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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help with honest advice.....dont need a bashing though!!!

41 replies

whatanightmare · 10/10/2008 10:14

I am married to a fab guy for 12 years and we have 2 dd, live in nice house etc....

i have been seeing somebody for past 3 weeks and it WAS very intense, we had known each other for years and years but lost touch....however 4 weeks ago we gained contact again on a purely friends basis, however it developed into more (not sex)....yesterday i called him to end it all as its just not right and i really need to sort my head out, if my marraige is bad that needs to be addressed etc....i could feel myself falling for this guy.

I have cried and cried as i will miss him so much...please, i dont know what i am asking but it hurts!!!

name changed for several reasons

OP posts:
RubyRioja · 10/10/2008 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RubyRioja · 10/10/2008 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
whatanightmare · 10/10/2008 10:17

Health check???

OP posts:
RubyRioja · 10/10/2008 10:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
whatanightmare · 10/10/2008 10:18

sorry crossed posts...feel like my heart is breaking...which is bloody ridiculous isnt it??? for god sake it was 3 weeks.....

OP posts:
RubyRioja · 10/10/2008 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lilacclaire · 10/10/2008 10:22

Concentrate now on reviving things with your dh.

solidgoldskullonastick · 10/10/2008 10:23

Poor you, this is a rotten situation and please remember you are not a bad person. Nor is there necessarily anything wrong with your existing relationship (at least, you haven;t suggested there is). But many people are capable of feeling love and desire for more than one individual. However if you and your DH have a monogamy agreement it's not fair to break it without consulting him.
If you are going to stick with your DH then the best thing to do is spend time and effort being nice to him, doing enjoyable couple-stuff together (can you get a babysitter and go out somewhere?) and doing enjoyable family stuff. Gradually the miseries will ease as long as you don't give yourself too much time to brood.

mamalovesmambo · 10/10/2008 10:23

You are in lust. do not mess up your, as you say, nice life. What made you feel you needed to do this? Are stuck in a rut, something making you unhappy, sounds like you wanted a bit of excitement. Cut off contact now, an b strong. You may miss him but think of the scenario if your DH found out, is i worth all the pain?

pReachyTheExorcist · 10/10/2008 10:25

I tink you're being brave actualy to address it before it went further. bv I don't know your dh but if it were mine in this situation I could forgive many tings but not actual sex (don't know why, just me).

Tere's nowt wrong with fallin for somebody and at least you ahd the strength to say no. ou now need to work out what needs to be done to strengthen your marriage for the futue but its a good sign it was important enough for you to stop this now.

Original poster
whatanightmare · 10/10/2008 10:30

Me and my dh have a good life, we do go out without kids and have lots of time with them too.....i cannot see what is wrong with the marraige.....so it has to be a problem with me and i am beating myself up over it all.

3 years ago i had a very close friendship with a male and my dh found out and we very nearly broke up and it was a very dark time...i never want to go back there so why the hell did i do this??? i have seen the heartbreak first hand and it was hell on earth for my dh.

if my dh found out it would be terrible for him, me and the girls....dont want to put us in that place.

i just cant stop crying and thinking of other man....he is single by the way.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatanightmare · 10/10/2008 10:41

why do i feel broken in two and how do i get through it?

OP posts:
Original poster
whatanightmare · 10/10/2008 10:43

also, i have text him this morning already, he has replied......i have asked him if i can text him later as i know he is stacked out this morning...no reply!!!

help!!

OP posts:
sclubheaven · 10/10/2008 10:44

you feel broken because something intense and passionate has just ended. This has compounded your feelings of how 'ordinary' your relationship with your DH feels.

The feeling of heartbreak will pass with time and you will feel really pleased with yourself that you did the right thing.

Give yourself a bit of time, then throw your energies into looking at your marriage and what the problem is that is causing you to look elsewhere for satisfaction.

sclubheaven · 10/10/2008 10:45

who did you text? DH or the man?

Original poster
whatanightmare · 10/10/2008 10:47

the other man....why did i do that?? what a twat i am.....he must be thinking ...what a phsyco?? ha ha

OP posts:
Sanctuary · 10/10/2008 10:48

At least you had the sense to see what might have happened and walked away .That takes a lot of backbone

I do agree with mama its lust and the excitement of it all thats swept you off your feet.

But please be strong and do not contact this guy or the tears and pain will be far more for you and your family.If you did

pReachyTheExorcist · 10/10/2008 10:51

delete his number from your phone now whilst you ae being strong, don't write it down anywhere

Original poster
whatanightmare · 10/10/2008 10:54

i know it in my head, have already deleted etc, temptation is still so strong.

in my heart i know he will probably ignore texts or just tell me to get lost...as he is stronger and more sensible..ish than me, he fully understood yesterday even though he said he was gutted.....he is type of guy to ignore me for my own good!!!

OP posts:
sclubheaven · 10/10/2008 10:54

Ok. You did it because you are still caught up in the emotion of it all. But you need to stop now.

You are sending the other guy mixed messages, as well as making it impossible for you to concentrate on the most important thing which is your marriage.

Of course it's hard, but keep reminding yourself of what is at stake. This was an almost fling that you ended just in time.

You did the right thing now you need to be strong.

Sanctuary · 10/10/2008 10:55

Change your number too
Otherwise you may get the urge to text him be it when you are feeling low or when you`ve had a drink.

Original poster
whatanightmare · 10/10/2008 11:00

have been invited out tonight by my dearest friend, have said big No as i know i will text him once i have had drink....i am doing all the right things by leaving it, it just hurts so bad today.....wish we had left it as mates 3 weeks ago as he really would be a good friend to have....we over stepped the mark and ruined that.

OP posts:
VinegARGHHHTits · 10/10/2008 11:05

Whatanightmare you did the right thing, you will feel better about it in time, just try to keep busy and put it out your mind, spend some time doing nice things with your dh so that you gel again

SmallShips · 10/10/2008 11:09

If this is the second time its happend, are you sure its not a problem with your marriage, but with you? Perhaps the need to feel attractive, wanted etc?

Hope you remain strong enough not to text him! It will be hard, so be strong.

Cartoose · 10/10/2008 11:17

"yesterday i called him to end it all as its just not right"
Good for you, you absolutely did the right thing, even though it may not feel like it right now. Please don't be tempted into seeing him again.

"I have cried and cried as i will miss him so much...please, i dont know what i am asking but it hurts!!!"
You will feel better but it will take some time.

Can you spend some more time with your husband? A weekend away, or do some enjoyable things together. Try to remember what it was like when you first met your husband. The lovely things you both said/did. Remember what it felt like?