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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need an advice-live away from dh for 3 years now!!!!

51 replies

ukrainianmum · 05/10/2008 10:07

Hello to everybody!!
I have a very difficault situation here. I ahve been with my dh for 9 years now.We have a beautiful dd 3,5yo.

The only problem-shortly after she was born (in UK) me and my dd moved back to my home country-Ukraine and dh stayed in London. we thought that we would spend a maximum of a year in Ukraine and then come back to London but three and a half years are gone and we are still here in Ukraine and dh is in London.The last time he saw dd she was onlu 2 months old.
We cannot go back coz we cnnot get a visa.Last year i went to London for six months but came back.
And I have to tell this that first 2 years that we were apart i could feel that dh loves me and dd and cares for us,that we are number one in his life.
And since this summer he totally changed. I eventually got through with the embassy with the visa and was about to get it but my dh decided that we need to stay in Ukraine for coulple of more years coz of the economic recession which is the most stupid reason i have ever heard. I tried to talk to him,to prove him wrong.Said that he cannot turn back the time that dd is growing and that he is missing a lot of things and all that. He was very stubborn and said that he doesn't want us now there. MAybe when economic situation wiil get better than we talk.

And I am so tired of being married ti a man but not to have one around. In russian language being married sounds like " to be behind the man" And iam not.I need to take all the decisisons in brining up dd do everuhting on my own.Of course I have my parents to help me but they are grandparents so they mainy spoil her.

I started studyinbg this year-business studies and as well have affairs.I need some sex for the health at least.

But what really worries me is that my family with dh is ruining and I cannot do anything about it at all.He is too far to influence him.I even think that he has met someone and that someone has huge impact on him

Don't know what to do-shall i ask him for a divorce or keep fighting with all dificulties that lifes sends me?

OP posts:
Original poster
ukrainianmum · 05/10/2008 11:14

wathestory-that is another complicted situation and I think it is a consequense when the head doesn't think. I will sort it out.i know the guy for 6 years now. he actually wanted me to live dh years ago but I didn't do it of the simpliest reason-love and faith that he is the one, I mean dh

OP posts:
SuperSillyus · 05/10/2008 11:18

It is sad, seems like the man you want doesn't want you and the man who wants you, you don't want. And meanwhile there is a child or children to think of.

Original poster
ukrainianmum · 05/10/2008 11:25

Super- i treid to have converstaion with dh, All he said is that he will never let me go coz he annot stand that other man will be caring for dd.
It is different with ukrainian man-they don't let go easily what is theirs for years.

OP posts:
SuperSillyus · 05/10/2008 11:32

Yes I understand. He is being a dog in the manger...he won't eat the straw but he won't let the horse have it!
So he is stringing you along. I think it is fair enough for you to give him an ultimatum...
Either he commits to you properly, shows you respect, tell family about you and brings you over with your dd OR he loses you but can always see his dd if he wants to.

SuperSillyus · 05/10/2008 11:33

But if you are pregnant that will change your veiwpoint.

Original poster
ukrainianmum · 05/10/2008 11:41

I really hope I am not pregnant coz how can you fall pregnant if you had sex just two days before periods. And I really don't want to think about that now.Tomorrow after I do a test

OP posts:
PortAndLemon · 05/10/2008 11:45

If either you OR your husband had indefinite leave to remain in the UK (or UK citizenship) when your DD was born then she will have British citizenship. The "British law baby's nationality is given after her mother" is just not true.

Original poster
ukrainianmum · 05/10/2008 11:49

neither of us. My student visa expired and he had a refugee status. It so true. Baby can obtain a British citizenship after a father but on the moment of birth he should have one.

OP posts:
Original poster
ukrainianmum · 05/10/2008 13:05

Well the issue here is not the visa...If i wait for the time till my dh has it all(lets say it this way) and decides to come back to us or bring us back -will we be a normal happy family?
I honestly will give up anything just to restore my family.But how long is really long-1-3 years or maybe even more?

