If you are a SAHM and your dh/p works FT, how much does he do around the house?

[Olihan]

Just wondering whether I'm BU and expecting too much of DH or if he's being a bit lazy.

He works full time, he leaves the house at 7am and comes back around 5:30 - 6ish, depending on meetings, etc.

I'm a SAHM to 3 dcs aged 4.8 (just started in Reception so still only in part time), 3.0 (does 1 day and 2 mornings at pre school) and 20mo (at home all the time).

Dh clears up the kitchen after dinner (which I've usually cooked before he's come in), as in he stacks the dishwasher, wipes the clear bits of work surface, wipes the table but he doesn't wash up or clean the hob, tiles, underneath anything, etc. He occasionally puts a load of washing in or hangs up what is in the machine but he never puts it away. He does iron sometimes but it stays in the piles in the lounge, he doesn't hang it up. He also unstacks the dishwasher if it's his mornning to get up with the dcs at the weekend but often doesn't clear the breakfast stuff into it. He will empty the kitchen bin if it's overflowing ( maybe once a week, max) but usually puts the full bag by the back door rather than take it outside. He's mown the lawn 3 times this summer too.

I do all the tidying, hoovering, dusting, putting away of clothes, cleaning the bathrooms, making the beds, changing the sheets, washing of floors, cleaning windows, emptying bins, sorting recycling, bringing dirty washing down, cleaning the hob, wiping down tiles, washing up, and all the little jobs like wiping the kitchen cupboards down, emptying toast crumbs out of the toaster - all those things that need doing every once in a while but aren't regular jobs. I do the bulk of the washing and ironing. I also do all the watering in the garden, tidying up the garden, weeding (sometimes) and clearing out the car. I also do all the sorting of paperwork, money, etc.

I'm feeling a bit like I'm doing running round like a mad thing trying to keep a permanently messy house in some kind of habitable state and he ought to be doing more to help.

What happens in other people's houses? How much does your dh/dp do and are you happy with that?

I honestly don't know whether I am expecting too much of him and you lot are confusing me even more .

I do feel like he should do a bit more tidying up after himself and put more effort into what he does do - then I might not feel as resentful of doing all the rest.

Anna, that's it in a nutshell. That's exactly how I feel.

Olihan, funnily enough I came on here this afternoon to ask if any sahps carry on as usual at the weekend or whether their partner helps out then.

My youngest starts full-time school in a couple of weeks so it's too late for me to do anything about it now (I will still be a sahm for now).

My advice is get it sorted out now before it's too late! (as per Anna's suggestion)

Olihan, with respect (and I think I can say this because I think I'm a bit like you with the perfectionist/control freak thing), it is your problem, not his. I really don't mean to be rude, but you are the one who wants these things done. I actually don't think you've got it that bad. If you did give him specific jobs, would he do it to your satisfaction?

FWIW he does a hell of a lot more than my DP (whose sole contrubution to the housework is paying the cleaner who comes 4 hours a week).

Any organising needs to be done, babysitter needs booking, etc etc that's me. I do all the traditional 'blue' jobs too (DIY/gardening/decorating) and sort all the finances like finding the right mortgage deal etc as well as all the 'pink' jobs. It is frustrating sometimes, but a) he works away a lot and b) I'm a control freak too.

And at least I know its all being done properly. And I like being in a clean and tidy home. I don't do it because he wants or expects me to, he couldn't care less if the shower is sparkly.

I'm happy with our very traditional set up, in some ways I find it quite liberating. I don't have to go and get embroiled in office politics, or be answerable to anyone. I'm grateful I can be a SAHM because its what I want to do, and he makes that happen for me.

We all have different standards and priorities, if you choose to have a gleaming home then thats down to you. If however, he's complaining about it, that's a different matter.

Like you I am a SAHM and my DH works full time.

I do mine and the kids washing/ ironing/putting away - he does his own - this is a long standing agreement

We kind of share cooking tho I probably do a bit more.

He does lawn mowing/DIY stuff and he probably does more of the paperwork. And I definitely do more cleaning.

This works while I'm at home - once I go back to wrok I imagine the arguments will start again...

