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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh gone off sex completely since DS was born - any advice?

27 replies

QwertyQueen · 18/10/2008 21:29

That's it really, For ages I thought he just didn't fancy me any more. He recently told me he cant see me as his lover anymore, he sees me as a mom. Last time I tried to initiate something he rejected me and I have no confidence to keep trying as I know he is not interested. blah.

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 18/10/2008 21:47

That must hurt, QQ. I'm really sorry.

Your situation raises a lot of questions. Was he present at the birth and if so, was it a traumatic one? Is ds your firstborn and how long ago was he born?

Original poster
QwertyQueen · 18/10/2008 21:55

yes, he was present but not at "the business end"! It was quite scary - touch and go - for a while but ended up having a waterbirth. I think it did freak him out though. DS is 2... the first year it didn't bother me so much cos I was so dog tired, but now......

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 18/10/2008 22:10

Yes, he'd probably have drowned if he were at the business end!

What freaked him out about it? Can you discuss that with him?

Also, a drop in libido could be a sympton of depression or physical illness. Could you persuade him to see his gp?

In the meantime, can you get a babysitter and go out together as a couple, doing something you wouldn't do with ds, eg watch an adult film (I'm sure you're sick of Thomas the Tank Engine)?

You might like to offer him some tlc without sex, eg a massage. Show him that you are still interested in him, even if sex is off the agenda for the moment.

Original poster
QwertyQueen · 18/10/2008 22:16

he he, loved the drowning comment!!!
I think the whole animalness of giving birth freaked him out - he was amazed in a good way too.

Actually, he has just gone away for 3 weeks, so I am hoping he misses me like crazy when away and there is a big spark when he gets back

I will try what you suggested although I think a masssage and adult film might make him feel pressured into something!

OP posts:
SylvieSprings · 18/10/2008 22:49

I'm really sorry QwertyQueen, and forgive me for saying this, but have you considered the possibility that your DH is having an affair with another woman?

Elasticwoman · 18/10/2008 23:09

I didn't mean that sort of adult film!!
And the massage doesn't have to be topless . Doesn't have to be a massage either. Some sort of service/gift that doesn't make you look maternal.

yes adultery is always a possibility and if it is happening, might just as easily be a sympton as a cause.

MadamDeathstare · 19/10/2008 04:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
QwertyQueen · 19/10/2008 07:40

I knew that an affair would be suggested but def 100% not..
we have recently located to a new country and have been setting up a business and renovating a house, we have been spending 100% of our time together. We speak openly about that kind of stuff too.

Elasticwoman, you make me laugh! I see now what kind of adult film you mean he he he.
You are right tho - all we seem to watch is Thomas and Pingu. Because we are in a new country we dont have a baby sitting network yet, so need to get that sorted.

he is a very honest person, and has told me exactly how he feels, he doesn't like it either
He was actually the one who said I should ask on Mumsnet, cos he is sure he isn't the only man who feels like this.

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 19/10/2008 10:19

QQ how old is your dh?

Is your problem causing friction, or just sadness between the two of you?

I'd certainly lose no time in finding a reliable babysitter, even if you have to pay some one, and have some 1:1 grown up time with your dh. I think you're right about not putting pressure on him. Have you read Dr Laura Schlessinger on The Proper Feeding and Care of Husbands?

2manychips · 19/10/2008 12:26

Oh I do feel for you, this must be so tough.
As previously advised I think it so important that you two go out on "dates" together and try not talking baby. Is it a total dip in sex drive? I mean does he keep himself satisfied? (sorry if that too personal)If he does, maybe you could (if he doesnt mind) kind of join in?

MadamDeathstare · 19/10/2008 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
QwertyQueen · 19/10/2008 17:23

thanks,
It is not causing friction as such, but I know that I dont want to be in a sexless marriage, so we either try and sort it or watch the marriage slowly die!
Don't want to sound dramatic, but I think it is a really important part of a marriage.

I will suggest counselling - do you think it would need to be just him or us both?

I hope someone who has been through this will see this thread too, with their experiences.

