Advice for my male friend

[GhostlySinCity]

My friend is 32 and has just started dating a woman he met online. Apparantly she kept putting off inviting him back to her house but anyway he's finally been.

He's a bit put off. He said the house was a bit of a mess. She's a single parent of two boys but he said it wasn't really the kids that made the mess. The bathroom side was full of half empty bottles of bubble bath and shampoo and he said the tiles on the bathroom floor were broken and she had no toilet roll holder or anything.

The living room wallpaper was ripped in parts and had marks on it, the laminate flooring hadn't been laid properly and had big gaps near the doors and the kitchen cupboards were either hanging off or wouldn't shut properly.

He said the back garden was also a complete tip with weeds and huge bushes everywhere.

The carpet in her hallway was too small, ragged around the edges and quite dirty, as were the walls in the hallway.

Anyway back to the point, I said he should perhaps ignore the house and concentrate on who she is as a person but he says a persons house is a big reflection of who they are.

I thought I'd put it to you, with his knowledge (so he'll be reading any replies).

lidless wheelie?

In the words of Catherine Tate Brummie characters

'the dirty, dirty bastard!'

well, maybe she has been depressed and is starting to pull out of it a little? The fact she was reluctant to have him go round shows she knows that the house isn't perfect and isn't confident enough yet with him. Did she know he was going or was it a short notice visit?

Sorry, they aren't Brummie. But they are snobs!

No she knew about a week in advance but he said she was really quiet before they got there as if she knew he wouldn't like it and kept apologising for the mess

Well shame on your friend then - what a total heartless, anal tosser. Hope she finds someone who appreciates her for her and not her house.

Are you on another thread right now talking about your manky house?

Ummm...confused. Are YOU really the internet woman?

lol no my house is a general tip because I hold on to stuff for years! He knows what my house is like but he's not dating me so doesn't care!

My oven is clean though

Shallow git.

Wanker.

Its not easy when you are broke and unsupported to carry out what people often think of as 'essential' maintainance round the house.

My bathroom is mouldy, the toilet leaks, the shower door has fallen off - I rent the house and am waiting for it to be fixed. Not how I'd have it if it was up to me and I had the money to change it. Similar issues with kitchen, carpets, etc.

in the north you were rated by how clean your doorstep was- all houses have door steps of some sort! It is the bit you walk across to get in the front door!

I really can't believe the flack this guy is getting- are you all mucky sluts?

If I went into anyone's house and it was filthy, never mind about them not having enough money to have new stuff- I would not like it.

It is not to do with being shallow. It says quite a bit about her that she cannot appreciate that other people may not like to live/visit a house in a state of squalor.

Maybe I am weird, but if anyone is coming to see my for the first time, male or female, I tidy myself up, get out of my grubby gardening clothes and TIDY UP MY HOUSE! Is that really that odd?????

Each to their own...you're far from weird but obviously a far more effective human being than me

My BF is a real tidy freak and I am not. I am clean tho' and my sinks, bath and loo are spotless. As soon as DD comes outta the bathroom I go in there and spray down long hairs she leaves behind and squished up soap bottles etc. She sometimes remembers to do it and other times not. She's only 10 so I can't expect her to remember to do it all the time. (as with other messy things she does).
BF comes here and he is tidy, clean, organised and never leaves a mess in any way at all. He's the total opposite of me. We also met on the internet and we talked a lot and I picked up on that about him as he picked up on me, but we laugh about it. I can imagine him being uncomfortable if things were 'grotty and minging', but they are not. However, I have two cats and he doesn't think animals in the house are hygenic. Once they went and licked his cup of tea and he was really put out by it, but in the end we just laughed about it and I said it was good exposure to how life really is. He has a son that he cares for so is used to the mess a child can create. (but the son is very clean and tidy , like him, as well). But I know for sure he takes me with all of what 'goes' with me, and that is living the way I like to live. I don't wash up immediately after a meal, he does. He doesn't allow eating on the sofa etc, I do... but you know what, that lack of rigidity is something he adores about me and he has told me so.
It's a matter of accomodating.
And I don't have a loo roll holder, but now I will get one (from charity shop of course). Didn't realise people noticed things like that!
Theres a big difference between mess and being dirty. Perhaps he felt the place was dirty in which case I think there is room for concern.

Is this guy for real? Bloody hell! When I met my DP, his house was a total tip. I mean, unimaginably horrific - worse than anything on "How Clean Is Your House". I always thought I was quite relaxed about mess, but I was genuinely shocked when I first saw his place. Then I understood why he had been so reticent about me seeing it, and hurriedly said he had to 'tidy up a bit' first when I asked about coming round. I reassured him I was fine with a bit of mess, haha. But I mean, there's mess, and there's mess. There was stuff piled up everywhere along the hall, dust, fluff, old catfood packets on the food prep surfaces, piles of plates stacked in the living room that had obviously been there for months. You had to find the sofa before you could sit down. And yet I moved in just months later, because I loved him. I tidied up, washed all the plates and vacuumed. Took ages to get the cat food off the kitchen floor, it was kind of caked on. But he didn't mind, was a bit embarrassed but said go for it. So I cleaned up. The place is still on the messy side (7 week old baby), we will never have a loo roll holder because neither of us care, and he will always have lower standards of house care than me. But we get on so well, I OVERLOOKED IT.

