anyone on right now to advise re in laws?

[mum2niamh]

told dh that if his parents are coming to visit tomorrow, i don't want snide comments about my wife/mother ability.

He went into a rant about how I'm the catty one, I never let anyone see dd (not true, they are coming up tomorrow aren't they?), and when I said i didn't want them coming up whenever they feel like it, he said they are family and my mum comes up whenever she feels like it (not as much and I tell her not to plus she doesn't come up at dd's bedtime and expect us to keep her awake)

I tried explaining how his mum makes me feel small and inadequate all the time and how they don't respect me but he just stormed out. I tried telling him to get his head out of his mother's arse but he just started on how I'm a nutcase etc. So I told him if he cares that much about his mum to f*cking go live with her but he has refused saying that I am the one who should go and I'd better be gone when he gets back (dd asleep upstairs!!!)

I don't know what to do. I've tried hard to bite my tongue and get on with my in laws. DH wants me to let him take dd up to theirs. No chance. I wouldn't trust them with a goldfish. He's such a mummy's boy and it's destroying our relationship.

Sorry for rambling, I don't know what to do now

what's bad about your inlaws?

from experience there's one thing you DON'T moan about or pass judgement on (to your other half at least without damn good reason) and that's your mother in law. I don't agree with half of hte stuff mine's done - and there's only been one instance I told XH about it - he thankfully saw sence and things improved.

but what's wrong? and how long are they stopping?

well, you have two issues

you don;t like your ILs and don;t want them to look after their grandchild

your husband takes their side

so you are telling each other you will leave, or the other has to leave?

you need to get a grip of things, you can;t give somoene an ultimatum over this

especially if you don;t mean it

sit down and talk properly about what is bothering you, if he loves and adores his parents, you criticising his mother and not letting them see their grandchild is not going to help

you are both responsible for your relationship, so sit down like grown ups and talk and more importantly, listen to each other

I don't understand why you won't let DH take DD to theirs, if you don't like them it sounds like the perfect solution - you might not trust them but surely you trust your husband to look after DD whilst she is at theirs.

If you can't bear her going to your ILs then I guess you are going to have to let them visit you and I suggest everytime his mum starts to say something you don't like just start singing in your head and don't listen.

They turn up whenever they feel like it, always at 7-8pm, once when I was sick, once during dinner etc.

MIL calls me manipulative, unsupportive, high maintenance and I can't cope with my dd

she wants dh to leave me

she likes to tell me what to do with dd and supports controlled crying and cry it out.

She called me a bad mother for not BFing (I have a very good reason not to, not that I should have to justify myself anyway).

Despite this, I bite my tongue and don't say what I want to say but it has been stopping me from sleeping, giving me pains in my chest, making me so stressed.

I can't talk to Dh like an adult, he gets all defensive and nasty to me and he's always on his parents side. he never sees my point of view.

I'm the adult in this relationship to be honest. But it's so hard to stay calm when I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. His mum always comes first. Our relationship is going to end, I simply can't win.

Rambling again, sorry

turning up when they feel like it is not on,. unless htey are the sort to muck in and help rather than sit there to be entertained and waiting on

sounds more like the issues with your DH are more pressing.

if you feel constantly in competition iwth his mum and that you won;t win, then it is a pointless excercise,

would he consider Relate

I allow them to visit for about 2 hours once a week, I allow mil to help bathe dd, i offer to make them tea etc and try my best to be nice and make them feel comfortable.

every time I have left dd with them, i have returned to find her SCREAMING

Oh and MIL once watched her for 8 hours and never gave her a bottle (she was 11 weeks). Apparently, dd didn't want it, but she certainly took a full 8oz in the car on the way home then slept for 3 hours like she hadn't had a nap the whole time either.

MIL will wake dd if she's sleeping, snatch her out my arms, take her into another room like I don't exist or something and say everything I do with dd is 'ridiculous'.

She will do the exact opposite of what I want - allowing her other GD to give my dd a piece (a big piece) of chicken to eat. My dd is 7 months old.

ok, well all of those things would be unacceptable to me

if your DH can;t or won;t back you up, that is a serious issue

No, DH doesn't believe in relate etc. He'd much rather give me the silent treatment (and I mean SILENCE) for 3 or 4 days until I am pretty much forced to apologise to him (and his parents) just to get them to talk to me.

It's making me ill, it really is. My own parents are fed up with it, they are fed up with trying to sort out our relationship for us.

DH says if we split, his mum wants him to go for full custody!!!

How about telling MIL that if she doesn't back off totally and give your and your dh space to work out your relationship that she will hardly ever see her gd as you will divorce and there is NO CHANCE whatsoever of him getting full custody.

your DH is still being ordered around by his mum. it is time to put that ultimatum into force. silent treatment for days is just not on, childish sulking and you are an adult.

I cant leave tonight as dd asleep upstairs plus my mum said she will only let me move in with her if its permanent as she doesnt want all the worry if i am just going to go back to him.

i am worried about the cusody thing and dd's safety around them if he even got some access.

dh is usually great, but his mum is number one...

is staying in the marriage really worth the stress?

perhaps you should remind your DH about the "forsaking all others" part of your marriage vows.

