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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fed up with DPs behaviour

62 replies

nikki7984 · 12/09/2008 09:09

Where to start...

Have been together 4 years, have 6mnth old , i dont work , gave up under his instructions before LO born. He has v good job but v stressful job with a top salary but seems to think due to this he can do what he likes.

So much to say but briefly...
Since LO born things dont seem to be working, from day one i was told he had never known anyone milk something so much because i was in so much pain from forceps delivery and crying in pain when walking getting out of bed etc..,

when LO 6 weeks old goes out on lash strip club comes home 4 am rude to me says he doesnt want to f**k me that i am fat ugly and disgusting which is why he went. This behaviour and digs continue with him screaming at me he would rather have a page 3 girl than me..

Over the next 3/4 months He has spates of weeks of being nice then a one off night of drinking and aggressiveness towards me.

Recently its got to the point where he is going to strip clubs almost everyweek coming home with glitter all over him some nights not coming home at all and not caring that its hurting me instead he screams at me that i am useless that i cant call myself a housewife as i am rubbish and that noone would have me if i left him and i should be grateful as in his eyes i live a WAG lifestyle and he is in the top 5% of eligble men in the UK, basicly because he finacially supports me.. i dont have a joint account with him i get an allowance which i use to buy all the household grocerys baby stuff including LO s clothes and i pay a portion of the household bills, I say I am going to go back to work then and he takes the p**s out of me saying i could never work again all i would earn is 40 quid a week, i had a job paying 40k before and i still own my own flat which i rent out.. I dont want to work as i want to look after my son soley as he claims to want

I am really at the end of my teather as i feel that although he is not physically abusive mentally and verbally he is and he does not understand what life is like looking after a baby and i am fed up of him being so awful to me just because he finacially supports me last night he tore up a shirt because i had not sewn buttons on to it and then screamed at me because i forgot to take his dry cleaning in.. how is this fair or am i being ridiculous and should i just get on with it?
I have tried talking to him but he tells me its all PR that goes with his job and that if i leave he doesnt care and will get a 20yr old size 6 girlfriend to look after him..
Also i have got back to my pre pregnancy figure and weight but still he acts like this.. Thanks for listening to this rant.

OP posts:
Overmydeadbody · 12/09/2008 09:59

There is no excuse for his behaviour nikki, it doesn't matter how stressful one's work is, that doesn't give them the right to treat another human being so utterly disgustingly.

That is not love or respect.

Leave him.

NOW.

Overmydeadbody · 12/09/2008 10:00

talking to him won't make a bloody ounce of difference.

expatinscotland · 12/09/2008 10:00

i couldn't agree more.

she needs to talk to a counsellor, not to him.

Overmydeadbody · 12/09/2008 10:01

and purpleduck is right. A happy home is not a broken home. I'm a single mum and DS most certainly doesn't live in a 'broken home'.

But, if you stay with this sorry excuse for a human being, you will be bringing your DS up in a broken home. And it will probably fuck him up.

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 12/09/2008 10:03

agreed he'll turn it all back on you again, my advise would be to see what your options are re the flat, see what your options are if you go back to work PT and also look into any benignity you may be entitled to, also look into what maint etc you'd have from your P. to know your rights is part of the things here,

if you decided to leave he'll threaten to take your son - he'll say you're a shite mum, he'll use your son as a weapon against you.

You're none of those things, you know it and he does, but he won't want you out of his control.

do all of this without him knowing, until you know your options keep him 'on side' once you know then walk out head held high.

as others have said it's not a broken home if it's a happy healthy home - this isn't a happy healthy home.

mppaw · 12/09/2008 10:04

I just thought it might be nice to hear other suggestions rather than "LEAVE HIM NOW".
If you are not ready emotionally, physically to leave then it might be nice to hear other options.

LadySanders · 12/09/2008 10:05

poor you. my exh is a city boy too and though it never got as bad as this, his behaviour was not dissimilar. i had worked in the city before our ds1 was born so i knew about the drinking and the lap dancing etc etc and thought i could cope with it, but its very difficult/different when you are at home with a baby.

so yes of course he is stressed with what's going on in financial markets at the moment, and he is dealing with it in the customary city manner.

but you shouldn't have to deal with this, and you need to try to get through to him that its not acceptable, and that if he wants to leave and be with a 20 year old then fine he can go ahead, but you'll still be needing financial support and to stay in your house. that might sober him up quickly enough to work out whether or not there's any future for you.

OrmIrian · 12/09/2008 10:06

Oh dear.

I don't think there is any excuse for him is there?

You don't live in a 'home' atm. Home is where you feel safe and you don't have to be apologetic for breathing.

expatinscotland · 12/09/2008 10:06

there are no other options when you're with an abusive man.

there is nothing nice about such a relationship except leaving it behind.

read my SIL's story over and over again.

she's 29, btw, skint, on the verge of suicide and she has basically lost those kids because she will not leave this abusive man behind once or for all and did NOT take his kids.

this is what happens when you allow abuse to continue for 12 years.

ginnny · 12/09/2008 10:06

Nicky I'm so sorry you are going through this. If he's in the top 5% of eligible men in the UK I'm giving up now!!
Stop thinking about broken homes. There is no shame in being a single parent, you would be doing the best for your ds and everyone else is right, the older he gets, the more he will see and it will affect him.
I would advise you to go to a solicitor, find out what your rights are (I'm sure you will be pleasantly surprised) and then stand up to this hideous bully.
You won't end up in a shitty bedsit, and he will have to support you and ds financially until ds is at least 16.
Time to stand up for yourself, you are doing the most important job in the world, and don't forget that.