I think the basic problem that most people have is that one person in the relationship has a different idea of what is 'habitable' or rather a lower tolerance of mess. And have a different idea of what task should be prioritised and what ignored.

And I was a bit scared to post that message because I don't want you all to yell at me!

I just wanted to give another perspective because I think I've been there (and stopped nagging/resenting).

Have only been a SAHM while on maternity leaves, but would add something that it's easy to overlook. I don't know what the OP's husband does (though is clearly out of the house from 7 am till about 6 pm) but with many jobs, particularly higher earning ones, it's the mental pressure, not just the physically getting out and working that is often the biggest 'drain'. You can find that you need 'head space' to deal with it - some 'down time', definitely on getting home from work. While I was on Mat leave, my dh often did bath time/bed routine with babies, he'd often cook (because he found this relaxing) but tbh I saw it as my responsibility to do the bulk of home stuff - cleaning/washing/tidying up/shopping/grass cutting - simply because I was the one at home. And I'm not saying looking after children isn't work, because yes, of course it is hard work, but ultimately you are your own boss, you are at home, you are not having to meet targets and deadlines.
Obviously, if you aren't happy with the balance, it's up to you to initiate discussion and come up with an arrangement you're both happy with. I'd add that each time I returned to work after Mat leave, we then shared everything 50/50. But I do think that when one parent is at home all the time (whether mum or dad) then it's reasonable that they take the major role in running the home.

Am not a SAHM but if beds need changing or washing needs doing it's mostly me who does it. My oh could live without changing beds for weeks. i just get on with it. Though I am a slattern and don't do all that tile cleaning and hob scrubbing stuff daily, I have a big clean up each week.

I think the thing is not to descend into "tit for tat" or competitiveness but to each have certain things that you always do. Don't obsess about it being absolutely equal, and don't criticise the other person's standards.

OFFS, I do see where you're coming from and you do have a really good point. We have conmpletely opposite standards and while he doesn't care if things are clean/tidy he does get cross if he can't find things, etc. I'm not bothered about living in a pristine, gleaming house - I can cope with a lived in look (let's face it, with 3 dcs under 5 it's always going to look lived in!) but I prefer it not to be a complete mess.

I often feel that I spend a lot of time just trying to keep the house in order and he'll leave things lying around - shoes, clothes, wrappers, etc, which makes me feel as though he has no respect or appreciation for what I do. I'd like to feel as though I have 3 dcs and a DH, rather than 4 dcs iykwim.

I'm not expecting a 50/50 split of jobs, because I do think as a SAHM that housework is part of my job description and he works very hard in his job but I do want to feel as though some of what I do is appreciated and worthhwhile.

The lazy get that I am married to get up between 8.15 and 10am, goes to bed about 1 am, spends most of his day on his laptop 'doing' his family tree, (their DEAD fgs! we aren't), is allergis to floors, (he can't touch them), does npt see mess or dirt and has the best avoidance techniques known to human kind.

AND HE IS UNEMPLOTED.

My first thought is: you do too much! If it's getting to you, there are things which can go eg. washing the windows?! Eh? Window cleaner for the outside, leave the inside to once a year max. Seems like your dh does a fair bit. If your standards are very high (they are by mine) then I think you are BU to expect him to help you reach them. Mine:

• does all washing up (but not cleaning work tops or cooker)
• tidies toys when they are getting to him
• DIY
• bills
• ironing own shirts (only things which get ironed in our house).

I do the rest of the cleaning (not too much, I hasten to add), all food shopping, all present buying, all cooking, all washing and putting away. However, I only have one ds (about to become 3!), so we'll see how it pans out then.

Olihan, I couldn't agree more. It is much the same here.

I don't know how you feel/can afford a cleaner (personally I'd live on cornflakes then be without her) but it takes away the resentment (not completely, but mostly). I still run around like a loon tidying up before she comes, stripping beds, etc but all I only feel like I am maintaining rather than doing it all. Its not the answer for everyone, but a little help goes a loooong way. We have 4 DCs so I feel it justified although I am a SAHM, and they are still little too.

The alternative is he could help more ....

