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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dumped by bloke who until recently was declaring undying love, believed him, how stupid am I

37 replies

lightbeam1 · 26/09/2008 16:06

Met a bloke at uni 10 years ago who became really good friend. Always knew he wanted more but I had a longterm boyfriend and eventually he met someone. About a year ago we started meeting up and to cut a long story short started having sex. It was the best I've ever had. Fell for him big time and continued to see him despite the fact he was in a relationship with a woman he'd been with for 5 years (I know, I know, totally unacceptable) He promised me it would take time to leave this woman but that we'd be together, and that as we'd waited 10 years to finally get together another couple of months waiting wouldnt make any difference. Believed him. He'd ring all the time, text, email and basically want constant contact from me until a few months ago. The emails went from lovey dovey to more of an email you'd send a friend. He totally distanced himself and said he needed space. He has since dropped me. Rang me to say it was over and that was it. Since heard hes still with his girlfriend.

I just dont understand how with all our history he can dump me. Dented my confidence that this bloke wanted me for 10 years and when he finally had the chance for a relationship with me didnt want to know. I feel more upset about the way hes treated me, to just drop me like I'm a piece of dirt. Really miss him after having him in my life for so long. Have been sitting here reading past emails from him declaring undying love. Feel so sad (sob). Am I just naieve and pathetic?

OP posts:

Yeyeayo · 26/09/2008 16:12

Hi lightbeam1,

I'm sorry that this happened ((hugs))

This can't be easy to hear so I apologise in advance, but maybe it was the fact that you were so hard to obtain that kept him going. And when he achieved that goal, the thrill/challenge may have disappeared. Did you succumb to him completely after having sex? Tell him how much you loved him and wanted to be with him, etc?

The thing is that if this is the case (and I'm not saying it is - it's just a theory) he's not the man that you thought he was. And definitely not worthy of your love and attention.

mrsruffallo · 26/09/2008 16:16

Don't sleep with married/involved men
Learn your lesson and move on
Good luck

PoppyFox · 26/09/2008 16:19

he sounds a coward, playing with people's lives. No empathy for the trail of distruction he's left in his wake, because you're not real people you know? you ,or his actual girlfriend (poor soul) your both just characters in the play about him and his life obviously.

I've been there.

sayithowitis · 26/09/2008 16:22

So you don't like the fact he dropped you as though you were a piece of dirt, but were happy for him to do the same to his girlfriend?
Maybe you should have waited until he had finished with his girlfriend before starting a relationship with him?
I know it sounds harsh, but how would you have felt if you were the girlfriend and he did this to you? I know that on here the recieved wisdom is usually that it is the mans fault and I have a certain amount of sympathy with that view. But you knew he had a girlfriend and still went into a relationship with him. Move on and find someone who is free to have a relationship.

Witchybella · 26/09/2008 16:23

He is a coward. Learn from this. She maybe unaware of what a bastard she is with.

The pain will ease in time, i know it will hurt like made now.

PoppyFox · 26/09/2008 16:26

Relationships do end though Sayithowitis.

People stop saying 'I love you' when they're ina relationship that's nearing its end. And clearly, the relationship this man had with his 5 yr girlfriend is not that good.

I don't think the OP is unreasonable to feel betrayed. She was led to believe that he was going to end the relationship, but that he was going to end it in a sensitive manner.

Instead, he just had his cake and ate it. He 'took' her love and slept with her under false pretences really..

Give her a break, he's the bad guy.

Pity him OP, for being too cowardly to leave a mediocre relationship, and be grateful you've had a lucky escape from a man with such dubios moral fibre. He doesn't have much of a conscience.

Original poster

lightbeam1 · 26/09/2008 16:29

sayithowitis- I suppose I told myself that I'd had a relationship with this man long before he got together with his girlfriend so it was justifiable (of course I know it wasnt). Convinced myself that because we've had such history we were meant to be together, stupid and pathetic I know.

Yey- think you are right. Once we slept together and I realised how much I loved him and how I wish I'd got with him years ago, I did make myself very available and told him how I felt. In some ways I think our relationship might have been revenge for him. He never stopped telling me how it was my fault we never got together because I always had boyfriends who werent him and it was my fault it had taken 10 years to get to the point where we were in a relationship. I never accepted this but it seems getting me to fall for him and then buggering off was a way of him getting back at me.

Feel devastated, miss the fact that I dont even have him as a friend anymore.

OP posts:

sayithowitis · 26/09/2008 16:31

I know relationships end Poppy and I don't think he acted well at all. However, I don't understand why the OP is entitled to feel betrayed when she herself helped him to betray his GF? Clearly that relationship is better than you think as they are still together. I just think this is a case of 'the biter bit' and the OP should put this down to experience and move on.

