How do I tell my mother that, actually, large chunks of my childhood were pretty miserable?

[purplehairpiercedears]

Whenever my mother and I talk about when I was a kid it always ends up (no matter what I've been saying) with her going, "Yeah - but you were ok, weren't you? Yuo had a good childhood?"

I try to avoid the subject as much as I can, as I don't want to upset the relationship we have now - and she is a fabulous granny to my dc's. But when it comes up I just feel like shit, and never know whether to say anything to her or not. I was far from a deprived child - and I know I was a very wanted and loved one. But my mother's attitude really gets me down a lot of the time and impacts onto our lives now. Her tacit disapproval of my life now - from everything to my dh (who she insisted I marry when I was pg with ds) to the age gap between my dc.

Should I say anything when the subject next comes up? Apologies for the disjointed post and namechange - she posts on MN a lot of the time.

This notion of not saying anything out of perhaps hurting her feelings and making her (toxic parent) feel like crap . That is again putting their feelings before your own and thus not validating your own concerns.

I also say this because toxic parents do not take responsibility for their own actions but instead are more likely to come up with a set of stock responses and or a laundry list of your own supposed shortcomings. They don't like being challenged.

I think you have to concentrate on your healing. It is worth pursuing the counseling. Get selfish about it! Can you save up for it maybe? I found it incredibly cathartic. I used to dwell on the bad things that had happened (and they weren't dire) and make myself miserable. Also if you can grow out of the child you were you may find your mums present day comments more likely to "slide off", rather than stick, thus meaning you don't feel you have to confront her to feel OK about it. I think you also have to let go the idea she will ever be the mum you want or even need. It's quite tough to stop trying to get validation from your parents I think, but if you can learn to think about them as friends (after all most friends we can get mad at without feeling bad about ourselves) or just "ordinary" relatives it does help.

Finally if you can talk through the pain with someone external you may find you can talk to your mum in a non confrontational way (because you will be less actively upset) that is cathartic rather than recycling everything.

Oh cripes reading these makes me wonder how my many cock ups have affected/are affecting my children and how they will feel about me in the future. They know they are loved but clearly this is not enough.

Purple,

I think that women whose own parents were and remain toxic become even more determined not to repeat the behaviours their parents did to them but instead forge their own healthy relationship path with their children.

We all make mistakes with raising our children but there is a vast chasm between making mistakes that do no long term harm and abusive behaviours that toxic parents repeat over and over to the emotional detriment of their children. It is sometimes only when these children become adults and have families of their own that they realise how poorly they themselves were treated. It is both a horrible and painful realisation.

Many fathers from such dysfunctional toxic families have acted as bystanders i.e they see emotional abuse of their child but do nothing to prevent it (out of perhaps wanting a quiet life for themselves). My FIL is a bystander.

Some of you seem to be assuming that Purplehair had a normal childhood but I get the impression she didn't, she just hasn't told us details of bad things that happened. If it was normal and there were just a few small mistakes, which all parents make, then it is right to not dwell on it, but if what happened was more serious then being in denial about it is damaging for her mental and physical health and could have a negative effect on how she parents her own children. In this case she should not just forgive and forget and move on without dealing with it in some way.

Hi Purple, sometimes things cannot be just 'moved on' from especially when your past is also your present and you hvae children yourself and are reminded on a daily basis, in fact relive your childhood as your bring up your own children. CAT me if you want, I'm not your mum I've been a regular poster on the Stately Homes thread since the original two years ago so you can check up I'm not her. Must be hard to want to talk freely and not being able to.

I really think that we have to learn to deal with these tings alone (well without involving our parents)

This depends, I think of what sort of BAD the child hood was. If you were abused/violent etc then I think it would be different.

I know my mum did the best she thought she could. If this menat a pretty unconventional childhood then she thought it was 'good' for us and exciting when perhaps to me it was scary (among other things)

BUT, telling her how crap some of was would not help us. I have dealt with it and see her for the amazing person she is - with her faults.

does that make sense?

Ridiculous. The OP is still pissed off at having to tidy her room, and other very normal childhood rules?

No specific advice except that I think many people will recognise where the OP is coming from.

If you've been unfortunate enough to have a really AWFUL childhood, with violence or abuse, than I suppose you are at least ALLOWED to have negative feelings about it.

For the vast majority of people, it won't be as extreme, but they will be able to identify with that feeling of 'tacit disapproval'. And a lifetime of feeling that you're never quite up to the mark, that there's always an under current of disapproval, can arguably be just as damaging in a different way.

Makes you stop and reflect about how you're bringing up your own children though doesn't it? Which can't be a bad thing.

oh god how I wish I could be the perfect mother.

I know my kids will have all sorts of things that I did wrong! Can't wait!!