How would you react to a violent past?

[HarryPottersGlasses]

I have been with my partner for around a year. We have had no major rows and he recently proposed to me, I accepted. We have since been on holiday together.

On night on the holiday we had a lot to drink and were talking in bed and he told me he beat up his ex wife. More than once.

He told me he wanted to be honest with me and that he would never do that again and was totally ashamed of it but apparantly, that's why she left him.

I asked him about it the next day when we were both sober and he said it was all true but I shouldn't let it worry me because he wouldn't do it now.

I don't know how to react or what to think, we've been together a year and he's never shown any signs of aggression or violence.

I think Flllight has summed it up really well. It's like a warning shot to you. 'Don't mess with me', sort of thing.

Also I find that violent people get progressively worse: first it's screaming and intimidating gestures, next it's a smack on the arm, then it's followed by grabbing and shoving you or kicking you till you are on the floor. Pls pls pls, for the sake of your darling innocent children: do not marry this man!!!

I wondered that too wannabe. Perhaps she hasn't heard what she wanted to or maybe she is running...hope she's ok.

I would get the bloody hell out of the relationship. He won't change, found out that my ex husband has previous convictions for beating women, even though I believed for 6 years that I made him do it.

Anger management doesn't work for most perpetrators of domestic violence because their violence is nothing to do with anger and everything to do with control.

Be very careful with this man OP.

i only found out about my ex boyfriend's violent past when he took it out on me.

run for the hills!

You've had no 'major' rows. What's happened in the minor ones?

I'm one of those people who likes to believe that some poeple can change. I know...I know...
So I'd want to know a. what possible set of circumstance led to his violence eg drugs, mental health issues and b. what has changed.
If either answer is not adequate wish him au revoir.

Do not marry any man untill you have had a major row with him.

Do not troll on Mumsnet.

Has he had counselling? Did he attend anger management? Has he acknowledged that his behaviour was outrageous and wrong? Did he gain any insight into why he had been so violent and learn how to stop being violent? Has he made reparation to his ex wife?

If the answer to any of these is no, get out now.

unless he has had a lot of very sucessfull therapy for his agression and violance then you should take things very carefully.

It is very easy to think that there must have just been a bad chemistry between him and his ex/that it wouldnt happen to you. but by the time it does you probably wont even realise it has started.

there will be slight snippy comments. seemingly just helpfull hints or suggestions, soon they will be a little more croticle or judging...until he is making you feel worthless and youhave such low self esteem you believe you deserve all that is hapening to you.
whenhe first hits you it will probably just be a little push or shove. you will brush it aside as an accident, and over heated row.

when he hits you properly he will tell you its your own fault...he warned youhe was violant. youwill believe him.

Please, either make sure he has sought help for this or leave.

I'd be outta there sooooo fast. Not worth it. Youre better than that - worth more.

and if he won't talk about it that's worse...

If you have had some disagreements in the past which have been resolved without you giving in because you are afraid of what he might do then it's worth considering how many relationships has he had between the violent one and meeting you? Sometimes people do bad stupid things and learn from them and don't repeat the mistakes. But tread very warily, all the same.