PeppermintPatty · 26/09/2008 16:34

Oh come on PoppyFox - don't all married/involved men tell their bit on the side that they're going to dump their wife/girlfriend in a senstive manner when the time's right.
Its the oldest line in the book.

I agree with Mrsruffallo. Learn you lesson and move on.

sayithowitis · 26/09/2008 16:35

Lightbeam1, despite the impression I may have given, I do sympathise with your situation, but I think you may have hit the nail on the head when you talk about revenge. As hard as it is, try to br grateful that he did drop you! At least he is not going to dump on you again, whereas I suspect he may well do so on his poor girlfriend! Be grateful you are out of it now, rather than a few more years down the line.
As to missing him as a friend, if he could do that to you, maybe he wasn't a true friend?

PoppyFox · 26/09/2008 16:49

I don't know, but show OP a little compassion.

Original poster

lightbeam1 · 26/09/2008 16:50

You're quite right sayit, if he was a true friend he wouldnt have treated me so badly. Makes me feel sick when I remember how so wrapped up in him I was that even when he emailed me from holiday he was declaring undying love and asking to see me. He was on holiday with his girlfriend. And yet I didnt think it was odd... why would he go on holiday with her if he was thinking of breaking up with her.

OP posts:

Original poster

lightbeam1 · 26/09/2008 16:50

OP posts:

PoppyFox · 26/09/2008 16:51

Lightbeam, if this is how he treatsyou, a woman who is important to him, who means something to him, then you should be glad that you didn't waste ten yrs with him.

You don't mean as much to him as he means to himself.

expatinscotland · 26/09/2008 16:52

What mrsruffalo and PP said.

I agree.

Lesson learned.

He's lying to his wife or partner, hardly the best example of honesty.

I've also learned the hard way to be very wary of men who come on strongly with 'contant contact' and lovely dovey stuff.

Because their love isn't true. It's a fantasy of their own construction or total BS and that's why they can dump women they profess to love past anything in the blink of an eye.

Original poster

lightbeam1 · 26/09/2008 16:54

Thanks so much for your supportive words poppyfox, it does help ease the pain a little. When I'm feeling stronger I will delete all the emails and texts from him instead of weeping over them constantly.

OP posts:

ToughDaddy · 26/09/2008 22:04

i think that you had a lucky escape. Just imagine if you had married him with kids. Some blokes like a challenge and can seek the challenge of a chase - you would hope that they would get over this by the time they are 30 but.....

Take some control: start by not thinking of yourself as a victim; you had a bit fun but that is all. Time to move on.

solidgoldbrass · 26/09/2008 22:14

He's a shit. Men like this enjoy pursuing women until they give in, then dumping on them from a great height. It will stop hurting in due course and you will be less likely to fall for the next bullshitter you encounter. Now blow your nose, have a large drink and go and watch your favourite slobber video (the one starring Johnny Depp/COlin Firth?whoever else it is that young people fancy).

macdoodle · 26/09/2008 22:21

You were a challenge, you gave him, he got sex, challenge over !
Sorry bit of sympathy lack here - did you ever remotely consider his GF feelings ...

Original poster

lightbeam1 · 26/09/2008 22:24

macdoodle, he told me his girlfriend wasnt happy in the relationship and that he knew she'd been seeing other men. I agree, if this was a man I'd just met and didnt know well, it would be an unconvincing story. However, I've known this man for 10 years, have been very close to him and trusted and believed him. Had no reason not to.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 26/09/2008 22:27

he told you one of the oldest lines in the book, i'm afraid.

others include: we don't have sex anymore. i sleep (in the living room, spare bedroom, on the couch, etc.). we're like brother and sister. he/she is leaving after (kids grow up, kids leave home, house or some form of debt is paid, dog dies, etc.). i don't love her. he/she doesn't love me.

Original poster

lightbeam1 · 26/09/2008 22:29

expat- have learnt my lesson, wont fall for any lines like this again. Still doesnt hurt any less, unfortunately. sigh.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 26/09/2008 22:36

oh, i know! i've been there!

my ex bf was legally separated from his wife, papers and all.

he worked shifts.

found out his wife had moved back in three weeks after she had. he'd been lying all the time.

Original poster

lightbeam1 · 26/09/2008 22:39

oh expat, thats awful. Hope you are OK about things now, you sound very wise and if I may say so, very together.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 26/09/2008 22:43

yep, fine now.

most of us have learned these things the hard way.

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