Am I a control freak or is this WELL out of order?

[skidaddle]

OK DH is extremely laid-back to the point of it not being a good thing. He is a great dad in almost all respects, does more than his share of childcare, especially atm as I am working nearly full-time hours BUT he takes his laid-back attitude tto the extreme.

Here are some of the things he does:

1. gives DS, 9 months, milk (EBM) which has been lying around half-drunk for 4-5 hours

1. thinks it's hilarious when DD (nearly 3) wants to play lean back on a chair until it falls over

1. doesn't think to change DS's nappy except maybe once or twice in the whole day so he ends up with a sore bum because he's been sitting in poo for hours

1. leaves DD in the bath by herself and doesn't have a hand out when DS is in the bath and he has fallen under the water and been really upset a few times (he would never leave the room when DS was in the bath)

1. never bothers with suncream (although neither has ever got burnt)

1. leaves DS unstrapped in his highchair while he goes upstairs to the loo etc - did this with DD as well and she once fell out and hit her head on the tiled floor

1. OK and here is the really bad one - has left DS in the car by himself while he and DD went to the supermarket - this happened a while ago (in the SUMMER) when DS was only tiny as well - he got a right bollocking for that though and hasn't (he says) done it since

Now I KNOW the last one is serious, but would the rest of the things drive you mad as well or AIBU and need to calm down and be grateful he does so much - I honestly don't know which it is so tell me MN jury!

I think you need to sit and say what you are prepared to 'let go'

What mother has not left her baby in a dirty nappy and they have a sore bot? I know i have .

I think we have all made mistakes and although that is not an excuse to not learn.

I think if he has learnt from it then you should let it go if it continues then there may be more of a problem.

But it is very hard work looking after children and with no real break (as a professional childminder gets) it is incredibly hard.
I know my h used to think the place was a mess and i should have had everything organised proir to him walking in the door. It was only when he was forced to spend 5 months at home that he actually saw just how much work these small people create - suddenly fishfingers and frozen chips were acceptable on the menu again and that was with 2 of us at home full time too.

Hopefully you can work on this together.

actually littlebella i would not call her neglectful i would call her stressed and in need of some help (which i would hopefully willingly give).

Too often people are quick to judge - we are all human and learn - hopefully most of us have help to call upon in our hour of need but unfortunately not everyone is so lucky.

Sorry but soiled nappies, dangerous situations and leaving children unattended are all examples of neglect in my opinion.

If we were talikng about street children in third world countries we may be looking at this from a different perspective but his behaviour is far from normal.

HW the two are not mutually exclusive.

I just hate the way we make excuses for men who neglect their children because they can't be arsed to do the job properly. This guy doesn't sound stressed, he sounds lazy and he doesn't sound in need of help, he sounds in need of a good kick up the erse.

I would think he would not leave ds in a chair on his own after your dd fell out fgs, he obviously doesn't learn. I think not quite 3 is too young to be left in the bath, and the car is just stupidity.
The sitting around in poo is disgusting, can't he smell it. I would be livid with htis, sore bums are no laughing matter, he has obviously never had one. i have known adults with the most awful open wounds from this, from doing help at home work.
He really does need to be more careful, I don't believe you can be too careful, a high chair is very high when you are 9 mths old. He could break his neck, or fall on something hard, or get his leg caught in the strap, ALL sorts of things.
You are not being unreasonable, kids need us to teach them what is safe and what isn't. He may regret his lax attitude one day, though I hope not.

Horrified at leaving a 3 year old in the bath and leaving baby in high chair, disgusted at leaving baby in dirty nappy. Lazy fucker. I simply cannot understand why anyone would a) willingly endanger their child's life and b) knowingly allow them to get sore and painful bits. Unbelievable.

don't know why people are defending him?
my dp left dd on bed and she rolled off and headbutted the cabinet, ended up in a and e, it shocked us both and she is never left anywhere now, but we both learned from that mistake and god help dp if he did it again.

