Stressed and confused. Dad tried to kill my mum and I dont know what to do with all my feelings

[pinkmama]

Posting in the hope someone can help me clear some of the rubbish in my head. Its a long story, but will try to be succinct. Parents have always had very bad marriage. Split up loads when we were children and always involved us in their mess. All 3 of us grew up fairly insecure and a bit messed up tbh. But that was years ago, and apart from a few blips, i have managed to forge a good adult relationship with my parents, particularly my dad, who despite being a nasty bully as a child, seemed to have changed.

For the last year parents relationship being rocky again, he eventually left. Once again they drew us into the more unpleasant side, expecting us to take sides and so on. I went to visit them 4 weeks ago, dad came over to see us (we live a long way away) and he was awful. Back to being a bully. really upset me and it took me back 30 years. I was really scared of him again.

2 weeks ago I picked up the phone to hear my mum screaming "he is trying to kill me". Had to phone police. I am 300 miles away. It was awful. he really had gone for her. Tried strangling her, hit her with a chair and so on. Horrendous.

Thing is what do I do now. I want nothing to do with him, but then at other times I feel sorry for him (might sound wierd but he is my dad). Cant bear thought of cutting him off from grandkids, but then I think he doesnt deserve them. But added to this mum is still in touch with him and I can see that unbelievably she may end up taking him back.

Where does that leave me and siblings? Anyone else been here? I think about it all the time and it is really stressing me out.

TheHedgeWitch, you are very true. I think why I find it harder to walk away is that I didnt feel like I had a proper dad all my childhood. He applogised to me some years ago and we moved on and since then, for quite some time he has been great with me and the kids. I found it almost therapeutic to see him with dc's, it kind of helped heal something iyswim. The most upsetting thing has been the realisation that the other side of him was there, not that far away. I do owe it to myself and the kids not to put us through his bullying. I do think he is ill right now, but he has to get himself better. No one else can do that for him. This thread has helped me to find the strength to do what I know is the right thing and walk away.

(Might hope he just doesnt ring me though, not sure I am brave enough to say it to him. But then not sure why I feel bad about that. Why should I explain myself to him, he never has to me).

Both your parents have left you and your siblings a damaging legacy. It was deeply unfair (and that is an understatement) of your parents to involve you as children in their mess of a marriage. In that regard they both failed you and your siblings. Small wonder therefore their behaviour has affected you all deeply as adults.

Have you thought about posting your original response on the Stately Homes thread on these pages?. That may be something you want to consider.

"Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward is also a good starting point for adults who grew up in dysfunctional family backgrounds.

Thanks Attila I will look at that thread x

I can relate to everything about your dad, mine was the same (has now passed away).
Was tortured by the same thoughts of him dying a lonely old man (He didn't had a premature death through cancer).
The terrifying hold he had over me lasted until the end.
Unfortunately me and my brothers have terrible tempers now which im sure is a reflection on our upbringing.
We are all far more functional as families though than our parents were, so fingers crossed it won't be passed on.
Must be a sign of the times, he was also an alcoholic bully who lifted his hands at the slightest thing.

I can identify with the temper thing! Have to say he didnt really hit us, we were more controlled with a look, which is hard to explain. Now he is no longer around how does it feel lilaclaire? I ask because I know my dad himself is tortured about never having told his own father what he thought and this seems to have affected him since he died. Whilst I wish he would just disappear (I dont mean die) I wonder if it would really resolve much

Dear Pinkmama,

I have to say I can't really offer a solution. The only real advice I can offer is that you should think about yourself and distance yourself from the situation. I had a family set-up which sounds just the same as yours. Believe me, they are responsible for their own actions, you need to think about you and your family now. It may sound harsh,but you deserve a happy life now, as you didn't get that in the past. You need to distance yourself from the situation for your own sanity. Good luck.

Sorry I am back. Dad managed to catch me on the phone on saturday. He was really wierd. Paranoid, volatile, its all about everyone else and not him at all. He spoke to my sister last night and was the same. The thing is he has said to both of us that he cannot guarantee he will not try to kill mum again. She is currently in spain with friends and due back next week.

I think he is very ill. He is being treated for depression but I think it is much more than that. I am waiting to speak to his GP, not that I know what that will do. I am not so much worried for him, but I am extremely concerned about my mum. I dont know how to help her. I think she is in danger if she goes home. But she has no finances of her own. He has controlled it all their lives.

I know I need to look after myself in this, god I need to, covered in eczema like I havent been since a child and waking at 4am fretting.

When I called the police when he was attacking her, despite me saying my dad was trying to kill my mum they took 40 minutes to respond.

Anyone any advice on where to go with this. She is scared and alone without us. She has no friends in the UK.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation pinkmama (very sorry to hear your story too, thready).

I just wanted to say that it might be worth you contacting the acute mental health crisis team - if you ring your parent's local hospital they should be able to put you in touch (different PCTs have different names for these units, but basically they are emergency intervention teams for people with mental illnesses who seem on the verge of harming themselves or someone else). You might find that they will take some responsibility for the situation.

Good luck.

Thanks policywonk. Just spoken to his GP who very good, but wanted me to get him to go in, which is just not going to happen. I will give the crisis team a ring and see what they say.

Don't downplay the situation - make sure they understand that your dad really might kill your mother. Explain about the paranoid thinking. Also explain that you don't want to become entangled in the situation because of the violent past.

Didn't the police do anything?

