I caught my dh on gay web chat!

[needahelpinghand]

Bet that got your attention.

I walked in the other day, started rambling on about work kids, then all of a sudden notice my dh is looking and acting very oddly. He tells me to go and make a cuppa and then we can talk about whatever it was I was rabbiting about, but he wouldnt look at me, just staring out.

when I first walked in I noticed he minimised a page on the laptop, but thought it was probably girlie pics! How wrong could I have been.

I asked him what was wrong, he started to shake and cry, then to close the laptop, I put my hand in and said no, move, what are you doing, then I opened it up to see he was talking on a bichatroom.

strangely he was talking to women, says he only ever talks to women, I dont believe him, he was chatting to one telling her that he thinks he is bi curious, and this is what he had seen and this is what he wanted to do!! He says he gets off on the thought of a woman watching him with a man!!! The next thing he said was, I offend you, she said no do you wanna talk. Pretty tame, huh!

The next text box had him offering money for mens phone numbers...I am mortified.

It has been weeks now and he insists he is not gay or bicurious, he says it was fantasy and nothing more, says its not cheating just inappropriate behaviour. Says its because I dont give him enough, or talk dirty to him enough, which I can tell you is absolute rubbish.

So now I am stuck here, with a family to try and keep together with a man who swears it was all talk and nothing else, says been doing it for about 4 weeks, I found him on it at about 9.30 am so not bordem as he tried to say at first more like routine, oaddiction.

So am I right to think, this isnt normal behaviour of a straight man, am I risking my future by staying with a man who is in denial, if he is bi or gay?

Somebody must have experience of this with past relationships or friends or something I need advice cant ask friends would be a laughing stock. Any advice gratefully recieved.

Honestly?

I think he's gay. Or bisexual. And rare is the bi man who will end up with a woman.

Sorry.

Don't really know what to say. Feeling a bit sad & angry for you. Sad because your husband has obviously put you in a difficult position, and angry that he thinks it's ok to lie to you about his activities and feelings.
Hope someone else can give you more constructive advice.

my Uncle hid his cross dressing for years

till my aunt came home erly one night and foudn him in full drag even wiht nails.

she said it was the nails that did it for her

i dont know.but you need to talk more.maybe counselling?

'that did it for her' in a good way or a bad way?

bad way
when he was diagnosed wiht terminal cancer she made him drag himslef to hsi hidey hole under the floor boards nad dispose of it.
no tears at funeral.

theres more to it
will email

Thank you for listening, good to know somebody is out there. Rather funnily he keeps saying "Im not Gay" "There is nothing wrong with me" And today has been "I wont let you label me, make me something Im not"

I am beginning to think that those few words speak more than all the chatroom blurb he has been doing!

I'm sorry for you and I am also sorry for your DH: being bisexual or indeed gay is not something a person can bury, no matter how homophobic and stupid their upbringing has been. The sad result of homophobia is that people who are not heterosexual try to force themselves into heterosexuality and end up spoilling other people's lives as well.

You need to have a long talk with him about what he wants his future to be - and what you feel you could live with. SOme people do find that having a bisexual partner is more acceptable than having a same-orientation partner who cheats (ie if you are female and your male partner has sex with men it's not as bad as if he has sex with other women).

lordy.

OP - to cross with the 'favourite lines from Friends' thread, there was the one where Phoebe is singing to children with Chris Isaac, and she's singing about men who like men and woman who like women, then she sings

"And then there are bisexuals
But some say they're just kidding themselves"

Listen to Phoebs.
tbh I think he's gay.

Again, sorry.

no couldnt live with himif he was with any one else, men or women. i am beginning to loose the anger and feel terrible for him, he must be scared, but he wont talk, just says the same mantra over and over, Im not gay!

Im sad because I love him, he was my life, now I think he will probably bury this and hurt himself or lie and ruin my life, like you said soildgold.

His family would be appaulled, but they would get over it in time, our children would be ok, I would see to that, the only person who couldnt accept it would be him I think.

Never a truer word sung about 20 seconds in.

"I'm not gay, there's nothing wrong with me"
These are 2 separate thing.s.
He wants to be 'normal' - wife, kids etc.

KM is right - this isn't a phase.

Oh dear.

