"I love you but i'm not sure i'm in love with you" - is there any way back from this?

[tiredoftherain]

DH and I have had a rotten year. He's been working nonstop, a lot of the time away from home, we've got 2 dc's, one has mild special needs and there has been a lot of stress to deal with sorting him out before school. He is thankfully improving but I have a lot of appointments to juggle with him, which are very emotionally draining. dc2 is gorgeous, but a very demanding baby.

Through looking after the dcs on my own most of the time, in an area which is new to me, and a long way from my family, I'm often totally exhausted.

DH and I were talking last night, and he told me he doesn't know what he wants from life, he feels a bit trapped in our situation, and that he's grown a bit bored with the relationship. He thinks I've changed and become obsessed with the ds' (I admit I was a little, as ds1 has really needed me this last year) I think he's changed and become obsessed with his work. We still get on very well and aren't rowing constantly or anything, but he's always had a selfish streak which has really shown itself in the past few months, and there are days when although i love him, i'm not sure I like him very much.

But - the thought of leaving and starting over, in all likelihood miles away, and on my own with 2 small dc's in tow, fills me with sickening dread. We all need to be a family and there's no way i want to give up on marriage as easily as this. Have suggested relate but dh thinks we should be able to talk it through ourselves. Trouble is, he isn't always the best communicator and i think an independent person would really help.

Is this something which can be fixed? I can't get him to commit to trying, he just keeps saying he's confused about what he wants. How much time do I give him? Help!

"Meanwhile, he feels taken for granted, because of course he is. He goes out and grafts his bollocks off to pay for absolutely everything. The thanks he gets are to be treated as nobody's priority in the home he's paying for, and to have his contribution dismissed as his being "obsessed with his work". Who said women were good at EQ, again? "

Or on the otherhand.......
Meanwhile, she feels taken for granted whilst she stays at home grafting her tits off looking after the children they created together as a couple in a committed relationship and still makes sure that he comes home to a clean house with food on the table and clean clothes to wear.
Unfortunately, by the time she has dealt with a small child with special needs and a young baby she is too knackered at bedtime to don her rubber dress and get the vibe out so poor hubby feels sidelined.....

Well done for earning £168k last year by the way, what did you pay your wife for being your PA, live in Nanny and Housekeeper? I doubt very much if your wife is eating in Pret a Manger every day either. Perhaps if you are finding things financially tight you should learn to budget your not inconsiderable wages more efficiently.

And quite frankly, making yourself out to be a downtrodden male who is only there to service the household does not wash with me. You have a mouth and a mind of your own.

So how does your wife feel about the fact that she is living with a man who hasn't fancied her for years and is resentful of working to support the family?

tee hee lost Horizon, must say that made me giggle. Just imagining your excited little face as you sit waiting for wrath of mumsnet! must make your boring little life worthwhile. Poor you, trapped in a terribly paid job and in a marriage and family that doing nothing for you but spend your money, completely powerless to improve your situation. Aleast you've the release of baiting folk on the internet! all's not lost .

Be careful with this one following LH's priority list is not always the route to happiness and supporting you H through his mid life crisis does not always work out. My H worked hard, (so did I), but he also got the chance to go ocean racing, weekends skiing with the lads etc, whilst I supported him by running our business and bringing up our kids. The result, not a contented H but one who has left us for a full time lads life and a new girlfriend with me still bringing up the kids whilst trying to find a job to earn enough to keep us. I too used to earn six figures before I took a back seat to H to bring up our family...The galling thing is that he now has a younger version of me before we decided to have a family Some men are just tossers

"the missus"

bleurgh

yeah, be off with you LostHorizon

give Mrs LH a hug from me, the poor woman

Newspirits: yes yes, we've heard her side of it all, I'm just second-guessing what his side would sound like. Any solution that doesn't take this into account isn't likely to work out, or do you disagree?

As to the rest, well, you don't know my exact circumstances and here is not the place to set them all out.

I merely make the point that men are reminded constantly that we're crap at EQ. This is one of those commonplaces that everybody just accepts, but that doesn't stand up to a moment's scrutiny IMNSHO. What it often translates into, as here, is either "He doesn't see everything 100% my way" or "He doesn't set out, at frequent intervals and in very short words, everything that's going on in our relationship."

Now personally, I think if someone can't infer from the vibes what's up, and needs it all spelt out Janet and John stylee, then they're the one with the EQ problem. What better example could there be of EQ deficiency than asking a group of women what a man is thinking? It happens here all the time. What the OP gets back for her trouble, often, is what other women (not in possession of all the facts) reckon he ought to be thinking. If you really want to know what a man is thinking, you could do worse than Army Rumour Service, or perhaps a foopbaw website.

And here, in this very thread, it is QF beyond bleedin' obvious what the issue is. Yet the OP can't see it, and the default assumption in many replies is that he's off the straight and narrow, and the bastard should simply be bullied, belittled and insulted back into line.

