My mum has finally discovered that my dcs call my dsm 'Grandma' and has hit the roof. Help me work out how to handle it, please.

[Olihan]

Sorry, this might be long but it's all relevant so bear with me......

My dad and dsm have been together since 1990. Dsm and her then-dh were friends of my parents, dad and dsm had an affair and set up home together and eventually married once both divorces were finalised.

Obviously my mum was devastated by the affair and my dad leaving but she met her dp in 1992 and they've been together ever since.

I was 13 at the time, my dsis was 12 and my mum said and did a lot of things (cried when dsis and I were supposed to be going over to dad's for the night, emotional blackmail stuff) to try and wreck my relationship with my dad. I didn't speak to him for nearly 2 years, didn't go to his wedding and had a very rocky relationship with him until I was 19, went to Uni and basically was able to realise what she was doing. Now I'm very close to both of them and they have a very good relationship with dh too.

Fast forward to 2003 when I was expecting ds1. Mum told me that her dp would be known to my dcs by his name. That was fine. It was her choice - we were happy to go along with what she wanted.

However, she also stated that she thought dsm should also be known by her name, not Grandma/Granny/Nanny, etc. Her reasoning for this was that my paternal grandad left my grandma for another woman shortly after my parent's wedding and my dsis and I called his new woman by name.

DH and I didn't agree with her, because dsm had been with dad and in my life for as long as she hadn't, iyswim. However, we didn't make an issue of it, dsm became Grandma, as that's what her son's dcs called her and that was that.

We never actually explicitly told her this, which was probably stupid, but we assumed that the dcs would have said it as she often asks them about what they've done with my dad (he lives in Singapore and we go over for a fortnight every year).

Jump on again to the present. My dsis' baby is being christened next month and both sets of parents will be in the same room for the first time. Dsis asked if mum knew about the dsm/Grandma situation and I said I didn't know. So she asked her and it turns out that she had no idea. I am genuinely surprised that she didn't know but there we go.

However, mum has gone slightly off the deep end about it. Not to me though, to my dad via email.

So how do I approach it with her? My instinct is to tell her it's actually none of her business, she made the decision about her and her dp's names, this one was down to us and she has to like it or lump it. It all happened 18 years ago, she's been with her new dp for 16 years, we've all moved on so she needs to get over it.

So I need some MN wisdom because I suspect that's not the best approach . What do I do or say? I'm ringing her in an hour or so to discuss it.

Help!

I agree with Cappucino.

I can see your Mum's point. If my little DC grew up and their children - my grandchildren - called the woman (who had hurt me so badly) "Grandma" I would not be happy at all about it.

That doesn't mean she has the right to dictate how you or your DC feel about things and it was wrong of her to try to poison you against your father.

I'd tell your Mum that your DC were just copying the other children and that you don't want to have to sit down and try to explain to young children about what happened. It doesn't mean that you approve of how your father and DSM behaved in 1990 but you don't want your children made aware of it and the ill felling it caused. Then tell her she is one of your DCs two "real" grandmothers and nothing in the world can change that. (maybe tell her you love her too just for good measure!)

It is horrible when people who go through a marriage break up due to an affair try to bring others into it and make them choose sides. But it is understandable too because they have been deeply hurt and want to feel vindicated that they did not deserve to be treated so badly. Some people seem able to move on from anything life throws at them (and they are the happier ones), while others (myself included) sort of add it to the list of things which defines them and it is with them for the rest of their lives. It sounds like your Mum is in the second group and you are in the first?

I think suggesting that she is in every way as inportant as your mother is quite hurtful.
You see sgm once a year.

My ex had an affair and is now married to the ow. I am married again and am very happy with my dh. If in the future when DC's have children of their own they called ow "Grandma" I would be absolutely devestated. Being a dirty slut with somebody elses husband doesn't give her the right to that title.

It's going to be very hard to help you Olihan, when you keep posting what subsequently transpires to be 'snippets' of a conversation or history with which you can go on to disagree with posts you dont like to see by saying "you dont know the whole story".

Of course none of us know the whole story. We can only go by what you are telling us. That's quite telling, IMO.

I think it's safe to say that things are not as clear cut as perhaps you'd like them to be. There is nothing you can do about that - you come from a split family. You are just going to have to learn to deal with it I think, rather than 'avoid' it which it seems you have been doing. No, you shouldnt have to consider how your mums feelings about your fathers wife are (it's certainly not something I've had to deal with but I dont come from a split family), but, that's the situation you are in and you will just have to learn to handle it better. Otherwise, it could be said that you are also hanging on to the past, which is exactly what you are accusing your mother of doing.

You are making this all very complicated for the DC in the family. Why an earth can't they call all of them Grandma and Grandad. My DS calls my DP's parents Grandma and Grandad, obviously my DP and I are not married, but it is out of respect. They buy him birthday cards with Grandson on. It makes him and them feel more like a united family. You really are making alot out of this. Think of the children. For instance why can't they call they Grandma Betty and Grandma Phylis (or whatever their real names are obviously!)

