If your dh diid this how would you react/feel?

[youropinionwelcomed]

if he had a thing with a girl at work
texted her
flirteed wiht her
brought her to your house and snogged her on your sofa while you were upstairs
then lied about it for months and said nothing had happened (despite being caught in the loo on the phone to this woman while on holiday claimed that he had not snogged her, that it was only a silly thing, even lied about that and tried to pretend it was someone else he was on the phone to, then you found out nearly a year later that was not true)

Would you think this was an affair?
Would you kick him out?

what would you do?

(name changing regular btw)

"Would you think this was an affair?"
Yes

"Would you kick him out?"
Yes

"what would you do?"
See above

"would you feel it was disproportionate to want him to tell you when he sees the girl at work or has anything to do with her?"
Sadly, I don't think there would be any point in asking him to tell you as it's highly likely he wouldn't be honest with you.

"he thinks i am overreacting and being controlling."
That's crap and he knows it.

for you.

I'd whack him in the balls with a frying pan and THEN kick him out.

"being controlling"

rofl

god yes you are so unreasonable and controlling, asking him not to snog other women and have 'things' with girls from work

really

Sorry but flirting, snogging and lying about it doesnt sound like depression to me, the fact that he blanatly lied, and still carried on lying until he was found out would make me

I only found out about all the texts etc while we were on holiday when I told him I had registered online to see his phone bills

He didn't volunteer thiat info eiether
he lied as much as he could

Oddly I do believe that he has told the truth now as he is a crap liar.

It is a year now since I found out the truth

I think it is reasonable to know if he has contact with her

He doesn't

And he thinks my reaction (ie to be very upset and not to trust him still) is ott

I don't obv
He destroyed my life
I have been through hell
I am not going to get over that over night esp when he won't willingly reveal info to me when he knows it. It makes me not trust him even more

I'd "do a Bobbitt"

I'm with Jacobs on the penis amputation.

sorry have just realised my op is misleading

first he snogged her in our house(after flirting at work etc)
We went away the next day and he spent the whole holiday ignoring me and hiding and texting/calling her, even when I was asleep in bed he would get up and do it

Then I caught him in the loo on the pone to here
he said it was his sister but I threatened to phone her and he admitted it was this girl

He said that he had just called her to talk, then I looked at his phone and he had been texting her

He admitted to a few texts

When we got home I told hiim I didn't believe him and would look at his phone bills

Then he admitted more phone calls and texts

He swore and promised faithfully tha tthat was all. for months I didn't believe him. In the end I told him I would leave him there and then unless he told the truth. So he admitted to snogging her

that was a year ago

You think he is a crap liar???

He got away with an affair FFS - he was lying to you everytime he looked at you - he is nt a crap liar!

Door, Arse, Close Behind.

Well
I knew he was lying at the time
i never believed him

If dh did this he would be gone.

I could never trust him again and i would think that more happened.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him and I don't know where you could go from there - without any trust.

I don't really understand how people can forgive this sort of behaviour adn move on - I mean, I can understand why people want to and why they do (children etc) but how on earth can you live with someone when you can't believe a word they say?

I would have gone nuts to find out that had gone on tbh - and I would almost certainly think he's done more than had a quick snog.

I would demand he switched jobs to save the relationship.

I don't think it would be healthy for you to have to deal with the fact that he still sees her. In any capacity.

Yes he is trying to move jobs
It is hard

So how much of an affair has he admitted to?

I think it's ok to want to know how much of this woman he is seeing, and in what capacity.

If he says "Just good friends" he is sleeping with her.

But hang on - it was a year ago he was on the phone to her on holiday etc. Why has it come up again now?

Sorry if I've missed a bit in the middle.
I was called to the kitchen for an emergency Shreddielike incident.

No he has as little to dow ith her as possible

I do believe that

It has come up again becasue he hates having to tell me when he sees her and he delays doing it then I find out he has delayed and get pissed off

every so often this happens

I think I am not unreasonable to want him to tell me immediately when he has contact iwth her and to want honesty from him

No lapin
I don't trust him

I do trust hthat he isn't seeing herr (or anyone else)
But I don't trust him with my feelings
not to lie to me to make his own life easier

that is a killer i agree
I wonder if I can go on tbh

He is a great dh in most ways (ie otehr than this), brilliant father etc
aren't they all

And yes it was due to a lot of toehr things in a mid life crisis way (can't go into too many tdetals) and I accept that

I just don't want to be made to feel bad for wanting to know when he has contgact. And I don't want to be lied to

Midlife crisis sorts of things are buying a red sports car or taking up paragliding - cheating on your wife is cheating on your wife, no excuse other than being an unfaithful wanker - don't get me wrong but I think you are giving him a long rope to hang himself with.

been in v similar position...

my ex was flirting with/ texting a (much younger!) girl at work. When confronted flatly denied it.

I saw emails/facebook stuff when I went away to visit my dad for a month, suggesting he'd slept with her while I was away. He continued to flatly deny it....even started telling people I was psycho for suggesting it.

the flirting & texting continued (I was pregnant by then) with him swearing she was 'just a friend from work' & that I was ruining our relationship.

5 mnths later I finally found texts myself telling her he loved her not me, was finding it hard to stay away from her & he was only with me for our baby. I packed my stuff to leave. He also finally admitted he DID sleep with her while I was away (& god knows how often after!!!)

These kind of men are BAD NEWS sweetie. I forgave him (stupidly!!). I went back...he was an angel for about a month. Then started texting her etc again. We are now completely split & he's with her.....but yday told me he thinks he might want me back: and is now AGAIN denying that he ever slept with her EVEN AFTER HE ADMITTED IT.

I don't think cheaters every really change...follow your gut instinct on whether he's cheating or not: I bet you whatever you feel deep down is right

xx

I think you need to point out the bleedin' obvious to him.

there is a) how annoyed/upset/whatever you are when he has contact with her and b) how that multiplies by several thousand percent when he lies. Plus the complication of b) destroying all trust in him, the arse.

Ditch the phrase 'made to feel' - nobody is making you feel, your feelings are not under someone else's control. It is perfectly valid, reasonable and right that you should feel certain things, and madness that someone is trying to manipulate your feelings. If you feel under emotional pressure in any way, either you are guilty of something (you're not) or someone is piling on emotional blackmail. I think your sentence should read "HE wants me to feel bad..."

true

It is like he is saying
oh poor little me
i fucked up but i am good now so you have to believe me and trust me

err

I just worry I will never trust him again

FWIW I really genuinely think that he didn't shag her
i may be wrong of course and he may be a great liar and be duping me. This crosses my mind frequently

But I am prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt. Not, however if he is going to emotionally blackmail me and try and make be get over it all quickly just so he can feel better about himself

I mean does he think I would still bring it up if I was over it??? It's like he thinks I am doing it just to get at him

I think he is still under the misapprehension that in some way i should be over it because he didn't shag her

It would make sod all diff if he had

It is the emotional betrayal, the lies, the sneaking about, the cheating I can't get over

Not the fact that he snogged some silly little bint