DH's son (21) flipped out last night, smashed my house up and screamed in my face. might be back today... how do i handle it!? please help! I have no one to talk to about this!

[KarisTiasMum]

Dp's son (J) is not much younger than me, although mentally we are both on very different levels, and i see him as a lot younger, very immature. He is a recovered drug abuser, has a huge criminal record, and is now really coming out the other side of a very messed up period in his life. and dont get me wrong, we are so pleased about it!

I have been with Dp for 2 years now, and since i have known J he has gone from being a skinny, monged-out, criminal, to a healthy happy (ish) normal 21 year old, who has found new friends, takes a pride in himself, passed his driving test and recently started college and his first proper job.

I have bent over backwards to welcome him into mine and dd's home, when dp moved in. I bought him a caravan for our garden so he had his own space. He has lived here for over a year rent-free (although he eats a horse, leaves lights on, all the hot water, etc). He has been financially very expensive to keep but i have never complained and DP and i have always supported him.
Recently, dp has been nagging him a bit for laziness and general idleness.. leaving all his washing up, sitting on his arse online all day, leave crap everywhere, never inputting at all around the house, being noisy at night and waking dd, and general selfish behaviour.
so.... yesterday, dp moaned at him again, as we had been out all day, and came back to a messy house with J sat on the sofa, laptop in one hand, remote in the other, scoffing his face.
Dp went to the shop for some milk, J threw the remote at the wall, i shouted at him to stop it and he came in to the kitchen, pushed me back, smashed loads of plates, threw the washing rack accross the room, and started swiping everything off the sides. then screamed in my face that i am SLUT and he hates me and its all my fault.

I was under no obligation to support him at all, but i have.. because i was in a position to and he is DP's son, so i would do anything i could.
I cannot believe he has been so ungrateful after eveything he has had from us with absolutely nothing in return. And to call me such names was absolutely disgraceful.

DP asked him to leave when he got back from shop, he was verbally very abusive to us both.. then left.

No doubt he will be back at some point, and i cannot easily forgive him for what he has done. but i know DP will, as he will not do anything to risk J going back to drugs and crime.
Do i demand an apology, do i tell him he needs to move out? i have no idea how to act towards him when i see him.

i must add DD was at playschool while all this went on, but could of been here which i am equally furious about.

How awful for you, and thank God your DD wasn't there to witness this. A terrible situation for all of you. This poor boy needs help! Seems to me that any issues he had are still there, despite his efforts to get clean and get a job.

I'm sure he didn't mean he hated you, it's just that you were there. It seems as though you've brought some normality into his life and are a great example and help so I doubt he really does hate you. I was a very difficult teenager and found it hard to articulate my feelings. Took everything out on my mum. We always take things out on those closest to us. When I grew up a bit I realised what I'd done and have spent the rest of my life making up to her for it all!

Wish I could say more helpful things, but I'm no expert. Sure some of the wonderful people on here will have some wise words for you. Just didn't want your post to go unanswered, I feel so much sympathy for you!!

How awful. Hate to say it, but do you think he could be back on drugs?

Hmm like Hecate my first thought was he is back on drugs. I think you need to sit down with your DP BEFORE his son gets back and discuss how you are going to handle it together so you have a chance to express your feelings.

if it was my flesh and blood, i would call the police.

the police probably wouldnt prosecute anyway - but its that -'here is my line in the sand - not you or dp can take my pride and dignity away from me' POV that you need to express

Something's making him angry, so you will both need a plan for when you speak to him, as he will probably do it again. I don't reckon you will be able to speak rationally to him, judging by his behaviour last night. Unless he's had time to calm down and regret what he's done. But regrettably it does sound like drugs again... sending lots of hugs and keep us up to date, will be checking in to see how you are.

thank you! i really dont think he is back on drigs, firstly because he is almost always home, and secondly he is a completely different person now.

I have never seen him flip out like this before, his dad is like this sometimes, but i can handle him to a degree as he is my partner and i love him. I am finding increasing difficult to even like J because he is such hard work to have around.

It kind of irrelvant to this post, but a few years ago i broke my back in a car accident, and had my 3rd op this year and have been in a spinal brace for 9 months (been out of it now for 3 weeks) so as you can imagine, i have found it even harder to bite my tongue when he has made extra work for me just because he is lazy.
I am now almost fully recovered, and back to normal but he knows things are never physically that easy for me, yet just sits and watches me pick up after him.

so taking all this into consideration, by now he should be thankful to us, started to pay us back now he is earning and starting to socialise and make a proper life for himself. Instead his social life is online, and he thanks us with the way he behaved yesterday.

