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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need an advice-live away from dh for 3 years now!!!!

51 replies

ukrainianmum · 05/10/2008 10:07

Hello to everybody!!
I have a very difficault situation here. I ahve been with my dh for 9 years now.We have a beautiful dd 3,5yo.

The only problem-shortly after she was born (in UK) me and my dd moved back to my home country-Ukraine and dh stayed in London. we thought that we would spend a maximum of a year in Ukraine and then come back to London but three and a half years are gone and we are still here in Ukraine and dh is in London.The last time he saw dd she was onlu 2 months old.
We cannot go back coz we cnnot get a visa.Last year i went to London for six months but came back.
And I have to tell this that first 2 years that we were apart i could feel that dh loves me and dd and cares for us,that we are number one in his life.
And since this summer he totally changed. I eventually got through with the embassy with the visa and was about to get it but my dh decided that we need to stay in Ukraine for coulple of more years coz of the economic recession which is the most stupid reason i have ever heard. I tried to talk to him,to prove him wrong.Said that he cannot turn back the time that dd is growing and that he is missing a lot of things and all that. He was very stubborn and said that he doesn't want us now there. MAybe when economic situation wiil get better than we talk.

And I am so tired of being married ti a man but not to have one around. In russian language being married sounds like " to be behind the man" And iam not.I need to take all the decisisons in brining up dd do everuhting on my own.Of course I have my parents to help me but they are grandparents so they mainy spoil her.

I started studyinbg this year-business studies and as well have affairs.I need some sex for the health at least.

But what really worries me is that my family with dh is ruining and I cannot do anything about it at all.He is too far to influence him.I even think that he has met someone and that someone has huge impact on him

Don't know what to do-shall i ask him for a divorce or keep fighting with all dificulties that lifes sends me?

OP posts:
watsthestory · 05/10/2008 10:12

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Original poster
ukrainianmum · 05/10/2008 10:15

hope as well
maybe it is a my body got so happy to have an orgasm in such a long time that forgot about it duties?

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watsthestory · 05/10/2008 10:17

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UpSinceCrapOClock · 05/10/2008 10:21

Sounds complicated!

Would your dh moving to Ukraine be an option for you?

CantSleepWontSleep · 05/10/2008 10:22

So you went to London for 6 months and left your dd without either you or your dh?
And you have affairs.

Think I'd better leave this thread before I get too judgey.

lunavix · 05/10/2008 10:28

So, you came here, fell in love, married someone and had a baby. On what a holiday visa?

You then moved back when baby was 2 years old to obtain a visa -is this how it normally works? After marriage and babies? As is your baby not British?

Then when your dd was 2 you went and stayed with your husband for six months without her - another holiday visa? Why didn't you take her?

During this time you have also cheated on him, had unprotected sex, quite possibly having another child. And you think he has done similar.

And now you have a visa but he doesn't want you back.

Well I think your first decision is why did you come to the UK? Was it on holiday, work, to live? If you now have a visa, you need to decide where you want to live. If it is here in the UK, then just come. Make a home, then try and sort things out in person with your husband.

If you don't want to live in the UK, you have your 'studying and affairs' as you say, the ask for a divorce as you don't appear to have much of a relationship anyways, and move on.

lunavix · 05/10/2008 10:29

I've just noticed your first bit of your post. How were you here six years without a visa???

Original poster
ukrainianmum · 05/10/2008 10:29

moving him ti Ukraine would make things easier but he has been living in UK for 13 years now and I doubt he would find his place here.

Cantsllep-i undestand that you can be judjey but I am 29 and sometimes woman needs sex..I being a faithful wife for all this time but after dh said to shut up and wait for him as long as he thinks we need to wait even if 3 more years i just went for it.

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Original poster
ukrainianmum · 05/10/2008 10:34

I stayed in Uk for some time with a student visa, not holiday visa o you would call it visitors.
He is Ukrainian as well but we met in Uk and got married there as well-7 years ago.

After I couldn't expire my visa i got back home.
And embassy is nit very keen on giving visa to mother and baby together.

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littlelapin · 05/10/2008 10:40

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lunavix · 05/10/2008 10:44

but surely your baby doesn't need a visa?

Original poster
ukrainianmum · 05/10/2008 10:44

I am Aleksandra, but everybody calls me Sasha.
Nice to meet you all

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littlelapin · 05/10/2008 10:44

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Original poster
ukrainianmum · 05/10/2008 10:46

of course she does. But the British law baby's nationality is given after her mother. So she is a Ukrainian like me

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Original poster
ukrainianmum · 05/10/2008 10:47

Do you know me.Littlelapin,?

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Chandra · 05/10/2008 10:48

Baby will need visa even if he was born here. It is not that simple.

littlelapin · 05/10/2008 10:48

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UpSinceCrapOClock · 05/10/2008 10:48

I think you both need to decide your priorities. Is his place in the UK without you both or the Ukraine with you both? Do you still love him and want to be with him (which apparently would mean either waiting a few more years, or leaving your daughter to be with him, either one not being much of a choice imo)? Tbh, it doesn't sound much as if you are in love with him, and it doesn't sound like he is prioritising you and your dd (is how I understand it from what you have read).

Lunavix - I think babies do need separate visas. Slightly different but have a Russian friend studying here (in the EU) and she lost quite a bit of money because she bought flight tickets to Russia for Christmas for her and her dd, and her dd's visa to get back here didn't come in time and she didn't dare go (because she would have had to have left her dd with her parents as I understood it). Think they're pretty strict about it (and her dd's visa arrived the next day I think - pretty frustrating for her).

Original poster
ukrainianmum · 05/10/2008 10:51

Lyubov is first name(lyuba) but foreigners cannot pronouce that it is sounds really horrible so i use my second name.

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Original poster
ukrainianmum · 05/10/2008 10:55

My priorities before last May were -to come back to dh, we had talks on having a second child. And now i really don't know what to do.And dh i told you already ahd changed a lot. He was very loving and caring man and now he even can hardly find time to talk to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ukrainianmum · 05/10/2008 10:55

My priorities before last May were -to come back to dh, we had talks on having a second child. And now i really don't know what to do.And dh i told you already ahd changed a lot. He was very loving and caring man and now he even can hardly find time to talk to me.

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SuperSillyus · 05/10/2008 11:01

(hmm, she shouldn't have to say what her name is here.)

ukrainianmum- I think it sounds like you have been apart too long and have drifted apart. But the situation is ambiguous. I think it might be time you moved on and found someone who can be with you.

But you probably need some honest conversations with your husband. I know it is hard to communicate at a distance.

Original poster
ukrainianmum · 05/10/2008 11:04

Littlelapin- you have a really good memory I must say. I haven't being here for a long time.

What makes all this worse is that my dh exwife and first daughter live in UK now. They got divorce before I met him but I remember how he was suffering on losing his first daughter. ANd in May he called me and he sounded very excited about them living in UK now. How his older daughter had grown and turned into real beauty,she is 14 i think.
So it was a shock for me to listen to all of those news. I mean I really don't mind him seeing his first dd but saying in a happy voice that ex still loves me put me over the hill.

I asked him how does he know that and he told me that his sister told him this

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watsthestory · 05/10/2008 11:06

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Original poster
ukrainianmum · 05/10/2008 11:08

And some little more info.His mother and sister doesn't know about us. He didn't speak to them for like 8 years and got back in contact on Easter. And he still cannot find the right words to say that he is married again and has one more daughter.

I gav him a long time to sort all the things out but it seems like he chosed not to.
I am avery positive person and i always believe in good till the last but i feel like I cannot do it anymore.

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