I have to point out that I do NOT clean windows on a weekly or even monthly basis . We have doors with glass panels and once they're covered in fingerprints/yogurt/snot/dribble then I clean them, the actual wwindows are done once a year MAX!

OFFS, unfortunately we can't afford a cleaner and I kind of feel with the amount of mess generated by the dcs it would be a waste because I'd only get to enjoy the benefits of all that money spent for a split second before you'd never know she'd been!

for the past 25 years of our marriage, my DH has done less than yours and I have always worked part time.

he does the grass cutting, the bin emptying and the DIY.

If he stacks the dishwasher he never sees to work tops or the cooker, or the pans.

He will offer to pick up stuff from the shops if he is going out or on the way back from work and he would do a shop when DCs were tiny and I had had an operation.

That's it- don't think you should expect him to work at home as well after a day at work.

But my DH would be out from 7.30am to 7pm every day.

My OH is out from 8am-9pm M-F
We have a cleaner who comes twice a week

We split the cooking between us, he often fills or empties the dishwasher and tidies away toys
He mows the lawn and deals with spiders and mousetraps etc
He will shop at the weekend if necessary but I do the shopping in the week (we shop daily)
He will hoover if the cleaner is off as that is my most hated job ever

I do all the laundry and minor cleaning

Oli, glad you don't clean windows weekly! Still I bet you iron more than 5 shirts a week. Really not necessary, the occasional tablecloth if people are coming round, but that's it! Hang things to dry on hangers...and as for ironing kids clothes, definitely, definitely not worth it.

Dh works full time sometimes out of house from 6am til 9 pm but usually its 7-5 ish. Im quite lucky cos DH will help out with baths etc and cook for kids at weekends, he does hoover once or twice a week and will wash up every night (usually just our dishes though cos kids eat earlier) Dh will put washing on if there is a load ready and happily take stuff from tumbler etc.

My DH does about the same as yours Olihan - I'm OK with it as he often has a couple of hours work after dinner/bath/bed for DS - but we only have 1 DS not 3. I think if I had 3 kids I'd get a bit cheesed off with not getting more help. I think the fact that you're finding it a slog and are getting hacked off means yes, he probably could do a bit more to help out and YANBU.

Olihan, your dh and mine were obviously separated at birth! He half does jobs from time to time - mostly leaving damp piles of washing lying around. I buy food, cook, wash clothes, deal with 4 kids. He's away now for the first time in weeks and I'm so pleased - can get the house in order!

Still feel hard done by - but I have a cleaner and she keeps me sane. My 3 older dcs are 14, 12 and 11 so I need to start sending them up chimneys.... Can't believe how much stuff needs doing in a house of 6 people. What will happen when I return to work next month I can't imagine.

Olihan, I really dont think you have it hard at all. I'm also a SAHM and DP works full time. I have 2 DC's of 6 months and just 3 years, both of whom I have at home full time.
My DP does nothing in comparison to DH. He does load/unload dishwasher, put laundry in, iron or put rubbish out like your DH does. As for him not putting breakfast things in dishwasher when he gets up with DC's, neither does my DP because he doesnt get up with them! The last time he did any housework was when I had DD, he was very helpful ...for about a week!

I am truly shocked thatthere are men who do not help out with the housework. I just wouldn't be able to put up with it.
DH works full time but he does a lot around the house becuase he knows that I have been busy.
We look after each other. Don't these men want to help you out?

I blame their mothers ....

I do actually. DPs mum still runs about after her DH and children (they are all in their 40s). He is the only boy, so has had 4 women running after him. I have actually made a hell of a lot of progress with him, and my boys won't have the same expectations.

He is very good with the kids and does all the necessary with them before school and getting them there. He has just has different priorities to me.

I think there is a lot in the upbringing thing.

My late FIL didn't do anything at all around the house (although he did work very long hours). He couldn't (and wouldn't) even do the most basic cooking tasks like cooking rice. He could just about manage a cup of tea and a sandwich if pushed (although making an incredible mess in the process). Similarly MIL doesn't/didn't do much around the house. It was all down to her mother and various cleaners, gardeners etc. This set such a bad example for dh and his siblings, imo.