I really dont think he has any deep problems going back to his 'dark 'times' i honestly think he is just a freeloader who expects everything for free.
He knows how scared DP is of the idea of him going back to the way he was so knows he will never be kicked out, or without left to go without.
He is dragging out his 'recovery' until he decides HE is ready to pull his finger out and start making a bit of effort. until then he knows he will always have a roof over his head, nice meals every night and money on tap.

This is not the way i would do it if he was my son.

thankyou, if i am honest dp isnt the most approachable either but we get through that together. and i wrongly or rightly put up with it.

so my decision of my reaction towards J has to made on my own really. I know that may sound odd but DP is hard to explain. He does see that J was completely out of order yesterday but will no doubt welcome him back with open arms and not really speak to me about it first..

I am hoping that as this is so far, a one off, he might be a bit ashamed of himself. I think he stayed at his mums last night and she will have hopefully talked some sense into him as she knows what we have done for him and she has also. We told her how he behaved yesterday in case he turned up there in a rant so i am hoping she would have given him a good talking to.

I feel like i have no authority at all, because we are close in age and he doesnt respect me as his dads partner. Just someone of his own age i think, which i am defintely not! Yet i am expected to support him like a parent would when it suits him.

drugs not drigs

also, i did want to call the police yesterday but i cant bring myself to do it. ahe has only just finished his community service and probabtion and i know what a huge consequence it would have on him if he were to get in trouble again.
like i said, he is not normally like this, so very difficult to decide whether i should continue supprting him or just give him what i think he deserves.

i wouldnt have him back - i would tell dp so.

he is 21 ffs.

tell me about it, if he were 15 or 16 i would have a little bit more tolerance..
Dp would not kick him out permanently, he is too scared of him going backwards and i dont blame him because is was such a horrific time for all of us and up until yesterday, his recent achievments have been a hige relief.

He has us totally trapped and i am sure he knows it.

god i agree with you guys so much, its so hard because i just cannot action that! dp will never do it, and mentally he is still a teenager!

or he is being very manipulative and still playing the 'sympathy/i am doin so well now' card.. ..which he is... but shouldnt give him rights to act like this. and i am referring to everything, not just yesterday... his constant selfishness is driving us mad!

well your a martyr then.

you wont phone the police
you wont kick him out
you continue to pick up after him

am off - this kind of thread drives me nuts

I have just skimmed this thread but I have a 19 yr old dss and aggression is the line in the sand that I will just not stand for. Kick him out and if your dp thinks that this is even vaguely acceptable, kick him out to. You only duty is to look after you and your dc's.

i know. it sounds stupid, but i have such little control over this.
i would kick him out and call the police bu ti know i will end up being the bad guy if i do.
and as for picking up after him, i cannot live in a shit hole and if he does bother doing it, its a halfheated effort which ends up being more work for me in the end.
thanks for your comments though x

thank you carmenere... i need to find the strength to do that. a couple of years ago i would have instantly, im just not that big any more!

"his dad is like this sometimes, but i can handle him to a degree as he is my partner and i love him"

In other words, your DS has learned that domestic violence is a normal, acceptable way to behave and that you will put up with it.

So he'll carry on.

oh and btw if you carry on accepting his dad's behaviour "sometimes" your dd will learn that DV is normal as well.

i know, i do know... i just dont know what to do about this huge mess. i dont want this... yesterday was last straw maybe.. but i dont know what to do next

You do not have no control.
He does not have you trapped.

He is in your house. He needs to find his own place and you cannot keep on saying that you can't ask him to leave otherwise he will revert to drugs. So are you going to keep him there forever?

You need to regain control and ask him to leave. You do not need to kick him out, just explain that he is an adult and he needs to look after himself.

Unless you do that, you are choosing to live this way. He is not forcing you into this, you are making the situation for yourself the longer you continue.

yes, i am going to have to. tell him he can stay until he finds somewhere but he needs to start looking... good idea

I think "monged out" is an offensive term. Please avoid using it.

I am soooo going to get flamed for this.

I once watched a friend, to devastating effect, deal with her 19 year old son's wanton destruction of her TV (he kicked it in) by waltzing up to his room, removing items of comparable value and making a bonfire of them on the back lawn. I think she got the idea from reading Brick Lane. The son was horrifed, it hadn't occured to him that items don't magically appear, that people have to work and pay for them. It was a brutal demonstration of the effect his actions had on her (I was gobsmacked), but ultimately it was a short, sharp and very effective punishment.

He seems to think that it is OK to deal with his father's nagging by taking out his frustrations on you. This is simply not the behaviour of an adult. It is also not something you want your children witnessing nor is it a behaviour that you should allow to pass without comment.