why does it feel like grandparents/ inlaws are a compulsary component in kids lives?

[KarisTiasMum]

are they? is it essential for children to have regular input from grandparents whilst growing up? I did, and i have turned out ok... but it turns out my parents are becoming a total nuisance. My partner does not get on with them at all.. not now, they have had some pretty bad arguments regarding their involvment with DD and the affect they have on her behaviour. Unforgiveable things have been said on both parts so i cannot expect any miracles with them making up..ever.
My parents are not bad people at all, and on some things i think my dh has got them wrong. but on somethings he is definetly right.. and is just standing up for me and what i believe in.
When dd was first born, i suffered quite badly with depression and my mum took over the baby..and i wrongly (although not consciously) allowed that. as i got better, she didnt step back and i was pushed aside a bit and really lost my role as 'mum'. dd is three now, and things have really changed and we have a great bond.. but that only survives if i keep her away from my mother. as soon as they have contact again, dd's behaviour changes, our relationship changes and i feel undermined. My mum really spoils her and reinforces that initial bond they once had.. so for a few days follwoing the visit, i loose my daughter. She wets herself, wakes up in the night v. unsettled etc.

So am i wrong to have cut off access completely from my parents? when they see her, it causes real problems with dh as he just doesnt see why it is compulsary for grandparents to have access even when they have such a negative effect. He rightly argues that if it was a neighbour or a friend having this effect on my baby that i would cease contact immediately. and i agree... its just not so easy when its my mum and dad.

advice and opinions would be really appreciated.. i just cant help feeling guilty, although i am not sure i should!?

I haven't read the full post but I do think that, where possible, grandparents should be an importnat part of your child's life. What will you do if she asks you years form now why she was not able to see them? You are taking away an importnat part if her history by keeping them at arms' length. Lots of grandparents spoil their grandchildren although yours may be extreme. Keep chipping away at them about how you would like things.

Secondly, what kind of relationship do you expect to have with your parents, who you do seem very loyal to,if you go ahead with this? You must think carefully about this.

It doesn't have to be as black and white as you make things sound. You don't have to side with your parents OR your husband. You can come to a middle ground, although if my husband mentioned cutting all ties with my parents he'd be told where to go.
I would reduce grandparent influence to no more than weekly, which sounds as though it has already happened and ask them not to spoil her as you're concerned about her behaviour.
Stepparents do view kids differently, and it may be your parents have a closer bond with your daughter than her stepfather and he feels threatened by them and is trying to push them away.
My exes parents spoil my son, but they love him and don't see him that often as they live some distance away so I just accept it. They love him dearly though and happily have him in holidays and buy him things. I'm prepared to put up with some dodgy behaviour after seeing them for the longterm good of having extra loving adults in his life.
If they lived nearer I'd probably have said more about the behaviour.
Don't cut your parents out, just get them to back off a bit which sounds as though it is already happening.
Tell your husband to be more mature as well, and don't whine to him about how much your parents spoil your daughter unless you want him to come out with the obvious "stop them seeing her then" answer. Men aren't into just listening to someone vent, they look for solutions, which may not be what you need. Do you have siblings?

It is normal for GPs to 'spoil' GCs and then for the GCs to be a bit badly behaved for a couple of days after because they are missing being spoiled.

It is normal for GPs to do things slightly differently to the way you would do it. So long as they are not physically hurting your children or trying to mess with their minds then does it matter if they do things slightly differently for the short amount of time they are visiting?

I think your situation is a slightly deeper issue than this though. Do you think your DD is confused about who her mother is? If she bonded with her GM instead of you for the first weeks of her life then was taken away from her this would have hurt your DD! When she visits her then leaves her again this would bring back the memory of losing her the first time. This isn't a conscious memory because babies don't really 'think' but something that is kind of recorded in her 'instincts'. Her behaviour could be the way she reacts to this as well as because of 'spoiling'.

I am not saying this to make you feel guilty or to hurt you because PND was not your fault! You have been through a lot and it sounds like you have done well.

I feel scared about saying this but I think the main problem here is that you feel jealous of the bond your DD has with your mother. I know this really hurts. It may hurt your mother as well to separate from your DD. You feel scared of losing your baby to your mother and I think it is perfectly natural for you to feel this. While you are feeling 'extreme' at the moment because you have been through so much, it might seem like the best thing is to cut off from your parents but I think this would just hurt everyone more than anything in the long term. Don't make a hasty decision.

I think it will be a gradual process to build and build the bond between you and your DD and for her to trust that she isn't going to be suddenly separated from you like she was from GM!

It sounds like a good idea what somebody said for your DD to see her GM for a regular time slot for a short time once a week with you there as well to be in charge and override any bad childcare decisions. If DD gets used to this and feels secure that she is going to see GM regularly and not lose her completely she may not react so much after leaving her after a visit. In the meantime she will be deepening her bond with you over time because she is spending more time with you than GM now and gradually her bond with GM will become less important til it is just like a normal average GP/GC relationship. You have to be patient though I think.

It might help to read about attachment disorders on the internet to get an idea of things from your DD's point of view. I don't think people should underestimate how bonding issues affect newborns and I don't think you are just overreacting about the way your DD reacts to the GP visits.

I hope this post hasn't brought up too many painful feelings for you.

I think Acting Normal gives some really good advice here.

I also think you might want to consider working on your own relationship with your parents, specifically your mum. You say you've talked to them about the situation a lot which is great, but perhaps spending some time with your mum, doing normal things - with or without your daughter - will help the two of you remember why you value each other for yourselves and normalise your relationship again. It's always difficult to judge someone else's situation because only you know how certain actions make you feel, but it seems to me that you do love your mum. It would be nice for you if you could regain a friendship with her. And in turn that can only be good for your daughter.