If your dh diid this how would you react/feel?

[youropinionwelcomed]

if he had a thing with a girl at work
texted her
flirteed wiht her
brought her to your house and snogged her on your sofa while you were upstairs
then lied about it for months and said nothing had happened (despite being caught in the loo on the phone to this woman while on holiday claimed that he had not snogged her, that it was only a silly thing, even lied about that and tried to pretend it was someone else he was on the phone to, then you found out nearly a year later that was not true)

Would you think this was an affair?
Would you kick him out?

what would you do?

(name changing regular btw)

how do i get this back to classic view?
this silly book style view is driving me mad!

top of this thread/first page

customise talk board
in there

oh that;s better
thanks puss

Kick him out, tell him you need time to think, make him sweat, tell your mates, and his.

Forgot to say, you poor thing, really sorry you're going through this.

But I don't need time to think
I have plenty of time
I need him to help me that's all
and see that I need his help

He agrees with me and then a few weeks later I get the same old "oh why aren't you over it" and "i hate telling you when I see her it is so emascualting"

It would definitely be over as far as I was concerned. DP did something like this a year ago, except nothing physical happened (no snogging) it was just texting and flirting but as far as I was concerned it was cheating.

If you don't like it and it feels like betrayal and cheating to you then he needs to understand that and NOT do it.

And did you kick him out Auntie?

He hasn't done it since, obv
or I would most definitely not be here

well yes i have pointed that out...

Last night he asked me if I felt that my reposnse to what he had done was proportionate

This makes me want to leave

but HOW do we move on if i can't trust him

I don't trust him to look after my best interests
he is too selfish I think
always thinks of how it affects him

well I felt like saying

NO if i had reacted proportianally you wouldn't be here

yes i did kick him out.

we later got back together but i think the point with your story is that he doesn't seem to be taking what he's done to you seriously enough.

Sometimes I think you have to do the really hard thing to stand up for yourself and show you mean business. He doesn't believe your threats and thinks he can wing it and that you'll just take because you always do. I know a number of women who've kicked a DP out, for various reasons, cheating, gambling away entire savings etc, all did it hoping it might bring them back on an even keel and they might even get back together at some point in the future. Bassically forcing these blokes for their own good and hopefully yours an dyour famliy's to get their shit together. But sometimes I think, you maybe have to show them that you're not a doormat. I guess I'm talking about self respect ultimately. Leaving him doesn't stop him being a good dad.

quite
you've got it

Treating you lke that and well, crapping on you from a great height does stop him from being a good partner though...

You don't have to split up, you could suggest he needs to stay somewhere else for a week while you get your head together. Or you culd go and stay with a friend relative etc, if at all possible.

Well it did
but we have been together almost 20 years
he has never done any thing like this before
or since
I feel I can try and forgive him one fuck up

But not if he can't help me get over it and put his feelings to one side to help me.
Actually I don't even WANT him to have those feelings. It makes my blood boil that he thinks he shouldn't ahve to "report back" to me as he calls it.

oh and HE almost moved out once becasuse he couln't take it
not me (who had something to not be able to take!)

also he talks a good games
sometimes says yes he agrees and that he has to do that to help
but obv he doesn't mean it when a few weeks later I get the same old sob story about how tewwible it is for him to have to tell me what he is doing at work

I think the fact you've been together for 20 years kind of makes it more importrant. You're not their to be taken for granted, just because you've been together for ages. Could suggest RELATE or similar, something to jolt him out of his unreasonable behaviour.

we went to a counsellor at the beginning
while he was still maintaining that it was just a few texts

we have both had seperate counselling too

in between these episodes (ususally sparked by him not telling me something and me finding out) things are really quite good

It's this big sticking point between forgiving and forgetting, isn't it? My ex-DH had an affair - still maintains to this day there was no sex, and I still don't know if I believe him - but certainly much snogging and he was infatuated with her.

I did and could forgive him - our mariage was far from good at the time. What I couldn't do was forget about it. I stuck it out for a few more months and eventually I left - it had destroyed all trust, and I just couldn't move on from it, much as I believed he was contrite.

You have all my sympathy - it's bloody horrible. Lots of couples do manage to get through stuff like this, though, and say their relationship is the stronger for it.

Yes, lots of couples do get through it, but there has to be complete willingness on both sides.

ANd the party who has 'strayed' (in whatever capacity) must understand that the other one will have days or weeks - even months or years afterwards - when the whole thing comes up again and you have to be able / prepared to deal with that.

But, it can be as good as it was before. I'm not going to say the same, because I don't think it ever can be the same.