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Original poster

Living a lie

44 replies

Mamaduke · 15/10/2008 12:56

I am completely living a lie and it is all getting too much. I can't sleep, have no appetite, don't want to talk to anyone, snapping at the kids.
Its been going on for two years and I am very, very tempted to move out of the area and start again but that would be so unfair on the DC's as they wouldn't get to see family.

OP posts:
krib · 15/10/2008 12:57

Mamaduke, what do you mean by living a lie?

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 15/10/2008 12:59

Yes what kind of lie are you living?

LullyMummaOfOne · 15/10/2008 12:59

Mamaduke, can you tell is more? DO you have any family or close friends who can help?

JustKeepSwimming · 15/10/2008 13:00

Imagine worst case scenario - what would happen if your 'lie' came out?
Would that, long-term, be better or worse for the DCs?

Are you sure you aren't blackmailing yourself with your 'secret'?

Original poster
Mamaduke · 15/10/2008 13:08

Everything is a lie. My whole life. Everything I have told family and friends in the past 2 years has been a lie and its been going on for so long now that I can't tell the truth anymore. They think my life is completely different to what it is. I feel like there is no turning back anymore but I don't feel like moving on either.

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 15/10/2008 13:12

Is this a lie about practicalities, or about your feelings?

Original poster
Mamaduke · 15/10/2008 13:41

Practicalities. Money basically.

I came into quite a lot of money around 2 years ago. I knew people would resent it so I tried to hide it and it went well at first. I just carried on pretending I was skint, couldn't afford this, couldn't afford that etc and it wasn't hard to do because I just didn't have any desire to go out and blow loads of money anyway. It was nothing like I imagined it to be.

Then after a bit I decided to put it to good use and moved house. Not in an expensive house, just a nice 3 bed semi in a good area. And then everyone started questioning it asking how I could afford it etc. I told them I had a job working in a mental health institute. It was realistic because I'd recently gone for a similar interview anyway so they reluctantly believed that.

Then my car went. It was going to cost over £1k to fix and it wasn't even worth that it total so I decided to buy a car. Not a brand new one, it was about 3 years old when I bought it, just a nice family car, nothing flash. Then everyone, family etc started up again asking how I could afford this and that, I told them I get alot of help being a single parent and they swallowed it for a while but rumours started going around that I was getting into debt with credit cards, loans etc and wouldn't tell anyone as I was embarrassed.

Then last year I decided to put the kids into private school. But ONLY because the local schools were so crap and DS needs to be stretched. I didn't plan on telling anyone about this and ended up keeping away from the family for ages, months. Then out of the blue my mum came around to see where I had been and to tell me everyone was worried. She asked DS how he liked secondary school and he said it was great, he then ran upstairs and came back down with his uniform to show her.

She asked how the hell I could afford private and so I said DS had a scholarship. DS of course then said "what's a scholarship?" and I don't think she believed me. My aunt then started poking holes in my story saying there was no way I'd be able to afford this house doing the job I said I did and that the private school didn't just give out scholarships like that etc so I ended up telling them that I had ben going to college on a night and with my new qualifications I'd managed to get promoted to a manager and was on really good money. I then said that the car was bought with tax credits rebate and that I was renting the house cheaply as I knew the owner. All of this of course is a lie but they all started saying how proud they were of me, how I'd proved everyone wrong and had really made something of myself.

I've not spent a penny more because I just darnt. The kids are missing out because of this. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm sick of worrying what people are saying, have they caught on yet? have the kids said anything they shouldn't have? will they start investigating properly as my aunt is a nurse and could easily find out if I'm working for the NHS at all.

I just want to move away but I feel so loney and depressed. I hate the way everything is now. Sorry for going on.

OP posts:
Carmenere · 15/10/2008 13:43

I don't really see what the problem is unless you came into the money illegally?

Bramshott · 15/10/2008 13:44

Sorry if this sounds dim, but why is it their business?! Do you owe them money for when they've helped you out in the past?

I would just tell them - I came into some money, and I haven't been upfront about it because I was concerned about hurting your feelings. Much, much better to get it out in the open than to keep lying like this surely?

Ummm · 15/10/2008 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustKeepSwimming · 15/10/2008 13:46

so, let's say for eg that you won the lottery right?
you've since tried to improve your & dcs quality of life but didn't want to brag about the money so made up stories about where the money came from.

just say... you sat your mum down and told her, 'mum i won the lottery a couple of years ago so i can afford not to work and everything else but i didn't want the fuss/attention it would create so kept it quiet'
(you don't have to say how much of course but you could decide to go the total honesty route? or stick with story-telling and play it down a bit for now)

would your mum really think less of you? would you of someone else if they told you the same thing?
surely better to be thought a bit daft for making up stories than a fool with your money?
sounds like the emotional baggage of them not thinking you would make something of yourself is not very nice but think of the egg on their faces when they find out the truth!

hth

morningpaper · 15/10/2008 13:47

What is stopping you from coming clean?

