Stressed and confused. Dad tried to kill my mum and I dont know what to do with all my feelings

[pinkmama]

Posting in the hope someone can help me clear some of the rubbish in my head. Its a long story, but will try to be succinct. Parents have always had very bad marriage. Split up loads when we were children and always involved us in their mess. All 3 of us grew up fairly insecure and a bit messed up tbh. But that was years ago, and apart from a few blips, i have managed to forge a good adult relationship with my parents, particularly my dad, who despite being a nasty bully as a child, seemed to have changed.

For the last year parents relationship being rocky again, he eventually left. Once again they drew us into the more unpleasant side, expecting us to take sides and so on. I went to visit them 4 weeks ago, dad came over to see us (we live a long way away) and he was awful. Back to being a bully. really upset me and it took me back 30 years. I was really scared of him again.

2 weeks ago I picked up the phone to hear my mum screaming "he is trying to kill me". Had to phone police. I am 300 miles away. It was awful. he really had gone for her. Tried strangling her, hit her with a chair and so on. Horrendous.

Thing is what do I do now. I want nothing to do with him, but then at other times I feel sorry for him (might sound wierd but he is my dad). Cant bear thought of cutting him off from grandkids, but then I think he doesnt deserve them. But added to this mum is still in touch with him and I can see that unbelievably she may end up taking him back.

Where does that leave me and siblings? Anyone else been here? I think about it all the time and it is really stressing me out.

Grim. No advice I'm afraid, hope you find a happy solution.

This resonates with me. When I was a child my parents had terrible arguments, and late one evening when she drove to pick him up from work, he drove them somewhere quiet and tried to strangle her.

I was about 15 at the time. My mother told me about it a few days afterwards. They split up, but later came together again. ~At that age, I had a feeling of powerlessness, and for you the powerlessness is replicated by being so far at a distance.

Can I stress the importance of talking about it with your siblings. I and my siblings didn't talk, so it has festered horribly.

I suppose I wouldn't want to keep granddad and grandchildren apart, unless you felt he might damage them by his presence. Perhaps you could talk to him and set some rules? Bullying/hurting Mum will mean that you will have to stop seeing him? Sorry that is weak advice. Talk to your siblings, find a plan together.

So much of what you say rings true for me -- hearing 'he's trying to kill me' when you are at the end of the phone must be a little like hearing it from your bedroom when you are a powerless child and your parents are fighting downstairs. I hope you find a way through.

Thanks. I was up til 3 this sunday talking to be brother and sister. My brother is much stronger and says that is it, he has to go. I dont think my dad would ever hurt the kids, but his behaviour has an effect in so much as that on the friday when I was on the phone to mum, police, siblings, dd1 (10) ended up parenting her two younger siblings, putting them to bed, quietly sorting everything out, and it reminded me of my childhood, trying to smooth it over and not make it worse. This made my brother furious and he isn't prepared to let dad have that effect on next generation. We resolved on sunday to tell him enough is enough.

But then I woke up and thought about a sad and lonely man growing old with no one. And I know its his own doing, but.....

its the but that is confusing me

I'm so sorry. That sounds awful. Your lovely duaghter, helping out like that. I know how it must have made you feel.

My dad is still alive but my mother is dead. And they divorced a long time ago. The memories and my father's continuing rather controlling attitudes make me fell cold towards him, but we still see each other, and I act exactly as if the past didn't happen.

It shouldn't confuse you. He has a choice as to his behaviour. I'm afraid I agree with your brother. Sorry to be harsh, but people who grow old on their own might very well deserve to do so. I certainly thought so about my dad, even though I felt sorry for him, did he feel sorry enough about me or my DC's to modify his behaviour? No.

When we choose the action, we don't get to choose the reaction. We all have choices to make, and having made them we should not be surprised at the consequences

Your mum makes her own choices too. Don't get dragged into their fights. She is an adult, and should not be acting like a child in front of her children.

Threadwworm, your past resonates with me too. I wish he would just disappear to be honest. I am currently on ad's following a bit of a breakdown at beginning or year. Could do without this really. I guess you are never really free of your past. Thanks for your words x

It is a difficult one to answer when you have not experience with a toxic relationship like this.

Tbh, my instict would be to tell you to have nothing more to do with him. He has forfeited his right to a happy family relationship with you and your DCs. He has abused your mother for years, and it has seriously affected you and your siblings.

I feel very sorry for you and for your mother, that she is not strong enough to leave him.

CW, you are so right. My brother said exactly the same. When has dad ever stopped and thought about how we might be feeling. Unfortunately for my mum she has no idea how not to drag us into it. And this is how it always has been.

CW, can I ask, did you actually have to tell your dad you didnt want contact, or did it just happen that way?

No, I didn't tell him. I was always very afraid of upsetting him, even when I was married with 6 DC's. I just used to avoid him as much as I could. I moved and didn't tell him where I'd gone. I am very ashamed of this because it was weak, but they do have a hold over you that is very difficult to break, even though it is often for the best that you break it.

One day, when I was about 36, my dad said to me "was I really such a terrible father?" And I took a horribly spiteful pleasure in saying to him "yes, you were". Because he was, and he deserved to hear it, imo. But he looked so crestfallen that I had to modify my statement with "but it wasn't your fault, you were ill" (he was an alcoholic).

How's that for a typically screwed-up love/hate relationship?

You really do have my sympathy, and in many ways I'm glad my dad is gone now. (Died of alcohol poisoning ).

Nipping out. will check back later

Funny you should say that TheHedgeWitch but he did try to strangle me when I was 16 because I asked him why he wouldnt let me die my hair black (obviously a henious crime), someone luckily pulled him off me. I look back on that and feel slightly ashamed that I didnt do anything then, but I was so scared and beaten down my them both tbh.

