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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am so sad

85 replies

Quadrophenia · 06/10/2008 19:00

really need to off load, have had a dreadful day. I worked this weekend a late shift on saturday and an early sunday, my dp went to work at six last night, life is very hectic. On coming home from work I had loads to do, housework, uniforms, homework, bath kids etc, I finally stopped doing stuff at half past nine. Got up this morning saw it was bright and text my sil who has just had ababy and asked her if she fancied going for a walk. TBH i felt I needed a break, dp was in bed from the night shift and I'd done loads of houseowrk on the sunday so it didn't need doing. Came back from walk and asked sil if she wanted to come and see my new conservatory (which someone had given us) and have lunch. I knew dp would be up but didn't think it would be a problem. Anyway he basically had a huge rant at me knowing she was there about how lazy i am and how i was supposed to be cleaning the windows of the conservatory that morning. When i told him i hadn't sat down until 9.30 the night before he called me a iar as I had posted ona forum at 9.10, which was actually 10.10. He buggered off to get some 'basics' which i incidently hadn't done (was going to do it later-no urgency) and sil despite being gobsmacked at what she had just witnessed offered to help me clean the conservatory. TBH I was all for not doing it, had a 'sod you' head on...but she said it wasn't worth the grief and would be happt to help. So inbetween him leaving and coming back, we both cleaned the windows and woodowkr, I cleaned out the pets, and swept the leaves in my garden. When he came back he started ranting again about how it hadn't been done properly and how shit the windows were which my sil had done.... even when I told him my sil had helped he carried on. understandably she left and I am mortfified, embaressed and very, very feckin angry. I picked the kids up from school and went to the aprk as I didn't want to see him before he went to work. I honestly feel sick, he rants at me loads but to do it in front of someone like that and blatantly disregard what she had done was such appalling behaviour...oh I just don't know what to say. My sil is fine with me (btw she is my brothers wife, not dp's sister) I rang her and apologised and she said its not my fault but understandably pissed of wwith my dp, more than that though she is upset for me.
I feel like its the straw that broke the camels back, we are bnoth working incredibly hard at the moment and with four children it really isn't easy. I try and achieve a balance between work, family and rest but dp never sits down and then moans about it constantly. I think I've had enough, life is draining enough without the added worry of putting up with him

OP posts:
CarGirl · 06/10/2008 22:32

Im not sure that owning a house is worth all of that Quad.

How many bedrooms do you have? Could you have the smallest one, give the dc the largest one and rent out the other one (if you have 3 bedrooms that is)

Quadrophenia · 06/10/2008 22:36

have thought about giving him until friday and then getting locks chnaged..he has absolutely no remorse at all, i expected an apology at least. I could easily bag up[ stuff but not in front of dc's am going to go into work and request some leave tomorrow, have two extra shifts back end of the week that I need to get rid of.
I have four bedrooms, one attic conversion so lodger is possible although not sure who would want to rent a room in a house of kids!

OP posts:
Quadrophenia · 06/10/2008 22:36

I really am not going to take this

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Saturn74 · 06/10/2008 22:36

oh quad, just seen thread.
so you are going through all this.
you don't deserve to be treated this way.

CarGirl · 06/10/2008 22:38

If the price is reasonable then i'm sure you can rent it out - is there an ensuite? could you use an au-pair and pre-school for childcare or are your dc too young?

Sadly it is not legal to lock out someone on the deeds!

solidgoldskullonastick · 06/10/2008 22:39

While I agree that you need to end this relationship I am not sure you can just lock him out of the house: is it in your name only? If he is on the mortgage he has a right to live there too (the only exception would be if he is physically violent to you or the DC). Get as much legal advice as possible: in the meantime when he starts nagging or insulting, just say 'I'm not listening to you until you can be civil' and walk away.

Quadrophenia · 06/10/2008 22:40

thanks Humph

children are all at school cargirl, between the ages of 5 and 8, so realistically I could change my job to a nine til five and make my life easier as currently i work shifts...thing is i love my job.

