If your DH was having a meeting/lunch with his ex OW would you ?

[muckypups]

Ill make this as short as possible but my dh had an emotional affair with someone he works with about 4 months ago and whilst i thought i had closure on it and was happy that its all over and we have fixed our problems, i have found out he has a meeting with her this afternon around lunch time and its eating me up.

As she still works with him I have asked him not to have private meetings with her, if its in his office then the door has to be left open and going out for lunch is a definate no no.

Basically i want to see if he is sticking to those rules as then i may finally have closure on it.

I have no reason to suspect that anything is still going on, but they did become very close and im still hurting from it. He knows how i feel and he knows i still have bad days where i get paranoid (usually a few days before auntie flo visits)

So do i visit the office or not?

Hi I have only just read this. Can someone explain to me what exactly an emotional affair is?
I take it op's dh didn't sleep with the ow just spoke about his problems and spent time with her. Did he fall in love? did he want an affair?

It is when two people are spending time together, talking about things that they should be discussing with their partners (maybe problems in their relationships), getting closer, meeting/talking/texting secretly and even telling each other that they love each other.

Even without the physical side it is still heartbreaking for the persons partner when they find out.

Whirling stirling has summed it up really. They got close and confided in each other.I know she said she loved him but she said she says that to everyone at one in the morning via text, i dont think so .Dh told me it got as far as 'what if conversations' as if he wasnt married with kids and she didnt have jids and work for him then maybe they could have had a relationship. Im desperate to know where theese conversations were held though. Ill never know exactly what was said between them and i need to learn to deal with that.It didnt get sexual but would have done eventually if i hadnt of found out.

Constance you have pretty much summed me up. i also bottle everything up, i like to appear as if im coping. Im not very good at expressing how i feel but im getting better at it.

Counselling sounds scary but ill definatley give it a go. Who should i call?

When dh had an affair I found the intimmacy they had on an emotional level harder to cope with than the sex.

It does get easier muckypups...it just take a while for the trust to be rebuilt. I am still like a Pavlovian rat each time his phone gets a text message.

Teenspirit i dont know if he loved her, i think he got besotted for a while with her. He saw her as an ideal woman who wouldnt hold him back, always support him at work (she works with him, i dont)and be there for him, let him go out without moaning ( his words) fun, happy, pretty, tall, blonde and a SNAKE IN THE GRASS.And shes a bit orange too, fake tan gone wrong. (ooops have i turned bitchy)

He didnt want an affair, funnily enough he likes everything to be out in the open and honest. And thats why it came to a head as there was so many rumours flying about that he kept denying, He told me he loved me but wasnt in love with me and he wasnt seeing anyone else.I found the text the same evening. Before that id never checked his phone.
He didnt see it as an affair or doing anything wrong because they hadnt had sex. IDIOT!

I told him if he thinks the grass is greener on the other side then to go. But he didnt!

Anifrangapani, did you go for counselling? How long ahs it been?

No .... I took a look at what I wanted long term and decided how best to get there.

I knew I wanted to stay with dh, but to do that he needed to be honest with me. When I felt he wasn't being honest with me I told him to leave. I was not prepared to be a doormat to his mid life crisis. So when he wasn't prepared to say that it wouldn't happen again because his CBT told him that it is uselsess to worry about the future, but it was important to me to hear that he wasn't out looking for another OW I was not prepared to live with that doubt. I told him he may as well leave. It gave him the shock he needed.

However I needed to be honest with him. I had to tell him that his subsequent behaviour was not acceptable without draging up the past because the past cannot be changed.

It has been difficult, but made easier because we both knew that we wanted each other.

He was still seeing her just before the summer holidays, but didn't see her from the day I found out that it was more than a drunken snog at a party as I had been told initially.

Having said all this I am uneasy that he hasn't come home from the pub yet.... There are still moments of doubt, but a few weeks ago I would have been in tears at teh thought of him going out.

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I don't think Muckpups' dh is rubbing is hands though, thinking he's got away with it. I genuinely think men just don't 'get' the enormity of it.

My best friend - a man - had an emotional affair with a woman at work, despite being married to the most beautiful woman I know. He really didn't get what he had done so wrong! Or maybe he chose not to acknowledge the seriousness of it, I'm not sure. It was not only the betrayal of emotionally connecting to someone else, but the inability to see it as a betrayal (as he didn't sleep with her), and the refusal to put her (his wife's) hurts and needs first.

exactly dittany

Yes, it's lying but it's not doing the dirty deed & therefore it's not technically cheating . Seriously, my bf did not believe he had been unfaithful to his wife. He did have to have things "explained" to him. Words like DIVORCE had to be used and what if it was his wife behaving this way, how would he feel?

Yes, the lying by omission is a cfc as it does nothing to ease MP's fears. The fact that the meeting has been rescheduled with another manager present is however is reassuring as it suggests nothing clandestine.

Thankyou Dittany & Blinks & Heated you have hit the nail on the head. I know Dh is mortified at the hurt he caused. But he also thinks what has happened cant be changed and we are alright now so everything must be fine and dandy. he knows i have bad days still but after good advice on here i an going to sit down and have another heart to heart about how bad i really get about this.
I was howling like an animal intially in the first few hours, the pain was un bearable. He really didnt think i loved him as much as i did, so thats why i take part of the blame. I had cut myself off from him and concentrated on the children forgetting about him and thinking he could cope.