Elastamum makes a very good point about what could go wrong with accommodating him, i.e. don't allow him some me-time that he then uses to organise a different life without her in it. Clearly she had a wrong 'un there, but otherwise her attitude sounds fantastic, she deserved better from how she handled it and in most cases she would have got better too. In contrast, if she'd simply ranted at him, and essentially told him to know his place, she'd have ended up at the same place but a lot sooner and more acrimoniously.

Sorry if I sound obnoxious, I write as I think and I often read it back and it sounds aggressive / trolly / chippy / whatever. So I apologise upfront for my errors of tone. Also I quite often make up my opinions as I go along without necessarily believing them completely yet . So, E & OE as it were.

what a lot of opposing views, it's given me loads to think about. I can kind of see your point in some areas LostHorizon, although I think I probably put the children first, followed by him and then me. He probably does the same!

For the record, I didn't have to twist his arm to have dc 1 or 2. He was more keen on having children than I ever was! He is great with children, but I think he seriously underestimated how much having his own would restrict him for a time.

And he is obsessed with work, I'm not being flippant here. Seriously. All year he's been working 7 days a week on two different projects. He need only do one, both pay well. He just can't choose between them although has now got a partner in one business which should help reduce his hours there.

One thing he never does is resent spending his earnings on his family though, he's never seemed bitter, unlike LostHorizon!!

Incidentally:-

"...he comes home to a clean house with food on the table and clean clothes to wear."

I wish! I come home to a pigsty, despite spending £6,000 a year on Lithuanian cleaners, and then cook dinner!

"Well done for earning £168k last year by the way, what did you pay your wife for being your PA, live in Nanny and Housekeeper?"

She only does the middle one. Re the others, it's actually more the other way around. At a rough guess, though, I would say slightly over 100% of it.

"So how does your wife feel about the fact that she is living with a man who hasn't fancied her for years"

There could be a connection between this and your first quoted paragraph.

Can he afford not to work those hours? I mean my job pays well for now, but this year's looking ugly and next year, well...

lh,you are welcome to your opinion as we all are BUT some of us here have got the op to ask for dh what his is thinking iykiwm..we are not all dead against men as you may be lead to believe..

also, I feel sorry for you earning £168,000 last year BUT with little support from her indoors...
My advice to you.....Grow a set of bll*ks.
If you are so unhappy and feel put upon by your lo's and dw then you need to stand up for yourself.

My dh earns in excess of £150k and im a sahm BUT I fulfill all roles....like others I ensure the lo's are looked after, the house is clean, issues are dealt with (jobs in the home etc), dh has clean clothes and meals Oh and occasionally I see to his "needs" .
BUT I also expect things to swing my way..I also need time out from being Mum & dw and I also appreciate treats etc..

If your dw is sat at home doing v little as you suggest then I guess you sit her down and have a little word in her shell like....

You sound like such a strong powerful man..yet also sound the opposite..

shhhhh - I totally agree, well said. Your situation sounds very similar to mine (minus a dh making stupid comments, which he's now apologised for, without any prompting or sulking on my part, before anyone suggests it!) We clearly have lots more to work through and hopefully this will kickstart better communication, or possibly a split, although I hope not.

We are lucky that Dh is in a stable (or two stable!) jobs, and he isn't at risk of earnings loss due to credit crunching. He could afford to cut down on hours, we're in a nice but affordable house (thankfully we didn't take up the 5x salary mortgage we were offered a couple of years back..), have new cars which could be sold, and could make cutbacks to cope. I am in full support of downsizing our home if it means he has more free time.

And LostHorizon, I think my EQ is fine, thanks. It helps me to chat with others on here who don't know me, but can properly identify with the position I'm in. And tbh, I am frankly surprised that such a stressed out high flier as yourself has the time to spend having a go at people like us. I can post safe in the knowledge that DH has probably never even heard of MN, never mind be inclined to post on it!

LH ( I think you must be having a boring day at work) thanks for the support but I doubt I will take the same approach again. Interestingly now i'm the one trying to get a half decent job to support us H is totally unavailable to help with the kids so i can even go for interviews! I could happily kick him in the nuts if he stayed around long enough

Can we all stop talking about how much people earn? I don't think it's relevant and it has more than a touch of willy-waving about it.

Thanks.

Now that's done, I want to say that I, too, laughed at Custy's riposte but did not take it as entirely the best way forward.

Everyone feels like this once in a while. It doesn't have to be terminal. It could be a simple case of "grass is always greener on the other side" (resists temptation to hum Travis) syndrome.

Something men, more so than women, do seem to have trouble adjusting to is the "is this it?" syndrome. Up to now, you've had a sense of progression: boyfriend, fiance, husband, father. Sometimes you can find yourself gazing into the next 25-30 years and wondering if there will be anything else before you become a grandfather, and thinking "is there more to life?"

