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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

SIL lied to me.

58 replies

LOVEMYMUM · 05/10/2008 19:20

I had my little girl at the end of February by c-section due to failed induction as a result of borderline high blood pressure.
DH's sister (my SIL) said that she was unable to visit our new little family as her 30 year-old daughter would be jealous.
She did look after LO for a few hours one afternoon. I told a family friend and SIL rang me to tell me off about telling friend.

I spoke to her daughter who telephoned me this morning to tell me that her mother said that she used jealousy as an excuse as she did not want to look after any more people (she is the oldest of six children).

I understand that SIL wants her life to herself, but to lie involving an innocent person.... i find that borderline unforgivable.

I no longer trust SIL and i don't want her anywhere near me. She takes our daughter out of DH's arms cos she thinks DH needs a rest -what does it have to do with her?

Help - i can't break off contact cos she is my SIL but i find her a hypocrite. She paints herself as being a good person - not in my book she isn't!!!

OP posts:
lulumama · 05/10/2008 19:52

well, that is their issue. and does not necessarily make them the most Terrible People In the World !

if you feel you cannot look to your In laws for support, then look to friends or paid help suhch as baby sitters, nanny, etc...

Original poster
LOVEMYMUM · 05/10/2008 20:03

Liz and Lulu: I simply don't like hypocrisy but tolerating in-laws is something i have to learn to do (have only been married a year!).

I have organised other help - it would have been easier if they had told me months ago to do so. I ended up on anti-depressants due to wrongly diagnosed post-natal depression. I was distressed, not depressed, cos when i rang them for help, i was told no, but when DH asked them to look after DH for a week so i could go with him for a medical conference, they said yes. Am now on mood-stablisers which has ended up costing me £4,500 cos i had to be admitted to hospital as my mood was high AND low cos i didn't need anti-dep to begin with!

OP posts:
LIZS · 05/10/2008 20:13

If it bothers you that much you need dh onside to ask that they only make serious offers of help. Let him deal with them.

Original poster
LOVEMYMUM · 05/10/2008 20:48

Hi Liz.

I don't ask them anymore for help.

As my SIL who is married to DH's brother says: "We had to make our own life".

OP posts:
ilovemydog · 05/10/2008 23:00

I think that after a year, one starts to get to know your family beyond the superficial stuff. Some of it can be a shock, and it sounds as if you are finding things out that perhaps wasn't what you were expecting.

But it's part of the process of being part of an extended family and how people who aren't your own family relate to each other.

It sounds as if your sil wishes to spare your feelings. try not to look at individual acts, but perhaps the reason behind them...

Original poster
LOVEMYMUM · 05/10/2008 23:44

Ilovemydog: It's finding out that things aren't as they were originally presented to me and i feel lied to, deceived. You're right, i'm finding out how they all relate to each other and it's all a sham. BIL who presents an image of being an observant Jew uses the telephone on Shabbat (which isn't allowed). Once i see some behaviour as a facade, i begin to wonder what else is a front and not the truth.

OP posts:
beanieb · 05/10/2008 23:47

Just don't knock about wth her if she irritates you so much.

Original poster
LOVEMYMUM · 05/10/2008 23:50

Bean: I couldn't agree with you more!!! Am totally keeping my distance (not that i don't already!).

OP posts:
solidgoldskullonastick · 05/10/2008 23:52

SOrry but you are coming across as quite whiny and demanding, and maybe they tell you white lies to stop everything turning into a total melodrama.
Just as it is pointless, demoralising and a touch unethical to try to pressure someone into loving you, it's not a good use of time or energy to try to force more involvement/help/support/affection from family members (especially family who are only related to you by marriage) than they are prepared to give.

Quattrocento · 05/10/2008 23:55

I am not sure what this thread is about actually. Your SIL didn't want to look after any more people. She has 5 siblings, each with presumably a full complement of children, her own family, her parents, her friends, her work (maybe).

Much weight is put upon the oldest child of large traditional families. She wanted to take a load off. Her right.

And excuse me but trying to find a way out of this should not be criticised. We all tell white lies in these situations. When people ask us round for dinner, and I don't want to go, do you expect me to say "I don't want to have dinner with you"? Because that would be the literal but very hurtful truth. Or should I say "Oh sorry, we're away that weekend"?

You're being quite unfair here. If you don't like someone, that's fine, just one of those things. It's not good to obsess about it and get all knotted up. Just be friendly and keep things on a superficial level.

mabanana · 05/10/2008 23:58

Do you really think that using the phone makes someone a bad person?! Sheesh...sorry, but you sound like a really, really difficult and judgemental person. Blimey.

Original poster
LOVEMYMUM · 06/10/2008 00:05

I am NOT whining: My in-laws kept telling me that they wanted to help me.

I am keeping things on a superficial level in future.

I had PND and felt like c&^p and SIL poked her nose in and interfered between DH and myself.

I ought to explain that BIL presents himself as an observant Jew. An obs. Jew would not use the telephone on Shabbat as it is a day of rest.

I totally agree, it's her right not to look after other people. What is not her right is to involve another person and paint this person as jealous person in her lie.