Anifrangapani i too also have asked him to leave a few times at the begining when i wasnt sure if they were still in contact etc. With my dh it wasnt a case of him begging to stay or anything like that. he really didnt know what he wanted and wether we could get back to how we were, he lost his trust in my feelings for him. I still now think sometimes id be better off on my own, its not that i mistrust him, im just scared of that pyhsicall pain iyswim. he knows if anything happened again i wouldnt give him a second chance.

good idea muckypups... just don't say "how bad you get about this" to him- try to find a language where you're not putting blame on yourself for feeling worried and upset. Lots of couples go through periods where one or both are neglecting their partner by concentrating on the children...the fact that he chose to have an affair rather than confront you with his feelings and try to work it out needs to be explored and if I were you, I would be booking some couples counselling.
Neither of you feel able to expose your true selves to each other and be vulnerable which is what's required to move on from this.

It's also not about blame, it's about responsibility and he's not taking on board the extent of the damage and the importance of complete open-ness to heal that hurt. The brave face your putting on is helping no-one.

"He really didnt think i loved him as much as i did, so thats why i take part of the blame."

muckypups - I used to think like this - When he first told me of ow, of course I wanted to know "WHY!" - His response was "I didn't think you loved me anymore".

I now realise that this was just him transferring some of the guilt onto me. I loved him and I think he knew that. And if he didn't, well all he had to do was talk to me, but instead he started a new relationship. I cannot take the blame for that, and neither should you.

Pretend all of this was happening to a close friend. What would you think? Would you think it was your friends fault or her partners?

Putting it that way stirling then yes my immediate reaction is to blame the partner that strayed. My dh tried to talk to me but i wasnt ready to listen, he just didnt try hard enough. It was only when this happened that the true extent of how he felt all came out. We definatley need to talk again, without blaming each other or me taking the blame. I think a heart to heart on how we both feel would do us good. I still have questions un answered but im not sure if i should ask and drag it all up again.

I need to know where and when they had theese heart to hearts.
I need to know if they cuddled.
I need to know why he let himself get so distant from me and why he lied when he knew the rumours must have been about him
Why he let me get to nearly 6st in wieght with worry and then tell me he didnt fancy me any more.
Just why did this happen, how could he so easily transfer his feelings onto someone else.
Some of theese questions he did ans, he said he hadnt felt right in the marriage for years not just months but then with all my wieght loss he started feeling things for this OW.

So do i drag this all up or do we concentrate on how things are now and keep working at it. Will it really do us good do talk about it again? This is all so confusing.

Well if you don't have answers to those questions then yes you do have to drag it up again.

If it wasn't bothering you then maybe not

But it is, isn't it?

There is no reason why he shouldn't answer all your questions really

You really should know the answers to those questions now. You will never move on from this until you can sort it all out in your head and, even if you can't totally understand, you can maybe understand a bit of what was going on in your dh's head.

I probably asked too many questions. I know where they were when they were together, where they went drinking and even visited the bedroom they spent their sordid time in. I probably know too much now but I had to know at the time.

Maybe you could ask him for one evening where you sit down and he is totally honest with you and you ask all the questions that you want to. Write things down before so you dont forget things and then have some time on your own to digest the info and see how you feel then.

If you have lost so much weight with anxiety then you are probably not being supported by your dh fully. He needs to tell you he loves you and how wonderful you are.

Please speak to a counsellor, whether through relate or take a look in the yellow pages (check they are qualified though).

Don't visit him, but do tell him it's a deal breaker and you're deeply disappointed and hurt.

I wouldn't give a shit how she interprets any of your actions it is not about winning it is about your marriage and at the end of the day that's all that matters.

MP, sorry you are going through this. ust wanted to add my experiences if they'll help.

My dh had a full emotoonal and ohysical affair with a work colleague nearly 5 years ago.We have surrvived, moved on and are now closer and stronger having dealt with this trauma together. At the time it nearly tore us apart and still leaves me with the odd day of pain and secyrity/ trust issue.

In my opinion even if my dh hadn't had a physical relationship it would still have been an affair. For me if one partner gives away a part of themselves to another which really should only be given to their dh/dw and choses to keep it a sectret form their partner uses lies and deception to hide it then however far it's gone surely that's an affair?

The only way to try to recover, we found, was lots of true, honest and open talking about our feelings and what had happened. You have to get the demonds out in the open before you can make sesnes of them deal with thme then slowly move forward. Whatever your dh thinks of what happened he has to understand that for you now his actions have raised huge trust/ security issues and you can't just forget these without trying to make sense of what happened.So in my opinion -for what its worth- yes you do have to talk it fully out. It wont be easy it will be painful but until you do that you cant begin to recover. All the feelings left unsaid just eat away at you and they come out eventually often in a much more destructive way.

Our matras in the aftermath became "NO MORE SECRETS" and "Demonds out in the open"
Once you both do that and deal with what's going on in your head then and only then can you start to tecover and move on. Good luck!

Thank you all so much for your advice and help. I will def set a date to talk properply with my Dh.

Whirling just to clarify my wieght is now back to normal, i lost all the wieght early in the year when all the rumours at work started. Going back to the control issue that was the only thing i felt i could control.

Maturer your right about emotional or pysicall, its all betrayal and its soul destroying. Im pleased things are back on track for you and your Dh. I think it takes a lot of strength to try and forget, forgive and move on.