DH downloading internet on to this phone

[pamelat]

Why would he do this? We have the internet here? Why would he pay to do this rather than just use our broadband? It cost him £20 last month for 10 downloads, is that a standard cost? or he is downloading something dodgy?

Strange times of the day though?

My immediate reaction (I feel sick) is to be suspicious.

I cant get hold of him so have emailed him at work (I know) to ask what its about.

I know he is going to be cross that I opened his mobile bill. I wish I hadn't but as a result of something on mumsnet, which we had a conversation about, I got suspicious because he was so "on side" with the bloke (who was in the wrong).

There is a bit of history. DH has used sex lines in the past. I know some people might be ok with that but i am not and we almost split up.

I mentioned this last week and he actually denied speaking to someone on the other end, although I know he did, he is trying to make me "remember" differently. He also said it was a "different life", it was only 3 years ago. Again, mumsnet topic made me think of it.

There was something else that I was worried about 18 months ago as our car was seen in a dodgy area but I believed him that he was just smoking. I think I still believe this, I just feel confused.

Sorry if this isnt making sense. I feel sick

If he is downloading dodgy videos then I cant be ok with that, he knows that.

Things havent been brilliant since DD arrived (8 months old) but last night we had a big talk about making an effort etc and I felt really positive. I just dont know why he would be downloading the internet on to his phone.

Am I just paranoid, he could be checking email or something????

He even did it at 5am on our holiday, he had gone a drive to try to get our DD back to sleep.

I shouldnt have looked at the bill, I know. I just wanted to look to check that he doesnt still call sex lines, because of how he reacted when I spoke about it.

It might be nothing????? He will now fall out with me for opening the bill anyway - I do open most bills but not the phone one.

I agree with Dittany

No They Don't! As Dittany says, this is something they say to try to bully you into accepting that they choose to do this. Sorry, but he knows how you feel about it and his attitude that it is not a big deal and then lying about it, shows a total disregard for the way you feel about it and a lack of respect for you.
Why do you have to try to be ok about it? Why can't he be ok with your feelings on the issue? It all sounds a bit one sided to me. And yet he thinks it is ok for him to be angry about you sharing personal stuff on MN? Hypocrite!

I am quite confused about this.

The temptation is to roll over, forgive it and get on with our lives.

He is saying that at least he isn't talking on sex lines, chatting girls up, having sex with prostitutes etc.

I know that he could be doing a lot worse, but thats not really the point.

He has said that he will stop looking (but I don't believe him). He says that he is happy to no longer have a mobile phone, but thats not practical really as he sometimes travels with work and I don't like to think of being totally out of contact. Anyway, you should be able to just not do something rather than have the means taken away.

I dont know.

We are at a wedding tomorrow and I am worried that I will have a few glasses of wine and get upset.

Have had a look at the sites that he has looked at, they aren't that bad - but again, the point is that this has happened in the past (but worse) and i was promised it was over.

I think it is a big deal actually.
Of course he has agreed to stop - because he also agreed that before and it didnt.

He either wants to stop or he doesnt - i think he actually doesnt want to stop at all but knows that by at least making an effort to stop for now op will 'forgive' and when the dust has settled he will find other ways of hiding his 'habit'.

I also think a lot of men do look at it and for a lot of woman that is ok. But if it causes a problem then it is not ok.

You may be able to get to a point where you are more comfortable with it but what he is doing is making it a bigger deal because he KNOWS you dont like it and yet still continues to disresect you.

He could have discussed it first and then when you agree what is acceptable to you BOTH go ahead.

I think it's a bit like smoking. Lots of people do that, wish they didn't, and sometimes hide sneaky fags from their partners. They don't stop because they quite like it and don't want to really, plus its annoying being dictated to.

I sympathise with your view of porn (not a fan myself), but if you have made your feelings clear, you can only expect him to generally keep it to a bare minimum, not wave it in your face etc. I don't think its fair to make it a sacking offence: HE hasn't decided he hates porn and never wants to look again, YOU have, and I don't think that's realistic.

I know there will be people who disagree, but I really don't think you can do more than voice your disapproval - if you become the person who BANS what he no doubt sees as something harmless (I know you don't, but that's not how he'll see it) you will become a moany old harridan spoiling his fun in his eyes. Add that to things going off the boil in the bedroom for a while = more secrets, and you getting upset.

If you can tell him you don't like it, but then move on and enjoy your time together, it will all seem much less appealing.

Hope you are ok though, I know it must be upsetting, but you really don't have to make this ENORMOUS, IYSWIM. Take care x

HappyWoman, thats how I feel.

