why does it feel like grandparents/ inlaws are a compulsary component in kids lives?

[KarisTiasMum]

are they? is it essential for children to have regular input from grandparents whilst growing up? I did, and i have turned out ok... but it turns out my parents are becoming a total nuisance. My partner does not get on with them at all.. not now, they have had some pretty bad arguments regarding their involvment with DD and the affect they have on her behaviour. Unforgiveable things have been said on both parts so i cannot expect any miracles with them making up..ever.
My parents are not bad people at all, and on some things i think my dh has got them wrong. but on somethings he is definetly right.. and is just standing up for me and what i believe in.
When dd was first born, i suffered quite badly with depression and my mum took over the baby..and i wrongly (although not consciously) allowed that. as i got better, she didnt step back and i was pushed aside a bit and really lost my role as 'mum'. dd is three now, and things have really changed and we have a great bond.. but that only survives if i keep her away from my mother. as soon as they have contact again, dd's behaviour changes, our relationship changes and i feel undermined. My mum really spoils her and reinforces that initial bond they once had.. so for a few days follwoing the visit, i loose my daughter. She wets herself, wakes up in the night v. unsettled etc.

So am i wrong to have cut off access completely from my parents? when they see her, it causes real problems with dh as he just doesnt see why it is compulsary for grandparents to have access even when they have such a negative effect. He rightly argues that if it was a neighbour or a friend having this effect on my baby that i would cease contact immediately. and i agree... its just not so easy when its my mum and dad.

advice and opinions would be really appreciated.. i just cant help feeling guilty, although i am not sure i should!?

Sounds like a perfectly natural reaction to seeing exciting nanny (ie she doesn't behave exactly as you would like) is being used as a stick to beat your parents with. My boys are never calm around their granny.

It is starting to seem like you need to separate some issues here.

So your DP wants you to cut all ties with your parents because he and they don't get on? Why don't they get on?

What is it that your parents do that is so bad? You still haven't said.

What do you think they do that makes her like this aftre seeing them?

i dont reallt know what my mother does, she doesnt really have to do much? even when she just talks to dd on the phone her behaviour kind of changes.. she has never really listened to my requests or preferences about the way i parent dd... and does things her own way.. which some people think is ok but i just dont and she knows that. if i am trying to enforce something, its very difficult when such a strong influence in my dd's life does the opposite.

i dont know what to say really... i really need to hear peoples opinions about this as i am so scared of losing sight of what is important here and make a wrong decision.. but i do know i cannot go on like this.. no one really knows where they stand, everyone is getting hurt and i am stuck in the middle.

Are they essential? No. Is it generally a good thing for children? Yes I think it is. As many well-intentioned and varied adults as possible IMO. And I am not entirely sure what it is about your parents that is so terrible. I think grandparents often have that effect on children don't they?

It does seem that you are stuck between two people who want to control you and your dd. Maybe some counselling would help you to see what is really going on and make some decisions in your own time.

inwould love it dd was just excited after viting nanny, because they have a normal relationship and she gets a but spoilt... but it is definitly more than that. maybe i havent explained it very well, or maybe it been going on here so long that i have missed massive points? but its just not normal!?

dh and parents dont get on because they have never listened or respected me.. and he is really infuriated by it. his behaviour has actually been apalling towards them recently, which is what i meant earlier about the real issues being over shaddowed. but his orignal beef was in support of me, and what i believed in. i just hate his ways of dealing with things.
inexcusable i do know and i find it very upsetting, he is very much like that.. with everyone. ex paratrooper.. very military about everything and doesnt take any shit.. and if needs he to make a point, he makes it... whoever he hurts.

wow.. you people are good and squeezing out the details!

A couple of things spring to mind for me.

Contact with GP/IL is not essential to a child in my mind, 3 of my grandparents had died by the time I was 12 months old and I only saw my remaining GM a few times a year until she died when I was 11. If it is possible to have contact I do thing there is a lot of value to be added though.

