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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am so sad

85 replies

Quadrophenia · 06/10/2008 19:00

really need to off load, have had a dreadful day. I worked this weekend a late shift on saturday and an early sunday, my dp went to work at six last night, life is very hectic. On coming home from work I had loads to do, housework, uniforms, homework, bath kids etc, I finally stopped doing stuff at half past nine. Got up this morning saw it was bright and text my sil who has just had ababy and asked her if she fancied going for a walk. TBH i felt I needed a break, dp was in bed from the night shift and I'd done loads of houseowrk on the sunday so it didn't need doing. Came back from walk and asked sil if she wanted to come and see my new conservatory (which someone had given us) and have lunch. I knew dp would be up but didn't think it would be a problem. Anyway he basically had a huge rant at me knowing she was there about how lazy i am and how i was supposed to be cleaning the windows of the conservatory that morning. When i told him i hadn't sat down until 9.30 the night before he called me a iar as I had posted ona forum at 9.10, which was actually 10.10. He buggered off to get some 'basics' which i incidently hadn't done (was going to do it later-no urgency) and sil despite being gobsmacked at what she had just witnessed offered to help me clean the conservatory. TBH I was all for not doing it, had a 'sod you' head on...but she said it wasn't worth the grief and would be happt to help. So inbetween him leaving and coming back, we both cleaned the windows and woodowkr, I cleaned out the pets, and swept the leaves in my garden. When he came back he started ranting again about how it hadn't been done properly and how shit the windows were which my sil had done.... even when I told him my sil had helped he carried on. understandably she left and I am mortfified, embaressed and very, very feckin angry. I picked the kids up from school and went to the aprk as I didn't want to see him before he went to work. I honestly feel sick, he rants at me loads but to do it in front of someone like that and blatantly disregard what she had done was such appalling behaviour...oh I just don't know what to say. My sil is fine with me (btw she is my brothers wife, not dp's sister) I rang her and apologised and she said its not my fault but understandably pissed of wwith my dp, more than that though she is upset for me.
I feel like its the straw that broke the camels back, we are bnoth working incredibly hard at the moment and with four children it really isn't easy. I try and achieve a balance between work, family and rest but dp never sits down and then moans about it constantly. I think I've had enough, life is draining enough without the added worry of putting up with him

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Quadrophenia · 06/10/2008 19:55

they are my thoughts exactly Carmenere in anut shell

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expatinscotland · 06/10/2008 19:55

he needs to move out. there is no excuse for this behaviour towards your partner.

are you on the mortgage?

Quadrophenia · 06/10/2008 19:57

yep am on the mortgage not sure how I can mange on my own though financially its the first thing I need to address, I really want to avoid moving the children if at all possible.

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expatinscotland · 06/10/2008 19:58

see the CAB or a solicitor if you can afford it first, to find out where you stand financially.

he sounds like he'll blow up if you approach the subject of splitting and won't be rational about it.

so best to get some professional advice first before bringing anything up with him.

Carmenere · 06/10/2008 19:59

Well you sound miserable and he sounds miserable too. You can't go on like this. If he is so unhappy with the domestic arrangements he won't miss them when he moves out. sorry for you

Quadrophenia · 06/10/2008 20:00

I think you are probably right will try and make a CAB appt. I do think he will go but will make it very difficult for me to carry on working as he has the children whilst i work

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expatinscotland · 06/10/2008 20:06

then start looking into childcare arrangements right now.

your council's website will provide you with a list of registered childminders.

a lone parent can claim child tax credit to cover about 80% of the cost of the childcare.

he will need to pay maintenance as well.

the custodial parent may also get all the child benefit and if you are earning around £15,000 or less (or are disabled or have a disabled child this figure could be greater) you can claim Working Tax Credit as well.

DaisyGee · 06/10/2008 20:12

Hi - am sorry to hear how tough this is for you. Have you considered 'Relate'? They can be fab. They help couples to resolve issues and come to a resolution (be that staying together or splitting up) as amicably as possible. If a split is the option they may help you do it well.

Quadrophenia · 06/10/2008 20:38

thanks expat that is very useful.

