My mum has finally discovered that my dcs call my dsm 'Grandma' and has hit the roof. Help me work out how to handle it, please.

[Olihan]

Sorry, this might be long but it's all relevant so bear with me......

My dad and dsm have been together since 1990. Dsm and her then-dh were friends of my parents, dad and dsm had an affair and set up home together and eventually married once both divorces were finalised.

Obviously my mum was devastated by the affair and my dad leaving but she met her dp in 1992 and they've been together ever since.

I was 13 at the time, my dsis was 12 and my mum said and did a lot of things (cried when dsis and I were supposed to be going over to dad's for the night, emotional blackmail stuff) to try and wreck my relationship with my dad. I didn't speak to him for nearly 2 years, didn't go to his wedding and had a very rocky relationship with him until I was 19, went to Uni and basically was able to realise what she was doing. Now I'm very close to both of them and they have a very good relationship with dh too.

Fast forward to 2003 when I was expecting ds1. Mum told me that her dp would be known to my dcs by his name. That was fine. It was her choice - we were happy to go along with what she wanted.

However, she also stated that she thought dsm should also be known by her name, not Grandma/Granny/Nanny, etc. Her reasoning for this was that my paternal grandad left my grandma for another woman shortly after my parent's wedding and my dsis and I called his new woman by name.

DH and I didn't agree with her, because dsm had been with dad and in my life for as long as she hadn't, iyswim. However, we didn't make an issue of it, dsm became Grandma, as that's what her son's dcs called her and that was that.

We never actually explicitly told her this, which was probably stupid, but we assumed that the dcs would have said it as she often asks them about what they've done with my dad (he lives in Singapore and we go over for a fortnight every year).

Jump on again to the present. My dsis' baby is being christened next month and both sets of parents will be in the same room for the first time. Dsis asked if mum knew about the dsm/Grandma situation and I said I didn't know. So she asked her and it turns out that she had no idea. I am genuinely surprised that she didn't know but there we go.

However, mum has gone slightly off the deep end about it. Not to me though, to my dad via email.

So how do I approach it with her? My instinct is to tell her it's actually none of her business, she made the decision about her and her dp's names, this one was down to us and she has to like it or lump it. It all happened 18 years ago, she's been with her new dp for 16 years, we've all moved on so she needs to get over it.

So I need some MN wisdom because I suspect that's not the best approach . What do I do or say? I'm ringing her in an hour or so to discuss it.

Help!

I have to ring her because she has told my dsis that she isn't happy but she isn;t going to make an issue of it then has emailed my dad to complain to him about it. It's nothing to do with him and I also don;t want my dsis getting it in the neck so I feel like I need to have my say.

I am wary of hurting her but I think she is being unreasonable about it, tbh.

The other issue with her dp being known by name is that he actually isn't bothered by my dcs (or me). He never comes to see us when she does, doesn't particuarly engage with them when we go there. He isn't going to my dnieces christening because he doen't like big family do's. They came to us for Christmas 3 years ago and he spent the whiole day sat in a chair reading the paper. So he doesn't deserve or want a Grandad role anyway.

I'm truly fine about that, it's his choice.

However, dsm plays a very active role in their lives - she gets up with them in the mornings when we're over there, she had non-sleeping ds2 in their room for half the holiday this year so we could get some full night's sleep. She goes out of her way to make sure she doesn't show any favouritism to her blood dgc. So from that POV she really is a Grandma in everything but genes.

i would say to her,as previously posted,it's only a name, or rather,a form of address.my dc's call their dad by his name, not "dad". i have known many people,old and young,call mums, dads,grans etc by their given name, and it doesn't mean squat diddly.

i've always said, i don't mind what my dc's call me,as long as they talk to me.

btw,when i told my parents i was getting married. my father said i should call my in-laws "mum and dad"

hahahahaha

you need to apologise for not telling her

that's all you did wrong imo

God, she's really done a number on you. Why is it your problem if your dad and her split up? That's kind of what she's saying isn't it? Forever more his wife shall be 'the other woman' even though I am completely happy myself?

It's a mountain out of a molehill IMO - she's grandma, the other woman is grandma X. Ergo she is primary grandma. And they don't even live in the same country so it's not as if there's any confusion. When I was a kid, there was an old lady down the road we used to call Grandma X. She wasn't even related to us. Don't your kids call your friends aunty and uncle so-and-so? Same deal

It's her problem, not yours. It is much more normal for your children if they just call her grandma - they shouldn't be involved in the politics.