1. Tell him that his mum can not come tomorrow or again until you have sorted your relationship out. It is a time for privacy. tell him he can tell her the truth or any excuse he likes, but to save them both embarrassment, he must make sure she does not appear on your doorstep tomorrow because she will not be coming in.

1. Tell him that he can come home if he is willing to talk - no extended silences and try to sort out your marriage problems with you.

Unless he is willing to do this now, then the marriage is over, and the decision is easy about going to your Mum's for good for you (so he has got to believe that you mean it. If I were you, I might look at leaving DD with your Mum tomorrow because it does not sound like he will let you walk out the door with her. (Also this way, he will know you are serious).

our marriage would be great if it wasn't for his parents, especially his mother.

He's a great dad and can be a really great husband but when his mum wants something, it all changes and he puts her needs before ours and won't hear anything negative about her.

He's back now, silent treatment again I can't really post anymore, nor can I really argue with him tonight for dd's sake, she's sleeping but he's definitely sleeping on the couch tonight. why should i share a bed with someone who makes me feel so unloved right now?

I have asked my mum if she can come to offer me some support, she will give it to DH with both barrells, problem is, he will heed her advice and everything will be great for a few weeks (with in laws coming up once a week) then his mum will kick things off by moaning she's being neglected, guilt tripping etc and he'll give in, and next thing I know she's knocking on the door almost every night again.

I really need to go now. DD is not settling...

You really do have my sympathies mum2niamh. My xp's mother was a bit like this, constantly putting me down, telling me how I should be looking after my baby, she even accused me of 'neglecting' xp's son after she went up to his room and found about two items of washing in his linen basket (DD was about a week old at the time). The one time she baby sat, xp's son (aged 8) called me up after we'd been out for about two hours because DD was crying hysterically. I would make 'half-joking' remarks about her to xp, and on one or two ocassions he actually did have words with her, but it really is a losing battle unfortunately. Since we've split, his mother hasn't once picked up the phone. The only time she's spoken to me is when I went to pick DD up from a party and she was drunk. She came outside all smiles and apologised for not being in touch, promised she would call etc etc. I took it all with a pinch of salt. And of course, I've never heard from her. Apparently, she is 'happy' to only see her grandchild on the ocassions xp takes her over there when he has access. Now xp is xp, I have told him exactly what I think of his mother, of course. But I've come to realise that mothers like this will always hate their son's partners and there's bugger all you can do about it except try to rise above it. Xp's mother has said some truly awful things about xp's wife's mothering abilities to me in the past, and she's talking about a poor woman who never left hospital after having her son and died a few weeks later.

I don't know how you get a dh on side in this situation.

Mine just seemed to listen - I told him his mother either respects me (at least externally) or she doesn't see her grandkids - ever.

She fixed her attitude (which up to then had been me as 'neglectful' mum (as I had PND) and crying when he said he was never moving back to N. Ireland (he really doesn't want to !!) ) after he told her it was at least outward respect and meticulously doing what I want with the children.

Luckily she can't just land on the doorstep, as she lives too far away. But I will always be an evil witch, I reckon, in her eyes. Too bad : dh chose me!

mum2niamh - you and your husband sound very young if you are getting your mother's to fight your battles for you. Isn't your marriage between you and DH? If I were your DH I would tell your mother to mind her own business if she started to list his faults as a husband to him (ditto if your MIL does this to you)

agree with Quinne

it is not for your mother to put your DH straight, it is for you to do. if he won;t listen to you or respect you that goes to the core of your marriage.

sounds like you have half decided you want to end things anyway.

Mum

Well, I'm in something like this so I feel for you -but just try to sort it out.

My mil very needy and obsessed with my ds to the point her needs have dominated (to say the least) our lives since the birth. dh also mummy's boy to the point where he gives her licence to dominate and undermine me. She calls him when I'm not there and that night dh will say something that so obviously has come from her and he calls her for all the important decisions - they decide and then inform me.

BUT from what I've seen written - your dh needs to grow up and fast (that's the hard bit) but if they live near you I think 2 hours per week is perhaps not much. Fully understand your concerns about her not looking after your child, but this can be looked at again when your child is older. If you can lay down ground rules like them coming over with prior and mutual agreement - how your child is looked after - food etc and bedtimes respected, then perhaps you need to let them over a bit more and if they abide - find less reason to let them get to you - as you sound like me - obsessed by her. The fact that you are feeling unwell is not good but might be more to do with your dh response to this rather than her.

In relation to your mum - well I don't agree with the other posters- if it's really critical - then she could help - but diplomatically. My father has just got involved as it was pretty critical and he was very scared for me, but very diplomatically - of course - mil has been involved from day one - so it gave dh a bit of a wake up call to see that his wife also has a family who care for her -and who are now watching - but also wathcing for his and the granchild's welfare (too early to see if it will get better) but I must say that if your mil would like you to split then your mum's conditions also suggest the same and that's wrong. Don't let her get involved until you are sure that her motivation is about your family staying together and making a proper go of things.

