I caught my dh on gay web chat!

[needahelpinghand]

Bet that got your attention.

I walked in the other day, started rambling on about work kids, then all of a sudden notice my dh is looking and acting very oddly. He tells me to go and make a cuppa and then we can talk about whatever it was I was rabbiting about, but he wouldnt look at me, just staring out.

when I first walked in I noticed he minimised a page on the laptop, but thought it was probably girlie pics! How wrong could I have been.

I asked him what was wrong, he started to shake and cry, then to close the laptop, I put my hand in and said no, move, what are you doing, then I opened it up to see he was talking on a bichatroom.

strangely he was talking to women, says he only ever talks to women, I dont believe him, he was chatting to one telling her that he thinks he is bi curious, and this is what he had seen and this is what he wanted to do!! He says he gets off on the thought of a woman watching him with a man!!! The next thing he said was, I offend you, she said no do you wanna talk. Pretty tame, huh!

The next text box had him offering money for mens phone numbers...I am mortified.

It has been weeks now and he insists he is not gay or bicurious, he says it was fantasy and nothing more, says its not cheating just inappropriate behaviour. Says its because I dont give him enough, or talk dirty to him enough, which I can tell you is absolute rubbish.

So now I am stuck here, with a family to try and keep together with a man who swears it was all talk and nothing else, says been doing it for about 4 weeks, I found him on it at about 9.30 am so not bordem as he tried to say at first more like routine, oaddiction.

So am I right to think, this isnt normal behaviour of a straight man, am I risking my future by staying with a man who is in denial, if he is bi or gay?

Somebody must have experience of this with past relationships or friends or something I need advice cant ask friends would be a laughing stock. Any advice gratefully recieved.

There is no way I could live with a man who was not faithful, its not about sex really its about deciet. I want a solid intimate relationship with no surprises, not this.

I love my husband so much, it hurts to think of him feeling so lost and alone with this secret inside him. I have told him I love him, I will always love him, I have asked him to speak to me to open up to me, he just weeps and says he was stupid and childish.

I fear that he will be alone with this secret and not let it out, its only by chance that I know.

I have no intention of telling anyone about this, I will contact the groups suggested, take some advice from those who have been there before. I will keep his secret as long as he needs me to. I will help him and love him, but i will not stay with a man who is not honest, this is to big to deny.

Thank you for your help and kind words, they really have helped me.

It sounds like you really love him and want this to work out. It can providing you both keep talking and being honest. He may need more than you can provide and if you can accept that then your future is not as bad as it might feel like at the mo.

NeedHelHnd- you sound like a very sensible, compassionate person. I hope you come through this as well as you can.

Needahelpinghand TBH it sounds to me like he wanted to get caught. Surely he would have plenty of opportunities to do this without being found IYSWIM? It may be that he is relieved that you know. Most likely you are his best friend as well as his wife, and it sounds to me like he is scared ATM - scared to talk, scared of his attraction to men and ultimately scared of losing you. It's also likely that he feels ashamed too as if he does have bi or gay tendencies he has obviusly tried to ignore them for a long time.

Please remember that the posts don't mean that he has acted on it (yet). I would imagine that's why he is going on the defensive about stuff and trying to say that it's down to difficulties with your sex life. He sounds very lost and I don't think he has worked out how he feels for himself yet.

I'm not saying his behaviour is acceptable, but I think that a frank and honest discussion about where he thought it was going and whether he was actually thinking of hooking up with a man is in order. It's one thing to have a fantasy, but i wonder how he would react if you were talking to other men on-line or asking for their numbers?

If you don't talk, you may find that he goes 'underground' and hides it all away which of course would be devastating for you and could also have health implications if he did sleep with another person. I think you also need to make it 100% clear to him what the implications are of him continuing down this route and only you can decide what the implications are.

If it does turn out that he is bi or gay and you do separate remember that you haven't 'turned' him gay.

It doesnt need to be doom and gloom.