A bit telling that your friend is moaning on about cleanliness after one date. And I agree that he obviously has no idea how much chaos, mess and financial ruin children bring to the mix. I think he'd be better off with someone who likes shake 'n vac

Well it sounds like me and this woman are one and the same.

My house is a tip, I have no bog roll holder, my washing basket is always over flowing and my garden is probably breeding all kinds of jungle creatures as we speak.

I have had to join FreeCycle just to try and get some bits together to make the house nicer but at the end of the day, life really is too short.

If he finds body parts in her fridge or the patio looks like it was recently dug up and has a strange smell surrounding it...then perhaps he should move on and find someone else.

If it's simply a case of a bit of muck on the walls and a thinning carpet then really...get a grip!

Isn't it all a matter of degree?

My brother ended a relationship with a single, childless woman because of her obsession with cleanliness. I think she got annoyed because he had splashed a bit of water on the bathroom floor or something after a shower- and he was so careful to put his towel on the rail, make sure the loo was clean, etc etc.
She made him constantly feel uncomfortable as she was so houseproud and she even criticised him for opening a jar of pasta sauce, as she made all her meals from scratch.
She was obsessive- and in the end this spilled over into their relationship in other ways.
He left her and she was very upset.
HOWEVER had he gone into OPs mate's home, he would have run a mile I expect!
Isn't it all about consideration for others? Isn't it not so much about what we are willing to put up with ourselves, but what we want to provide for a visitor/date? Isn't it about appreciating that whilst we might be happy to live in a muddle with dirt around, not everyone is?
I don't think it is about being shallow- to be is says a person is maybe disorganised, can't be arsed, doesn't care about other people's feelings and can't be bothered to make an effort.

anyway, got to get on with my cleaning now.

i ACTUALLY WENT UPSTAIRS AND THREW AWAY ALL THE EMPTY BOTTLES IN THE BATHROOM AFTER READING THIS!

Yes, I agree with honestfriend, I also go thru the house like a dose of salts when someone comes over. I just like to set a place right beore someone comes over. To me, its thoughtfulnes - and I'm not a tidy freak at all... My stuff is all second hand (apart from my washing machine), I am a single parent, poor and jobless at the moment, but cleanliness and livable order is something I learned makes life easier.

Slut? no, but my place is untidy. I'm not a dirty person, but having kids is never part of the recipe for spotless is it?
I invite no~one over. Simple.

Walk a mile in another's shoes before putting on the wig and robe I say.

Mess doesn't happen over night. Sometimes when I've been away for a few days with family or something I come back and I can see the mess/ dirt/ clutter and then can tidy it. Before I went, because its gradually built up, I've kind of got used to living with it and don't really see how bad its got. If she doesn't have a lot of people back, doesn't have loads of time/ money and doesn't have lots of helpful family around who help out with these things then surely its worth his while enjoying her company/ dates whilst he understands the underlieing reasons things are as they are.

Sounds like when showing him around shes had her eyes opened a bit to what its like. Haven't we all seen things we wished we'd tidied/ put away/ repaired when we're showing our home to friends or selling it. Even though we thought it was ready to show?

But a crappy greasy cooker? I know mine gets messy when I'm cooking but I clean it up! Yu can tell the difference between neglected grott and recent activity...

I know its sounds snobby and critical but don't you honestly think this is your environment and reflects how you operate?

Must admit, my cooker is always clean.

Well the fact that she took so long to invite him over means that she was probably self conscious about the untidiness but doesn't have time, energy, money to fix it. So your friend should be told this happens to many double parent families; let alone single parents. Sounds like the children thing might irritate him in other ways unless he can develop some empathy some time soon.

my house is (generally) tidy

however my oven is far from clean

years ago, pre-children, i was seeing a guy who was a fair bit older than me. my house was always a mess cos i used to spend all my spare time out - none of my friends or guys my age commented, but the first time he came round he looked at my carpet & said 'do you own a hoover?'

i was mortified, and have never let anyone come to my house since unless i was sure the floor was clean!

going back to the op, i think your friend should see how it goes...it could be as someone else said she has been a bit depressed or down & not felt like doing anything, and now life is improving she might get more on top of things. then again, this could just be how she is, in which case her'll have to decide whether he likes her enough to ignore the mess

In 20 odd years of owning a house, i've never owned a toilet roll holder.

I sort of pride myself on it now