I am a stupid stupid idiot with no will power and I have really messed up this time

[influence]

Not really after advice, just need to tell someone what I've gone and done.

I have a lovely male colleague. We kind of acknowledge that there's some attraction between us, but have never done anything about it as we are both married....

Last night we were at a leaving do, a bit to drink, but not loads. I wasn't on very good form, because of a very late night the night before and wanted to leave quite early. He said he felt the same (he'd been at the same do the prevous night too) and would walk me to the taxis and then get his bus.

So off we went and he said he needed the loo. He had the keys for an office we moved out of a few weeks ago and is now empty, so as we were walking past he went to use the loo there. I went inside with him, as the alternative was to stand on a rowdy Fri night High St by myself.

You know what's coming don't you?

I can't recall exactly how it happened, but I didn't put up much of a fight. Some people might say it was nothing really, but it was a lot of snogging and some wandering hands and went of for at least 1 hour. I had a great time . No clothes were removed, but this is just not the sort of thing I do (completely faithful for 20 years)so it's a big deal to me. No idea if he set up the office thing with this in mind or not TBH, but he did rush straight to the loo when we got inside.

I had a text from him in the taxi, asking if I was OK and saying he wished he'd met me before I married I think I'm saddest at the fact I must have lost him as friend.

I told dp what I was reading.

He agreed.

Do not tell dp, it isn't fair to make his life shit because you were a twat one night.

So, suck it up, feel the guilt.

Then learn from it, don't do it again. Ever.

LOL Engineered I don't think my teenage DS would like that much!

Thanks everyone for talking it through - I just wanted to get it off my chest and put it behind me TBH. Not going to tell DH because don't see what's to be gained from it (and I'd rather he didn't tell me if it was other way round TBH - lot of truth in what you don't know...)

I am absolutely going to avoid him, that's why I have to lose him as a friend and that is sad.

Kewclotter "That and my father is a dickhead didn;t help. " IMO that probably had more to do with it than the infidelity - gave your mother an excuse?

I am sure my marriage is strong, we've got through much worse than this 7 years TTC, joblessness, in-laws from hell, DH's mid-life crisis and a period when he wasn't "in love" with me. Maybe that sounds like we don't have a good marriage, but I feel that these experiences have made it so strong, one night of stupidity can't do it too much harm.

BTW - he had the keys because he always has them - he needs to visit several time a week and we had to walk literally past the door, but yes I know it's suspicious.

I think you are making the right decision.

The point is not just the snog though is it - there's an emotional attachment forming/formed.

Sending you that text about wishing he'd met you before is emotional twanging on your heartstring/libido and it is bound to make you feel like a teenager again.

It's so easy to have a perfect friendship with those we only have to present our best bits to.

I am not judging you at all either because I know how easy it is to like the look of someone initially, then you get chatting and you like the person they are too, especially if they are flattering.

Try to look ahead at where this will/can go and be honest with yourself. Use this as a barometer: If you can see yourself in two year's time, divorced and single, with no man in your life but happy anyway, living just with DCs then quite possibly there's a major problem with your marriage you need to sort out/make a decision on.

If however you CAN'T imagine being divorced and single but you CAN imagine being with this other guy instead - you have likely got caught up in a friendship turned flirtation through boredom, not because you can't bear to be with your DH any more.

It strikes me this point in time is pivotal to your future. You may look back on this very night as the point from which you desperately wish you could turn the clock back to - the point where there was no real damage done and nobody got hurt. Please think carefully about your strategy before the next time you have to see this guy from work again, because small beginnings as it is, once it snowballs its very hard to stop/reverse. All the best. I know it's difficult and confusing.

Bollocks to the friendship, that was the price of a quick fumble.

And it could have been a higher price.

Your 'friendship' has changed irrevocably already.

babye - your first scenario makes me want to cry and the 2nd is ridiculous TBH - I don't want anything other than to stay with DH.

Fortunately I start a new 5 week project on Mon, so I will hardly see this man for a month anyway.

Well, how big a deal this is actually depends entirely on the OP's relationship with her DH and where both of them feel the line is drawn with regard to 'infidelity'. Because it is not an absolute: some people feel that everything up to bumsex is acceptable, others (admittedly the more mental ones) think that being alone in a room at lunchtime with an attractive person is 'cheating' even if there was not so much as a fingertip touch.

And in some couples' relationships it would be ok to say, oops, got a bit drunk and snogged work colleague, sorry darling, and have the other partner say, oh well as long as you didn't actually take your pants off its all right, don't do it again - only the OP knows how her DH is likely to react to even a soft-pedalled confession.

Basically, Influence: put it behind you, and don't be alone with the bloke again, but don't worry about it too much. No one is dead, after all.

That is great news Influence. I am really pleased for you that's the case.

Its just that I have had 2 good friends who ended up leaving their DH's through a flirtation that started something like this and got out of hand. It was awful to see the pain they went through and in the end neither stayed with the new man anyway, they just got out of depth (plus they had to continue working with the men in question, seeing them every day, so the false intimacy was increased). One of these guys in particular was very emotionally manipulative but it meant nothing in reality.

One of the friends in particular was gutted, absolutely gutted when she realised what she'd thrown away and how innoculously it had started. She pined for her ex DH back for years but he had met someone else and moved on.

I wish you all the very best.

PS It was the just the text you mentioned where he said he wished he'd met you before you married. This is the sort of thing my friend's man did which is what rang the alarm bells. It's a lot different than if the text had said "Hi, hope you got home ok" isn't it.

If on the other hand you are thinking of it as just a snog - then definately agree just move on and no, I wouldn't tell DH!

"Kewclotter "That and my father is a dickhead didn;t help. " IMO that probably had more to do with it than the infidelity - gave your mother an excuse?" - sadly no that wasn't the way it played out, influence. My mother was desperate to make it work, despite my father eahving like a moron (the infidelity and him behaving like said moron where intertwined andno so easily separated).

I think my mother would rather be married to the man she thought was her parner for life than divorced. My father however thought the grass looked greener... ironically although he now has a new partner and my mum doesn't. She still gives the impression of being the happier of the two of them. He has discovered that behaving badly to someone that you once cared so deeply about does impact on your ability to consider yourself a decent person (I'd like to think) and finds that hard to handle.

I think you have to to wallow in that guilt and therefore Not Do This again. With him or any other.

A one off drunken night fumble is forgivable a series is def NOT

Solidgold my love! I was looking for you the other night... not important.

I WOULD tell my DP tbh, if only because the nastiest thing about a partner's infidelity is the feeling of being lied to. What if they meet and make small talk at a work do - how awful will you feel then? I know it will cause some flak, but having the respect to keep him in the loop is the least you can do, and will at least demote the intimacy of sharing a secret with this other guy, and preclude the likelihood of it happening again. I also think you should try to change jobs. Just my tuppence worth, but good luck x

SLur: sorry due to finance meltdown was offline for a week. ANything I can help with?

In your position I would:

1. NOT tell DH

2. Make it very clear to the colleague that it was a one-off and will never happen again

3. Think about looking for another job - it will be very hard to see this man every day and not repeat your tryst

4. Make an appointment with RELATE (just for yourself, initially) so that you can discuss the whole thing properly and work out what you want for the rest of your married life and how you can make that happen.

Its okay Solid, it was a bit of a 'moment' thing. However I may email you if that's okay?

Just wanted some book club advice

a "friend" does not put his hand down yer knickers this is a well described story of 2 dirty shaggers

if it wasn't unfaithful - tell your husband
mmmm thought not

drink less
think more

lost a friend?OMG some grubby liaison in a bog and you are pontificating friendship norms

aye righty ho