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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I stop nagging DH & being so uptight? (sorry bit of a rant!)

32 replies

krib · 13/09/2008 09:20

I am fed up of nagging dh constantly. This morning is a good example. My daughter has dance lessons on Sat mornings, they start at 8.45 and we need to leave the house at 8.15 to get there on time. Last night dh said he would take my daughter as he wanted to go to the gym (meaning I could have a lie-in - a big relief as I'm a terrible sleeper!). I woke up at 8 (yes sods law, you get an opportunity to lie in and wake up anyway!), they were both up but I could hear no sign of movement. Went downstairs and found them both still in their PJs watching telly. Both DH and my daughter take ages to get ready so I knew that 15 mins was a push. I told them DH they didn't have a lot of time and that they needed to start getting ready or they'd be late.

I really need advice. I hate myself for nagging him all the time, but if I don't nothing gets done and we are often late for things. Half of me thinks I should have stayed in bed and left him to it, but the other half of me wanted to protect my daughter because I know that she'd have been really upset if they'd have been late.

What should I do? How do I let go of this feeling of having to control anything? Am I being too protective of my daughter? I'm always so uptight and it's doing my head in. As I'm typing this I am seething! Please help.

OP posts:
loopylou6 · 13/09/2008 09:25

i would be seething to, i would nag him aswell, he needs to learn a bit of responsibilty

Seabright · 13/09/2008 10:33

It would be awful for your daughter, but would her being upset have given him the jolt he needed to see why he needs to think ahead and get things done on time?

mrsruffallo · 13/09/2008 10:47

Krib, you need to let your DH share parental responsibility.
He wanted to give you a lie-in.
You should have let him get on with it.
Relinquish a little control. Bite your tongue and let it go.
He may surprise you.

mashedbanana · 13/09/2008 12:01

i had to nag my dh to get up this morning as he'd promised to take dd swimming.dh works away and came home thursday night after being to 3 different countries in 7 days[abroard]so he was knackered.feel guilty as i know he wanted to sleep but he shouldn't have said he'd go in the first place.meanwhile i'm sitting here with a cup of coffee while he's chasing a 3 year old round a pool.

twinsetandpearls · 13/09/2008 12:09

I nag as I am the doer and dp is a dreamer who just lets life floats by. I hate myself for it.

bigTillyMint · 13/09/2008 14:19

This sounds horribly familiar. As DH works 5 days and I only work 3 (and round the corner), I do 90% of the childcare and manage all the household stuff,etc. I am therefore (like you seem to be!) "in control" at home.

As a result, DH takes very little responsibility for thinking ahead, and has a much more laissez faire attitude to organising the DC. I would LOVE for him to be more in control when he is at home, but all that happens is I nag him or worse, shout at him.

HEEEELLLPPP!!!!

missbumpy · 13/09/2008 14:28

I nag too. We've almost split up recently as I'm a do-er and DP is not. It's horrible isn't it? I never imagined I'd end up spending my life nagging someone. Mrs Ruffalo's right that you/I need to relinquish control and let them get on with it but it's easier said than done...every time I've tried to let him get on with things he's let me down.

clam · 13/09/2008 17:16

Ah yes, but let's define nagging. Asking/telling more than once? Pointing out the bleedin' obvious?
I think the OP was within her rights to point out that they were going to be late. On the other hand, maybe he needs to suffer the consequences of his actions, i.e. take the full force of Miss Dance Teacher's wrath....have DD furious because she missed part of her lesson... whatever.

CostaRicanCod · 13/09/2008 17:18

the theing is now he rleie son you and he bcoems alike a bgibaby
leave him
let him be late

fancyflo · 13/09/2008 18:35

Im the same with my OH, i feel as if i have to be behind him all the time reminding him of the time! We should leave them to it really, but then there's the kids............

CountessDracula · 13/09/2008 18:37

what cod said
Stop mothering him! He will soon learn

TracksuitLover · 13/09/2008 20:16

Laura Doyle wrote about this in The Surrendered Wife. She said basically, let him do it and don't say anything. If he does it wrong and suffers the consequences he will take responsibility himself and learn how to do it right next time. If you don't let him be responsible because you are always nagging him he will always feel like a child and like you don't let him be a man. He won't bother trying. I know it is hard to not nag though and I do it as well. I am too anxious not to nag! I can see that if you really try to do the surrendered wife thing though it could be really worth it.

ivykaty44 · 13/09/2008 20:20

You have a dd - not a son, stop mothering him and let him be late.

