Please help with honest advice.....dont need a bashing though!!!

[whatanightmare]

I am married to a fab guy for 12 years and we have 2 dd, live in nice house etc....

i have been seeing somebody for past 3 weeks and it WAS very intense, we had known each other for years and years but lost touch....however 4 weeks ago we gained contact again on a purely friends basis, however it developed into more (not sex)....yesterday i called him to end it all as its just not right and i really need to sort my head out, if my marraige is bad that needs to be addressed etc....i could feel myself falling for this guy.

I have cried and cried as i will miss him so much...please, i dont know what i am asking but it hurts!!!

name changed for several reasons

Please don't text the OM again. Go out for a walk to clear your head or something. Just don't do it.

Well, you're trying to do the right thing.

But obviously there is something up with you that these flings are what you need - is counselling an option?

Long term relationships do get boring and your poor husband is competing with a very new and exciting proposition. Of course it's difficult to resist, but do it for your children and for your husband. You know it will spell disaster. You have to be strong and stay away from this other man. Put all your energies into your relationship with the man you chose to raise a family with. You've done the right thing by walking away- just got to stick to that decision.

I know i have done the right thing, its just the pain i am feeling, probably feel sorry for myself....i do feel ok when i am busy, but just dont feel like doing anything, does not make sense i know but hey!!

He has not text back, and i know his plans for today so i know he has the chance to text back, he is travelling for about 3 hours as a passenger!

In some ways i hope he doesnt and then i so desperatly want to hear from him....this is not fair on anybody is it?

Also, having to put on a brave face for sake of dh as he has no idea at all....god its so hard.

got my friend calling later as i know i can chat to her and she will give me honest advice and help.

Be strong - you will feel better when you can look back in the future and be proud that you didn't end up in that dark place you were talking about before.It's always good to be able to talk to your friends about it. Good luck and don't be sad.

he has text back saying that he hurts too but its the right thing, he also said that i need to sort my head and marriage out, if things pan out and i end up on my own we can see what happens, but in the mean time this is the right thing.

he is not a bad person and is doing this for my own good i know.

wish i could take away the pain, cant stop crying. my friend is gonna wonder what the hell is wrong as she has no idea.....

somebody tell me how to stop this pain.

Look, I really strongly recommend that you read both The Ethical Slut (Easton/Lizst) and Opening Up (Tristan Taormino). Thes wil help you gto understan that there is nothing wrong with either your marriage or with you. WHle both books deal with open relationships and how to conduct them successfully, whether you decide to do that or not is up to you but reading them will give you a better understanding of why monogamy is not compulsory and not the uinversal default position. Mundane counselling may well leave you feeling bitter and resentful if it starts (as it almost certainly will) from the monogamist position with no understanding of other ways of living. Basically, you may well decide to stay with your DH but understanding more about why you feel the way you do will help you make your decisions and live with them.
Best of luck.

hi all, feeling so much better today after having lengthy chat with best friend....who is brutally honest and does not mess about with her thoughts....after hearing me out and wiping my tears away, she put it all in to perspective....
om was and is no good for me, i told her what had been going on for past few weeks and she said he is a selfish male and was out to test me...in which yes i believe....yesterday all i could think about was his good points (not many) and my bf pointed out the little but not very nice things he had done to me, telling me when to turn up at his house, textin when he wanted, gettin cross as i asked a few questions about his life, sitting naked whilst we watched tv!!!!
she also mentiond why the hell this guy was single after being divorced for 3 years and why all the women he has seen have been dumped by him, why did a woman bash his door down etc......ALARM BELLS!!!!

also, most of his texts to me was of a sexual narure...i do remember thinkin when i was in the middle of it all 'why cant he send a text without it being pornographic'?

i am so glad i didnt sleep with him, if nature was not on my side last week i think i would of done!!!

Very well done you.
Stand firm!

You will feel even better next week, I promise.

Happy to hear this news whatanightmare. Sounds like you have a great friend there.

Oh he does sound like an arse. It's always flattering to be pursued by someone, but when you start to get hte feeling that the person would just as easily pursue a shoebox full of chopped liver (if it was on a really high shelf or something so gratification was not immediate) you start getting put off.
Never mind WAN. Sounds like you have had a lucky escape - and there is nothing more guaranteed to kill off illicit passionate feelings than something happening to make the leched=over person look suddenly ludicrous or a bit seedy. (Ie even JOhnny Depp would get a bit less appealing if he shat himself mid-date and was then revealed to be wearing baggy pink old ladies' knickers.)

Good for you!!! You can appreciate your lovely husband now and think what a lucky escape. Thank god for good friends - they can often see things a lot more clearly and the guy sounds like a self gratifying, marriage wrecker! Thankfully he didn't wreck yours. x

Phew! Sounds like a lucky escape WAN! I heard the phrase the other day "Love and lust make fools of all of us" and it is often v true, but luckily not for you this time as you got out!(not the love bit with this fella, but the lust bit.)
Rofl at SolidGold's johnny depp analogy!

oh please this is all about you you you - how would your poor H feel if he found out - devasted/heartbroken?? do you even care ??
If a woman posted this (and there are many on here) about her H behaving like the OP we would all be down on him like a ton of brick so how come this is ok - its bloody not grow up dont blame the OM or your H - if you dont want to be with your H then walk away grow some balls and move on and if you do then stop behaving like a little tart

Learn from this! Think about how much it hurts, even after such a short time and it not going very far, and be careful not to get into a situation where you could get too close to another man and then find it hard to stop. You don't want to feel like this again do you! If you do have a compulsion to do this sort of thing, a craving to feel wanted/loveable/attractive/excited and what you have never seems enough even though there is nothing wrong with your marriage then you might need some extra help eg therapy or read some good books on it. I hope the pain gets easier. It will probably take some time. The more contact you have with OM the longer it will hurt.