"I love you but i'm not sure i'm in love with you" - is there any way back from this?

[tiredoftherain]

DH and I have had a rotten year. He's been working nonstop, a lot of the time away from home, we've got 2 dc's, one has mild special needs and there has been a lot of stress to deal with sorting him out before school. He is thankfully improving but I have a lot of appointments to juggle with him, which are very emotionally draining. dc2 is gorgeous, but a very demanding baby.

Through looking after the dcs on my own most of the time, in an area which is new to me, and a long way from my family, I'm often totally exhausted.

DH and I were talking last night, and he told me he doesn't know what he wants from life, he feels a bit trapped in our situation, and that he's grown a bit bored with the relationship. He thinks I've changed and become obsessed with the ds' (I admit I was a little, as ds1 has really needed me this last year) I think he's changed and become obsessed with his work. We still get on very well and aren't rowing constantly or anything, but he's always had a selfish streak which has really shown itself in the past few months, and there are days when although i love him, i'm not sure I like him very much.

But - the thought of leaving and starting over, in all likelihood miles away, and on my own with 2 small dc's in tow, fills me with sickening dread. We all need to be a family and there's no way i want to give up on marriage as easily as this. Have suggested relate but dh thinks we should be able to talk it through ourselves. Trouble is, he isn't always the best communicator and i think an independent person would really help.

Is this something which can be fixed? I can't get him to commit to trying, he just keeps saying he's confused about what he wants. How much time do I give him? Help!

No it isn't relevant to my OP, but I've been following it and don't mind. I think he's actually far worse off than me to be honest!! My relationship may have lost its way a bit at the moment, but at least i think there's probably a way to work through it. I don't know if I'd say the same for LH.

I think he maybe identified my OP as a potential unjustified rant against a decent hard working professional such as himself who'd been trapped into marriage and kids by a desperate, calculated woman. Not me, and not the situation thank God, but if it helps, LH, let it all out. You do sound, dare I say it, a little misogynistic though..

FWIW I think it's entirely reasonable for a man or woman to feel 'I love you but not in love with you' at certain points during a marriage/long term relationship. Not reasonable to express those thoughts to your partner though.

You just sound in a bit of a rut with each other, and as you admit yourself you probably could give him a little more attention. Problem is, the way he's expressed his feelings makes this the last thing you feel like doing (ie. rewarding his selfishness).

Sorry, don't mean to hijack anyone's thread.

Scaryfucker (love the handle btw): "Why are you together? Don't your children deserve to see 2 happy parents instead of 2 miserable ones?"

Kettlechip: "Can you seek advice on how to separate while maintaing access to your children?"

I am reasonably sure that splitting up would leave them with one ineffective parent, no contact with the other (me) or with my family (uncles, aunts, grandparents), a permanently squalid home, and no more bedtime stories from Daddy (which seem to have had the most astounding effect on their reading / concentration ability).

Kettlechip: "And a reminder to use effective contraception in the early stages of any relationship."

You're not wrong. But if you offer to look after this point, and the other party says don't worry, she has it under control, you sort of assume she does. Clearly not.

"...get you a civil divorce."

We aren't married, but I don't have PR re the eldest and asking for it would be treated as a declaration of war, I think. Financially I could be made to fund a house, which is fine, but a 3-bed house where we live for them could leave me unable to afford anything suitable for visits by the children - this has actually happened to fathers.

Moving out of the area for more space would jeopardise getting DC2 into the school DC1 is in.

Kettlechip: "I do wonder how on earth she got through pregnancy without you ever discovering her age?"

This amazes me too. We did the private £10,000 celebrity obstetrician birth thing, but she went to the first session alone. I guess she must have briefed them then never to mention this. And as I had no standing except as the alleged father, and she was the "patient", maybe that request looked reasonable to a midwife.

TotR: "...he maybe identified my OP as a potential unjustified rant against a decent hard working professional..."

There did seem to be that possibility initially. Your DH is perhaps being treated as the least important person in the household. So if nobody else looks out for him, he might as well do so - which you pick up on as selfish behaviour.

TotR: "...You do sound, dare I say it, a little misogynistic though."

That's an interesting observation, because if true, it's a 180 degree switch on my history of relations with women.

I'm of that generation which is young enough to agree with treating women as equals but old enough not to treat them with equal contempt (a la typical Loaded reader). In the 70s, a Penthouse centrefold who stripped off for soft porn shoots was probably being exploited, because that was her whole job. Today, women become famous for something else but they're still expected to strip off for Loaded, like that's all they really good for. As much as I love looking at pictures of naked women, that strikes me as more disrespectful than the 1970s - "OK, great, you're an actress, but just show us your tits love".

I'd been serially monogamous with two serious relationships before this developed. If asked, I would say I like women (the reason I like this place is exactly because it's full of them). I've never really done casual bonks, because if I like someone that much, I'd want more than just a bonk. A remarkably high percentage of my exes seem to want to stay in touch, or get back in touch again later. I had an email recently from someone I'd broken up with 8 years previously.

If I were a woman-hater I'd surely have been found out. The exes would all gladly steer well clear. But they don't (oh the grief when an ex of 2001 left a message on my phone in 2002 and DH heard it! she couldn't believe an ex would ever want to stay in touch, because none of hers did! They were mostly married anyway).

But: that was then, and this is now.

Back to the OP's position.

Raising children is hard. Long hours, few thanks given. If he feels trapped, well, yes and no. He's either working, or being treated as unimportant. No life, is it? And no good for you either, TotR. You must be shagged out.

Can you not find a way for both of you to do stuff? You go for a facial, him go for beers with the boys, or something?