OP posts:
Original poster
LOVEMYMUM · 06/10/2008 00:06

Didn't realise i was opening a can of worms with this thread!

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 06/10/2008 00:11

I'm sorry I was harsh. I have just read your other thread in which you say you have got PND.

In the friendliest possible way, I do want to reiterate that you are obsessing about this issue. They are in no way obligated to help. Let it go and just concentrate on yourself.

Good luck.

Original poster
LOVEMYMUM · 06/10/2008 00:20

Hi quattro.

It's ok - no offence taken.

Just to say - i don't need their constant cries of "i love you". I'm not asking for that.

Maybe i am obsessing. I'd like to discuss this with SIL but am not sure how to go about doing this, cos i really don't like lying, controlling people (I have been told many things about her by other SIL, and i assume they are true, based on my own experience).

OP posts:
ilovemydog · 06/10/2008 07:26

That's the problem with family and help - you are expected to be grateful.

My mil tells everyone that she helps out here, when in fact she has a cup of coffee, says hello to the kids and leaves after perhaps 2 hours as she cannot last much longer without a cigarette. But listening to others, one gets the impression that I couldn't cope without her. So, she has a small world and exaggerates.

The fact that bil is a hypocrite seems to upset you. Could you discuss this with your rabbi?

oeufflorentine · 06/10/2008 10:51

You really need to distance yourself emotionally from your sil; by all means go to family gatherings, be civil, eat together when necessary etc but you will be much happier if you try to stop minding so much what sil and the other ILs do/say, whther or not it is honest/hypocritical or anything else.

And as for the dinner party ! Well i think your dh should have postponed it or paid for caterers to cover it. not sil's job at all, nor yours only a month after a c section.

mabanana · 06/10/2008 12:22

You are obsessed with other people's morality and clearly consider yourself superior. Why? Why are you so hung up on whether other people meet you (extreme) criteria for honesty etc? I really think if you are bothered by someone using the telephone you need to stop thinking about it. It just seems totally crazy to me. You will drive yourself mad. Live and let live.

beanieb · 06/10/2008 13:42

never assume. Just because one 'nice' SIL is happy to bitch about the 'nasty' SIL doesn't mean she's a nice person or worth listening to.

Original poster
LOVEMYMUM · 06/10/2008 18:20

Beanie - unless i hear something with my own ears or see it with my own eyes, i don't believe anything when it comes to gossip.

Mabanana - i DO NOT consider myself superior. I am gradually seeing for myself with my own eyes that there is a gap between what some people are saying they are doing and what they are actually doing. I consider this to be deceitful. If it makes me judgemental, then so be it - as i do not like liars. Obviously, there are lies and there are lies, but this "little white lie" made an innocent woman appear unhinged!

OP posts:
TotalChaos · 06/10/2008 18:32

I am from a Jewish background. Are you/your in-laws from a very frum background - religious family members I know would not object to Saturday phone calls? I can appreciate it's very irritating when people who claim to be so observant seem to put rules (over food, prayer etc) above how they treat people. However, religious or not, people are imperfect. How many of us can claim never to have made a selfish excuse?

The main issue - as I understand it the in-laws despite promising help won't lift a finger for you, but will do odd favours for your DH? Accept it rather than eat yourself up in resent ment. I can understand that you are pissed off at being lied to. But you can't change them. And it is not that unusual for grandparents to claim to be doting when the reality is different.

Original poster
LOVEMYMUM · 07/10/2008 10:50

Hi total. The BIL in question will only buy kosher milk and bread.

I agree with everything you have said, but in fairness, my MIL is 78 and is not in the best of health.

I am making my own life now.

OP posts:
quinne · 07/10/2008 11:19

It was not a very credible little white lie true. But you do come across as having had rather high (unrealistic?) expectations of your new family and being perhaps a little too disappointed when they don't live up to them. Maybe your SIL just didn't want to dance attendance upon her brother's family but you knew you were expecting it?

Reading mumsnet I am often amazed by what people expect from their in-laws and even their own families. It is as if some people feel they are owed child care/ financial support etc (don't mean you here LOVEMYMUM). Other families - like mine - think that this is the person whom our sibling / children marry but we didn't marry them so we'll just get on with out new in-laws as best we can and pretty much expect them to look after themsleves. If we help its a bonus, not a right.
I can see that other people think differently and fair enough - who is to say what is right and what is wrong? But you can see where the clash arises after the wedding when expectations are not met. Maybe we should all date our boyfriends family too just to make sure we know what we are getting into (but then of course the boyfriends family should also get a say on whether they new girlfriend should be invited to join the family!!

Original poster
LOVEMYMUM · 07/10/2008 21:32

For the umpteemth time, i was not expecting help from my in-laws, they kept asking me to call them if i needed help, which i only did when i was desparate.

OP posts:
quinne · 08/10/2008 07:19

Sorry I misunderstood. This is why:-
QUOTE (SUNDAY 19:47)
I was in desperate need of emotional and physically help, which was not forthcoming from these people who had kept saying (and still say) we will help you. When i ask, nothing.
UNQUOTE

QUOTE (SUNDAY 20:03)
I have organised other help - it would have been easier if they had told me months ago to do so
UNQUOTE