It is possible to be bisexual and married to a person of the opposite sex.

Dont think about it too much in terms of sexuality, and branding somebody this or that.

There are two issues here. One is sexuality, and the other is sexual fantasies.

To start with the latter, a sexual fantasy is very often just that. I am female. I often fantasize about women when I am having a little me time. I am married to a man. It is perfectly possible to keep the fantasizes as just a part of your own private sphere. This should, and does not need to change anything in your life. I would be mortified if my dh would want to divorce me for having fantasies about women. It is very private, it is part of me, but does under no circumstances threaten my relationship with my dh.

As for sexuality.
He fell in love with YOU. You are a woman. It doesnt matter whether you are male or female, as love transcends this. I doubt he just realized NOW that he might be gay. He most likely knew this all along, and if he didnt, he is quite possibly merely curious.

But, you need to talk to him about this. You need to find out which one it is. If this is merely a fantasy that you chanced upon that means little in the grand scheme of things, or if he really desired to have sex with a man to "find out".

I think he needs to go to a support group to work out if he's gay or not-then when he's got it straight in his own head you can both have a discussion from there. Could have been curiosity though. The Internet rabbit hole can take you to some strange places......

2008 thread!!!!!!

I think you need to read the date on the thread. 2008.

I hope the stupid posters reviving this 14 year old thread haven't dragged up painful memories and upset for the OP.

Don't leap to confusions. He very well COULD be bicurious! It's totally reasonable and normal for him to be bicurious, just exploring, and nothing else. It absolutely does NOT mean he's gay and you definitely should NOT be accusing him of being gay if he says he isn't and this isn't how he feels or identifies. That isn't fair.

You CAN be angry with him for betraying your trust and going on chat rooms. Of course! But come on. It's 2022. People are more open to exploring their sexuality. It doesn't mean that all bicurious people are gay!

CONCLUSIONS! Not confusions. Sorry, typo

(Want to emphasise that I too would be FURIOUS! But it would be the betrayal that upset me - having these feelings and not telling me, going on a chat room, and asking for men's numbers. Not the feelings themselves, and I wouldn't assume he was gay either. I'd be more upset that he wanted to explore behind my back, which is obviously a gateway to cheating, even as a one-off thing that he might realise he's not into anyway.)

One of my uni friends married a nice guy. They had 2 sons quite quickly. 3 years later she rang me and told me her DH has a boyfriend. He claimed to still love her. She kicked him out. She brought up children virtually on their own. Her ex now lives with a man. Only saw his kids once or twice a year. She said there were no clews. She came home early as unwell one day and thought she would go and lie on bed go or a while until she had to go get kids from school. She walked into bedroom and caught her DH in bed with another man. After the shock and anger she was glad she found out relatively early in their marriage. All he was worried about was his friends and boss not finding out he was bi/gay. He has not been with another woman since.

@Clairewentoverthemountain

It was 2008, not 2022.

It's actually 2008

"I asked him what was wrong, he started to shake and cry, then to close the laptop, I put my hand in and said no, move, what are you doing, then I opened it up to see he was talking on a bichatroom".

If my husband did this to me when I was closing up my laptop I'd have been furious. To be treated in this manner would be a deal breaker for me. We give each other privacy when we're on our laptops and other devices.

I'd probably be even more furious at myself when I realised I'd just replied to a thread from 2008 😉

@Clairewentoverthemountain It's a 14 year old thread but how dare you tell OP what she CAN or CAN'T be upset about or how she should think.
She, or any other woman facing this is entitled to feel whatever she likes, thank you.

And yes of course feel sorry for him but he has had time to process his emotions or deal with his sexuality, OP hasn't. It's all brand new (or was!) like you said -now it's 2022.
Nobody should be lying to someone else as a cover for their sexuality.
Nobody has the right to deceive someone else and ruin their life just because they can't face coming out.

Hi all. We're closing this now as it's from 2008.