Daisygee my friend recently went to relate..it cost her a small fortune we just don't have the money and frankly I know he won't change, this has been going on for a long time, I need to move on, sad as it is.

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Quadrophenia · 06/10/2008 20:38

thansk though

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Cartoose · 06/10/2008 21:00

"he says i'm not a proper woman"

I'm so sorry Quadro, it makes me so to hear this!

Quadrophenia · 06/10/2008 21:07

thats okay..it makes me too.
I hjave lots of friends and am generally quite a well liked person, it has hurt me for a long time that other people like me and respect me yet the one person I want most to treat me with respect hates me so much. I have no doubt that he does hate me, am really not sure why though

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Grammaticus · 06/10/2008 21:19

Oh, you know, it sounds to me like life is hard with lots of odd shifts and four kids. Are you sure it's not the current situation making things worse? Yes his behaviour was appalling, but it sounds as though your circumstances are far from deal.

Are there any changes you could sit down and make together to take the stress off?

(I'd tell him i was pissed off and embarrassed too)

Quadrophenia · 06/10/2008 21:28

circs are definately far from ideal but with out mortgage going up 50% we have no choice. We have always lived pretty much on the breadline so the credit crunch has hit us very hard, its hard to drop a brand when you bought value stuff anyway!! Working odd shifts around eachother is the only way I can work without relying on childcare which we can't afford for four children. I wish we could do somethign about our circs but I honestly can't see an alternative. The thing is yes it is hard, but I don't try and make him unhappy or life harder for him I just want to get on with life. He constantly is the source of my unhappiness, I just can't cope with having to justify myself or argue, he puts me on edge and consequently I am short tempered with everyone..it just isn't on, we need to pull together and he just can't.

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CarGirl · 06/10/2008 21:40

Hmmm do you have a 25 year mortgage, could you ask to extend the terms or go interest only - you have youth on your side .

Have you approached an independent financial advisor to see what mortgage deals they can get you.

I assume you can't downsize at all?

Grammaticus · 06/10/2008 21:41

Are you getting tax credits? Have you seen an advisor about the mortgage? Is couple counselling a non-starter? Can you remember when you did love him?

Quadrophenia · 06/10/2008 22:16

lol we are alreday interest only and its still loads!! we have exhaisted the financial advisor route, dp is very bad with money has accumulated alot of debt from before i met him and after, we have not added to those debts in three years but it still has been another pressure. A downzize would involve a graden shed I'm afraid, i have four children and live in an ex council property.
I do get some tax credits, counselling is a non starter, I'm sorry but it is, I'm honestly really exhausted with it all, when i look back at the last ten years this has been a consistent pattern, why i am still here I just don't know.

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Quadrophenia · 06/10/2008 22:16

sorry for my typos have just been speaking to sil and am a bit teary

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CarGirl · 06/10/2008 22:21

Perhaps you would be better moving out into a B&B (eek the thought with 4 dc) and getting rehoused by the council and selling up?

Quadrophenia · 06/10/2008 22:27

dp has just told me on the phone that i'm a fucking twat for being upset, he's not going anywhere..I just want him to leave

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 06/10/2008 22:27

Could you move in with family?

Would you be able to afford the mortgage if he moved out?

davegahan · 06/10/2008 22:29

why on earth are you with him? I know its not ever easy to leave (especially when there are financial issues), but this is bullying. Awful stuff.

Quadrophenia · 06/10/2008 22:30

my mum and dad would struggle to cope with myself and the kids, they would do it...but they have lots of problems of their own (dad job unstable) and I just don't think I could do it to them. I'm not sure if i could afford the mortgage but I would give it a good try, atm if we have a tenner left he will spend it on wine, not having those pressures will help immensly.

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Quadrophenia · 06/10/2008 22:31

sorry, am struggling a bit...I expected him to be sheepish on the phone but he is being vile

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 06/10/2008 22:32

Can you bag his things up then and tell him he's got to go? Maybe get someone to be there with you whilst you do it for moral support and so he cant batter your confidence in the way he seems to have perfected?

Get locks changed if you are concerned?