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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

my brother in law wants me to lie to his potential employers

31 replies

ilovemydog · 04/10/2008 08:39

My brother in law, who I only hear from when he wants something, regularly uses me as a personal reference. He never asks in advance, and usually I am happy enough to help out.

But he put my name down as a personal reference and said to tell his potential employers that he had known me for 15 years. I've only known DP, his brother for 10, so it's a lie.

Also, it seems that he has put me down as a professional reference as I got a letter asking to confirm dates of employment.

Obviously I don't want to lie, but if he doesn't get the job, I will be the 'bad guy.'

Help!

OP posts:

TheBlonde · 04/10/2008 09:01

I thought you couldn't use family as personal ref?

zippitippitoes · 04/10/2008 09:03

why hasnt he got actual employer references?

do you own a business

Freckle · 04/10/2008 09:06

Can't you just ignore the request and then, if he ever asks why you didn't provide a reference, tell him you never received any request.

Your problem is that, if you lie, you could be held guilty of fraud. I absolutely would not do it. What does your dp think about it?

Original poster

ilovemydog · 04/10/2008 09:07

We don't have the same surname. To be honest, he only uses me as he doesn't have any friends.

OP posts:

Original poster

ilovemydog · 04/10/2008 09:13

I absolutely will not lie! But I hate being put into this position. How am I supposed to confirm employment dates! I don't know why he gave them my name and address (and apparently mobile!)

And how do I get out of the situation? DP is not impressed, but doesn't want to get involved.

OP posts:

zippitippitoes · 04/10/2008 09:17

is it a printed form

you are presumably his second reference or even third as some companies seem to ask for three

it is hard to come up with references

i would speak to him and ask what hee put /a copy of his application and see what you think

you could be a personal reference

no company would expect someone to produce references of 15 years standing a couple of years ought to be enough

zippitippitoes · 04/10/2008 09:23

what i am saying is you have been a reference for him before as i understand it has he actually changed substabtially what he has put this time and why

Freckle · 04/10/2008 09:34

You could always send an honest reference, confirming your relationship and the fact that you have never employed him. If he doesn't get the job, how will he know that it is because of your reference? Even if he does find out, perhaps it will be the last time he ever puts your name as a referee, which has to be a good thing.

Have you provided references for him before? and were you honest then?

Original poster

ilovemydog · 04/10/2008 09:44

The last reference request asked if I had known him for 2 years out of the last 5. So, I could tick that box.

However, he did tell me that he had stated that he had known me for 15 years. Fortunately I wasn't asked to confirm this.

After this was sent off, the employers sent me yet another form asking to confirm employment dates in regards to his former company.

So, it would appear that he is using me as a professional reference now.

I cannot honestly confirm this and cannot believe that I am being asked to do so.

OP posts:

Cartoose · 04/10/2008 09:47

I'd let BIL know that you're going to be honest so that he's prepared, then I'd just go ahead and be honest. Not fair for him to try and put you in this position.

zippitippitoes · 04/10/2008 09:48

i would send it back then saying that as a personal referee you are not in a position to act as a referee with regard to his emplyment and they will have to get that confirmation from his emploers

possibly a clerical assistant has sent the form to you in error

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 04/10/2008 09:48

I wouldn't lie. I would refuse to do a reference.

scrappydappydoo · 04/10/2008 09:51

I agree with freckles - just be honest - give basic details asked for and leave it. Then sit down with BIL say that you feel uncomfortable with being a reference as your family and suggest he uses someone else in the future (in a nice friendly way)

zippitippitoes · 04/10/2008 09:52

i would help someone out with references in certsain circumstances

in fact i have and no one was hurt in the process only benefitted

Freckle · 04/10/2008 10:17

I think you just have to reply that you are not in a position to confirm employment dates and that they should approach his former employers for that information. It seems a very strange question for a personal referee and it doesn't seem that he is using you as a professional referee as they are asking about his former employers, not you as him employer.

LadyOfWaffle · 04/10/2008 10:20

DHs personal referees had to confirm employment details...

zippitippitoes · 04/10/2008 10:21

but thatdoesnt make sense

how would a personal referee have anyhidea of your employment dates

you could know someone well and not know them

for heavens sake i dont even know my own

LadyOfWaffle · 04/10/2008 10:24

I know what you mean, luckily Dhs personal referees were work friends so could confirm dates. He had work references also so don't really know why they ask personal referees these details... I guess just to double check?

mrsalansugar · 04/10/2008 10:26

Your bil has put you in a difficult position. If you knowlingly provide untrue information then you could be sued for this. Explain to your bil that you are not happy to provide this reference. Otherwise clarify the details for the potential employer eg that you are his sil, have known him for 10 years and in what capacity (ie whether you have ever employed him). If you are unable to provide information about his employment as you are not his employer then say so, whatever you do don't provide information that you wouldn't be able to provide for a court. If the employer wants an employers reference then he can ask your bil for the name of another individual. IMHO references from family are worth v little for the very reasons you've given.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 04/10/2008 17:24

If it is your BIL why hasn't he asked his brother?

GrapeJelly · 04/10/2008 18:21

DP is not impressed, but doesn't want to get involved.

DP has to get involved and tell BIL that he is out of order. It's his brother and if he won't intervene for your sake then he's acting as badly as his brother.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 04/10/2008 18:27

Your DP should get his act together and tell his brother to sort someone else out for references. You don't want to do it so tell him.

llareggub · 04/10/2008 18:31

Why are you so reluctant to do this? Is it because you don't approve of the lie or is it because you are faintly disapproving of him? I detect a certain frustration with your BIL.

I couldn't tell you how long I've known my SIL. Is it possible he just guessed?

Original poster

ilovemydog · 04/10/2008 19:02

The irony is that I am being asked to attest to his honesty as it's a profession where it's a vital requirement. The 10 years vice 15 years I can somewhat understand, although why he couldn't call me up and ask, I'm not sure. The etiquette, as you know, llareggub, is to ask someone in advance whether they are prepared to be a referee, and bil tends to be a bit liberal in giving out my mobile number/email which is just irritating.

But what I am not happy about is being asked to confirm his employment dates as it puts me in an impossible position.

Am going with it being a clerical error...

OP posts:

zippitippitoes · 04/10/2008 19:12

i think if you have been a referee before i can understand him not telling you every time

my two referess dont get told when i put them down now as it is too mebarrassing for them top know how many jobs i apply for and dont get

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