As soon as you stop the mothering and let him make the mistake - he will do it once and then he will get it right. Thing is you never let him make the mistake and then let him get it right so you end up always mothering him and this means nagging.

Let go and let him be a grown up man

Nag and mother to much and your sex life will suffer aswell

Janni · 13/09/2008 20:23

Krib - I really know how you feel as I'm totally obsessed with being on time for things and DH is not...Will read the responses before I decide if I have anything else worth saying to you about this

RhinestoneCowgirl · 13/09/2008 20:23

You have to let him be late, you have already reminded him what time he needed to leave, so it's up to him to do it.

The first time that DH had to get DS up dressed and to the childminder I reminded him that he would have to leave in time to get there by 8.30 at the latest, as she goes out on the school run. Whilst in the taxi on the way to the station I received a sheepish phonecall from DH to say that they had already gone...

He hasn't been late for the CM since.

twinsetandpearls · 13/09/2008 23:40

I tend not to say anything anymore but have also realised that he is not bothered by things going wrong. I tend to just try and minimise the damage. So for example he is crap at the recycling, I said something once and it has made no difference. So once a week I get up at a ridiculous hour to sort out the recycling. I have to do this as they will only take one rubbish bag and at one point we had 3 weeks of rubbish they refused to take

Overmydeadbody · 13/09/2008 23:46

You lot all need to get yourselves a copy of 'The ROad Less Travelled' by M. Scott Peck.

It changed my life.

twinsetandpearls · 13/09/2008 23:48

I will look it up.

twinsetandpearls · 13/09/2008 23:53

Ooh it looks a bit of a mish mash that book.

Janni · 14/09/2008 00:45

LOL @ Twinset calling The Road Less Travelled 'A bit of a mish mash'.

It's supposed to be an absolute classic (but I confess that I never finished it... )

peanutbutterkid · 14/09/2008 01:56

"Stop mothering him! He will soon learn"

NOOOOOOoooo... it doesn't work like that. This is what really happens (in our house).

DH bumbles around on Saturday morning, until he's mentally ready to go. He only needs 2 minutes to get ready and also gives DD 2 minutes notice.
But she's only 6yo, and can't get ready that fast.
When she doesn't get ready fast enough, DH shouts at her, she cries and doesn't want to go to dance after all.
Even if I helped DD remember what to do in time to get ready, double checked bits like whether she had her dance shoe bag as she went out the door (she nearly always had her bag, but she's only 6, I felt it was parental duty to check because DH sure wouldn't), it would all go pear-shaped at some moment because DH not really up to organising other people and had no patience for air-headed little child. He didn't give a toss whether DD went to dance or not.

My lesson learnt, if I wanted DD to attend dance and she did want to go, Saturday mornings she used to leap out of bed to put her dance clothes on I had to organise it.

twinsetandpearls · 14/09/2008 02:07

I speak as I find Janni

twinsetandpearls · 14/09/2008 02:07

I agree peanutbutter

bigTillyMint · 14/09/2008 14:47

Haven't read Road Less Travelled for at least 12 years - will look it out!

Feeling a bit better today as DH has been out since 10am with DS at a footie tournament, and still out! DD reading quietly, so NO STRESS!

Shitemum · 14/09/2008 15:00

It´s all very well to say 'stop mothering him and he´ll learn' but what if his inability to see ahead or do things properly actually puts you or your DC in danger?

For example:

Leaves front door open or with keys in the lock on a regular basis in an area where you do not do that for very good reasons

Washes a pan lid and leaves it all wet on the work surface so a pool forms round the cable of the little work-top oven (which was put there to defrost bread that morning, is not normaly there)

Leaves balcony doors open (we are on first floor) and goes off to the other end of the house leaving adventurous 2 pre-schoolers playing in the room

This is the sort of thing my DP does and I can´t stand by and wait for him to discover the consequences, can I?