Am I a control freak or is this WELL out of order?

[skidaddle]

OK DH is extremely laid-back to the point of it not being a good thing. He is a great dad in almost all respects, does more than his share of childcare, especially atm as I am working nearly full-time hours BUT he takes his laid-back attitude tto the extreme.

Here are some of the things he does:

1. gives DS, 9 months, milk (EBM) which has been lying around half-drunk for 4-5 hours

1. thinks it's hilarious when DD (nearly 3) wants to play lean back on a chair until it falls over

1. doesn't think to change DS's nappy except maybe once or twice in the whole day so he ends up with a sore bum because he's been sitting in poo for hours

1. leaves DD in the bath by herself and doesn't have a hand out when DS is in the bath and he has fallen under the water and been really upset a few times (he would never leave the room when DS was in the bath)

1. never bothers with suncream (although neither has ever got burnt)

1. leaves DS unstrapped in his highchair while he goes upstairs to the loo etc - did this with DD as well and she once fell out and hit her head on the tiled floor

1. OK and here is the really bad one - has left DS in the car by himself while he and DD went to the supermarket - this happened a while ago (in the SUMMER) when DS was only tiny as well - he got a right bollocking for that though and hasn't (he says) done it since

Now I KNOW the last one is serious, but would the rest of the things drive you mad as well or AIBU and need to calm down and be grateful he does so much - I honestly don't know which it is so tell me MN jury!

I think you know the answer yourself he sounds like an idiot.

OMG how can you stand it!!!!

Some of the things on your list are a matter of opinion, but leaving your child unattended in a car is incredibly irresponsible.

thats not laid back - thats being fucking useless and dangerous to boot!

yanbu, tbh all of the things you mentioned are dangerous, especially in the bath and highchair, he is endangering your children. I wouldn't be grateful at all, i'd be doubting his competence.

to go a stage further, if my dp did one of those things more than once i wouldn't let him look after dd.

Firstly - 'grateful' shouldn't come into it, they are his kids too.
He is far too lazy imo - not laid back. I'm about as far from paranoid health and safety nut as you can get but some of these things are just ridiculous.
Did he start strapping dd in the highchair after she fell out? - if not i'd seriously wonder about his thought processes.
Strangely, out of your list, the one that makes me most angry is that your poor ds gets left in a shitty nappy for hours. How uncomfortable and painful for him does your dh not see the effects of this? dont know how he could knowingly let it happen.
You cant not know when a baby has pooed either. Poor mite.

There's laid-back and there's neglectful. Several of these are neglectful - cruel, even.

Well, you can take the EBM thing off your list, that should be fine. One less thing to worry about, but as for the others, hmm, I would be very annoyed too. In fact, furious and unable to trust him any more with the dcs.

oh my goodness i didn't expect such definite answers - to defend him slightly - yes he did start strapping DD in after she fell out but I suppose has forgotten since or else knows I'll do it. Poo-ey nappy wise - to be fair we use cotten nappies with wraps and it is sometimes hard to tell as compared to when using disposables - but then again I just check if I'm not sure - I don't think he does.

oh really mawbroon re EBM - even when he drank half of the bottle a few hours previously?

Yes re the EBM

It has antibacterial properties so does not behave in the same way as formula.

HTH with respect to that point!

Some peopel just havent' been taught how to care for children. If they haven't had experience of younger children when they were growing up things which are just plain obvious to everyone else my not occur to them.

It sounds as if he is "living and learning" and needs a crash course in child care.

When DS1 was tiny, DS would have fed him EBM that had been in our heated bedroom all night. He soon learnt from my response this was not a safe thing to do!

I think so of those things aren't too bad . Not parenting at it's best but not off the wall neglectful.. kind of 1970's style parenting .. I am from the more laid back school of parenting myself though.. definately agree about leaving in car though.. that is definately NOT a good idea for so many reasons..

I don't think some.. oops

but I think that is OK Lynette to use EBM again (se mawbroon's link above)

that's interesting to hear a slightly different view molly - he was raised very strictly and given very little independence so that might explain the way he parents to some extent

I've managed to read the link now....so DH wouldn't have poisned DS after all...and even though I got freaked out about him dressing DS in un-cordinated clothes, it doessn't seem to have done any lasting damage.

I agree with Molly actually,

1. ebm - not a problem
2. leaning back on chair - possibly dangerous but she'll learn....
3. depends how upset ds gets - presumably not much if your dh doesn't notice?
4. as long as he doesn't leave a baby alone in the bath
5. you say they've never got burnt, so where's the problem?
6. if your floor is as hard as ours I wouldn't do that.
7. agree that was a v v bad idea.

I don't think you need to be 'grateful', as Astropup says, but I do think your children are lucky to have a fun & involved dad. Albeit a careless one. BUT only because you sound more sensible than him so hopefully you'll stop him doing the really daft stuff again. Two parents like him might be a bad idea but together you probably make a great team.

Numbers 6 & 7 very very naughty. But all the others I will confess to. But what the heck....I'm a parenting slattern.

well I only mean grateful in terms of most women don't have husbands who look after their children more than half of the time - not that I am forever indebted to him or anything!

I just don't want to turn into an awful nagging wife, don't do this, don't do that - but obviously I don't want to put my children at risk either. I am usually there when DS is in the highchair/bath, and I change his nappy often so it isn't an issue most of the time (for DS) but then I think I shouldn't have to be undoing all the wrongs he's done that day - he shouldn't do them in the first place. Maybe we need to sit down and have a serious chat...

Oh FGS if a mother had those standards, we wouldn't call her fun and involved, we'd call her neglectful.

No I don't think you're being a control freak. I think he's a lazy bastard.

And I'm furious with anyone who leaves a baby in a dirty nappy for hours - it's fucking cruel.

actually littlebella - that's exactly what it is - laziness - i can't believe that has never occurred to me before! Now that I think about it, when I come home at 5pm, usually the breakfast dishes are still on the table along with the lunch dishes and the house is a tip. Now I know from experience you can't be expected to keep the house perfect when looking after 2 DCs but strangely I always manage to at least wash the dishes (and put on a wash, tidy up a bit, maybe even do some hoovering...)

I might add that I didn't make a habit of it.