How would you react to a violent past?

[HarryPottersGlasses]

I have been with my partner for around a year. We have had no major rows and he recently proposed to me, I accepted. We have since been on holiday together.

On night on the holiday we had a lot to drink and were talking in bed and he told me he beat up his ex wife. More than once.

He told me he wanted to be honest with me and that he would never do that again and was totally ashamed of it but apparantly, that's why she left him.

I asked him about it the next day when we were both sober and he said it was all true but I shouldn't let it worry me because he wouldn't do it now.

I don't know how to react or what to think, we've been together a year and he's never shown any signs of aggression or violence.

he has given no explaination as to what makes him think he wouldn't do it again, other than that he was ashamed. he was probably ashamed at the time too but that in itself isn't enough to stop someone doing it.

be very careful

Yes, why wait a year to tell you why his marriage broke up????

you should also know that a lot of domestic violnce starts after marriage

Sorry, having been on the receiving end of a "I'm not a violent person", I would also not hang around to find out. It might seem unfair if he really has changed but I just couldn't take the chance.

ALARM BELLS

You have a duty not to bring a violent person into your childrens home.
Or are you already living together?

what strikes me as odd is that he's decided to tell you now. Most men with a history of violence don't tell their partners, they start out as nice blokes and it comes as a complete shock to the partner when they turn, hence why it's so easy to convince her of his remorse and that he'll "never do it again".

The only reason that I can think of why he would tell you is that you were about to find out. Are you planning an engagement party per chance? And would you then be meeting friends of his for the first time? friends who know the circumstances of his previous marriage break-up?

I can't see any reason why he would tell you other than that you were going to find out by other means and he wanted to get in there first.

He is warning you so that he can turn it round on to you when he does become violent. And he will.

RUN FOR THE HILLS>

If not for your sake, for your children. Why even risk the posibility of him one day being even the slightest bit physcially aggressive to any of you?

I would run for the hills also. There is no way I could let a possibly violent man into my children lives

Good point Wannabe.

I would also see his 'confession' as a sort of veiled threat tbh.

as in, well, I did this to her, so you better be careful because in theory I could do it to you if I wanted to. So you had better not wind me up ok?

iyswim.

Yes - there is the very very rare case of a man NOT becoming violent with a second wife. But this is SO rare that it is almost unheard of, and it only happens when that man has had a LOT of counselling and therapy, makes huge efforts to change his whole mindset. Etcetc.

Without all of this in place you are not onto a winner here - I would rate your chance of marrying a truly reformed character at about 0.00001%.

Altough there are exceptions, very rarely. Violent people tend to get progressively worse.

it makes more sense the more I think about it...telling you just as you are about to be married, because actually a man who behaves like this is probably scared shitless of commitment, and doesn't really want to be married at all - so he is actually scared of how he himself might behave once he is truly committed to you - doesn't understand his shameful behaviour, no insight into why he did it - and imo is almost telling you so that you will say, 'Oh bloody hell, no way, sorry but I won't marry someone like you'. he is giving YOU the responsibility here.

Does that make any sense? So he is actually worried in case he turns into the monster again, which he feels he might - and is making you choose whether he is a risk or not. If you say 'no way' he will probably be relieved at some level.

If you say 'Ok, I can live with that' he will very possibly think of that as you accepting him including the chance of this other side of him re emerging.

You are being asked to choose your own fate here. I would say no, full stop.

Run.

It's not just you in the balance, is it? It's your DCs too.

Speaking from experience, run. An ex bf told me it was because his previous gf was a bitch, I was young and stupidly believed him until one day he had me pinned against the wall with his foot on my neck.

Ditch him. he isn't going to change, not ever.

My cousins ex used to beat her up. The separated, he beat his second wife, he beats his mistress.

The only reason I would think twice about this is if he has gone through councelling/anger management etc

Just saying 'It will not happen again' is crapola, what has he done to make sure it doesn't? Done something, OK, done nothing, head for the hills

You must think very seriously about this, because if he does start on you (which is likely, lets face it), your life will be changed completely, and could end up with you having to move out of your home, the area in which you live, away from your family to keep away from him.

Wife beaters don't just knock their missus about on occasion, they tend to use tactics to ensure that you don't leave them, such as the threat of violence, and possibly death. Should he start on you, then your children are extremely vulnerable and will, without a doubt, become emotionally and possibly physically damaged.

If you are unable to make the decision to leave him now, with this knowledge; then you will probably stick with him if he starts hitting you.

Can you even risk the slightest possibility that this man will start beating you up...I know I couldn't take that gamble...the stakes are far too high.

I should also say that I do feel for you to be in this situation - what a blow, when everything must have been going so well .

Run. Quickly and far. He waited this long to tell you? He told you 'because he wanted to be honest'. Or because he was really drunk. You say you've had no major rows- this could be what he does when he has a major row. I know you care for him, but I wouldn't risk being near him with children.

Hmmm .... I'm not with everyone else here - I had an ex who had beat up a previous girlfriend. Apparently (this is his version, obviously), in fights, she used to keep hitting him until he would beat her up.

We're not still together, but we were together for 3.5 years, he did get very very angry at me, more than once, but I never felt physically in danger.

I don't think violence is as simple as everyone here is saying.

as others have said

'RUN FOR THE HILLS'

i was in an abusive relationship a long time ago. He had beat up his ex, but of course I was 'different' and i would 'never behave like her'. This is a way to make you feel like its your fault when it does happen.

Men like this are fucking losers, always have been and always will be, he will drag you down into a pit of misery and low self esteem, get out now

I'd be horrified. I know people can change, but what has he done to change? Has he had some sort of therapy or anger management? Even then, to be brutally honest, I wouldn't go near a man who had beaten up a woman.

i think he is telling you now because he thinks the realationship can take it. It's not gonna be something you reveal on a first date is it, let face it there probably wouldn't have been a second if he had - but now? well now you are really thinking about still marrying him

similarly, the violence doesn't start on the first date either. It starts gradually, first verbal, then maybe a slap etc, escalating over time, often not really getting going until after marriage when the woman has comitted and is therefore less likely to leave straight away.

My Aunt was with someone for 18 months. He seemed really lovely, took her younger son to watch football and generally was pleasant and made an effort with her friends and family. He was a bit particular about certain things, but never seemed in any way agressive or violent- he didn't even raise his voice. Eventually he moved in (after 14 months), and within a month he became more controlling. It got worse until eventually one evening she disagreed with him and he pinned her to the wall with his hands around her throat. Luckily her older son was back from Uni and physically removed him from the house.

Men who are violent don't get into relationships by hitting women on their first date.

my 14 year old daughter recently googled her dads name.....we split due to dv,she won't see her dad at all....but she googled his name,and showed me a newspaper article where he'd badly beaten up his new g/f. poor girl. when we split he'd had anger management twice........it didn't work

what happened to the op?