DH's son (21) flipped out last night, smashed my house up and screamed in my face. might be back today... how do i handle it!? please help! I have no one to talk to about this!

[KarisTiasMum]

Dp's son (J) is not much younger than me, although mentally we are both on very different levels, and i see him as a lot younger, very immature. He is a recovered drug abuser, has a huge criminal record, and is now really coming out the other side of a very messed up period in his life. and dont get me wrong, we are so pleased about it!

I have been with Dp for 2 years now, and since i have known J he has gone from being a skinny, monged-out, criminal, to a healthy happy (ish) normal 21 year old, who has found new friends, takes a pride in himself, passed his driving test and recently started college and his first proper job.

I have bent over backwards to welcome him into mine and dd's home, when dp moved in. I bought him a caravan for our garden so he had his own space. He has lived here for over a year rent-free (although he eats a horse, leaves lights on, all the hot water, etc). He has been financially very expensive to keep but i have never complained and DP and i have always supported him.
Recently, dp has been nagging him a bit for laziness and general idleness.. leaving all his washing up, sitting on his arse online all day, leave crap everywhere, never inputting at all around the house, being noisy at night and waking dd, and general selfish behaviour.
so.... yesterday, dp moaned at him again, as we had been out all day, and came back to a messy house with J sat on the sofa, laptop in one hand, remote in the other, scoffing his face.
Dp went to the shop for some milk, J threw the remote at the wall, i shouted at him to stop it and he came in to the kitchen, pushed me back, smashed loads of plates, threw the washing rack accross the room, and started swiping everything off the sides. then screamed in my face that i am SLUT and he hates me and its all my fault.

I was under no obligation to support him at all, but i have.. because i was in a position to and he is DP's son, so i would do anything i could.
I cannot believe he has been so ungrateful after eveything he has had from us with absolutely nothing in return. And to call me such names was absolutely disgraceful.

DP asked him to leave when he got back from shop, he was verbally very abusive to us both.. then left.

No doubt he will be back at some point, and i cannot easily forgive him for what he has done. but i know DP will, as he will not do anything to risk J going back to drugs and crime.
Do i demand an apology, do i tell him he needs to move out? i have no idea how to act towards him when i see him.

you should have seen him, then you may have used the same term. I am sorry if that offended anyone but it best describes his absent state at the time

Also re the state of the house/washing up etc - again, line in sand. You are welcome to share xyz provided that you tidy up after yourself, wash your dishes etc, and if you share a family meal that someone else has cooked, you do your share of helping by washing up etc afterwards. If you don't do this, you are not welcome to share x, y z.

If you do x, the internet connection will not be availble for you - you can go and use it at college... etc

it sounds like a really hard time for you.

you need to take back control of this situation. he has been allowed to do his own thing for long enough now....

your home, your rules. lay them down, and tell him of the consequenses if the rules are not obeyed.... whether that be asking him to move out, disposal of things that are left lying around, stopping of buying his food etc...

i agree with little bella...domestic abuse be it from your partner or your stepson is not acceptable, and they both need to know this.

your ss is a grown up now...you will not push him back to using drugs..he will go back if he decides to do so...don't be held ransom to that...you can only be responsible for your own happiness and that of your little girl....

good luck.

thank you. and to be honest, i am not afraid of him going back to drugs for that reason, if he decides to do that , this time it will be a conscious decision of his and no amount of support from us will change that.
It not so easy to convince dp of this though, he nearly lost his son a few times, had the police knocking on the door everynight looking for him, his son was beated up on the door step etc. horrible times... but he is through that now and it only seems to be me who sees it, everyone else is babying him and although i am continueing to financially support him, i dont want to be any more and think he is big enough and ugly enough to sort himself out.
He earns £80 per week anis paid on friday and it is gone by sat... the rest of the weeks he sponges. And i am the only one who sees wrong in this.
My parents are very well off, but as soon as i was old enough to work i did, and i had to fend for myself and learn the value of money, and save up for things if i wanted to.

we are not that well off, but for some reason we are supprt this 21 year old and v.expensive baby.. and my voice is just not being heard. and if i do say anything, im wrong

well you know what? without the backing of your partner, you are fighting a loosing battle i'm afraid.