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expatinscotland · 06/10/2008 22:43

i'd try like hell to hang onto your house, Quad.

because i don't know about your council, but in this one you could be in a B&B with 4 kids a lllloooonnnggg time.

not to mention having to move your kids' schools.

again, you need some legal advice as to how to go about it because he's verbally abusive.

and ditto what solidgold said, don't rise to it, just, 'i'm not speaking to you when you can't be civil.'

he get violent AT ALL and you call the cops and get an injunction/restraining order on him.

then he can't come in the house for a bit.

CarGirl · 06/10/2008 22:44

Perhaps with an au-pair you could still do the shifts as presumably most of the time he/she would be working they would be in bed? Worth thinking about.

The alternative if he won't leave is either leave yourself, or like I said take the children and ask for emergency accommodation and accept that you will have to sell the house.

Quadrophenia · 06/10/2008 22:44

I would obviously make that sacrifice though. why can't he just accept that its best to go, please don' t think this is a knee jerk reaction to todays situation this has gone on for years, thing is right now there are absolutely no positives to out weigh the negatives.

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expatinscotland · 06/10/2008 22:45

can your family step in and provide some childcare during the shifts that aren't in times when childcare is open as standard?

Quadrophenia · 06/10/2008 22:47

I would have loads of offers of help...I just feel like running to be honest. I want the stability for my children of remaining here i just hope that in the cold light of day he sees that.
btw your advice is all very helpful I knew i needed MN tonight

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expatinscotland · 06/10/2008 22:49

you may feel like running, but believe me, if you go and speak to a housing officer, the alternative may be FAR worse.

speak to housing officer about being in abusive relationship.

you've got 4 kids, and in most councils housing for that size of a family is in short supply or even non-existent.

Quadrophenia · 06/10/2008 22:53

I know you are right, I want to stay here, the children need to stay here, they will be devestated if he leaves but at least they will be at home. i have the benefit of a caring family near by and lots of friends who will help, my best friend is my boss so i knwo she will help me as much as she can. I feel tired, drained, and frustrated, he has sent my sil a text to apologise but no apology to me justa mouth ful of abuse.

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Quadrophenia · 06/10/2008 22:53

I just wish i knew what i did to deserve this

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popcorn123 · 06/10/2008 23:06

You did nothing to deserve this. He is responsible for his own behaviour. That fact is so much clearer when reading about someone else life - when dealing with your own everything is much more muddy.

I moved out of my house 6 months ago for similar reasons. I am able (just ) to do this fiancially.
He is still living in our lovely large family home himself - is not making any effort to sell it or allow me to move back home so he can stay somewhere smaller.
It seemed like the best thing at the time and I felt i had control. I didn't have good enough evidence for a restraining order so I felt had no chance.
I do wish I had stood my ground and confronted him and got him to leave but i didn't have the emotional strength at the time.

I would definately try and see what you can do to get him to move out - even if it means involving solicitors.

TiltingAtWindmills · 07/10/2008 10:08

How are you today, Quadrophenia?

Quadrophenia · 07/10/2008 11:46

not very good, have had to put my beloved vw up for sale which is almost as bad as him going. I can't go into things at the moment as he is here

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TiltingAtWindmills · 07/10/2008 13:04
Sad
captainofthemummies · 07/10/2008 13:40

Quad - is it possible to move him into the attic room - make him and you more like flatmates?? So that when you work your opposite shifts you don't see him at all but he is there for the dc? It's cheaper to live in one house than 2, 6 can live as cheaply as 5 etc.

Would it be easier if you had separate lives?

fullmoonfiend · 07/10/2008 16:26

Quad, I have only just seen this and I am shocked and gutted for you.

(And I know how much putting the van up for sale must be hurting...I really do )

Best wishes, strength and courage to you m'dear. x

expatinscotland · 07/10/2008 16:27

i had to scrap my car.

i feel your pain, Quad

hope you get a good price for your car!

fullmoonfiend · 07/10/2008 16:30

expat, it's not just a car, it's a campervan. A VW.... It's part of the family.
But on the plus side, it will raise a decent aount of cahs.

expatinscotland · 07/10/2008 18:37

, fullmoon.

that is so hard.

lulumama · 07/10/2008 18:39

quad, get legal advice ASAP, CAB to start with and take it from there, don;t leave if you can possibly help it.
so sorry

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