OP posts:
Original poster
ukrainianmum · 05/10/2008 13:05

Well the issue here is not the visa...If i wait for the time till my dh has it all(lets say it this way) and decides to come back to us or bring us back -will we be a normal happy family?
I honestly will give up anything just to restore my family.But how long is really long-1-3 years or maybe even more?

OP posts:
PortAndLemon · 05/10/2008 13:13

If this is all true, then IMO your husband doesn't want you or your DD and probably has another woman on the go already. His behaviour doesn't make sense otherwise.

Original poster
ukrainianmum · 05/10/2008 13:21

even if he does have another woman on the go he would never admitt it. or not now.And I tend to think that he is seeing someone.And somehow I think that someone is his exwife. You know this gut feeling,sometimes it is right.

OP posts:
LIZS · 05/10/2008 13:26

tbh with such lack of will to reunite on either side I 'd don't see much future for you together irrespective of visas etc. The difficulties are of your(collectively) making. I don't see what is really stopping you making your dd known to her family, your h from visiting even occasionally. Who looked after her while you went to London ? I'm surprised you could legally stay there as long as 6 months, let alone not resolve this on that time. Move on , I suspect he has already ...

Original poster
ukrainianmum · 05/10/2008 13:33

My parents were looking after dd while I was away last year in London.When I was going back home we had a plan on how to come back to UK together with dd and then one thing led to another and that paln felt apart. Then we had a new plan. Dh was really eager to bring us back and be a family, I told you already he even started talks on having a second child,it was his wish not mine.And then suddenly he changed his opinion and changed himself.

and it is tearing my heart apart when dd asks when will we fly on the plane to see the daddy and now I have to make up stories.He does know about him,we have a pic of him on a night stand, and she often ask me to talk to call him so she can talk. But it is impossible to explain why we are not together. and she sees other kids playing with their dadas and it makes her so sad that she can't have that. We are very lucky to have the greatest grand dad but it is not the same

OP posts:
Original poster
ukrainianmum · 05/10/2008 13:36

God,sorry for my spelling. Sometimes i miss buttons. I hope you understand everything I am typing

OP posts:
UniversallyChallenged · 05/10/2008 17:37

Sounds like he is very in touch with his first wife

Portofino · 05/10/2008 17:47

Sounds very much to me like he has moved on. His actions are not those of a concerned and loving DH and father. (And it looks to me like the disinterest seems to coincide with the appearance of the ExW) I'd forget about him and make a new life for yourself and dd.

Original poster
ukrainianmum · 06/10/2008 13:46

Test results are negative.
So there is one thing less to worry about.

I tried to talk to dh last night and tried to give a soft form of ultimamtum and the response was awesome-"Are you out of your mind tonight?"

OP posts:
LIZS · 06/10/2008 17:23

that's probably just as well. Think you need more than a soft ultimatum if you are to resolve this situation , for your dd more so than yourselves.

SexyMilf · 06/10/2008 20:25

If you are married than your daughter has dual nationality - Ukranian and British

SexyMilf · 06/10/2008 20:28

This link clairifies the fact your dd has citizenship

www.ind.homeoffice.gov.uk/britishcitizenship/aboutcitizenship/

QuintessenceOfFrankenShadow · 06/10/2008 20:32

does your husband have valid visa and permission to stay in the UK?

Original poster
ukrainianmum · 07/10/2008 06:24

Sexy-dd can be british if on the moment of her birth dh would have a british citizenship.but he was asylum seeker byt that time and it doesn't counts,coz asylums are not settled,they are waiting for a dession.Later the year she was born he got a refusal and now apllied for appeal.It is a long proccess. So he cannot travel and dd is not british. And they wouldn't let us go to UK together coz then it falls under family reunion.And asylums are not allowed to ahve a family reunion,something like that.But thank you a lot for spending time and searching info for me

OP posts:
LIZS · 07/10/2008 08:36

So he has lived in UK as an asylum seeker for 13 years ? So he doesn't intend to return to live there whatever the job situation and yet won't support you trying to move to join him.

QuintessenceOfFrankenShadow · 07/10/2008 08:46

Go to Poland together. Most my Ukrainian extended family has done that, and lead happy lives with work, good housing, and family.

But tbh, your story is so incredible it beggers belief.