anyone on right now to advise re in laws?

[mum2niamh]

told dh that if his parents are coming to visit tomorrow, i don't want snide comments about my wife/mother ability.

He went into a rant about how I'm the catty one, I never let anyone see dd (not true, they are coming up tomorrow aren't they?), and when I said i didn't want them coming up whenever they feel like it, he said they are family and my mum comes up whenever she feels like it (not as much and I tell her not to plus she doesn't come up at dd's bedtime and expect us to keep her awake)

I tried explaining how his mum makes me feel small and inadequate all the time and how they don't respect me but he just stormed out. I tried telling him to get his head out of his mother's arse but he just started on how I'm a nutcase etc. So I told him if he cares that much about his mum to f*cking go live with her but he has refused saying that I am the one who should go and I'd better be gone when he gets back (dd asleep upstairs!!!)

I don't know what to do. I've tried hard to bite my tongue and get on with my in laws. DH wants me to let him take dd up to theirs. No chance. I wouldn't trust them with a goldfish. He's such a mummy's boy and it's destroying our relationship.

Sorry for rambling, I don't know what to do now

To my amazement, he had it out with his mum, explaining how I felt etc and she was sickly sweet so we'll see how it goes. I have disabilities by the way including speech problems that are worse when under pressure hence why my mother helps me in situations like this plus it's part of the reason why mil seems to think i cant cope but i can't say much more as he's sitting next to me

Mum2Niah,

It's so stressful this situation. I had the same. DH simply didn't understand that we were his family and his priority, not his bl**dy mother. I'll never understand mothers who put that kind of pressure on their grown up children and spouses.

You're going to have to stick by your guns and be quite forceful. Your MIL is a bully and she needs to know that you simply won't be bullied. If your DH won't stick up for you, then you're going to have to do it.

The next time your MIL makes a comment about your 'inadequate' parenting, turn around, look her in the eye and say, "I am doing quite well as the mother of my baby, thank you. When you have your next baby, you can do exactly what you please."

Or a simple, "If you have nothing nice to say, then please don't say anything,"

Don't let her come around every night. Why on earth would you want to see her every night. Don't let her in. Say you're busy, need some private time etc.

I know it's hard and takes guts to do it but if you want things to improve, be able to sleep better then take some control back and let her know you won't stand for her ridiculous behaviour.

DH is away out now, I'm happy that he finally finally stood up to his mother, but also still angry too if that makes sense, I keep thinking will he maintain this new found 'standing up for his wife' thing?

I will never be best friends with my MIL but if we could at least be civil, that would be good.

ps mollycherry you sound like me! I too walked out on DH for a few weeks a few months ago as I couldn't take it anymore and everyone tells me too that i should let DH go up himself and I think the same way as you about that!

you give her more power by getting upset about her opinions of your mothering skills... she blatantly knows nothing and is most likely an insecure woman, considering she feels it's necessary to control her adult son. She should be pitied.

try to find an inner strength and confidence in yourself. you are right to feel that she is trying to undermine you and manipulate her son but when you communicate with DH, keep it simple and don't expect him to understand completely.

'i will be leaving early if i feel insulted or undermined' is a fair statement and works better than 'she's making me feel awful! why don't you see what she's doing?'. you need to follow through if she oversteps the mark and discuss sensibly that action with your DH.

by trying to control his reaction to his mother you are risking being terribly let down if his response is lacking... it's up to him to tackle her if he sees fit but you certainly don't need to put yourself in a position where you're being verbally abused or put down by anyone.

try to be steely and firm. think of practical solutions (a regular weekly/fortnightly meeting on an agreed day of the week perhaps OR agree on no popping in after 4pm etcetc) to get a workable situation.

You wouldn't trust them with a goldfish. Well, you chose to marry the person that they gave birth to and raised, so that sounds completely contradictory.

Your situation sounds like an absolutely classic marriage/in-law situation.

Can't you get some therapy?

I mean couple therapy, not just you!

Don't really see how not trusting your own child with someone just because they raised your DH is contradictory in the least.

Especially when that someone has shown a penchant for undermining your parenting at every opportunity.

Sounds more and more like you're very hurt by your dh - I feel the same about mine and the trust has gone - almost like you feel he's playing along rather than really buying into it.

Ground rules, groundrules and blink's approach sounds good.

Mils are mils - try to relax about her rudeness - there are lots of rude mils out there - she won't change her character - I won't change mine. HOWEVER, you need to ensure that you don't feel your free time is being controlled by her - keep it fair but as I'm sure you're probably very busy insist visits are around your timetable.

Yes she raised my DH but didn't do a perfect job of it. He recalls his dad disappearing for weeks at a time, he grew up with the 'silent treatment' whenever he was a bad boy (days of not talking to their son), all his clothes came from charity shops (MIL is a teacher, FIL is an engineer so not poor, they also own a 3 bed detached house). He got bullied at school. He had to wear his grandfather's very old fashioned glasses and again got bullied for it. Living in a house that would shock aggie and kim. BIL became a dad at 16, did drugs and stuff but is the golden boy.

Yeah, great parents... DH himself says it wasn't a perfect upbringing.

meant to say although I get so p*ssed off with DH's attitude, it's really to do with the way he's been brought up. He didn't grow up learning an adult way of dealing with things and he always felt as though he wasn't good enough so I guess that's why he won't stand up to his parents, he wants their approval..

If his attitude is as a result of the way he was brought up then it's going to take a while to change it, and some people don't change.
You married the bloke you married, you do sound as though you want to change him and get annoyed with the way he is. It sounds as though his attitude is a problem, but I think getting angry because he behaves in a particular way when he always behaves that way isn't helpful. You really should have had these discussions before you got married and maybe not married him if you don't like his personality.
I would work on things you can control, like your response to his parents. Someone can only undermine you if you let them. Firmly saying "sorry but I disagree and if you're going to criticise me I shall leave/ you should leave" may help. It's great that your husband has confronted his parents, support him in this though, don't wait for him to get it wrong again. You also sound as though you need to become less dependant on your mother. Spending more time as a family unit away from all parents for a few weeks may help you both.

agree with 2rebecca completely. also some couples counselling might save your marriage...think seriously about it- it would give you a platform to talk and listen equally. don't wait until it's too late.

Your "Dressing your children in clothes from second hands shops" is neither here nor there. I dress mine in second hand clothes, and they are happy and healthy.

Him giving you the silent treatment is something that he needs to realise that he is doing and that is wrong, otherwise it is never going to change. I used to do that myself, and it can be done if he really wants to change it.

You however also need to realise that him changing after having been brought up by bullies teaching him these kind of values is by no means going to happen overnight. Trust me, as much as I want to change completely, I still sometimes slip back in the "old habits".

I was brought up with similar values, first the explosion and then a good half hour of being told exactly what a bad person you are for having done whatever you did, and then the silent treatment.

These are habits that he has been tought and shown for yeeeaars, and you can't just take them out of a person and put them in a box somewhere and burn it (otherwise I would have done it). The biggest job ahead of you is to show him that these habits are wrong and unacceptable if he wants this relationship to last.

Sorry am at work and keep getting interrupted, hope this all makes sense.