I think you should maintain contact with your parents. from other posters it seems that the testing behaviour after being spoilt by GM is normal. Set the boundaries with your parents about what behaviour from DD is acceptable and explain that they must stick to that.

You need to work through your own issues/insecurities. Reading between the lines I believe the key issue for you is your daughters bonds with your mother. She can have more than one strong bond and I don't think this will damage your relationship. I think some counselling could be good for you.

I also think you need to have a conversation with your DP. I don't think he necessarily being controlling but he is being over protective. He can't decided to cut your parents out of your DD's life on the basis it makes life easier.

Sounds like your DD may be confused and stressed herself about the conflict in these relationships.

She wil be aware of it on some level, which if she has a strong bound with her Grandma, will be very distessing for her.

maybe agree to a regular contact time eg, Alawys Fridays after school, special tea and spoiling at Grandma's. You are not then always trying to control it, everyome knows where they stand, including DD.

If yu can establish a pattern, I suspect Many of DD's behaviours after Grandma's would gradully subside.

Too many people telling you what to do! Did you get any counselling with your depression? Would be well worth getting something now if you can.

Karis

I ynderstand that Dh is reacting because he feels your parents don't respect you. But whatever his intent it is equally hurtful and disrespectful of you for him to be rude and aggressive with your parents.

I think because you recognise that he is motivated by defending you, you are not accepting that what he is soing is not considerate at all of what is good for you.

If he really respects you hen will try and help you find soloutions that make you happy - not just make things worse because he wants to vent.

You don't really seem able to say what you think the problem is, and why she behaves like this and what the issue is with her and your parents.

I really thnk you need to think about what the issue is, before you can resolve it.

Lots of issues here.

Firstly, you need to separate what happened when your dd was born, from what is currently happening between her and your mum at the moment.

It sounds to me from your posts as if you are still carrying an incredible amount of guilt over your depression when she was born, and the loss of that early bond between you, when you had to rely on your mum for support, and that is currently clouding your judgement over the relationship your dd now has with your mum.

I think that before you can tackle the current issues, you need to seak some counselling to help you come to terms with the circumstances surrounding your dd?s first few weeks/months. IMO you will only be able to accept the relationship your dd has with your mum once you?ve forgiven yourself for the relationship you didn?t have with her in the beginning. Once you can accept that your mum had that bond with your dd in the beginning but that you are now her mum, you can start to tackle the current issues with your mum and her treatment of your dd.

Fwiw my ds behaves like the child from hell after he?s spent time with my parents, but that?s because they let him get away with absolute murder. I remember only too vividly going away overnight and coming back to be told that he hadn?t wanted anything for lunch at some show they had gone to, and that he?d been allowed to have a skewer with fudge and marshmallows on it from some chocolate fountain that was all he?d wanted and they?d let him have it! . I don?t like it but ultimately I am the parent and while he may get away with murder at their house, ultimately he comes home to me and I am the one that makes the rules.

as a side issue
do you know if your parents feed your DD anything she doesn't have at home?

My DS's react to a couple of foods which can make them have very adjitated behaviour, poor sleep, emotional behaviour and bowel problems. The symptoms last 24 to 48 hours

Can you give examples of how your Mum undermines you? For instance, my FIL consistently undermines my SIL's authority as a parent - usually in trivial ways, though I would not stand for it. Last time we were all together her DS asked for a biscuit, SIL said no because they would have dinner soon, FIL heard all this but still gave her DS a biscuit!

