If you are a SAHM and your dh/p works FT, how much does he do around the house?

[Olihan]

Just wondering whether I'm BU and expecting too much of DH or if he's being a bit lazy.

He works full time, he leaves the house at 7am and comes back around 5:30 - 6ish, depending on meetings, etc.

I'm a SAHM to 3 dcs aged 4.8 (just started in Reception so still only in part time), 3.0 (does 1 day and 2 mornings at pre school) and 20mo (at home all the time).

Dh clears up the kitchen after dinner (which I've usually cooked before he's come in), as in he stacks the dishwasher, wipes the clear bits of work surface, wipes the table but he doesn't wash up or clean the hob, tiles, underneath anything, etc. He occasionally puts a load of washing in or hangs up what is in the machine but he never puts it away. He does iron sometimes but it stays in the piles in the lounge, he doesn't hang it up. He also unstacks the dishwasher if it's his mornning to get up with the dcs at the weekend but often doesn't clear the breakfast stuff into it. He will empty the kitchen bin if it's overflowing ( maybe once a week, max) but usually puts the full bag by the back door rather than take it outside. He's mown the lawn 3 times this summer too.

I do all the tidying, hoovering, dusting, putting away of clothes, cleaning the bathrooms, making the beds, changing the sheets, washing of floors, cleaning windows, emptying bins, sorting recycling, bringing dirty washing down, cleaning the hob, wiping down tiles, washing up, and all the little jobs like wiping the kitchen cupboards down, emptying toast crumbs out of the toaster - all those things that need doing every once in a while but aren't regular jobs. I do the bulk of the washing and ironing. I also do all the watering in the garden, tidying up the garden, weeding (sometimes) and clearing out the car. I also do all the sorting of paperwork, money, etc.

I'm feeling a bit like I'm doing running round like a mad thing trying to keep a permanently messy house in some kind of habitable state and he ought to be doing more to help.

What happens in other people's houses? How much does your dh/dp do and are you happy with that?

[Ohforfoxsake]

and my upbringing was the reverse of DPs - I come from a family of 3 women (and my DF) all of whom are very independent and can do everything themselves.

So in a way, I really don't need him to do anything, and if I want something doing I am more than capable of doing it myself. And I have probably told him that a few times too!

Doesn't mean he shouldn't help me of course.

[ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe]

DH does loads.

He gets up at 6.45 and changes DS2, makes the kids breakfasts and mine if I want anything, does the kids water bottles, their teeth, cleans their shoes and helps them get dressed. He also helps with spellings and reading books if it needs doing. And he feeds the fish and the cat.

When he gets home from work at 6.20-6.30 he listens to them read, baths them and puts them to bed.

He will do any jobs I ask him to do as well as cooking our meal if I can't be bothered.

On a Sunday he irons all his work clothes and the kids uniforms.

[rosiejoy]

god this makes me depressed reading this.

i feel disappointed by the number of women who told the op to just be grateful for her lot!

before children when i lived alone i worked full time- when i got home i had to cook dinner, and at evenings and weekends i had to fit in washing, housework etc, i really dont think it is unreasonable to expect someone who works full time to help! my partner is the same and it makes me so angry! caring for young children is hard work if you do it properly- its not just about feeding them at the appropriate times, as a parent you have to meet ther needs- keep them stimulated and entertained, pay them attention and play with them, make them feel secure, you get the picture. basically its a big job and it makes me sad to see so many fathers underestimating what an amazing job their partners do taking care of their children and feel more grateful and actually WANT to help out and make life easier.

oh, and 'help'? please, its their home too.

phew, ok im off before you all get mad at me!

[noonki]

I am currently at uni/p/t worker - My DP works shifts about a 50 hour week, when he is working I do everything

but on days off it is 50:50, (not like I get a 'day off')

when I worked f/t we split everything, I would never be with a man that wouldn't do his share.

we did once write down all the jobs and split them up by picking the ones we least minded doing. It worked pretty well.

(guess we are a bit like kids really, make them think they have a choice!)

[disneystar]

my dh goes to work at 4.30am and home by 7.30pm a long day he is great tidys up does entire kitchen what more do i want or need does kids toys puts them to bed
feeds baby at midnight still gets for work 4 hours later
we have 7 dc im a sahm and we have a disabled son as well he needs loads of care
im lucky woman an very happy

[lulurose]

He washes up pans/loads the dishwasher after dinner (always cooked by me).

He mows the lawn.

He takes the bins out.

He baths the girls most days.

He puts petrol in the car.

errr.....think thats about it, doesn't sound very much but the best thing he does is give me time at the weekend by taking the kids off swimming etc...

He is great

[mymittens]

him:

hoovering
ironing
gardening
rubbish/recycling
some of washing/sorting it out

me:

cooking
dishwasher (mostly)/tidying kitchen
cleaning bathrooms
household admin
cleaning floors

[ghosty]

Our deal is this:
When DH is at work he is at work doing his work.
My "9 - 5 job" is being at home doing whatever needs doing, no set routine or jobs, just normal SAHM jobs. As a result I do the majority of the household jobs.
BUT: When we are both at home (evenings and weekends) we share the home stuff almost in a 50/50 split. When he is at home he doesn't sit on his arse watching me do everything and I don't sit on my arse expecting him to do everything. We don't have set jobs. If there is washing to be done then one of us does it. If there is washing up to be done one of us does it. If one of us cooks the other one tends to clear up. Whoever clears up gets out of doing bath/bedtime etc etc ...
I never have to ask DH to do anything - he just does things when they need doing.
I tend to do the ironing though ... I watch tv when I iron. We send his shirts to the cleaners but if we forget and we need to wash them at home he irons them as I hate doing that.
He's brilliant like that. He likes shopping and he cooks too ... he wishes he had more time to cook more.
I couldn't be married to someone who didn't do housey stuff TBH
[happy sigh]

[Bluebutterfly]

My dh works longer hours but he does about the same amount of work at home, although he does sometimes pick up toys and he often does the cooking on weekends.

