Dumped by bloke who until recently was declaring undying love, believed him, how stupid am I

[lightbeam1]

Met a bloke at uni 10 years ago who became really good friend. Always knew he wanted more but I had a longterm boyfriend and eventually he met someone. About a year ago we started meeting up and to cut a long story short started having sex. It was the best I've ever had. Fell for him big time and continued to see him despite the fact he was in a relationship with a woman he'd been with for 5 years (I know, I know, totally unacceptable) He promised me it would take time to leave this woman but that we'd be together, and that as we'd waited 10 years to finally get together another couple of months waiting wouldnt make any difference. Believed him. He'd ring all the time, text, email and basically want constant contact from me until a few months ago. The emails went from lovey dovey to more of an email you'd send a friend. He totally distanced himself and said he needed space. He has since dropped me. Rang me to say it was over and that was it. Since heard hes still with his girlfriend.

I just dont understand how with all our history he can dump me. Dented my confidence that this bloke wanted me for 10 years and when he finally had the chance for a relationship with me didnt want to know. I feel more upset about the way hes treated me, to just drop me like I'm a piece of dirt. Really miss him after having him in my life for so long. Have been sitting here reading past emails from him declaring undying love. Feel so sad (sob). Am I just naieve and pathetic?

lightbeam- i know it's difficult and pardon by crudeness but just think of him as a good screw. And if you ever see him again treat him like that was all it was. No one "wins" in sex so don't let this get you down.

I too have been there and learned the hard way.
Then friends get into it too but you can't tell them, cos theirs is always telling the truth while yours was a liar.
I often wonder if, when men are thinking of having an affair, there is a book they send off for. With all the lines and lies in it for them to trot out, cos I swear they all come out with EXACTLY the same shit.
And you have to fall for it once and come out the other side before you know what shit it really is.

if the woman had dumped the man, he wouldn't think of himself as a victim (I generalise). Perhaps this says something about the relative emotional investment in relationships re men and women?

No, he wouldn't be a victim cos he'd just go home to girlfriend and carry on as normal!!

Or are you implying that all of us saying 'we've been there' are victims?

I wasn't dumped, I just slowly came to my senses and then backed off - but there is hurt attached to all the wasted time and more than anything, all the LIES. And from realising how very stupid you've been. That what you thought was a relationship was in fact, nothing. Because the single girl or the partner aren't doing the lying and cheating are they? So they are both the victims. A single woman falling for someone who is telling her a load of lies - well of COURSE she is putting investing more of her emotions into the relationship than the man who shags her then goes home to his partner!!
If it was the other way round and a woman was stringing a single man on like that then it would be the 'other man' who was the victim.
Its nothing to do with relative emotional investments from men or women, its to do with whether its a married man or a married woman doing the cheating!!

To the OP - mine was over a long time ago. You have to keep telling yourself that you are worth more than being a bit on the side to a lying cheat. And if he's done it to his partner then he would have done the same to you if he left her for you.

I've got a few long-term male friends who are my 'friends' purely because I haven't slept with them. They stay in touch with me because I am still part of their fantasy ego world ('the one that got away'). They perhaps don't think about this but I know it. In each case, I have some genuine affection and/or respect for them and/or have something in common with them. To me they are kind of my friends because there's a connection there but I also know that, if I did ever sleep with them, I would inevitably lose the friendship along with the end of the relationship. So just because someone has lusted after you for years, and has kept you in their radar for years by being your friend, it doesn't mean they will feel as strongly about you after they have slept with you because sex is not the same as love, the reality is not the same as the fantasy.

He might even have meant the words when he said them (or not) but he probably doesn't remember that now. My guess is that he has more invested with his gf, they live together?, and there is less hassle/fallout/risk in staying with her than in leaving her for you.

Sorry you have been hurt. I know how it feels.

skyatnight- i think you make some good points. Also Flibbertyjibbet.

I empathise/sympathise with lightbeam - the guy has been crap to her- would have been best from him to be more straightforward and give lightbeam the choice but he selfish.

My thoughts are not clear on this but I am thinking that I don't want my daughter felling like a victim everytime a man lies to her: as she will probably feel crap most of her life if she does!

Think he was in lust with you rather than love.

OP - I promise you will count yourself lucky that you escaped, in a while. This sort of ending is really painful and a lot of it is the rejection.

As time goes on you'll see exactly what a selfish brat he is being and the thought of crying over him will seem ridiculous.

I know it's easy to say but it's good to have something to look forward to!

One of the most painful breakups I went through was from a very intense relationship. I constantly checked my phone for messages and cried on the way to work, every day.

In time I realised what a trumped up arrogant egotistical pathetic guy he was and I am bemused by the thought of ever checking my phone for a message from him. In fact I changed my phone number to make sure he couldnt (thought of it made my skin crawl).

Get yourself the book called "He's just not that into you". It is the absolute BEST thing to read in this situation!!

Count yourself lucky. Would you have been able to carry on with having a half relationship? If he didn't have feelings ( Love, Loyalty, Friendship et al) for his current partner then he would have left her. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

My dh when he was having an affair sent the exact ( font, wording and all) emails to both of us within minutes. His rationale for having an affair was that home had become too comfortable, and there was no sense of danger/excitement. As soon as he thought he was going to lose that he ditched the OW and started chasing me again. He has since told me that he would never have left me for her, as he only ever saw her as a happy person as he only saw the good bits. When I found out about it and she became miserable he was not interested - I wasn't such a bad stick after all . That makes him sound a bit of a fickle bastard, and I guess he is.

I am not sure of the statistics, but I would not be suprised if very few men leave their wives for the OW.

My guess is your "friend" is telling his partner that he loves her , will never leave bah, blah de blah.

walk away and count yourself lucky.

I think a bloke with a girlfriend is fair game to be honest, different if he's married, but I do see "girlfriend" as a more casual title, and it's fairly common for young people (as usually older ones are married) to become the new girlfriend/boyfriend by ousting the old one. Happens all the time to teenagers. Avril Lavigne's lyrics "hey, you I don't like your girlfriend... I think you need a new one... I could be your girlfriend" sum it up.
If I was single and really fancied a bloke I wouldn't not see him because he had a girlfriend, as I'd be visualising me as his new girlfriend and her as his ex.
The thing here that would ring warning bells would be him wittering about needing time to leave his girlfriend. You need time to get divorced, but leaving a girlfriend shouldn't be that hard if you are ready to move on.
Different if you have kids, but then I'd see a man who has kids from a girlfriend as effectively married.
It's sad he's not the bloke you thought he was in this case, but better he makes a decision now than continues dithering.

I send you sympathy-it is shit being dumped by anyone at any time, but the point is, you and he had not been waiting 10 years for each other- you both had lives and other partners.

You might have known each other 10 years ago, but that does not mean that you have a 10 year history, in the sense that you were in touch all those years.

It sounds on the surface as if you got down to sex pretty soon- nothing wrong with that- but that you took it to mean he cared more than he did.

As he wasn't married, then he had no reason to delay splitting with his girlfriend, as soon as you and he got together.

It's tough, but next time just learn to take what men say with a pinch of salt- it's what they do that counts.