If your DH was having a meeting/lunch with his ex OW would you ?

[muckypups]

Ill make this as short as possible but my dh had an emotional affair with someone he works with about 4 months ago and whilst i thought i had closure on it and was happy that its all over and we have fixed our problems, i have found out he has a meeting with her this afternon around lunch time and its eating me up.

As she still works with him I have asked him not to have private meetings with her, if its in his office then the door has to be left open and going out for lunch is a definate no no.

Basically i want to see if he is sticking to those rules as then i may finally have closure on it.

I have no reason to suspect that anything is still going on, but they did become very close and im still hurting from it. He knows how i feel and he knows i still have bad days where i get paranoid (usually a few days before auntie flo visits)

So do i visit the office or not?

Who do you thinks being controlled, me? I dont think i am, my dh is the least controlling type of man i know. Sounds cliche but hes a really nice guy.

If anything im the controlling one.Hands up to that one, saying that i have changed, this has changed me. I reacted totally different to how i thought i would. Do you think im controlling what happens then?

Maybe it is just your posting style but you do seem a bit like you are trying to make yourself believe that everything is ok (which clearly it isn't as you don't trust him and he isn't transparent with you) Sort of fingers in your ears

You say you want to see if he is sticking to your rules and then you may finally get closure on it. I'm not sure what you mean by this. Things aren't ever going to be what they were before. This thing has happened, it will always be with you. It is part of your relationship now. I fail to see how you are going to rebuild your trust in him if he doesn't volunteer information like this and you are going to snoop on him and find that out. It will just eat away at you.

It's not like you have insisted that he tells you every time they have contact - presumably you would feel that this would be demonstrating your controlling nature and you think he might not like that? (just guessing here!)

Do you not think that as you have had your security ripped apart and your life turned upside down, that wanting to control things might just be a survivial instinct and to bury those feelings might not be the best thing in the long run?

How did you react as opposed to how you thought you might?

I thought id go mad, which i did intially, i left the house in my jim jams as some un eartly hour in the morning and wandered around for hours. I just needed space as the house felt like it was closing in on me.But after we talked i realised what ive been like to live with and that over the years ive been pushing him away.

So yes ive changed to try and be what i was like when we first fell in love, and if thats controlling the situation then yes i must be. I dont think its out of controlling to ask him to see her as little as possible. But hey, what will be will be.

Ill try and calm down a bit and be myself, i do feel constantly on edge, a bit like its not my life im living, its like im looking at it from the outside.

Thank you alll for your honesty

God i hate to think of myself as controlling. How can i change that? I dont think of people as nice if they are controlling.

OMG

So it was all your fault?

Have you seen a couples counsellor? It really sounds to me like you are being controlled here and not the other way round.

Yes you may have been difficult to live with but the way for him to deal with that is to talk to you about it or seek help, not to start up a relationship with some girl at work and then blame it all on you.

I certainly don't think it is controlling of you to want to know when he sees this girl - if you read my last post again I think that you should have this information and you shouldn't feel that this is you demonstrating your alleged controlling nature - it is a natural thing to want in this situation.

You have to stop suppressing your feelings and pretending to be someone you aren't so as not to rock the boat. You need to tell him how you feel and what you need him to do to help you re-gain his trust and feel better about it. You can't walk around bottling it all up - that is just storing up problems for later.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to try and re-gain control in a situation like this.

(sorry obv you don't have to do anything!)

Im just scared Cd, i dont know how to be anymore. It was so out of character for my Dh to do this, so it had to be my fault?

No i havnt seen a councellor but reading back on the recent posts i think i may have too.

I'm sure you are scared

But you cannot blame it all on yourself
Really

Have you asked him if he is willing to see a couples counsellor? If you have ishoos of your own then yes seeing a counsellor on your own would be good.

Have you been angry (towards him) or are you just scared so far?

Read this

you appear to have gone straight to acceptance (on the outside) while being in denial (on the inside)

I havnt been angry with him, no. Lots of tears and i was very calm no tears when i told him to go to her if thats what he wanted.

At the begining he said he would see someone with me but we sort of got through it (or so i thought)

I like the bit about him being unscathed. So True!!!! After a works party when we were all there, on the way home my dh said to me. Well that went well didint it? ( he meant i didnt go mad and through a glass of something in her face). Im my head i was thinking, well it went well for you. I spent most of the night on rescue remedy trying not to cry.

Hes home now, gotta go. Thank you all xx

I like the growling! Shall try that tomorrow when my h makes an appearance. He will probably think that I have finally lost the plot

muckypups - The counselling is helpful because they make you discuss things that you may not be discussing when you are on your own - sometimes we think we are ok but really we have just buried things. But they dont go away forever, they will keep coming back until they are sorted.

poor you

I think you have to tell him how you are feeling, I would guess he has no idea

(also I reckon if you suddenly start growling out of the blue he might call the men in white coats...)

Agree with CD.

Maybe by taking the responsibility for what has happened onto yourself, you then accept the blame, feel as if it is dealt with and then try to move on.

Unfortunately, your DH needs to be involved in this process if you are to move on together. And it will probably be messy, which might not be appealing.

definitely arrange the counselling muckypup...

Interesting that CountessDracula picked up the control issue too... you're both being controlling and your responses are controlled rather than genuine. If your relationship is to get through this, you need to start being honest with yourself about how you REALLY feel.

Yes I agree
And if you are naturally a bit of a control freak it will not be easy at all to let yourself feel your feelings

You have to reconcile yourself to the fact that there are some things in life you can't control. (I am control freak too so I understand how you feel a bit)

Once you accept that you will be in freefall for a bit I suspect. It will be an unfamiliar and terrifying feeling. But also a release in the long run. I should imagine your relationship will improve a lot in teh long run if you can do it.

Let me guess...
you have always felt in control of your feelings and that things don't really affect you as much as they do other people

You are a fixer - when there is a problem you look to fix it immediately

You are a coper - everyone thinks you can deal with things well

am I right?

Wow CD, dont know about muckypup, but that just about sums me up!!