I agree with others that counselling might help you draw out the real issues here. Best of luck.

i dont think it has anything to do with food/drink etc she is given when she is there because the same thing happend when they come to visit her here and when i am there visiting too..

i didn't have any counselling when i first had dd,i just rode through it and got on with it.. maybe now looking back i should have taken that route as it may have helped me to establish my role a little better..

i do feel guilt, towards my parents and dd and dh... i do feel like this is all a result of my lack of control and respect for myself possibly.

i do not condone dh's behaviour at all, i hate some of the things he has said and done.. if you imagine the worst most hurtful things someone could say to your family then times it by ten, then you will be close.
But i feel an overpowering urge to support him as his original arguement was to help me and let me gain some control over things and i cant now go against him and make him look an idiot..

i am so stuck, i havent really talked about this to anyone, so not sure if posting on here was a good idea or not and its confused me further.. although i am really thankful for everyones honesty.. its nice to have people to confide in who arent in any way involved

My DD sometimes goes and stays on her own with ILs, and I do notice changes in behavior afterwards, I always thought that was par for the course really. But I really think involvement with GPs and other relatives is important, as long as they're not actively toxic so in my view it's well worth it.

IMO you would be making a huge mistake cutting off contact. Maybe you should reduce a little as you have been for a while, or be present yourself during visits and see how things develop. You DD will change and grow up too, maybe in a year's time this will no longer be an issue.

You also need to sort out how you feel about it from how your DP does, I would say that your daughter's feelings should come first here, then yours then your parent's, then your DP's.

Yes you starting to think about things will probably create a bit of a stir because at the moment everyone is trying to tell you what needs to happen and that will throw a spanner into the works.

But slowly slowly you will regain control.
WIll you look into counselling? I'm sure people here will know ways to find it.

This is about you I think - the other stuff is side effects of you being tossed about like a leaf in the wind.

"his original arguement was to help me and let me gain some control over things and i cant now go against him and make him look an idiot.."

Can you see that this is a contradiction? If your DH wants you to have control over things with your parents then that means you having control and if that means having a relationship with your parents that he would prefer you not to have, well that is part of being in control!

Please do consider counselling. You have been through a lot and it could help you.

You haven't said how far the GPs live from you?

I second that you might benefit from talking your whole family situation through with a professional.

Have you and your mother at any point made it clear to your daughter that she (your mother) is her Granny and you are her mother? Did/does granny make this clear when she was/is looking after her?

Can you maybe "start from scratch" with them, i.e. all going to visit grandad and granny, immediately they start doing something that you don't want them to tell them, tell them why you don't want them, and tell them that you as her mother has the final word in this, and that they have to respect that.

I would have a serious problem with them looking after my daughter if they were not making it clear that they are her grandparents and you and your partner are her parents and you and your partner have the final word in her upbringing.

I am much more concerned about the intentions of your partner and his behaviour than that of your parents tbh.

I think you need some space from them, a really good talk with your mum, to tell your husband exactly what the plan is and that its not up to him to decide what happens, some outise councelling to talk over what has happened, and to then slowly reintroduce contact with the gps. Could your daughter be reacting in part to your emotions after a visit? I think visiting should be something you both do together, arrive and leave together. Your plan could be to control the situation and help your daughter develop the right balanced kind of behaviour with her nan, she is at the age where she will act up. Is your husband jealous of your parents? Mine would never try and stop me seeing my family, why is he? Is there something else going on?

Agree totally with more, wise advice. You have to think in terms of what would be best for your dd and her emotional development and also you as her mother and your relatuionship. It's complex because you need to feel supported and empowered but it also sounds as if your dds relationship with her gran is meaningful for her.

as for gps "needing" to be in their grandchildrens lives it's a difficult concept than often requires sensitive handling and compromise.

I don't like and don't get on with MiL I'm fundamentally different for her morally, value set, socially, everything. I find her rude, insensitive, inappropriate and selfish. And I can't help feeling angry with her and FiL for the fact that they offered their 2 boys no emotional support, guidance or containment, hence both of them (one being dh) being very anxious and with low self-esteem. BUT dd loves her, she DOESN'T do things exactly the way I do but she's very loving towards her and they have a great relationship, so I have to breathe deeply and tolerate it.

V hard tho.

I'm inclined to agree with those who suggest that your partner is an additional problem. He does sound very controlling. The proviniciallady is correct, being fully in control doesn't mean doing everything your partner wants, it's doing what you want.

I'd really advise counselling for yourself initially.