The past is the past, I am assuming that your mother and father are both happy in their relationships? Tell your mum that is the situation and she needs to deal with it for the kids sake. At the end of the day it is what the children call them.

my ds has 4 sets of grandparents too complicated that one set of grandparents should be nany and grandad the the other nanny and x and then grandad and x

too complicated as to why only one is nanny and grandad so we do anny x and grandad x but it always reverts to just nany and grandad but i think its fair as technically they are as married to the grandparent

he also has great nanny

his only 3 so it wont sink in why all is so different confusing just writing it explain how confusing it is but doesnt make them love her less or the other more

sorry didnt read the affair bit i can understand the hurt then feels completely replaced but if you and children are happy with this just reassure your mum that is nothing against her at all

we have similar situation with my dh's family. similar background too! when my dd was about a year old i asked dh's dsm what she would like dd to call her. she said grandma so that is it. my mil said she wants to be called something else, not grannie type name or her name. resolved we thought
but years later mil still chafes at this - we ignore it, we say ' she is ahuge part of her life you each have a unique and special relationship' and them try to move on (each and every time!)

we are in a VERY similar situation! (FIL had an affair 12 years ago - not speaking terms with MIL)

so my FIL wife has been called Granny Mo (her name is mowenna). Helps that MIL is Nanna...

maybe trying something like that,

Point out to your mum that it won't make any difference to who you DC loves most, It will boil down to how makes the most effort and the relationship they make with them, not what they are called.

I don't think that Olihan's mother is necessarily as in the right as many people seem to think.

My parents divorced when I was young, and my mother was very, very badly treated by my father (I now see in retrospect). I don't particularly get on with my step-mother either.

But my mother said to me, just after dd was born, 'I will be Grandma so that J (my stepmother) can be Granny'. And like I said, this is a woman who has no reason to be nice to my stepmother.

Even more so when it seems that Olihan's children have started to call DSM Granny, despite Olihan trying other names.

The only problem, really, was the concealment, but frankly I would have done the same thing there too.

I don't think you can do much more, to be honest. If your mother wants to sulk about it, just let her get on with it. It will only work if you're feeling guilty - but I think you've done the best you can for your own family, so no reason to. It will blow over in time, if you can bear to weather the storm.

'It is horrible when people who go through a marriage break up due to an affair try to bring others into it and make them choose sides. But it is understandable too because they have been deeply hurt and want to feel vindicated that they did not deserve to be treated so badly. Some people seem able to move on from anything life throws at them (and they are the happier ones), while others (myself included) sort of add it to the list of things which defines them and it is with them for the rest of their lives. It sounds like your Mum is in the second group and you are in the first?'

I think I am also in the second, but the difference between my mum and I is that I try to let it define me in a positive way and see the changes in my life as something that will benefit me whereas mum can only ever see the negative.

I find it very sad that her entire life and outlook is defined by this one event and I honestly think she will never be genuinely happy or content in her life because she can not let it go. A third of her life has passed since he left, she has a new dp, she's comfortably off, she has good friends, and yet she still allows it to be the single most important part of her existence.

At what point should she let that go and live in the present? I am guessing that the posters who became very emotionally involved in this yesterday are ones who have been betrayed by a partner or spouse. I am also guessing that it was far more recent than 20 years ago, in which case I can understand the rawness.

It's also interesting reading the views of those who have no experience of being part of a split family. Being used as a pawn and a weapon by your mum for 6 years is not fun and screwed me up a lot as a teenager. I have tried to move on from it but mum seems to be determined to keep us back there. And yes, that colours my relationship with her - hence the fact I am coming across as unsympathetic to her feelings.

I am not willing for my children to be dragged into ancient history or used as something to be competed over. They will never know anything different to having 3 sets of grandparents, they don't need to know the history. If they ask why mum's dp is just X, not Grandpa then we will deal with it as and when it arises.

I want to resolve this and move forward into the future but she is trying to keep us 20 years in the past.

Daphne, DH and I would have been happy with them all being Grandma/Grandad but my mum chose that her dp wouldn't be. It was her decision and I respect that.

vonsudenfed, thank you. I appreciate that.

olihan, agree with you. your dm like my dmil is living in the past. it is 2008 now and we all have to get on with what we have now: a very blended family

Im going to take a totally different angle from this

THE KIDS are happy with the situation and that is it!

There seems to be a lot of thought to both the OPs mums feelings but not much thought to the kids involved here.

This isn't about past relationships that have broken down this is about new relationships that the children have made.

It isn't there fault that their grandfather left their grandmother, from my point of view having another person willing to take on the role (which OPs mothers DP seems not willing to) of being a grandparent is a wonderful thing for the kids.

Sure it can't be easy for OP's mum, but it obviously is easy for the OPs kids, otherwise they wouldn't call DSM grandm XX

IMHO OPs mum is being childish, and controlling trying to exculde the kids from having a relationship with DSM, and from what the OP has said about her Mum trying to ruin her relationship with her Dad it seems like it is her form.