It is indeed a toxic relationship MmeLindt. They are both very damaged people. My dad's dad was a violent bully, and my mum was abused by several men in her childhood. They both ended up manipulative and controlling in different ways.

They created 3 not so damaged children, and my main concern is that I dont pass that onto my 3 dcs.

Maybe I am just a coward. I am actually scared to tell him to get lost.

I feel that I couldn't possibly talk to my dad about his violence towards my mum. He is so distorted in the way he thinks about some things that I'm sure he would say 'That didn't happen' or, even worse 'That only happened because your mother was such a manipulative, impossible person' (true enough but not an excuse for violence).
So it festers in silence. Horrible.

Don't feel bad if you do decide to cut him off. And similarly, set some terms with your mum: you want to help her but you can't do that if she keeps seeing your dad, and there is only so much you can do anyway.

Pink have you had any counselling? It sounds as though you could do with some support of that kind.

You said in your first post

"4 weeks ago, dad came over to see us (we live a long way away) and he was awful. Back to being a bully. really upset me and it took me back 30 years. I was really scared of him again".

It's incredibly difficult to cut a parent out of your life but sometimes their behaviour makes it impossible for you to do anything else. To tolerate his behaviour is to be complicit in it I think.

Is he a good grandparent? My experience of bullies is that sooner or later they will behave like that to anyone they percieve to be weaker than they are - including children.

pinkmama I can't claim to have any real advice for you but it's interesting that you can excuse your parents behaviour based on their childhood experiences and yet have, yourself, turned out balancen and unwilling to repeat the cycle and take personal responsibility for your own behaviour.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that as an adult you've decided that you won't let the past influence the way you parent or behave in front of your children and yet your parents haven't and they did have a choice to. I think this takes great strength of character which probably indicates that you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.

This happened to me. My father is a paranoid schizaphrenic - excuse spelling- and was vilent and a very nasty bully when myself and my three siblings were growing up. They have only very recently split up. As a result I have had numerous problems and am pertrified of him, my brothers marriage has broken down, he stutters and is a bag of nerves, my sister had an eating disorder and my sweet little brother is a ball of rage.

I don't judge my mum as she is a strong believer in marriage but at what cost......... I still have the most vivid nightmares that make me cry and cry and I don't think I will ever get over it...................

Pinkmama, I don't know what to say, except perhaps try to find out if there is some way YOU could get some professional help to help you cope with this. Sadly, it's probably not an unusual situation, so there will be people trained to help family members affected by domestic violence. It must be so hard seeing someone you love hurting someone else you love. Anyone out there know where Pinkmama might start if this is a route she would like to take?

And pink, I don't think you are a coward at all. It takes courage and strength to move past your own childhood experiences and build good and positive relationships with your partner and children. But you lived for many years with a controlling bully, for years you will have been conditioned not to confront him. It's a hard thing to do.

I also think you will need to tell your mother to make a choice - if she continues in this violent and choatic relationship you will not be able to support her.

And pink, I don't think you are a coward at all. It takes courage and strength to move past your own childhood experiences and build good and positive relationships with your partner and children. But you lived for many years with a controlling bully, for years you will have been conditioned not to confront him. It's a hard thing to do.

I also think you will need to tell your mother to make a choice - if she continues in this violent and choatic relationship you will not be able to support her.

You are all so kind and everything you say is so true. This has been quite cathartic for me. Just had a really good cry, brought on largely by thinking about picking up the phone the other day and hearing my mum so scared crying "he is trying to kill me" I spoke to him and he told me he was indeed going to kill her. I said I was ringing the police and he shouted at me not to. Perhaps for first time in 39 years I ignored him and rang. The sad thing is this is what we had all been waiting for. I had always part joked and one day they would be that newspaper story "and then he turned the gun on himself....". I think I have been in a bit of shock really. I havent cried about it until now.

What always amazes me about them both is, I have had several bouts of serious depression, starting from age of 13. My sister has eating disorder and until relatively recently self harmed. My brother is a ball of rage which rarely comes out, but when it does it is hard to watch (aimed at himself, no one else) . But despite all this they always wonder why we are all messed up, and seem never ever to have made the connection.

I suppose I have battled so hard not to let it influence my adult life. A lot has been held in and locked away. SO I suppose it is unrealistic for me not to expect myself to be confused right now when it all gets forced out.

Not sure if any of that makes sense. Maybe I just need to stop expecting so much of myself right now.

Pinkmama, it's an awful lot to deal with over such a long period of time. Please have a think about whether you could go and talk to someone who can help you more than we can (but keep posting, we're here for you)

I'm really glad that it has been of some use to you to speak here. It has been valuable for me too (Sorry to parasitise your thread!).

"But despite all this they always wonder why we are all messed up, and seem never ever to have made the connection." -- that is how my parents have been about my and my siblings difficulties! Such self-deception.

I can imagine how awful it must have been for you, having to confront such a difficult situsation in your adult life that sucked you right back into a diffucult past. You have done really well.

And you are right that you shouldn't place too many expectations on yourself. Enjoy the lovely family that you have made despite your parents; help only where you feel able to; protect yourself as much as you feel you need to. xx

Thank you all. It would probably do me good to go and vent this somewhere. I am now feeling guilty about dd2 who I have mostly ignored this morning, so off to have cuddles and play and try and put this away for a bit.

I have lovely supportive dh, 3 gorgeous dc's, a fantastic sister and brother, and some bloody brilliant friends. I will think about them all this afternoon and not my parents for a bit. Fortunately my mum has now gone to stay with some friends in spain for 2 weeks and it feels like a bit of a holiday for me! Hope that doesnt sound too selfish.

xxxxxxx