My dad is coming onto me

[TeaRose]

My dad is making sexually suggestive remarks to me and leching at my figure. He?s 71, and in exceptional physical health ? I?m 40. The staring, lewd remarks and sex references have been going on for 18 months ? I complained loudly once (when he spent an evening staring up my skirt) but it hasn?t had much effect.

The behaviour ranges from open gazing at my breasts to milder sexual remarks. The v mild ones include what happened yesterday - at Sunday lunch when I told my parents I?d been interviewed for a Scandinavian TV show (as a member of the public) he asked if it ?was a late night show, you know, late night, arts programme, Danish, TV, late night, he he, was it explicit, was it explicit?.

He lives with my mum and she has not reacted.

I need to consider the risk he might lunge. Any thoughts on what could be causing this and what can be done to stop it?

Tearose, you say he is behaving increasingly like a toddler, like my father - surely that is another symptom. If he isn't behaving as he did a couple of years ago then all is probably not well.

Dementia is a big area and there are several kinds, as I understand it, depending on which part of the brain they affect. They don't all start the same way.

This is just an example, and in no way an attempt at a diagnosis, but this is a condition where social innapropriateness is a common symptom:

link

It sounds like all the other posters know what they are talking about, but are you a bit worried about the repercussions if you involve the GP?

The only way you are going to know what is causing it, is by talking to his GP, etc.

If you can't face that, what do you think might happen if you tell him to stop?

That's a bit harsh people!

What tr's dad is doing is extremely hard to handle.

TR, can you tell your mum, address it with your dad, and/or somehow get him to the GP or tell a GP about it? It is a symptom of several brain-related things and it would be wise to at least check for them. I mentioned a brain tumour - that would not necessarily involve any other symptoms at all.

Dementia can come about really slowly, and only in some areas too. Unlike LostHorizon who has seen in it in its really advanced stages, I have seen it very early on with various family members.

It can be little things. Like looking at the outdoors termometer and insisting is is 5 degrees below zero when it clearly says 5 degrees above zero, because somebody had said it was cold. It can be looking at the wall clock with a little puzzlement before saying "Oh, but the programme start in half an hour because it is 7.15" when in fact it is not, it is 6.45.

Concepts such as time and measurements seems to go first, in my experience. My mum needs gentle guidance with the cooking, the recipe might say 1 l milk and 2.5 dl rice, and I have to double check that this is indeed what she is using.

Sometimes, inability to dechiphre pictures, not seing that a sofa is a sofa if the picture is upside down.

My mum is not yet very advanced, but it is there, and she wont take medicine. She wont talk to her doctor. She has told me, if I ever get dementia, I rather not know.

Your mum my not want to face up to the fact that your father is in this position, as how you deal with it, practically, is the scary part.

Your denial doesn't surprise me tbh, my DH is still in denial in may ways about his fathers dementia even though he was diagnosed over a year ago now. He'll often say things along the line of "Dad did this today, now that's not dementia that just typical dad"

I can see why it happens though as many of my FIL's natural traits (well all the negative ones it seems) have been exagerrated by his dementia so it really does seem that sometimes he is just a worse version of himself, if that makes sense?

As for medicine, the earlier you start, the better. New medications can just about stall the development. My uncle got new medicine and he says he can feel how his brain works faster again. My aunt seconds that, it doesnt take him forever to reply to questions like two months ago.

My sisters father-in-law became very cheeky and sexual with the nurses in hospital for the last few months of his life. It was very unlike him, he had been a religious man and had never made remarks like that before.
So sorry to hear this, you should speak to your mum, he may be doing it to other people as well.

Have to say I am another thinking dementia. My father had early onset dementia at 63 and had these kinds of symptons, although the comments weren't as obvious, but he was far more outspoken re his feelings about someone and how goodlooking there were etc quite early on in his illness.

I would mention it to your mum, she may have noticed other things but hasn't put 2 + 2 together. Don't bury your head in the sand, it won't go away.... Get help early as possible.... (with whatever the problem may be)...

How horrible for you.
My Dad did the same to me 7-8 years ago, I haven't seen him since. Different circumstances though, I never knew him growing up. Tracked him down when I was 27, went well for 6 months or so, then that..... I reported him to the Police.