My MIL was determinded that my kids would call her Gran (surname) which I personally hated - it was way too formal, and she tried so hard to get the kids to call her it - and I never tried to stop them (although it must be said I never encouraged it) and the kids call her Gran at the beach when they are not with her and just Gran when they are there - my point is kids do tend to call people what they want to.

Im not saying that OP hasn't made mistakes, but OP obviously didn't see what the kids called DSM and issue. And who of us here can say we never made a mistake.

It seems like OPs mum isn't willing to discuss this any further, so there isn't a lot more she can do.

If your children have always known your grandfather and stepmother as a couple then to them they are granny and grandad. My second husband is called uncle by my brother's kids as they have never seen me with my first husband.
I found it odd that my stepkids called their grandfathers second wife by her first name, but that came from their mother who never forgave her father for leaving her mother.
I think unlike the terms mum and dad children can have several grannies and grandads. I don't think their calling their grandad's wife grannie detracts from their relationship with their other grandparents.
I would like to think my son's children will call my first and second husband grandad in the future, in recognition of their importance in their lives.
I would have no objection to my exhusband's partner being called grannie.

I have been in the same position - but I was opeh about this from the beginning. I realised that eventually the children would talk. So I made it clear that everyone could chose their 'grandparent' name and sort it out between themselves.

People were hurt. But that's the nature of split families. But the children are NEW and their relationship with the grandparents is NEW and it isn't fair to burden them with crap from the past. I'd rather make my family feel BIGGER by having several Grandma's - rather than smaller and just having one or two.

So yes - I'd explain that you understand her feelings but you want to give your children the blessing of lots of grandparents. It IS petty, and it isn't fair for your mother to expect you to take on her long-held bitter feuds.

See, MP, I thought the dcs would have talked and it would all have come out 3 odd years ago but when I needed them to blab they somehow managed to keep schtum .

I agree with everyone who is saying it's a new generation, it's time to move forwards and leave the past where it belongs.

I'm going to attempt to talk to her again and make it clear that while I appreciate she may be upset, it was 20 years ago, it has nothing to do with my dcs and we are now an extended family and people have their own role and relationships to build with my dcs that has nothing to do with titles or what happened 20 years ago. I will apologise again for being a coward and not raising it with her when ds1 started using 'Grandma' for dsm but after that I am going to consider the matter over.

Thanks again, for all your help and thoughts.

I have been on both sides - I am the child of bitter divorced parents, and am also the cheated wife ...
So.....I totally get the being used as a pawn by angry parents ...but I feel for you mum ...if my H ever ended up with the OW and my precious DD's kids called her grandma I would be heartbroken all over again...

I know it's been a long time since your parents split, but I still have sympathines with your mother over this naming thing. I

I would feel the same as her - but mainly because I hadn't been told about it earlier. You can't now say to her 'it's big deal' as you have spent three years not telling her your dcs call their dsm 'grandma' which IMO adds to it being a big deal.

If she had not asked you dcs to use different name for your dsm, it would not be 'a big deal' but she did! She specifically asked you, and you had three years to tell her that her wish was not going to happen. Her wish may have been impractical, but it was tied up with a very sensitive issue for her - and I can see why she'd feel let down that no one told her face to face. And might also beg the question what else about dsm and her ex have you been keeping from her?

It's a shame she is making things difficult now and is not accepting your apology well.

I think you need to keep on apologising and also get your sister to give your mother precedence over your dsm at the christening - in seating arrangements, being mentioned in speeches etc.

I wish you luck!

Second paragraph should say

'You can't now say to her 'it's no big deal' as you have spent three years not telling her your dcs call their dsm 'grandma' which IMO adds to it being a big deal.

skimmed thread...

You children do NOT need to be dragged into a (nearly 2 decade) fight.

One extra person who loves your children is a bonus

Giving the mother preference over the stepmother at seating arrangements would mean giving the mother preference over the father as you wouldn't split a married couple. There is no way I would do this.
The father and his wife didn't make this naming thing an issue, the mother did. It wasn't her place to go around saying what other people should be called anyway. Having her exes new wife called grannie does nothing to diminish her grannie title. No-one is taking anything away from her, as children usually (if lucky and they don't die early) have more than 1 grandmother, unlike the title "mum" which I think should belong to 1 person.
The mother is behaving like a petulant child and should not be given special status to make up for this, particularly if this means downgrading dad's status.
I agree at the time it would have been best to mention it when stepmother started being called grannie, but if mum was going to make a scene I can understand not bothering, particularly if the children were there.
Glad I'm an atheist and didn't have this christening malarky.

blimey. I understand it can be devastating if your partner of x years sets up home with somebody else, but people have to get on when it comes to the grandchildren!

My mum and dad are Mamar and Grandpops
My FIL and his wife are Nana and Grandpa
My MIL and her husband are Nannar and Granddad

DH's parents may not love each other any more but they make an effort for the sake of their children and grandchildren - we even have pictures of DH's parents together at our wedding day as he wanted a pic with his mum and dad. They dont get along but they make the effort when required, always civil at grandchildrens christenings / birthdays etc otherwise somebody misses out

Its only a name at the end of the day - a name doesn't measure how much you love or are loved by a child.