Try and get things on an even footing for a few months and then try your very best to tackle the issue - possibly need lots of rules. He'll be defensive but you are the mother of this family, not mil.

I think you have to realise his parents are as important to him as yours are to you though. I think you have to try and treat inlaws the same as your parents re access to grandchildren etc or it is seen as favouritism. Imagine if your husband did most of the childcare and had his parents araound all the time, rarely letting yours visit.
I live some distance from my parents and inlaws so this has never been a big problem. If I lived near both of them I would try and give them both the same access, mind you I'm not sure I could cope with seeing parent/ inlaws more than once a week, so they'd probably be on a fortnightly visit each for my sanity.
You and your husband need to discuss this and come to a decision on how often they visit, or as others have said he can take the sprog to visit them if you don't want to see them.
If you turn this into a your family v his family thing your relationship is doomed. He loves his parents, you have to accept that, they love and want to see their grandkid.

I hate my MIL and will dance on her grave when the time comes. The things she has done to me make her certifiable (going to my place of work and telling them I was a drug addict prostitute etc etc)
I was supported by my dp and his brothers, which helped enormously...I still had to decide at the end of the day, whether I could stay with him and have a relationship with her....I decided I couldn't. I haven't seen her for almost 5 years and the only thing I regret is not doing it sooner and allowing her to have that hold over me and my child for the first few months of my child's life...always waiting to see if she'd turn up and start...(she arrived at 5pm when dd was 4 days old and berated me for napping (oooooh you like your sleep, don't you chuh!) and for not dusting the fucking clock.)etc etc.....
I know that if I'd allowed her to continue with that level of interference in my life I'd have ended up splitting from dp.
We are still very much together- he takes dd to see the old witch whenever he wants- which tbh isn't very often because he recognises she's a monster.....

The reason I tell you all this is because you have to have him on your side. His family now is you and your child with him. If he can't see that...then you have problems. Try to speak calmly with him, no ultimatums- she's his mother- it;s very difficult to give up that relationship and it's not for you to make him. (I know that if I'd said to dp, it's me or her, he would actually have chosen me- but then I'd have lost my lofty perch on the moral high ground and descended to her level of threats and manipulation)

Take care and good luck....xx

(don't think I've ever written such a long post on MN)

One thing seems to be clear from your posts and that is that something has to give. You cannot continue like this for very much longer without your relationship falling apart.

Agree with other posters that you and dh need to sort this out between yourselves - neither your mum or his should be getting involved in sorting out your relationship - you both need to act like adults and deal with your own problems.

Tbh your dh sounds very childish - silent treatment etc is not a mature way to handle issues - you say dh is usually great - great how? all I can see from your posts is that he doesn't listen to your point of view or treat you with any respect. Does he even realise that there is an issue here?

I have a slightly different relationship with my MIL or the 'witch-in-law' as I like to call her but the end result is the same- we ended up in a competition for my DH's loyalty. For the first 5 yrs or so our our relationship I couldn't believe he didn't 'choose' me over her my solution- to leave her, not him and move to Scotland. A bit extreme perhaps but now we never see her and her involvement with my DC is limited and ALWAYS on MY terms. I will not have her here poisoning the atmosphere in my home unless I decide that we (DH and I) are strong enough/ getting on well enough.

You sound like your temper is getting the better of you even though you think it isn't as you say you are keeping your mouth shut but then having to apologise. Maybe you need to speak to someone about how you manage her as she is obviously goading you into behaving in a way that is not helping your relationship with your DH.

Something else to think about- you sound like you are ready to walk away from this situation as you have had enough. The problem with that is you will never be 'rid' of her because of your DD. So is the problem really that you and your DH can't talk about this, or that he is not choosing you?

Also- you are the mother of this child therefore your child/ house your rules. She is NOT entitled to any opinions and you need to be more secure about your place in your own family. The next time she turns up without asking, tell her you were just going out and don't let her in. You have to enforce the fact that she is entitled to a relationship with her GD but is not entitled to dictate how and when that relationship occurs. Good luck- I have had SO many horrible arguments about my MIL that I really do feel for you here. Be strong.

You have my sympathy as I'm in a similar situation, and this time last year briefly walked out over it (with DD in tow).

DH has taken some of what was said at the time on board, but I do still end up backing down to keep the peace.

Surely if you explain to your DH the practical reasons for you objecting to them turning up (rather than the emotional ones) he might see your point? If he thinks it's actully your daughters physical well-being you are concerned about in the light of his mums child-rearing skills obviously not being up to date, then perhaps he will find that easier to understand/cope with than if he thinks it is just a case of the 2 women in his life hating each other.

I've had my MIL snatch my DD out of my arms as well - I think once someone has done that it is very hard to be reasonable about them. I try and avoid my MIL as much as possible and just be civilised when I do see her, and mix with the rest of my in-laws as much as poss. My parents say why not let DH take her to his family do's but I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of being able to play mummy, so I just tag along and make it as difficult as possible for her to get anywhere near, which doesn't usually cause a problem as she has several other family members to boss about!

Hope it all works out for you both anyway.