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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

MIL is either rude or tactless

28 replies

ilovetochat · 14/10/2008 20:10

Today I went to an exercise class and left dd in a creche for an hour, it's the first time i've left her in a creche and she is 15 months and she was fine and was happily playing when i returned and had only cried once when the door opened and she saw it wasn't me.
I just relayed the story to ils who popped round and she jumped on the part about her crying and said poor dd being left and crying as if i was terrible for leaving her. She then kept saying over and over poor dd.
Can't she have a bit of tact and realise it was hard for me to leave her and i need a bit of encouragement that she will be fine. I have given up work, hobbies and social life since dd was born and still bf so i think i have given her everything i can but it seems its never enough.

OP posts:

anyfucker · 14/10/2008 20:13

never mind rude or tactless

she is a bitch

Dropdeadfred · 14/10/2008 20:14

did your MIL offer to have her instead? no? then she should shut up...

Saturn74 · 14/10/2008 20:15

Don't some grandmothers just do this sort of thing though?

My MIL used to do the old "oh, are you hungry, doesn't Mummy feed you properly?" bit when my DCs cried when tiny.

It was just her way of interacting with the children - that's what I assumed, anyway.

I tuned her out, and let her get on with it.

Original poster

ilovetochat · 14/10/2008 20:17

no she has never offered to have her, we went with them to a farm on Sunday and dd went in a play barn there and went on the bouncy castle, mil said i'll wait outside its too noisy, kids get on my nerves now i'm older.
Everyone pussyfoots round her as she has had mental problems in the past but i'm not prepared to walk on eggshells for her.
She is always on about unmarried mothers (which i am and that makes her son an unmarried father) and calls me my dp's ex's name still after 7 years.

OP posts:

anyfucker · 14/10/2008 20:19

what a cow

toxic MIL

Dropdeadfred · 14/10/2008 20:19

make sure you don't answer the door next time they 'pop round'

Kally · 14/10/2008 20:19

Silly woman, tell her she can have baby for you next time,... Different era... different way of interacting... don't worry about it.

MsHighwater · 14/10/2008 20:21

Rise above it. Would she prefer that your dd never gets used to being looked after by anyone other than you? Imo, it saves a lot of hassle later on if kids get used to being at creches and the like. She'll go to nursery one day. You could point out to your MIL that getting your dd used to being away from you (and from other family) is reducing the risk that she will be the sobbing child who has to be peeled off the (probably also sobbing) parent's legs at nursery. Far better to try to avoid that kind of distress by showing her that she will be safe in other people's company and that you will always come back for her.

Original poster

ilovetochat · 14/10/2008 20:22

they were only here half an hour (thankfully) when she remembered they left the front door open and she blamed fil and said it was his fault if her tv had gone. If she knew it was open why didn't she lock it?
when they leave i am stressed, aaaagh.
she contradicts everything i do, i say look at the horse, she then calls it a gee gee, why? i bf, she says give her a bottle.

OP posts:

Kally · 14/10/2008 20:24

as for calling you by ex's name... call her something else, like Thelma or something... she'll stop it as quick as that.

broguemum · 14/10/2008 20:24

Sounds like my MIL!!!! TOXIC!

Original poster

ilovetochat · 14/10/2008 20:25

thank you mshighwater, thats what i don't want, she has never been babysat by anyone so if i don't leave her at a creche she will be with me till the day she starts nursery and that wouldn't be good for either of us.
I have asked my mom to babysit next week so dp and i can have a meal together (our first night out in 15 months) and mom has agreed so hopefully that will be a success, i'm sure mil will have an opinion on that too, especially as it is mine and dps birthday and she wont get to see her precious son.

OP posts:

geraldinetheluckygoat · 14/10/2008 20:25

Oh god, she sounds terrible. Dealing with mil's is bloody awful sometimes, mine does that, latches on to a really annoying statement and then can't seem to stop herself repeating it over and over. Annoying.

Original poster

ilovetochat · 14/10/2008 20:47

feeling better after soak in the bath, washed my anger away. till she comes again.

OP posts:

Tommy · 14/10/2008 20:50

DH and I decided that DS3 (14m at the time) would go to a nursery for one short day a week. When I told me Mum she was horrified . If I had told her we were sending him up a chimney she wouldn't have been more shocked

She is rude and tactless

asdmumandteacher · 14/10/2008 20:51

My MIL is useless with my disabled son and just says to me "Oh its so sad so sad" "I can't get over it"...grrr...how the hell odes she think me and her son cope

Wigglesworth · 14/10/2008 21:28

My Mum gets on my tits. Before DS was born (he is only 11 weeks now) she just assumed that she would be looking after him when I went back to work (he will be 9m old). When I informed her that he would be going to nursery at least a couple of days a week she proceeded to inform me of how cruel it is to put a baby in nursery and that she and my Dad thought it was wrong!
I do not want her to look after DS full time as I am not a fan of her "parenting", my brother is 34 still lives with them and is spoiled and has no sense of responsibility because of how he is treated by them. He was allowed to do what he wanted and got everything he asked for when he little cos my Dad's parents were minted (no longer with us now). I am totally diff. I had no grandparents interfering when I was small!
It all just sets alarm bells ringing that history will repeat itself!!!

Original poster

ilovetochat · 15/10/2008 14:19

why do they get so rude, they must know in their head's that it's not right to say such things but they don't seem to care.
Wheni was pregnant they told me how fat i looked and put the weight all over and when i went into hospital they said i wouldn't go there you might get mrsa, thanks for cheering me up.
My mom is so different, she puts everyone first and would never be rude to dp. dp says his mom has always been like it and just ignore her.

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 15/10/2008 15:46

I read some good advice on here about how to deal with rude children. Sounds like it would work with your MIL - and mine who keeps making snippy comments about the fact my DD is in nursery two afternoons a week like it's a parenting crime.

Just say, "Ooh, that sounds like a very rude thing to say. Did you mean to be rude?"

sammybeth · 15/10/2008 15:49

My mil says things like this sort of jokingly and i always reply with yes i know im a really bad mother. This normally shuts her up.

ConstanceWearing · 15/10/2008 15:56

Lol Winky. Go on, say it, ILTC. It would be so funny!!

Original poster

ilovetochat · 15/10/2008 19:42

might try that one winky if she keeps it up.

OP posts:

scaryteacher · 16/10/2008 08:47

Just to cheer you up, my mil still refers to my ds as 'that poor boy' if he complains he's hungry. He is 13 next week, so is certainly old enough to make himself toast or sort out a bowl of cereal!

Original poster

ilovetochat · 16/10/2008 15:01

don't you butter his toast for him

OP posts:

Janos · 16/10/2008 15:50

She sounds unhinged! Crying cos you left your dd in a creche?

Poor you having to deal with her.

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