I tend to do most of the housework and I clean the car, inside and out, mow the lawn, do the garden.

I am now expecting a second baby and I am going to be starting a part-time job, so I have hired a cleaner. She is fab and dh is happy to pay for her as he knows that I am alot happier - I still have all the tidying, ironing and laundry to do and childcare of ds, but at least I know that once a week the house is thoroughly clean.

[Bluebutterfly]

I meant my dh does about the same amount of work at home as the OP's dh...

[cheapandsmily]

My DH works M-F , leaves between 8 and 8.30 and comes home 6 ish unless he goes to the pub after work - used to be at tleast twice a week but less now.
He empties the bins, irons his shirts, baths and beds the DC with my help when he's home in time and cooks his and my dinner on Saturdays. In the summer he occasionally mows the lawn when it gets unbearably long and will tidy up toys when it gets him annoyed. The rest I do.
We have in the past argued a lot about it - mostly as he has high standards of house keeping - I don't but on occasion he has had to look after all 3 DC on his own for a day and he has seen that it would be very easy EITHER to look after the 3 DC OR keep the house clean and tidy, do the washing ironing cooking etc, but he concedes actually he wouldn't even manage on the low level that I do!!!
So go off for a day, leave him to it anbd then point out what you do all the time!

[ComeOVeneer]

Dh mows the lawn. He will help with bath/bedtime if he is home which is rare. Apart from that not much else.

Before everyone leaps at me, we are happy like this. I am totally anal so nobody does anything how I want it, so better to leave it too me. I am A SAHM, dd is at school, ds at nursery 2 full days (9-3.30) and 3 half days (9 -1). Dh works 8am until at least 8pm, but with the recent finacial situation, more like 11pm/midnight. I get everything done during the week, leaving the weekends free for us all to spend time together and ejoy, rather than chores.

[shootfromthehip]

My DH does sod all. He leaves at 7.30am and comes home at 7pm so doesn't see the kids during the week. He then has his dinner (that I cook every night) and works from home til 11.30pm mon-fri and usually sun too.

I love him dearly but can I get the bugger to change a lightbulb? He leaves everything at his backside and just does not seem to see mess. If I throw a paddy then he puts the bins out. Other than that I do everything. I feel like his mother and it doesn't matter how many times I talk to him about it, he still doesn't listen.

He is a terrifc Dad and will spend all weekend with the kids (because it suits him- I'm not daft either) and will do the odd lot of washing up on a Sat/ Sun. It sucks.

[shootfromthehip]

Oh and DH has only stopped doing anything since I became a SAHM- he was perfectly capable before! Mysterious eh?

[cestlavie]

Just as an alternative perspective from a DH (who works and a DW who works part time)

Firstly, a relationship should clearly be a partnership - in our case I mainly do the stuff that I'm 'good' at and care about, like cooking, gardening, DIY, bin emptying, household finance and driving; DW does the stuff she's 'good' at and cares about like cleaning, laundry and shopping. It kinda works better that way because the jobs are done faster and better by the person who's better at them and that person dislikes them less (a law of comparative cost for the household I guess!).

Secondly, I think everyone 'knows' whether they've got the right balance or not - if one of you has time to sit and watch TV in the evening whilst the other one is still running around then you haven't.

Finally, one thing we do struggle with and just about every other couple struggles with is that men and women seem to have fundamentally different views on 'mess' and 'dirt'. We'll have conversations along the lines of:

DW: "Have you seen the state of the living room?"
Me: "Uh, no. Doesn't it look okay?"
DW: "It's a tip"
Me: "Really. Um, how?"
DW: "There dirt all over the fireplace and smudges on the cushions and there's a mark on the floor near the door."
Me:

The simple truth is that guys generally don't notice and often don't care about levels of 'mess' and 'dirt' that drive women spare. Most guys honestly wouldn't mind if we left our clothes on the floor until they were worn again or washed. In fact, when I lived by myself that's exactly what I did and I'm relatively tidy by guy standards! Personally, I don't think there is an objective standard on this - surely there must be some acceptable level of dirt that isn't zero? DW, on the other hand, would disagree fervently. All I'd say is that guys are being selfish or lazy all the time when not doing certain things - often we just genuinely don't see that they do need doing.

[tonysoprano]

Maybe if you spent less time on MN, you would have more time for housework

[ghosty]

I'm neither 'good at' nor 'care about' cleaning or laundry or shopping . I am a SAHM so that I can be at home for the children. The cleaning/laundry/shopping just comes with the job and needs to be done.

[shootfromthehip]

I just get resentful that so much of my time with my DC has to be taken up just to keep the house going. I want to enjoy my time with them in a hygienic and tidy environment- and wish that I wasn't constantly distracted by hand/face prints on the windows/ doors/ walls. And if the 'cleaning fairy' (DH refers to me as the sodding cleaning fairy- what am I 5?) has a day off then she had practically no time for DC the next day because she does everything herself.