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 19/10/2008 20:30

I think you should both go, and if the counsellor thinks some separate counselling would be helpful as well, then (s)he can suggest it.

You cannot be the first couple to have gone through this; perhaps it is such a touchy subject that no one wants to share first hand experience.

I'm afraid chilbirth had the opposite effect on my dh. But he was very confident and unsqueamish in the delivery room. In previous generations, it was not the done thing for husbands to be present at births, because people thought it might affect the future sexual relationship between the couple.

Tanee58 · 20/10/2008 17:00

Qwerty, the same thing happened to me. We remained married for another 10 years and in the end we divorced after I had an affair out of sheer frustration - (now my DP). It was never discussed until the end, when he said that seeing our DD born had put him off. Personally, I think there was a lot more going on - he has serious issues with self-confidence. Please try to seek counselling together and don't let it end the way mine did.

lulabellarama · 20/10/2008 17:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Kevlarhead · 20/10/2008 20:19

Disclaimer: For those that don't know, Kevlarhead is a dad. This may influence your interpretation of his advice, and explains why he's shit scared of posting on a sex thread...

"You might like to offer him some tlc without sex, eg a massage. Show him that you are still interested in him, even if sex is off the agenda for the moment."

"Making an effort to regain some sense of the person you were before may help."

I'd suggest your DH is, as he says, seeing you as a mum and as nothing else. Yes, you are a mum, but that doesn't obliterate the rest of you. Problem is he's seeing the mom role you play, and veering off from it.

Would it be possible to drop the mom role, and (like the other posters have suggested) try getting back to the way things were, if only temporarily?

I'd avoid anything overtly about 'sex'; can you both get dressed up and go out somewhere for a few hours? Or (if you can't get out) both put on some non-sick stained clothes and watch a film or something? If you make sure there's a wee corner of your life where you don't have to act the mom, it might help stop him thinking of you as solely a mom.

Elasticwoman · 20/10/2008 20:49

Why so many quotation marks Kev? Are you quoting or giving your own advice?

Kevlarhead · 20/10/2008 21:04

Quoting lulabellarama and, um, you...

Elasticwoman · 20/10/2008 21:12

Yes, that's why I'm confused. That advice has already been given - can't see what you're adding.

Tanee58 · 21/10/2008 13:57

Kevlar & the others who've suggested Qwerty glams up - that may not be all the problem. I tried glamming - in fact, I couldn't have been less mumsy, since I'm not a 'baby' person particularly. In my case, the problem went much deeper than not having quality time together, not looking nice, etc. That's why I think Qwerty should also consider counselling and not take all the blame on herself.

tdotb · 21/10/2008 22:41

another mans opinion, if that is not unwelcome - though mine is from the other side, my wife has no time for me. I don't know which went wrong first, our physical relationship, or emotional one, but it's been maybe ten or eleven years since we last said a kind word to each other.

My point is I go to bed every night wishing I was brave enough to kill myself, and I think that she does too.

I wish i had tried to do something sooner, or at least before it was too late. if you are not sure what to do, just do something, because nothing will utterly destroy you.

Tanee58 · 22/10/2008 12:25

tdodb, I am so sorry to hear of your situation. That is no way for either you, your wife or your children to live. Is there no way you can broach the subject? The scary thing is that it can happen so gradually. At the start, you may both be just too exhausted and bound up with baby care. Then it becomes a habit not to be physically close - and that is death.

So in a nutshell, discuss it sooner, not later.

Elasticwoman · 22/10/2008 13:50

Really sorry to hear of your situation tdotb. Have you already tried counselling, through Relate or otherwise? Perhaps the Samaritans could help you.

At least Qwerty still has an emotional connection with her dh.

BloodyStranglingwithBling · 22/10/2008 14:34

It is feasible to go away, sans DC for a few days? Even just a night? Not a cure all, but might remind you of why you're together? Maybe go somewhere that you went to before together or do something you used to enjoy just the two of you in the past?

Tanee58 · 22/10/2008 15:35

We had lovely romantic weekends away - didn't work for us . We were like two really good friends having fun times together, but no nookie.