Please help

[Daisypops]

Me and DP have been together nearly 4 years, last night I found out hes been seeing someone else. I threw him out and am today battling my way thru work.

I feel horrendous. I keep having to leave my desk to go cry.

Someone please give me some words of wisdom. I'm tormented by wondering who she is, where they met, if she knows about me and our DD etc. I have so many things going on in my head I'm dizzy.

He left by saying I'm mental and a mad woman. He didn't try to explain or show any remorse he just went?

I've had my suspicions as hes been very distant with me and said some nasty things but I have stuck at it and asked him if we could work it out.

Sorry if this post is a bit scatty having to type it without my boss seeing and inbetween doing work.

Greyclay, good post. My breakup lasted about 15 months because I hadn't the courage to make a decision.

Daisypops, It's so hard telling people it's all over. Even somebody you half know in the queue at Tesco. 3 or 4 questions in to a conversation and you have to decide whether to bottle it up or lie. You get 'how are you?' 'are you busy?' 'Any news?'.

Ex DP has just rung me at work to ask if he can have the key to the garage to take his things. This is so hard. I've just had to go to the loo's and cry. I said no and that he should have given me more notice. Him taking his belongings is so final, hes made hus mind up and is walking away from us. I'm devasated. It feels like I will never get over him. How can he not want to see DD everyday? I'm so messed up.

anyone....

I think I'm upset for what could have been. I really wanted the happy family and a loving relationship. I just can't believe its over. The reality of it is really hitting me now, I'm a single parent, hes gone and hes left just like he said he never would.

Ex DP hasn't rung my mum to arrange a time to pick DD up TODAY and he hasn't just turned up which we thought he might do with no notice. Unbelievable. I'm glad she doesn't really understand.

Daisypops, I'm afraid that your ex's unpredictable behaviour may become par for the course.

The only thing you can do to maintain your sanity is control your own environment and not let your ex dictate the schedule. He's not allowed to control this situation YOU are. Good for you for telling him he couldn't swing by to get his stuff when he felt like it. He can come and get his things at a predetermined time established by YOU. When it is convenient for YOU. This will help you feel more in control and will send a clear message to him.

You need to start setting some boundaries with your ex Daisypops. You should create a schedule for visitation and discuss it with him. Preferably via email. If he fails to live up to his commitments, then there should be repercussions. For example, the crap he pulled today about flaking out on his own daughter. Fine. If that happens again, he loses his visiting privileges for a week. (or something like that).

I truly know how difficult this is. But you need to stop being afraid to stand up for yourself and your daughter. You need to start letting go of him because that is the only way of moving forward and gaining your strength back. I know it's upsetting to see his stuff go, but you really need to clear him out of there.

I promise you that you will have another better life. I remember sadly saying to my mom, the day my ex moved all of his stuff out of the house (after leaving it with me for 3 months because he kept changing the date for pick up...see a pattern here?) that "I wanted to have love in my life". Well, I have it now. A lovely DP and DD and I always say that they are the best thing that my ex ever did for me because if he hadn't left, I would probably still be clinging to a miserable marriage.

I'm sorry if it sounds like I am pontificating...I'm really trying to bolster you up and encourage you not to make the same mistakes I did. I know the weekend will be tough. Focus on your daughter...make a movie date with a friend, or have them come over to watch a DVD. Go shopping, go for a walk. It will soon pass and you will be that much further ahead. Good luck.

Grayclay, my ex doesn't communicate well. He works shifts so there will be no set day and time for him to see her. He doesn't have his pc set up wherever hes staying because its in my garage!!! I could text him, but what do I put without sounding bitter and nasty. I want to stay dignified and like I'm not bothered. As it happens my mum has just rung me at work to say he has text her to ask if he can come and see DD in 20 minutes. FGS, how short notice is that. What if my mum had taken DD out? Its all so convenient for him at the moment. I need to take control and I will feel better if I do but what should I do and say to get that control?

Daisypops, I know you feel rubbish now, but I wouldn't have my xh back if he were present to me on a velvet cushion.

That horrible feeling of failure when it hits you like a ton of bricks that you are the 1 out of every 3 marriages that didn't work out, that YOUR child is the one without the Dad living in the house and that you aren't Ma and Pa Walton; it hurts, for you and your children, but that sense of failure really does lessen over time. I do not find the idea of being a single parent family as hugely distressing as I once did. At the risk of sounding cavalier about my children not seeing their Dad every week, I focus more on practicalities now.

Hope that helps a tiny, tiny bit.

I only have suggestions but I after today I would strongly encourage you to nip the "swinging by in 20 minutes" thing in the bud. This should be the last time.

I know this will be extremely hard, but I would suggest having a meeting with him in person to discuss. I would also suggest having someone you trust be at the meeting with you. Your father or a friend. Write everything down that you want to communicate to him as well as the things you need to agree on. 1. Visitation times/days with your DD and 2. a date for him to remove all of his belongings. Later on, you can work out financial support arrangements for your DD. If he works shifts and cannot guarantee a set day/time you can still spell out conditions. You need at least 24 hours notice, no? I think that is fair. You have a life too. Too bad if he's not a great communicator, he'll just have to figure it out. You have had to hurdle your own challenges.

As I said, I can only suggest but you need to stop thinking about the situation from his point of view all of the time and start turning the focus back to you. You work, take care of the household and are the full time caregiver to your DD. He can dance to your tune for once IMO.

Thanks everyone for your advice. Apparently ex has got a van parked outside my mums so it looks like hes expecting to collect his belongings tonight when I finish work but I have a doctors appt at 5.20 and a beauticians appt at 6, so he'll have to wait. I will be left without a TV so will have to get that sorted. It could be a long night! Grayclay, I think I will text him and say 'can you give at least 24 hours notice when you want to see DD and please give a time when you are collecting her' and leave it at that. Hes such loser. Theres only one winner.

Sorry to hijack but just wanted to say stay strong. You will get through this xx

I can't believe it. He is taking the TV? He is a grade A top-notch *&^%. Your extreme distress means very little to him. UGLY BETTY might just be the only thing to take your mind off him for five seconds, but no, he is taking the tv. It may be too soon to congratulation you on being rid of him, but I feel tempted.

I meant 'to congratulate you'.