Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Is it worth opening old wounds to (attempt to) achieve 'closure'?

54 replies

AudreyII · 16/09/2008 18:57

Ten years ago someone very close to me hurt me really bad. Today I received contact from him via facebook and I'm in a real dilema as to whether to reply. It will involve facing some long-buried demons, but is it worth it? I think I'm strong enough, but don't know if it is worth the risk? If he says sorry and admits his part in it then I will be happy but it's risky. I have a huge weight in the pit of my stomach just thinking about him.

OP posts:

Original poster

AudreyII · 16/09/2008 21:09

fuck fuck fuck
hook line and sinker i've fallen for it again havn't i??

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 16/09/2008 21:39

AUdrey, don't risk it. If you were really strong enough for it to be safe, you'd be thinking 'Who? Oh, that dickhead from 10 years ago, nah, can't be arsed.' People who are very manipulative never change, because they know that their behaviour works for them - and if one person won't fall for it, why worry, there are plenty more who will.

charliechew · 16/09/2008 22:30

Audrey II

Don't do it,don't contact him. A couple of years ago an ex boyfriend of mine (who treated me badly) sent me a message through friends reunited. To be honest, I can't believe he had the nerve after everything that happened. Needless to say I didn't reply - good riddance. Don't give him the satisfaction of replying. You have to question their motivations for getting in touch in the first place.

PurpleOne · 17/09/2008 00:38

A common tactic on a DV forum where I post is NO CONTACT ever!

If they have raised feeling in you to react like this, then it's probably a very good thing you block his profile and to not respond.
If the offending party hasn't apologised for what they ever did, then it's hardly likely now.

Please be strong enough to delete the message and block him forever.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/09/2008 06:54

Do not contact this man under any circumstances; he will hurt you twice over if you let him back into your life.

Controlling men rarely come good, don't think for one minute he wants to apologise at all. What's his real motivation now for contacting you now after all this time?.

Would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. Its all about controlling men and how they operate. That could also help you. Controlling men as well as being abusive are often angry too.

NotQuiteCockney · 17/09/2008 07:04

Why not write a letter to him, write about what he did, and how it made you feel, write about all the damage he did. Tell him how much he hurt you, how much you still are angry with him. Accept how you feel, and write it down.

But then DON'T send it to him. You're writing for you.

It's possible this message is a sort of apology, or at least an acknowledgement of what he did. But it's unlikely he cares about what he did as much as you do, and it's very very unlikely that more contact with him would make you feel better.

WelliesAndPyjamas · 17/09/2008 07:17

Ignore him. Much more satisfying in the long run - he will be the one left wondering, instead of you

HappyWoman · 17/09/2008 07:28

i agree do not contact him - if he does say sorry you will want to ask 'what for?' and will wonder if he really understands exactly what he did to you. You will have more questions after than you do now.

He may bow his head in shame and say the words but i feel that would not be enough for you if after all this time you still feel so strongly.

He has had to justify to himself what he did - that is why he can live with it and he will never be able to show you his pain in the way you would want anyway.

girlsnextdoor · 17/09/2008 07:36

Are you over him?

I was hurt badly by someone 35 years back and after 20 years I made contact, genuinely wondering how he was, and having forgiven him in my head. He apologised in the best way and we are now close friends....could be more, but he has the habit of marrying other women, and when I had a 2nd chance, I couldn't jump from my relationship

It depends what you are really looking for. it is a gamble- will you feel better if you talk etc and he apologises? if you talk and he doesn't, how will you feel?

In either case, somehow you need to move on, as you shouldn't be carrying these negative emotions after 10 years. Somehow you need to come to terms with what happened- either by talking/contact or by firmly shutting the door in your head.

You are in charge of your own life- it has to be your decision- just try to imagine how you would feel with either scenario.

Helga80 · 17/09/2008 07:40

Please don't reply. If he was emotionally manipulative/abusive in the past I highly doubt he has changed that much.

You seem to have a very strong view as to what you want from him, if you don't get that you are not going to get closure, just more upset.

Personally, I think it would be worth you looking into some counselling. It sounds like you had a seriously crap time with him but after 10 years you need to be finding some closure and as solidgoldbrass said, no one else can give you that closure.