I feel that I should not make him stop (as dont believe you should change people) but it makes me unhappy and anxious, and I feel that he will carry on doing it anyway (despite promises) so I feel that our relationship is tainted

I know its not a huge huge deal and that far worse happens to people but I feel now that I cant trust him/dont know him properly.

If we weren't married and did not have DD, I would consider walking away (I do still love him but I dont like feeling hurt)

Yesterday we were at a wedding (free bar too) and I kept my promise to not confide to any of my girl friends, but I definately felt anxious all day and felt like maybe he fancied everyone other than me. I think post baby your confidence is low anyway and now I just feel inferior

DH is telling me to "keep some perspective".

I do know that it isn't the end of the world, it has just made me a bit anxious, thats all.

Just had a huge row on the way to his sisters bday meal and DD and I have got out of the car and walked home.

I think this whole porn thing has made me question his honesty.

I asked in the week how much money we were giving to his sister. Obviously its up to him but we are pretty broke, he can only get a part time job and I am on maternity leave. He told me an amount (on Friday) and it transpires today that its more than that - but he had lied (once again) to me.

Its not the amount thats important but this persistent "fibbing".

It has basically been blown out of proportion

DD unwell (ear infection) and very clingy to me today so she couldn't go to the meal without me. I now have her for the afternoon, with no idea whether or when he will come home.

More annoyingly, he said that he is going to tell his family that I don't want to give X amount. Its not about that, they don't know about all the other stuff so it will look out of context.

Lots of nasty things were said (in the road?!) and now I am home alone feeling very sad about the state of my relationship.

why cnat he wor full time?
do you think you are a bit controlling?

Hewas working 3 days a week
haand the company cant afford 5 but he sometimes does 4.

He has never looked outside that company to fill the other days

not really but I think maybe i have high expectations and might have put him on a pedastal?

Pamelat doesn't sound controlling to me. She sounds like she's trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and that he's given her plenty of reason to be suspicious.

Pamelat - I hope your DD feels better soon. I'm sure you've tried the magic Calpol?

its not about the money

its just that this all kicked off on thus, lots of apologises and big efforts and then friday he fibs unnecessarily to me.

Again I know its not a big deal in itself, it just feels relentless and false?

Hi - it's Pamelat's husband here. The source this thread and all things evil.

Pamelat has gone out and left herself logged in but I am also now a member of this website.

Hopefully soon you'll finish casting judgement on me, don't forget that you don't know me -or my wife - and frankly some of the 'advice' that you appear to be offering is not particularly helpful. Maybe you would all be better off looking after your children than poking your nose into other people's business.

I do not lie to my wife and she and my daughter are the most important things in my life. I have apologised for what I've done, noone has died and I hoped that we might be able to get on with things. Perhaps, those of you that are encouraging more suspicion could remeber that there are always two sides to every story and that there are real families behind these silly chatrooms.

Feel free to reply to Pam. I won't be on here again.

oh i love it when hs come on.
weirdos

I also think you do need some perspective. You say that you have trust issues: it is very hard and frustrating to live with a partnr who is contstantly snooping and whining and demanding reassurance.
Just for a change, consider if you had a partner who always had to know where you were going, who you were speaking to, etc, and insisted you change the way you dressed/your job or monitored all your communications to make sure you were never even thinking about Anyone Else. It;s a grim way to live.
I think everyone has to allow a partner a reasonable amount of privacy of thought and communication. People are not property and obsessive monogamism and 'having trust issues' is controlling behaviour no matter which gender you are.

thast hwat i said abotu controlling
let him decide the ££ for the present
stop beign his mum

Are you OK, Pamela?

Hi all

I don't have internet access at home (laptop has broken) at the moment, am on the computer at my parents.

Want to apologise to you all for moaning and for DH coming online.

We had an awful day yesterday. He came back unexpectantly from the bday meal and as you can imagine, it wasn't pleasant.

Anyway, trying to put it behind us.

Up late talking and hoping to work things out. Its probably about more than singular events and about years of stuff, its difficult to put things in to context online.

Anyway, am sure DH is also sorry to have posted on here, especially as me. We were both out of order yesterday.

Sorry all

x

PS) DD then woke from 2am until 5am with her ear infection and teething - will take that as my punishment!

Fucking hell Dittany, that's a nasty, creepy site!

Religious opponents of pornography always have a far more toxic view of sexuality, women and especially women's sexuality than the majority of porn makers, performers and consumers.