I am sat here with my head in my hands, I feel like I have been hit by a train.

My husband is gay, how do i do this now, I feel like he's dead.

He will never admit who he is, he will never do that, I cant tell anyone, if I do, I am hurting him.

Oh My God I have lost my life my future is completly gone, my dc home family, why couldnt he just be honest, he has messed up my life I am so angry at him.

There are two important issues here, one is the issue of his sexual orientation, and the other is the fact that he is messing about behind your back.

I am so sorry, no wonder you feel so shocked.

I am very sorry to hear about this and can only imagine what you are going through. IDEALLY he needs support "as a friend" to sort out his head etc. but I can only imagine that you are suffering as much as he is and so you are not in a position to play the supportive friend. Best for you to give him some space to sort out his head? But you will need support as well?

Advice from watching a friend of mine divorce IF IT COMES TO THAT: you should both try to sort things out peacefully so as to keep the legal bill tolerable.

But that's jumping the gun you both need some support. God bless.

This happened to me too, I do know how you feel. In my case my ex (we were married for 18 years) was actually sleeping around with other men behind my back, even picking them up in public toilets and telling me he was working late.

I remember that feeling that my life was in tatters, and I was left with 4 dcs to pick up the pieces for them and for myself. Some people used to laugh in my face, but he got all the understanding in the world. So don't waste your energy worrying about the consequences for your dh.

One thing I can tell you, my life didn't end then. I met my (now) dh two years later and we have a lovely ds and anoher one on the way. My dds are all grown up now, three have graduated from university in the last two years, and the youngest has just started studying for her degree this month. Hell, I even went to uni after I split from my ex and got a degree of my own, and I can tell you I'm damn proud of myself for that, and for the great job I did of supporting my girls through a very hard time. I promise yo if I could do it, you can too - I was such a wet blanket, nobody who knows me would have thought I'd come through the other side like this.

It doesn't necessarily have to mean the end of your marriage if you don't want it to be, and there is support out there for you. I found an organisation called Str8s on Yahoo, for partners of gay and bi spouses. I'm not in touch with them any more, but you could google them to see the great support they can offer you - try tying in straight spouse network. If you want to email me for any more info, feel free to contact me on [email protected]. Make sure you put a heading on the email though, because I've been bombarded with spam recently!

I really feel for you and wish you all the very best in dealing with this. Good luck.

Please remember that even if he is gay he probably still loves you and family. Possible that he still fancies you. Life, Love and sex are all very complex/multi-dimensional notions. So perhaps it may help him (and you) if you both acknowledge each other's love etc. SO it is still okay to tell him that you love him?

omg, you poor thing - this is one thing i just couldn't deal with - i would be really concerned about health risks to me. Do you think he's actually acted on any of his urges?

Agreed but I think that OP shld not torture herself by racing away with too much speculation. Best to work through this in a way that does least damage to her and her family? This will be hard so fighting and accusations is not what is needed but instead calm, love and support?

I agree with the people who say you should seek out support from organisations aimed at people whose partners are gay or bi: though it might be tempting to surround yourself with people who will condemn him for being disgusting, that's not a good idea in the long run (homophobia and bigotry perpetuate these miserable situations). You both need support from other people to help you both support each other while you work out what to do. Sending you both sympathy.

Could you live with it if he discreetly saw men and you never knew? Lots of women choose to turn a blind eye to this sort of thing. It's not ideal, obviously, but it's an option.

I guess you have to make a decision as to what you want to happen now. You could send him away and tell him to try it and find out what he wants to do, but make sure you are also clear on what you want.

Lots of men think about other men and some try sex with men, then go on to have faithful relationships with women. Some might say they were just trying every option.

I'm sorry you are going through this though, it's truly horrible to be faced with this sort of surprise when you've been with someone a while.

Do you know any married woman who fantasised about other women or was just that little bit curious?

Before I married I played cruel joke on DP and told her that I had a bi-past. Left her thinking that for a few months - she wanted to stay together altho' she was understandably surprised/unsettled by it. I am not suggesting that you SHOULD stay with your husband but work through what you want and how you feel. Even if you break up it sounds as though it is possible that your love for each other could survive.

It was a silly joke to play esp I am only in the opposite sex