Living a lie

[Mamaduke]

I am completely living a lie and it is all getting too much. I can't sleep, have no appetite, don't want to talk to anyone, snapping at the kids.
Its been going on for two years and I am very, very tempted to move out of the area and start again but that would be so unfair on the DC's as they wouldn't get to see family.

Is it part of a bigger picture in your relationship with your family? Do you think you need to assert with them that you are an adult, even if that means distancing yourself a bit?

Oh dear, you've been digging yourself in ever deeper haven't you? I think you're going to have to face up to telling them the truth (not necessarily the amount, that's none of their business) and taking their reaction. You've been lying to them, and whatever the reason they may be unhappy about that.

It's also worth thinking about some kind of counselling to help you work through your feelings towards your family - it sounds like their idea that you'd never make anything of your life has defined you, and you need to get past that and do what you want without having to fret about what other people will think of you for it. If they're worth anything, they should think more of you for being yourself, not less.

what do you think you are going to do now?

I do feel for you actually and it must be hard now you have told the lies.

Having money can be worse than having none but would it really be so awful if they did find out? They sound awful anyway so would it be that much of a loss to you if they didnt speak to you much?

I would just do what I wanted to do and to hell with the rest of them!

You are an adult. You don't need to provide anyone with explanations as to how you can afford things. Your family sound controlling and hectoring. Resolve not to tell any more lies but also be firm with these people - tell them they are being very nosy and if you feel you can't manage that then try not saying anything at all in response to their nosiness. Silence is hugely underrated.

Draw a line underneath the silly lies but don't move. Moving would not make the lies disappear in any case.

Stop feeling guilty. It sounds as though you are doing some very sensible things with your money. If your family knew the truth they would surely be proud and pleased that you are being so sensible.

Big LOL @ "What's a scholarship?"

Marmaduke, I mean this kindly, but this isn't a really awful problem.

I understand that it's your right to tell people what you want to tell them, and I know sometimes you can't win, people question what your priorities are.... but listen I'm stoney broke and I still have people questioning the choices I make.

I think you should have one final THINK, find a version of the truth that you're comfortable admitting to, and then, when asked, and only when asked, because you ARE entitled to be private... answer accordingly.

You sound sensible, and not a flash harry! You have money for what you neeed, what you prioritise! enjoy the security and treat yourself occassionally and don't feel guilty!

Are you ashamed of how you came into money?

I can only think of a few main ways- legacy from rich aunt, lottery, gambling, competition, sugar daddy, bank raid or other illegal sources.

Which is it?

You see, you are asking for help because in your words you are "living a lie" yet even here where you are anonymous, you still cannot answer how you got the money- so if it is so hard to do it with strangers, how on earth are you going to do it with family?

I am a little suspect of your story and don't want to be, and I hope you are genuine, but there is so much that doesn't add up- I would have thought your family would easily be able toput 2 and 2 together and realise that even with the best job in the world, you could not afford all those things, unless you were in a totally different job.

If you tell us WHY you lied, apart from feeling you had to be a good provider, then I for one might be able to believe you!

Was it drugs?

If you got the money from selling drugs, hand the rest over to a good charity. Dont' go crazy selling your house or anything. But if this money is burning a hole in your pocket and your conscience, give it to charity.

Sorry- yes, I missed that.

I think it is ridiculous- why be ashamed of winning money and using it for your family.

I think you need counselling. Being able to do the best for your family should be a joy and if you feel that you need to prove yourself as a provider or be accountable ( pun intentional) to your family then something is wrong somewhere.

Go and use some money to get yourself sorted.

oh I'm really sorry Marmaduke, I missed that bit.

Maybe the poster who suggested a couple of counselling sessions was on to something. I think you need to reconcile your old self with your new self! Or something like that.

You have to strike a balance between recognising that you're entitled to some privacy, without obsessing about covering things up.

Kerrist! With family like that I'd have sold up and shipped out well before I could even afford to!

You really want your kids around these people?

Although to be fair I would have in a heartbeat given that £1k to my cousin - but then again I know any of my cousins (and I have a lot) would have given that to me, if they could.

Seriously, what are you sticking around these people for? They sound so toxic and really, really instrusive!

oh and stop right now feeling in anyway that your children missed out on that holiday, i'm sure they had a fab time and loved it regardless!

just shows that you have made something of yourself whatever your family may think if you can save up on not much money to give your DCs the chance to go on a foreign holiday, remind yourself of everything you have ACHIEVED for yourself and family, aside from winning some money.

Are you OK Marmaduke?

They seem to have their noses stuck well into your business.
Is there anyway you could distance yourself enough from them so that they don't know the details of how much your holidays, car, house etc costs?
I think its very rude to be asking you all this.
Could you just book a nicer holiday and fib about the cost?

Also second having a few sessions with a councillor, just to help you adjust to your life.
Totally understand your reasons for not telling your family, I think if it was me that I wouldn't tell anyone either.

Are you ok?