Sadly it's often really hard for those nearby to notice the degeneration. I had this with my grandfather as I lived abroad and visited only about once a year - I was shocked each time by the deterioration but no-one else seemed to notice, until it got really advanced (many years later).

agree ib it is hard to notice a gradual decline and now that FIL has a diagnosis I often wonder how we got so far without going to a Doctor sooner

agree ib it is hard to notice a gradual decline and now that FIL has a diagnosis I often wonder how we got so far without going to a Doctor sooner

Ow! Easy people ? of course I?ve not denied the possibility of dementia, I?m merely pointing out that dementia sufferers display a host of fairly unmistakeable symptoms for several years before they (rarely) become sexually inappropriate - dad has never shown any of these.

As Lost Horizon points out, dementia sufferers aren?t a bit silly, forgetful and childish ? they?re completely out to lunch. Forgetful, infantile and vague, unfortunately, are normal signs of ageing for some of us.

Unless anyone knows otherwise, I was under the impression that sexually inappropriate behaviour is a symptom of very advanced dementia ? within that behaviour, incest is the most serious sign of terminal brain damage.

So do advise - regardless of where it comes from, I need to deal with the incest as well as the dementia - how?

As above really - there are different types of dementia, some which have innapropriate behaviour/language far more than others for example lewy body. Difficult as far as the GP is concerned due to pt confidentiality. Have a look on the Alzheimers web site, they have lots of info.

Sorry what incest?

In this study

It says sexually inappropriate behaviour was seen in all stages of dementia.

You cannot deal with the "incest" comments without dealing with their cause. If their cause is health related (and i disagree that you would only see such behaviour in advance dementia) then you deal with the problem very differently than if your Dad is just being downright nasty.

TeaRose, this sounds really horrible and sickening for you. Lots of people are saying "dementia" and they could be right if they are talking from experience of what they have seen, but, they may also be saying it because they don't want to think your dad is a pervert. It is hard to accept that some people are perverts because we don't like thinking about it, so people in general will try to find another explanation. I can't judge if I think it is dementia or perversion. Maybe a doctor could but I can see how you don't feel like contacting a doctor because if it is perversion rather than dementia you would have put this out in the open by contacting the doctor and this is a scary thing to do.

I can also see why you wouldn't want to talk to your mum because she sounds like my mum in that she can't deal with things of a 'sensitive' nature and will just respond with denial and be dismissive or get cross, which would make you feel really awful and like what you were saying/feeling wasn't being valued. I know in my mum's case that nothing you could say would make her able to talk about it because she has issues of her own which make it just too hard for her. If your mum is like this I can see the problem.

It seems like the only solution is to talk to your dad directly about it. I can see why this would be scary as well. Could you wait for him to say/do something next and then say "Don't you think that is an inappropriate thing for a father to say/do to his daughter?" By his response you might be able to judge whether it is dementia or perversion. If he seems confused and doesn't seem to realise you are his daughter then it is probably dementia. Whatever his response is, you could say "I don't like it, please don't say/do that again".

If he won't stop, you could 'threaten' him with "I'm starting to think your health may be suffering in some way for you to behave like this and if it carries on it concerns me so much that I will have to talk to your doctor". If it is perversion this might scare him enough that it will be out in the open that it will make him stop. If it is dementia he needs the doctor anyway. I think you need to know which it is for your peace of mind anyway because if it is perversion then this is a big betrayal of the father/daughter relationship which is very hard for you to deal with but it is better for you to start dealing with it sooner than later.

I can see why it is hard to say the things I've suggested to an 'authoritative' family figure, even though you are well grown up now. As children it is ingrained in us to 'respect our elders' and 'do as we are told' etc, and these ways of thinking stay with us, they are programmed in, so it stays frightening for us to confront our parents. But if you can find the courage, this is the way to make it stop! And when you have done it you will feel good about yourself.

Hope I haven't 'gone on', this is kind of an emotive topic for me.

Suggest you call the Alzheimer's Disease Society, describe his behaviour, and ask them for advice about how to handle him and what the next steps should be. Personally I'd get him to a doctor asap.

If it is dementia, then the way you'd react to a sane person doing these things just isn't going to work.

But you can't deal with the 'incest' by itself if it is a symptom of something bigger. You need to rule out a disease being the cause.

If it isn't a symptom of something then why don't you just talk to him and your mother and tell him to stop?