So worried about my DP, i don't know what to do

[lucyellensmum1]

Ive posted lots on here, usually self pitying twaddle, but im really so worried about my DP. I think he is on the verge of a breakdown and i dont know what to do.

We are under such pressure financially. Its all going wrong for DPs business and we have no money. Its just getting him down.

The thing is, he keeps losing his temper and shouting and throwing things, its really scary. Tonight he shouted at DD and banged the remote control down on the table so hard that i thought it smash. I thought he was going to lose his temper, he calmed down and gave DD a cuddle. Admitedly she was being REALLY difficult. Screaming blue murder because i dared to turn the sound down on the TV, we had music playing and she likes it loud - she was driving me nuts. Ive shouted at DD in the past (she is three, it happens) but DP doesn't do this, it is out of character. He is not a shouty person, in fact he is, or was, the most laid back person i know. Its just that we have been through so much. He is really battling with a job this week and he is ill too (so am i, bad cold).

I want to make it clear to him that i WILL leave if he loses his rag with DD again, but i don't want to push him over the edge. I LOVE him with all my heart and he is a GOOD KIND and GENTLE man, but he is at the end of his tether. He refuses to get medical help and to be honest, im scared.

Am i dramatising this? I suffer with depression and i do dramatise - i mean, we all lose our rag with our children. He didn't hit her, in fact she was too busy paddying to notice him shouting.

Should i talk to him about it, or let it go?

I want to help him. I feel like there is a light at the end of my tunnel and i can feel some strength right at the bottom of my tummy - i dont want to give up on what was, until the money trouble - a wonderful relationship.

Have you got a job yet?

You sound so kind, and supportive, but he does need help. He sounds like he's under a lot of pressure, and, sometimes, those closest to us aren't the best ones to help. But, as for making him get help if he doesn't think he needs it... well, I don't know. You need to tread the line between supporting him and letting him know that you won't tolerate him losing his rag with DD

I think threatening to leave him if he shouts at DD again is a bit much.
He gave her a cuddle and calmed down

No moondog, i haven't got a job yet - i have applied for a few jobs but not heard anything. Thanks for your concern .

This is the thing Mrs Ruffallo, i agree it is a bit much, and he did calm down - ive just tried to talk to him and he told me "not to push him" and looked angry. Now this is not the big man talk of a macho bully, this is because he really can't talk just now.

Sheila, im not kind or supportive, im selfish and demanding actually. But i have been depressed, im not saying that as an excuse as i can see that now andi am feeling stronger. I just don't want us to fall at the final hurdle as it were. I want to help him, i just don't know how - yes, me getting a job would help, but that isn't going to happen overnight. It isn't worth me getting a part time job to help, it has to be full time, so it either has to replace his wage to give him a break, or pay enough so i can get DECENT childcare.

Should HE get a job?
How is his new pricing and quoting structure going? Is he still giving laughably low quotes?

well go and sort out getting a proper job then

You are always going on about your dp/money worries and your dh needs help with the finances

If you are depressed then your dd would enjoy being at nursery and learning some independance

sorry to not be sympathetic but - GET A JOB!!

Majeika so you're implying that someone with depression would automatically be detrimental to their child? I'm sure her child would be happy and independant whether she was at nursery or not. Children do have fun and learn independance outside of nurseries

Telling her to just get a job won't really help will it, especially as she's already said she's applied for some.

sorry i didnt mean to imply that but LEM has been on here a long time with money worries and there was once a loooooong thread and everyone told her she really needed to get a job as her relationship was in strife etc

she refused to contemplate putting her dd in nursery but I think it would do her dd some good. Get her out of the house away from any 'difficult situation' at home and would enable LEM to find herself a job.

Personally I don't think nursery would be the answer, also the cost would negate some or all of any wages she earned, depending on how much the nursery cost etc. I wouldn't put my children in a nursery either, just from personal reasons. I'm a sahm to 3 children, 2 of which are now at school. Recently single so I have no choice in the matter anymore.

Resolving the difficulties would be the first step I think, making a step in that direction.

but she would get wtc and ctc

Doesn't that depend on hours worked and total income? So childcare costs would eat into that as well?

Do something short term on the job front - lots of businesses employing for christmas staff now, perhaps shop work, shops are now beginning to open late nights for Christmas, could you do this when DP is at home in the evenings or even restaurant work (knackering I know)! It would just ease the financial pain in the short term....and let's face it Christmas is looming, even more expense.

....with regards to his outburst, we all let rip sometimes and it sounds as though he is under a lot of pressure. Childrens tantrums and financial worries, I can understand him losing it a bit.

Thanks for the support especially this

"If you are depressed then your dd would enjoy being at nursery and learning some independance" yeah, a real mumsnet classic. Fucking hell, now i know why i deregistered.

So, what you are basically saying then is that my depression is making me a bad mother - how dare you . You know nothing about my parenting skills, the one thing that i have that i am extremely proud of actually. Maybe you should phone social services and report me for passing my depression on to my child.

I am sorry to any working mums out there but leaving my child at nursery from 7-7 is not something i could ever do. It just feels wrong in the pit of my stomach. More to the point, it is something that my DP is extremely uncomfortable with. I have never expressed this view before but I feel i have to defend my decision - you know, to be a full time parent to my child.