you can offer to help your ss to learn to budget, you can ask him to contibute to your food bill etc.. but you may well end up being walked all over....

i think that sadly, its as much to do with the lack of respect and backing from your partner as it is to do with your ss....

if anything is going to change, you and your blokey need to be a united front, and your ss needs to know this.

maybe you need to start discussing this very seriously with your partner before even trying to take on your ss...

i'm really sorry you're having to do this. x

thank you melly... i dont know if that will ever happen and i think maybe soon we all might have to call it a day. I love dp so so much, i truely think the world of him and as you can tell will do anything for him and ss... but things are really awful at the moment.. with both of them and i really dont know what to do next. I want dp forever, we have big plans together and when things are good they are great. but how do you give up on something you deep down will never work, but want it to work more than anything.... so keep on trying.
i am honest enough with myself, when i am sat on my own, to know i am fighting a loosing battle and need a way out.. but as soon as i see my dp i see hope and want to do anything i can to make things work. as soon as either of us leave or speak about leaving we cant do it, and suddenly bounce back to be great. but we know the next nesty bit is just round the corner. we split up for a week once, and ended back togther. the worst week of my life, i dont want to go through that again.

You are being silly. You need to get both of these so-called 'men' out of your life and your dd's life. What on earth do you think she is going to learn from this?

i feel for you..i really do, but you have to put your daughter first in all of this...

i'm not suggesting that you leave him, but purely that you do not put up with any shit from either your partner or your ss.

this cycle will continue with your daughter...she will see and learn that it is ok to be treated badly by men because you love them, and that is not the message i'm sure you want her to learn.

none of this is beyond repair...you need to be very assertive. work out what you want, what you are prepared to comprimise on with your partner, and what you are not.

he needs to agree that you are in charge in your home, and also needs to agree to listen to your point of view with regards to setting rules and boundaries for his grown up son to follow....

your partner needs to be told in no uncertain terms that you are unhappy and that if he chooses not to discuss these worries and take them on board then there will be serious concequenses for your relationship...

hopefully the fear of losing you will help him to see his priorities..

i wish you luck. x

You enabled him by letting your stepson live there for free and buying him his own caravan.
Why did you do either of these things for him?.

Enabling helps no-one least of all you. You have to stop this enabling behaviour; it just shields the enabled from the consequences of their actions.

If your partner cannot or will not do anything to help then you yourself are fighting a losing battle. Time to rethink priorities methinks; these are you and your daughter.

I think you're only hanging on currently out of a desire to want to fix this. But you can't fix this on your own (where is the effort to sort this from either your partner or stepson) and nor should you try to do so.
Your partner and you have to show a united front towards his son/your stepson otherwise you forget it.

You must act now otherwise you will be repeating this same old stuff in a year or even three years time.

Your daughter is learning some damaging lessons here and you certainly do not want to leave all this dysfunction as a legacy to her.

A "mong" is a really offensive term for someone who has downs syndrome, so no, I do not think I would use it however "absent" someone was appearing.

ok, bamboo, the Op got the message loud and clear. An apology has been made, so move along now if you have no more to add to this thread....

No I don't think she got the message at all. Never mind loud and clear. Her justification for using it showed that she clearly doesn't understand what it means. I'll move on from threads when I wish to.

then at least be helpful bamboo

she is pretty stressed out and not thinking straight

are we all always 100% politically correct when we are angry?

I got slated a couple of days ago for using the term "Nazi" in relation to the food police at my eating-disordered sons school. I apologised for the offence I caused, unintentional as it was.

It doesn't make it right and I agree "mong" is an offensive term, but so is continuing to slate someone when she has apologised.

If somebody clearly does not know that they are offensive and why, then I do think friendly correction is important. I was not slating her.

we are hijacking this thread bamboo

your 1st post was a terse correction and did not acknowledge any of the hurt she was describing in her post

your 2nd post was a repeat of the first after she had already apologised for her terminology

I would not describe that approach as "friendly"

I am bowing out now, this is about the OP's ordeal with her stepson

Kick the fucker out.
He is a bully and a wanker.
He doesn't even like you slightly.
He's shoved you, it'll be a punch next.

And I'm with bamboostalks.