There's not much point in him looking after the dc if he can't be trusted, it doesn't exactly take the pressure off you. If you had a childminder like this they would be well and truly sacked with no reference. yanbu

I have never knowingly left my child in a dirty nappy.

This is awful. I couldn't bear it. I would not be able to function for worrying.

The leaving your ds in the car made me go cold just reading. Sorry but I don't think I would be able to leave my children with their father if he behaved like this. It is neglectful.

Yes, everyone makes mistakes, havent we all had the rolling off the bed, or the slipping under the bath water or forgetting to strap in the buggy thing?.....Once. You don't just keep doing the same things over again.

My neighbour had a DS of 3 who drowned in the bath on his own. This is not a bloody fabulous idea. Just because it's boring to sit with them, doesn't mean it's ok to leave them in the bath on their own.

I agree with minkyborage. I provide childcare and teach preschool from my home and if I ever did ANY of those things with the children in my care and the parent found out, their child would be pulled out and I would probably be reported. You can't compare your own behaviors to those around you and say well, if they do it, it must not be so bad. There is a right way of doing things and instead of seeing how close you can get to "the line" that seperates neglect from say, innocent laziness, we all should be striving to reach far above that line providing the absolute best care for our children.

I wouldn't leave my dh alone with the children if he 'looked after' them this way

nonsense, strap the babies to him...he won't get anything done without noticing. Not the dirty nappy nor the car is excuseable. If the baby has a sore bottom due to your husband (or you for that matter) then literally put yourself in their place. There is no better understanding than experience. If it happens again after that then protective services will take care of it. I'm certain there are clear rules for several of those examples you have given...aren't there?
First time parents make lots of mistakes...lots...but the idea is to protect and nurture, not make mistakes and ignore. Sorry if the words are strong. They are meant to be but to everyones benefit.

For me there's two things going on here. The first is how dangerous or not those things are now in this household we're pretty laid back to the point that lots of mummy's from the toddler group think I'M neglectful so here's how I would react!

1. gives DS, 9 months, milk (EBM) which has been lying around half-drunk for 4-5 hours

not too worried, tbh I read some interesting studies about the extent to which excessive cleanliness idea about the sterisling, throw bottle away if they've been touched etc things can backfire.

1. thinks it's hilarious when DD (nearly 3) wants to play lean back on a chair until it falls over.

Now I don't think its funny (DS does this) but I did get to the point of saying well fine you'll fall off you know. I would check for really dangerous tuff but then let him get on with it usually popping a pillow or something in the likely crash zone (I dont' know because we've realised that DS developmental disorder means he DOESN'T learn from pain)

1. doesn't think to change DS's nappy except maybe once or twice in the whole day so he ends up with a sore bum because he's been sitting in poo for hours

This does annoy me, DS doesn't notice sensation/pain/discomfort so you really do have to check frequently with him and its just one of those things you learn to do every hr or so as a parent. Its not massivly dangerous but it is leaving your child uncomfortable.

1. leaves DD in the bath by herself and doesn't have a hand out when DS is in the bath and he has fallen under the water and been really upset a few times (he would never leave the room when DS was in the bath)

yeah OK I'm a terrible mum, I leave DS in the bath all the time have done since he was 2, I go into the next door room and tidy papers or something or nip downstairs for a bottle/towel etc. Nowadays he has a stool and can get out of the bath on his own so I just let him get on with it. The rest of the time I take a book and cuppa in there with me. Mind oyu not sure how old your DS is but I never left him on his own until he could not only sit up but also stand and walk.

1. never bothers with suncream (although neither has ever got burnt)

do you mean they've never got badly burnt or that they literally havn't ever got even a bit red? if they havn't ever goen red then actually he's judged the severity of the sun pretty well. I was VERY careful with DS until he turned 1 but after that i just judge it. If we're out for longer than an hour on a scorcher of a day i take/use suncream. If he has his top off i use suncream but I don't regulary put suncream on. I have to say this summer except for 2 days at the beach and one lone week in June when it was hot enough to have the paddling pool out I don't think I really used suncream at all.