Sorry, I'm not surprised your mum is hurt, as you have allowed her to think that your children call your step mother by her name as her partner is known by his. You did nothing to correct this impression because you knew she would react like this.

Even if you think you haven't done anything wrong, I think you need to grovel.

Spicemonster, that's exactly what I've just said to DH. My dsis's best friends will be known as Auntie X and Uncle Z by my niece. I don't have an issue with that. Because at the end of the day, I am her aunt by blood and that's what counts.

Having said that (and re-read the OP), I think you probably need to apologise but then say you didn't want to tell her because you knew she'd kick up a fuss and how very tiresome that is. Okay not quite those words but you need to tell her it's not okay for her to still be acting like the injured party where you and your children are concerned.

I disagree, SM. Just because she has moved on with her life and isn't at home crying over him does not mean that she has forgotten the hurt and betrayal of her husband leaving her for her good friend.

I think had that relationship fizzled out and your Dad was now with someone entirely different, your mother would not be bothered either way. Also, she had thought all this time that she was the one with the title, Grandma.

Of course this is just my opinion and you have done nothing wrong in choosing the way you did, although you should have told her from the beginning.

I agree with myredcardigan, even though OP's mother has moved on and has her own new relationship, this must stir up feelings that she has been "replaced" by her ex husband's second wife.

How old are your dc's ? Are they too old to "tweak" things ? My mum and dad and Grandma and Grandad - sm and sd are Granny Carol and Grandad Pete. Just adding their christian name sort of appeases my mum that she is the only "Grandma". It also distinguish them in conversations with dc's because both mine and dp's parents are divorced and remarried so there are four sets of them.

Its a tough one but FWIW, I don't think you've done anything wrong and your mum is overreacting

TPL, sorry, re-reading, I've just seen your post. That is it in a nutshell, I was going to say that to her, perhaps slightly less bluntly though!

umberella, she is still bitter and twisted about it all too, after all this time. Doesn't make her an easy person to talk to, tbh.

totally with cappy on this. i can see why your mum is upset.

I'd be "bitter and twisted" if my husband left me for someone else and thirty years later my grandchildren were calling the other woman "grandma".

I'm sure she hasn't forgotten the hurt and betrayal MRC but it isn't the OP or her children's fault. You simply cannot expect other generations of your family to keep bearing grudges like that, sorry. Unacceptable.

Myredcardigan, I do see where you're coming from and you have a valid point. Unfortunately, when I look back on her bahaviour towards my dad and the way she manipulated me into not seeing him and really ruined 5 years of my relationship with him I lose a lot of sympathy.

It was a horrible, horrible thing that they both did to her, but to punish him by making me cut myself off from him was pretty unforgiveable too. It did huge amounts of damage to mine and dsis' relationship too (she was a very loyal daddy's girl), which we are only just coming through.

There's a difference between not bearing a grudge and calling step mum the children's grandma. She isn't.

Perhaps step-father isn't over involved with the grandchildren because he feels it is not his place to take on that role, as they already have a maternal grandfather?

Personally, I think you should have come up with another name for your DSM. there are lots of alternatives.

What is your mum known as?

X posted Dittany!

Although I agree with the gist, I do recoil at the 'blood realtion' thing. And the gene pool thing. As anyone with an adoptive relationship probably does.

Soupy, mum is just Grandma, dsm is Grandma Her Name.

Georgie, her dp isn't involved with my dcs as he doesn't want to be. He isn't involved with me or my dsis in any way, shape or form, even to the point of chatting or friendship. If we are there he will sit behind his paper or watch TV. He is almost rude in his avoidance of us. He refuses to go to any kind of family get together, apart from under extreme duress and would prefer, I think, for my mum not to have the baggage of us. I've accepted that, he's her choice of dp and she says she's happy with him and their relationship.

what a difficult situation. is it really important to call her grandma?
I totally agree with dittany about her feeling - she got my husband, now she has my grandchildren.
my mum and her dp look after ds when I work. although ds loves mums dp, she is nanny and he is known by his name. mum left dad for her dp, so I cannot possibly let him be grandad - that is my dads title. It must hurt my dad enough already that he sees less of ds than my stepdad does.
so, while it is of course your choice about what your children call members of their extended family, I can understand why your mum is hurt..