This isn't something that can be is dismissed with glib comments about a "mid-life crisis" and so on. It is a genuine concern. It doesn't mean you are immature, or love your wife or children any less. It's just a different kind of emotional problem which doesn't necessarily deserve the "oh FGS grow a pair of bollocks" school of charm therapy repsonse one encounters a lot on here...

"can be is dismissed"?! I do speaka da English summatimes, honest.

I don't really buy LH's priority list. I think, in a relationship, each person has to (to a certain extent) put themselves over the other person.

If I put all my energy into trying to guess what DH wants, I will almost certainly get it wrong. He needs to sort out his needs, by telling me about them, where practical. I need to sort out my needs, by telling him about them where possible. But we each need to care for ourselves first, possibly even more than the kids.

LH's priority list is how you end up earning loads of money and eating a packed lunch you don't want. LH - you can't claim to be happy with your relationship, and it sounds like the fix you're looking for is for your wife to change her behaviour. You can't make her change her behaviour, you can only change your reaction to it. Put yourself first.

Oh, and yes, I think women suffer from 'is this it?' as much as men. But the cheapest solution to the problem is to just try to ditch your partner (or alternatively, shit on them).

If you are unhappy with your life, do you have to chuck out your life partner?

Well, quite. Our circumstances are different because my DP got pregnant 5 weeks after we met online. I stuck around because after 7 weeks' acquaintance (when we found out) she seemed OK; it never really crossed my mind to go the abortion route (convenient, but a hideous business when you think about it) and what else was I going to do for the rest of my life anyway?

Unfortunately, neither of us knew the first thing about each other. She admitted - when we went to register the birth - that she was actually 8 years older than she'd admitted. She'd got to her mid-40s without having had one serious relationship ever.

If I had known that, I wouldn't have stayed with her. I can believe you'd make it to your mid-30s if you were career focused - just about - but not your mid-40s. Who here would touch a 45-year-old bloke who'd never had a serious girlfriend? Same thing.

Also, a woman in her mid-40s is running out of road to have children, so I would have avoided her for another reason - I don't want to be pestered to do so sooner than I was ready to.

And finally, a woman who recruits her entire family into her lie is not to be trusted.

So at that point we had a child I'd become attached to, so what do you do? In my case I lost all interest in her and stuck around because it was already becoming clear that she wasn't fit to raise DD on her own. I put the outbreaks of physical violence down to her being pregnant, but that could easily transfer to DDs (yes, we had another because when it breaks up as it must I wanted DD1 to have company).

The slovenliness, the nose-picking, the belching and farting, the determined laziness and the anti-intellectual faddism (believes anything she reads on the 'net), and the attempts at blackmail ("give me what I want or I'll leave you and you'll never see your children") are the icing on the cake. But you can't leave two impressionable kids in that environment and just clear off. I don't think. So my priorities are in effect

the kids
me
her

and hers are

her
the kids
me

This is clearly not ideal; I'm certainly not ideal for her, but if a bit of understanding and consideration were shown we could I think arrive at some sort of accommodation.

blimey lh, you paint a bloody horrible picture of your life

you clearly have no respect or love for this woman and she doesn't love you

Why are you together? Don't your children deserve to see 2 happy parents instead of 2 miserable ones?

not a good advert for internet dating

and my priorities are:

1. me (if I am not happy/secure then no-one else is)

2. kids (they need a happy mum)

3. DH (he's a grown-up, he has a responsibility to himself, I would expect his list to mirror mine)

LH, no wonder you sound so bitter. What a total mess of a situation. And a reminder to use effective contraception in the early stages of any relationship..

BIL ended up having 4 children with the wrong woman, and it took him 15 years to extricate himself after she became very violent towards him.

He is now happily with a new partner, and has another child. He loses virtually all his earnings in maintenance but is a far happier man and has a great relationship with all of his children.

LH, if you want your children to have an idea of what a healthy relationship is like, you should be trying to get out. Is Relate an option? They could either a) fix things (unlikely, but hey, who knows) b) encourage your D(?)W into counselling or c) get you a civil divorce.

LH - I just want to say that I am finding your take on this very interesting. I think it is true that we don't always understand the mans point of view, strangly I've been thinking about suggesting that dh take sandwiches to work. I know he'd hate the idea, but I'm trying to think of ways to save money, having read your post I've had a re-think, I get it.

Keep posting it sounds like you could do with some support, your last post paints a sad picture.

Sorry op.

LH, You sound to have so much simmering resentment and contempt for your wife, your dd's must be picking up on the vibes, even if they're still young. I think at the very least, you need some couples counselling. It doesn't sound as though there's much feeling to revive in your relationship. Can you seek advice on how to separate while maintaing access to your children?

I do wonder how on earth she got through pregnancy without you ever discovering her age? Mid forties is an age where a pregnancy would be more monitored, did you have no inkling from her notes, or from attending appointments with her?

Lost Horizon, your situation sounds horrendous but almost totally irrelevant to the OP.