1. leaves DS unstrapped in his highchair while he goes upstairs to the loo etc - did this with DD as well and she once fell out and hit her head on the tiled floor

Yeap thats dangerous, actually I wouldn't leave them in a highchair on their own.

1. OK and here is the really bad one - has left DS in the car by himself while he and DD went to the supermarket - this happened a while ago (in the SUMMER) when DS was only tiny as well - he got a right bollocking for that though and hasn't (he says) done it since

thats neglect and thats the one you need to focus on. I can imagine me or DH doing any of the above, but leaving a small child in a car is just completly out of line, anyone else who took your baby out and then left them alone you woudl report to SS/police - why does he get off?

Now for the second part, which for me is almost more important. The issue is he is doing things that YOU FEEL put your children at risk. To me alot of this says that he is laidback /uncaring nto only about the childresn safety but also about your relationship. It feels like he isn't taking any of this very seriuosly.

the poo and the bath are very bad imo.

YANBU

sunshineandshowers is correct. If the baby is a girl (although boys can too but less likely because of the obvious) being in a poo for hours can almost always subject them to UTI. If you don't catch the red flags with this it can go to the kidneys and the fever can spike in a matter of minutes.
It doesn't take much to drown a child or choke them on water. Also if they swallow the bath water they can get all sorts of problems (remember that dirty bottom is in the tubwater too) so you really should be in there (the room, not the tub) with them from start to stop.

OK-what about this. Eight weeks ago, whilst in the care of her mum my GD licked something that wasn't good. It was something her dad used to clean his fish tank. She is 18 months old & her dad was downstairs scalding her toothbrush ready to clean her teeth whilst she was upstairs with her mum (being dried after her bath). This stuff was apparently in the spare bedroom. She was rushed to A & E who discharged her with no ill effects. Next day her mum left saying my son was irresponsible & could not be trusted. Neither he nor us have seen either of them since. Controlling or what?

Without the rest of the story midlandsmumof4, it's impossible to say if your DIL is madly controlling. If this is the culmination of a series of near misses due to carelessness, then no, it's not controlling, it's the straw that broke the camel's back.

midlandsmumof4, It was responsible to take the baby to the emergency. Babies will and do get into everything and they are fast to put whatever in their mouths. They explore their world with their mouths at that age but fish tanks, and animals in general are dirty and can spread bacterial contaminants such as salmonella. This is why when at a petting zoo they wash the childrens hands with sanitizer after they are done touching the animals. A child that bathes in a dirty tub and puts the water in their mouth can get bacterial infections too.

Thanks for all your responses - apart from the leaving DS in the car and highchair, both of which are completely unacceptable, I do feel I need to defend DH slightly..

If he was sure DS had done a poo, he would definitely change him although not necessarily immediately (he thinks I am being ridiculous when I jump up and change him the second he's done a poo) and might get distracted with something else so it could be a while. however, DS often does need a change and DH doesn't realise so he ends up with a sore bum.

Re baths, he would NEVER trot off downstairs to read the paper or anything while DD is in the bath, just nip next door for a towel or something like that - but I wouldn't even do this personally

Also he would be fine with most safety issues such as walking safely down the road, holding hands to walk on walls, strapping in and helmets on when on the bike, strapping in car seats etc etc

It's more little things that aren't out-and-out dangerous but just don't sit right with me - for example when I have a shower, I always bring DS with me and leave DD with some kind of entertainment so I know DS will be safe but he just leaves them both downstairs - I know they will probably be fine but it jsut makes me a bit nervous IYKWIM. I find it really hard to address all these issues with him as I don't want to be a nagging wife. I feel like I am quite laid-back mum but compared to him I feel like I'm really highly-strung...