Buda · 12/09/2008 10:09

I agree to an extent mppaw but abusive men like him don't change. And the longer the OP remains in that abusive relationship the harder it will be for her to move on.

And his behaviour is escalating - getting violent because of a shirt. It is very common for this to happen and then the next stage is violence against the woman.

Maybe counselling is the way to go though. Niki - can you have counselling yourself? Speaking to someone objective may help you to see what is happening.

expatinscotland · 12/09/2008 10:12

'And the longer the OP remains in that abusive relationship the harder it will be for her to move on. '

Exactly, until 12 years later you're convinced you deserve every bit of it and your kids wind up in gangs or on drugs because they're afraid to be in their own home.

Cappuccino · 12/09/2008 10:12

"how is this fair or am i being ridiculous and should i just get on with it?"

you should not doubt yourself. You know you are being treated badly

he is wearing you down by telling you are fat and ugly and useless. If he manages to squash all your confidence out of you then where will you be?

you know you can't carry on making excuses for him. But it's okay for us to shout LEAVE when you are the one in the situation, and not sure how you could make things work.

my mum left a reasonably well-off man and went back to work. She worked very hard but she brought me up well.

you don't need a huge mortgage

you cannot live with a man who thinks so little of you. he made a promise to look after you and he has broken it vey badly

mppaw · 12/09/2008 10:12

Totally agree LadySanders....

Nikki7984, you are doing a fantastic job with your DS, start believing in that, and start having some self belief aswell. Once you get your head straight, maybe you can start looking at your different options, possibly talking to him, talking to a solicitor. You can do this, you are stronger than you think.

expatinscotland · 12/09/2008 10:14

It is nigh on impossible to get your head straight and develop self esteem when you're living with someone who abuses you and whose abuse is escalating.

HeadFairy · 12/09/2008 10:15

Call his bluff. Leave him and let him get a silly air headed 20 year old who won't look after him or his house. He'll learn his lesson, or maybe he won't but who cares? He's a nasty piece of work.

Boys learn how to be men from watching their fathers, I think it's much better for your son to come from a broken home than a dysfunctional one. Your son will learn that it's ok to scream and shout at women and he'll become a bully too.

It's easy for us to sit here and tell you to do something that's very hard to do, but call in every favour you have. Friends, family etc. Use the rent from your flat as a source of income. It's a great asset to have and you can always sell it if things become desperate. Can you move back to your family home? Just for a bit?

Start thinking about alternative jobs that can utilise your skills. You don't have to work silly hours to do a good job, flexible working rules mean any parent with a child under six can request to work hours that fit in with their childcare (employers can only refuse if they have a good financial reason, ie the company would be financially worse off if they let you do that).

Don't wait until this man has taken all your self esteem as it'll be much harder for your to re build a life then.

Overmydeadbody · 12/09/2008 10:18

I would start making plans to leave nikki, don't mention anything to your H, don't tell him you want to leave, don't talk to him or try to discuss things, just start finding outside support, look into moving back into your flat, find out all your options, talk to CAB and a solicitor, and don't tell this man anything until one day he comes home to an empty house and you are already safely away.

Controlling men like this are not going to just watch as their posessions wives tell them they are leaving and then spend weeks or months getting ready to leave.

Expat is right. You cannot begin to rebuild your self worth and self esteem until you rid yourself of this heavy rock around your neck.

mppaw · 12/09/2008 10:18

Some really good thoughts/Options there Headfairy.

Cappuccino · 12/09/2008 10:20

I think the fact that he thinks he can replace you with an airhead speaks volumes about his respect for you and women in general

most men with any kind of intelligence or self respect wouldn't be looking to share their life with a woman chosen entirely for the dress size

a real man wants a real woman with a brain

the guy is so sad. you really have to take a look at him and see him for how pitiful he is. He has a lovely dp, a son, and a good job, and instead of stepping up to the plate and being a good dad, a good dp, and a good role model, he is hanging around in strip clubs talking about six 6 models.

it's so fucking tragic

and he thinks you are the one who is useless

mppaw · 12/09/2008 10:22

Spot on Cappuccino...Absolutely, spot on.

HeadFairy · 12/09/2008 10:22

Thanks Mppaw

Does your partner give you some housekeeping money nikki? Can you start to put some aside somewhere, an escape fund if you will? Just a few pounds, nothing to raise suspicions. It all sounds a bit underhand, but you will really need some cash for a few weeks, just to buy nappies/food etc. Sometimes benefits can be a little slow in coming through so it would be wise to have a little something to see you through. It's not stealing, it's making sure you've enough to support your ds should you need to for a while.

Cappuccino · 12/09/2008 10:25

no it's not stealing

he should be giivng you half trhe money anyway in a family household

if anyone is stealing it is him, stealing money taht could be spent on the family to hang around in strip clubs

Overmydeadbody · 12/09/2008 10:25

yes I would agree and start putting money aside somewhere he doesn't know about as an escape fund.

Twelvelegs · 12/09/2008 10:26

Leave him.

He sounds like an arse. Let's hope he feels the same after the credit crunch has depleted his ego a little.

ginnny · 12/09/2008 10:27

Reading your post again Nikki I think he wanted you to give up work so he could control you.
A lot of men are attracted to strong, independent women then when they get them they spend the whole time trying to knock the very things they found attractive out of them. He's taking away your confidence and self esteem bit by bit. Don't let him carry on. He will end up destroying you (and your ds too probably)