People very rarely react how you want them to and messages on facebook etc. are very easy to interpret the way you want them to be rather than what the person actually means (believe me - been there, done that!)

Original poster

AudreyII · 17/09/2008 09:20

He was very anrgry back then but it was a reaction to someone else abusing and betraying him, the bullied becoming the bully kind-of-thing.
I did actually reply late last night but have blocked him from seeing my profile so it's just an email. I know I shouldn't have - but it was keeping me awake worrying/wondering

OP posts:

Spellcheck · 17/09/2008 10:32

Hi Audrey - it's a tough one, but from what you are saying it sounds as though you want to contact him...! I reckon you should, actually, in a light, breezy, "My life is so goooood!" kind of way. What better closure (revenge) than for him to think you got over him years ago and had forgotten all about him until now?

If he really isn't sorry, or is trying to manipulate you again, and you got into a proper "what you did was so crap" dialogue, it might bring those feelings back to the surface and you will be no better off at all. Probably best not to expect or even want an apology - you hold all the cards this time so can play it your way. Then forget about it for ever!

Spellcheck · 17/09/2008 10:34

Oops, didn't read your last post !!!

Original poster

AudreyII · 17/09/2008 10:49

I did want to contact him - that was the problem. I also want to believe he's sorted himself out. Guess it's in his hands now...

OP posts:

pamelat · 17/09/2008 12:36

Bit different but I made facebook contact with a girl who slept with my ex boyfriend whilst I was with him.

I wanted to thank her but being one of the reasons that I left him and am now happily married to my DH.

At the time I hated her but I needed her to see that I had moved on, and to see how happy I was. Purely selfish intentions really.

In your situation though, I wouldnt reply. He probably wants to allievate the guilty, that he hopefully feels towards you

solidgoldbrass · 17/09/2008 22:40

Well maybe he's seen a therapist of some sort of become a hopeless gibbering alcoholic who, as part of the 13-step programme, has to stalk trace and apologise to everyone he ever upset.
But it's equally likely that his last DP has recently seen through his bullshit and told him to take himself off and he is trawling through his little black book thinking, hmm, what's the odds on getting a blowjob/place to live/loan of money off each of my ex-DPs before I have to exert myself by charming a new one.

MrsMattie · 17/09/2008 22:43

If there is only one outcome that you could deal with - ie. he admits he treated you badly and apologises - then I wouldn't bother getting in touch. You can't control other people and their actions, you can only control your own. Steer clear.

Original poster

AudreyII · 17/09/2008 22:58

Well it seems to have paid off - he's apologised to me for how he treated me (he hadn't forgotten) and he seems more balanced now. Obviously can't be 100% from one email but it feels that way. Although my downfall was always giving him the benefit of the doubt but at least I can watch out for the signs if he tries it on again.

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 18/09/2008 00:43

OK Audrey, now leave it. You've got your apology, don't allow the opportunity for him to mess with you again.

toomanystuffedbears · 18/09/2008 02:12

Yes I agree with solid and others-
lip service is cheap
don't let him do it to you twice, and you do that by not giving him the remotest possibility of a chance. Zero tolerance.

TheProvincialLady · 18/09/2008 17:32

Why would there be a need for further contact Audrey? Why even give him the chance? TBH you are almost inviting this man to mistreat you again - why?

LittleBella · 18/09/2008 17:38

Well now he's apologised, you can wish him well and move on. You've achieved closure.

If you continue to have contact with him, it's not closure, it's a continuation of the old merry go round.

kt14 · 18/09/2008 20:22

well done, that's what you wanted. Now delete him and leave well alone!

lizinthesticks · 18/09/2008 20:42

I don't really see how an apology can be enough, given what you've said about this person. An apology is something you seek from someone who's forgot to get you 20 Silk Cut and a bottle of milk. I think you're angling for more but aren't facing it. Iow, this is a slippery slope.

Original poster

AudreyII · 18/09/2008 21:05

I really believe that the way he treated me was a result of how others treated him and I think that for him to apologise to me it means he has dealt with his problems. That's all I wanted to know from him - to see that he's ok.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3