Things are very up and down with my partners business and it was starting to pick up, but now the work is drying up. So, now the plan is, one of us will get a job. It is very easy for him (in theory) to get work, he phones the agencies, he has work, that pays well. Its not quite the same for me, as i have said, i have applied for a few jobs now and not heard anything.

Quint, thanks for your message - he is actually getting much better with his pricing as he realises that this has caused us problems. Also, he has had some guys working for him who basically were taking the piss - we got shot of them.

Oliviasmum - thanks for your post. It honestly wouldn't be worth me taking on low paid job during the day. I have enquired and it would mean that we would lose pretty much all our tax credits and then with childcare it is not even a consideration. I have thought about some evening work though, DP is not keen but i will discuss it with him again i think so thanks for that.

I am honestly devestated by the comments that my depression has made me a bad mother, what a cruel thing to say. I totally refute that suggestion.

My DP is very stressed, DD was playing up something chronic last night and he shouted at her. Now i have thought about it, so what, she was being a demon and none of us feel well this week - i cannot expect him to be a saint.

He has apologised to me this morning and promised not to do this again. He has been drinking gallons of coffee lately (i need to go and have words with the kind lady he is working for this week, maybe pop some decaf round to her!) and he wonders if this is why he was so on edge - so today he has taken green tea to work with him - now theres a man willing to make sacrifices for his family - ewwwwwwwwwwwyuccck.

I don't think though, after the messages on here, i will ever post on mumsnet for support again as this morning i felt fine until i looked at this thread.

LEM, having read many of your posts before but never commented on them, I have to agree with many of the other posters on here that it is ALWAYS THE SAME STUFF. Money problems, blah blah blah. If you worked evenings in Tesco or something like that maybe you wouldn't have these money problems and maybe your relationship/your partner would be ok? And you say you've applied for work but come on, there are jobs out there (eg Tescos) that anyone can get, so i'm not buying it that you just can't find a job. People are always nice to you and, in fairness, you do seem like a nice person, but why don't you just listen to the advice, which is given in good faith, and get yourself a job instead of agreeing with people, then ignoring the advice, then posting 3 weeks later with the same problems. Take some responsibility and maybe things will get better?

You can take it in that tone if you want to LEM or you can take it in the spirit that it was meant.

Not for one moment did I question your parenting skills or say that you were detrimental to your daughter.

What I did say was that if you were depressed then it might help if your dd was in nursery during the week while you found yourself a job and sorted yourself out. Life is hard sometimes and when you are depressed then it affects the people around you too.

If you and DP are having problems then that could affect your dd too. She would have interaction at nursery and learn numbers and letters etc and she would have a great time.

That is all I was saying. I did say that I didnt mean to be unsympathetic but if your situation is still tough financially then you do need to get back to work.

Hope you are OK.

thank you kitsmummy - exactly.

I know the spirit in which is was meant mejeika. But really, how is that supposed to be helpful.

My DD does have interaction, i make sure of that, and i EVEN teach her letters and numbers, but i think she can wait for algebra until she starts school.

NO i am very much NOT OK, i now feel i have to sit here and justify myself to you. Shouldn't you be at work?

Yeah i rant on here every so often, so what, and i have received lots of positive comments and i do appreciate that i need to get a job, i DO know that. My DP and I have spoken AT LENGTH about our situation and he desperately wnts his business to work, which is why we are trying to ride the storm. Things have picked up for him, but we are in for a stressful few weeks and he wasn't coping well. I posted for strategies to try and help him - but all i got was told i am doing my DD a disservice by keeping her at home and am basically too lazy to get a job. Well thanks for your advice/opinion, you have made yourself very clear, so you wont need to tell me again will you

Oh and another thing, while i put my DD in nuersery and "sort myself out" and look for a job, who exactly, is going to pay for that?

I go to work in the afternoons and weekends while ds is at nursery. Thanks for asking.

Strategies to try and help your DP would be to go and earn some money so he doesnt have the stress and worry that he has atm trying to support his family.

You do not have to justify yourself to me at all.

I am sorry that things are not OK atm and I hope they get better for you.

If she is 3 or above Gordon pays

Well if dd is 3 then she would get 2.5hours per day free - paid for by the government.

2.5 hours a day should help with the job situation.

I think your other dd is older - would she help with babysitting your younger dd while you went to work?

Tesco/Argos/Sains all have good shift patterns for parents. Can DP be in at a certain time to enable you to go to work?

Phoenix Cards, Usbourne Books are all flexible jobs too.

Any good??

you can always work around your dp hours. You are both her parents and responsible for looking after her.

I work 2 nights a week, No child care costs involved. Same situation as many of my friends.

If you really want to work, you will.

Evening work? A part time morning job?

Dh and I were talking the other night about how awful it must be to be the only one earning in the family and how much responsibility that must heap upon that person. We both agreed that neither of us would want to be in that position.

I agree that if you really want to be supportive to your dh you should try and get a job. Could you do something in the evenings while dh is at home maybe?

DD starts nursery next week! The plan WAS that i would be doing admin for the business in those 2.5 hours as we had something in the pipeline. It fell through. I AM looking for work, i was looking for part time stuff but if things continue in this vein with the business then i will go full time and he can stay at home until sufficient childcare is found.

The problem with evenings is that DP often doesnt get home until really late if he is working in london so i couldnt rely on him to be home in time.

But all of this doesn't help me TODAY does it.

I just get the feeling that you think i am a really shit person, and right now i agree with you. I am sorry majeika, maybe you got in my line of fire because the truth hurts