Really sorry that things are still so hard. As well as contacting the emergency intervention team, it might be worth ringing the police again. Even if their emergency response was bad, they might have a good specialist domestic violence or mental health team that could assess the situation.

And don't forget that once you have done what you reasonably can you must leave it to others and take care of yourself.

Hello pinkmama, I'm so sorry for your situation. This isn't totally off topic so please bear with me. I worked in a bar many life times ago and we had a young man who frequently came in for a drink. Some things happened in his life which caused him to become very volitile and dangerous to those around him. We called the police and advised them of the situation, he had made serious threats to me and a few others in the bar. He was also keen at shooting, so we knew he had guns in his house. Bascially, he was a risk. The police picked him up and interviewed him re his threats / actions and he was sectioned for 28 days to seek the help needed. He eventually ended up staying in a secure hospital for quite a long time. I can't believe that the police took SO long to react to your call. I made several visits into my police station during this time and each time I asked to speak to someone who could help. Is there any chance you can go to the police station local to your parents ?

xx

I have been trying to find the crime reference number I was given on the night because I agree it might be worth me ringing them and just warnign them that it could happen again. I cant beleive the response time. My parents do live in a village, but its not that out of the way. My mum refused to press charges, the police wouldnt leave without my dad, who got very difficult with them and now admits was hoping they would arrest him.

My brother is going to speak to him later and see what he thinks, then we will make a plan together. I have been looking up psychosis on the internet and it is really very familiar.

And thanks threadworm, I will try to take care of myself, its just hard to not think about it all the time.

Have you managed to get through to the crisis team, pinkmama?

How are things going pinkmama?

Hello policywonk and threadworm. Thanks for thinking of me. I spoke to my mum in spain last week. She is due back tomorrow. I realised I was taking this all on, so have decided to wait until mum gets back. She is now taking this really seriously. Up until now I think she felt sorry and a bit guilty about him. 42 years is a long habit to break I guess. He spoke to one of her friends in spain and said he would try to kill her again. She is understandably very scared. When she comes back she will stay with me and we will make a plan. Hopefully her GP will be able to help her get help for my dad, if not we will call the crisis team and inform the police of his threats. She is also going to go with me to either womens aid or somewhere we can get her some advice and help.

Its an awful situation. I feel sick a lot of the time and I am now covered from head to foot in eczema. But I did realise I was trying to sort it all out for her, when what I think I really need to do is support her in sorting it out, if that makes sense.

I will let you know how things go.x

Did this happen in the UK pinkmama? I thought the victim's willingness to press charges was no longer an issue - with evidence from you and others she has talked to, they can bring charges anyway. Maybe a lawyer can clarify that.

So sorry for you having to go through this.

Hi Snowleopard.

It did happen in the UK. I think tbh my mum played it down at the time, was upset and ashamed. The police took him back to the house he is staying at, wouldnt leave her with him, but she didnt want to press charges, and I think because it was first time, no obvious physical damage they didnt do anything. My poor mum couldn't swallow properly for a few days, but there was never any external bruising. I think they can prosecute without the victim wanting to, but I doubt they were told the full extent of what happened. Sadly, in my panic and stress I lost the name of hte officer and the crime ref no, but I hope if we ring Humberside police they will be able to trace the case. I do think we need to warn them he is dangerous. Cant believe I am writing this about my own dad , but he clearly needs help or my mum will never feel safe again.

I'm sure that the police will be able to trace the case, pinkmamma, and I do think you should get back to them -- may be even ask them to liaise with the police where you are, so that local police are up to speed in case of problems?

Glad you are going to speak to a women's aid place. I'm sure they will give you excellent information.

Am worried that you feel you have to have your mum stay with you, because of all the upset for you. I hope you can sort things out in a way you all feel happy with -- and also that your siblings can give you all the support you need until this is sorted.

xx

As your thread title says, it is attempted murder and very serious. I know it's your dad and it's very hard, but getting him arrested and charged may be one of the best ways to get this all taken seriously and get him psychological help (as he would be assessed for that as part of the procedure I think).

Just rang the police. They were very helpful and are going to trace the officer who dealt with it and get him to ring me and talk about what to do next.

I told them that he had told me in no uncertain terms that he had indeed intended to kill her and does not know what made him stop, and also that he is threatening to do it again.

Threadworm, its actually easier having her here. I know she is safe, and she seems happier when she has her grandkids to distract her. They all adore her and I think she needs that affirmation right now. Also, she is a fantastic help around the house, she doesnt like sitting still so the house is always so much tidier . I dont think my dad would travel 300 miles to get her, (although in my middle of the night panics I do think maybe I should tape up the letter box, but think thats hysteria getting the better of me)

I'm so glad you have spoken to the police.

I'm also glad that having your Mum with you sounds positive in a lot of ways. I was worried that it would make you feel too sucked back into the situation, and to your childhood memories.

My fingers are crossed for a happy long-term solution to the problem.

xx

Thanks threadwworm. The police have just rung me back. They were fantastic. They will hopefully get someone from sussex police to come and talk to my mum when she arrives here, and they are going to see if they can get an assessment done of my dad. They advised me to keep her here until they are satisfied she is no longer in danger. They did admit that these cases are always very difficult, but i feel happy that they are taking it seriously and trying to help.

It has sucked me back, but not sure how I can entirely avoid that. DH is looking after me, and I speak to my sister every day, so am not alone with it. And I have to say this thread has really helped. Thank you all x