LullyMummaOfOne · 15/10/2008 13:50

Agree with Carmenere, where did the money come from? If you won it on the lottery or something then why cant you just tell them but make out its only just happened??

I would come clean and explain the whole thing, although its none of anyones business really!

MascaraOHara · 15/10/2008 13:51

Tell them you won 50k on a scratch card..

big chunk went towards new home, car and school fees

no left

OPersonally I'd go down the avenue of "I'm a grown women, where I get my money from is none of your business"

morningpaper · 15/10/2008 13:53

I would STOP the lying, not start NEW ones

Just tell them the truth

What do you have to lose?

One of my friends told me recently that she came into a lot of money last year - I was really pleased for her. She hadn't told me before, because it was none of my bloody business. But why would I feel anything other than pleased for her? I don't get it?

JustKeepSwimming · 15/10/2008 13:58

Sound like you have talked yourself into (what you feel is) a corner and can't get out.
Try and see it from an outside perspective...?

I guess you might not people to know in case they come knocking for handouts and you will have to decide your policy on that before telling the truth (if there's lots left that is).
We all sit around and talk about 'what we would do if...' but in reality i guess it might not be a bed of roses...

best of luck but i think you will have to tell the truth.

anyfucker · 15/10/2008 13:59

did you rob a bank or summat ?

what a ridiculous situation to be in

I can see how one small lie led to another and now you are trapped

unless the money is dodgy, or you owe people, why are you under seige as to how you spend it ?

sort it out now

come clean and get a grip

anyfucker · 15/10/2008 14:00

...btw, can you lend me £20 ? ...

WingsofaBatEyeofNewt · 15/10/2008 14:01

I don't see what you do has anything to do with your Aunt.
They maybe worried you are getting into debt.
You can tell them you are not.

You don't have to say how much money you came into.

Tell them and if they don't like what you say then that is their problem not yours.

Original poster
Mamaduke · 15/10/2008 14:02

Because they all think I've earnt it by working hard etc. They all keep going on about how I must have worked my arse off just for the sake of my kids and how proud they are and how well I've done for myself. I just feel so shit. Imagine what it's going to be like if I say "well actually, I didn't do sod all for it, I won it but took all the credit for two years anyway".

Apart from that they're going to wonder why I didn't help anyone out in the past two years and the truth is, I didn't want to. With the exception of a couple of people, none of them have ever done anything for me other than laugh at me and call me because I was unemployed on a council estate but I know it sounds selfish, especially as I've sat by and watched people struggle.

My cousin for instance had her heart set on a house but she needed to come up with £1k, she couldn't get hold of it and was really upset. I could have given her it but I kept thinking "why should I? if it was me in desperate need of money like that nobody would want to know".

I knew they'd resent it when they found out, its the kind of family that hate anyone getting anything good.

The worse thing was, before I got the money we'd booked a holiday to Egypt. All budget, lowest price everything, just to get the kids abroad. Then after the money I went in to the travel agents to get it changed, upgrade the hotel, nicer resort and everything but my mum was hovering around (she went in to book a holiday) and started going on about getting into debt, trying to buy stuff I can't afford so I didn't bother. As a result we went on a really budget holiday which was nice, but it could have been so much better and I feel so guilty about the kids who missed out on that.

OP posts:
MascaraOHara · 15/10/2008 14:05

honestly imvho

Spend your money on what you like..

don't answer there questions

just bog standard response of changing the subject or politely saying you don't want to/feel the need to discuss it.

Just reiterate to you mother "I can afford it, it's fine" and say nothing more

seriously.. it all sounds very odd.. odd that they think they have a right to say anything about your spending habits

MascaraOHara · 15/10/2008 14:05

eek their (not there#)

lulumama · 15/10/2008 14:07

just come clean!

are you worried they are going to start tapping you for money though?

live your life the way you want to and stop thinking so much about what everyone else thinks

you are lucky to not have to worry about money especially at the moment so enjoy it !!

you could always tell people the rest of the money is tied up in trust for your DCs so they can;t ask you for any

morningpaper · 15/10/2008 14:08

Yes it does sound odd

Seriously, why not have a course of counselling? You are relying too much on what people think of you

AND you can afford a GREAT counsellor

Then after that, decide how you are going to go forward

WingsofaBatEyeofNewt · 15/10/2008 14:08

Ok so tell them you've come into money now, so you can give up your job (which you don't have) You can go on the holidays you want.

If people ask for money tell them you've invested it.

Or continue the lie and make you and your family unhappy.

If you told them the truth would they disown you and would that bother you ?