My dad is coming onto me

[TeaRose]

My dad is making sexually suggestive remarks to me and leching at my figure. He?s 71, and in exceptional physical health ? I?m 40. The staring, lewd remarks and sex references have been going on for 18 months ? I complained loudly once (when he spent an evening staring up my skirt) but it hasn?t had much effect.

The behaviour ranges from open gazing at my breasts to milder sexual remarks. The v mild ones include what happened yesterday - at Sunday lunch when I told my parents I?d been interviewed for a Scandinavian TV show (as a member of the public) he asked if it ?was a late night show, you know, late night, arts programme, Danish, TV, late night, he he, was it explicit, was it explicit?.

He lives with my mum and she has not reacted.

I need to consider the risk he might lunge. Any thoughts on what could be causing this and what can be done to stop it?

Perversion is less likely though given this behaviour has only started recently.

I thought the same re your mother too tbh. I'm surprised you bother spending time with either of them.

I really don't think trying to trick him will give you any idea whether he's got dementia or not, as you aren't a psychiatrist specialising in geriatrics. Talk to the ADS about coping strategies and get him to a doctor.

this does seem to be an od thread. Tearose, if you definately don't believe it could be a sign of dementia or other similar condition, then surely the only thing to do if you wish to have any relationship with your father is to stand up to him and tell him straight. I know it seems harsh but you seem to have 3 options, consider mental illness, speak out...... or just ignore it!!!

While it may not be dementia, there are other conditions which cause people to display odd or inappropriate behaviour. Has your father had any kind of head injury in the recent past (or indeed a severe head injury at any time? Head-injured people often behave a bit strangely because one or another of the bits of their brain that deal with inhibitions etc are not working properly).

But it depends a lot on your history with your parents. Has your relationship with your father always been difficult? Because if you think that his behaviour is motivated by malice rather than illness, then you might be better off reducing contact with him.

Tearose

This type of behaviour can be an early sign of dementia.
It isnt true that there have to be other symptoms present first.

Dementia doesnt have a set pattern of progression. For some it happens quickly, for others very slowly. Alzheimers, although usually an older person's disesase, began to affect a relative's wife when she was just 43. It took 15 years until she died because of it. Her initial symptoms were of a general 'beligerence' to start with.

My nan developed dementia gradually over a period of about 24 months and still wasnt too bad at the point she died (of pneumonia, stroke and cancer - quite a lethal concoction!).

Her historical memory was fantastic. But she started to forget things that had happened earlier in the day. Or, she'd lose sense of timeline and ask if my DH had fought in the war (second world war). Most of the time she was pretty 'normal' though. It just slowly got worse and worse. Oh, adn the other major symptom was a fear of being on her own, doing anything on her own that got worse adn worse.

He needs to see his GP really. Either way - it's not right is it?

Ahem. Why post if you only agree with your own opinion?

May I point out that LostHorizon is referring to demented patients in a nursing home, and displays no knowledge of what these were like prior to getting to the "out to lunch" stage of their illness.

You dont go from perfectly normal one day, and the next you are "out to lunch".

TeaRose

It's quite normal for Alzheimer's sufferers to be very lucid and normal at times and then seem completely illogical only minutes, hours or days later.

My grandfather verbally and physically was in great form when he was "hitting on" my sister. He was talking very logically, he just didn't know she was his granddaughter. He thought she'd make a great wife (his wife had recently died and he wanted someone to look after him).

Who knows? It could be something completely different. Dementia is worth considering though.

Touche,QS.

As it happens I?ve just taken a consultation with a professional, who is experienced in mental health/varities of abuse. He doesn?t think dementia explains Dad?s behaviour.

Sadly, ?odd? pretty much sums up dearest M&D. I stay in touch with them for loyalty and not to rock the boat for the rest of the family. Hey, it?s getting harder.

However, the adviser explains it could be another rare brain disease.

Thanks for your advice, all of you.

Glad to hear you got some professional advice - hope the advisor gave you some strategies for dealing with it too.

Well I did, but I still need some coping strategies. How would you deal with the anger, revulsion and shock - complicated by fear (it's not going away) and, now, guilt at the anger if it turns out Dad's ill......

If it was me, I would speak to my mother and tell her I would not be visiting them again until she acknowledges the inappropriateness of his behaviour and he gets checked out re. possible dementia.

There is no point in devising coping strategies until you know exactly what you are coping with.

Well, this behaviour is actually unaceptable whoever it is - it's harrassment. Think of it as your boss, or a friend's DH. Move away, say loudly "No! I do not want you to do that" and "please stop making sexual remarks, it is rude and inappropriate and making me very uncomfortable". If it doesn't stop then, leave the room and explain clearly why.

If he is not compos mentis it won't work, but at least it'll give you a better picture of what's going on.

If he is, he needs to be told.

Some of us have suggested things you could say to your dad if he does it again. Will you say something like this? This will help get some of your feelings out if you do. As for how to deal with the anger, revulsion, shock and fear - I don't know a way except by talking to people about it. I still feel it about my grandfather who was inappropriate with me. The more you release it by talking about it/writing about it, it lessens a bit.

I don't think you should feel guilty about being angry even if it turns out he is ill. You haven't turned the anger on him have you so you haven't done anything wrong. Asking him assertively, not aggressively to stop would not be turning your anger on him either, it would not be wrong.

If anger is how it makes you feel that is ok and understandable. You don't need to deny your anger as repressing it won't do you any good.

Dementia can come on quickly. It has happened to someone I knew.

Alzheimers - which comes on slowly is one type of dementia.

Vascular dementia - look at this link comes on quickly.

Vascular dementia can be caused by a stroke or by "mini strokes" - the latter is what has happened to the person I know.

From the website I linked to above: "If someone has dementia after a stroke, their symptoms usually start suddenly. The person may be confused and have memory problems as well as other difficulties. What problems they get depends on where in their brain the stroke happened. "

I don't wish to insult you but it almost seems as if you would rather put up with the behaviour than admit he has dementia. It is dreadful, and tragic, I know, but it happens.

My nan started to behave very inappropriately after her stroke - it was a mild one, and she was pretty much back to normal quite quickly, but then started being very sexually suggestive - bit like the Catherine Tate character, but worse. The doctors explained it as having lost the bit of the brain that makes us inhibited and helps us to conform to social norms.
I would re-iterate other's views that dementia comes in many forms and the progress of the illness is as individual as, well, as the individual. It is very very difficult to deal with the behaviour as being separate from the person, but if it is due to some form of dementia you need ot try to treat his inappropriateness as you would if it was a toddler behaving like this, because he will have as little control over his actions as a toddler.

As someone said upthread, either he's ill, or he's suddenly turned into the very grossest kind of pervert. Occam's Razor applies (the simplest explanation is the likeliest) - so which is it?

Could be that he acts normal at work because that's the bit of his life that he's really interested in? My Dad is 80 and has no idea what we said last time we spoke, but he's still a whizz with numbers, investments, accounting etc.

Didn't mean to confuse by bringing up my personal encounters with the senile (very) demented. I just wanted to point out that the elderly senile may be so out to lunch that

A/ they've forgotten who's their daughter
B/ they've forgotten that it's rude to lech, and
C/ sometimes there's little obviously wrong with them.

The "gerries" I remember had plenty of lucid intervals. The youngest was only about 50-odd. The accusing lady I mentioned was completely normal as far as I could see. Until she decided to screech "SLAPPER!" at some passing female. She was otherwise a lovely Irish granny and you'd never imagine she even knew the words that came out of her potty mouth.

Really sorry to hear of this, it must be a shocking and really distasteful place to be.