Please help

[Daisypops]

Me and DP have been together nearly 4 years, last night I found out hes been seeing someone else. I threw him out and am today battling my way thru work.

I feel horrendous. I keep having to leave my desk to go cry.

Someone please give me some words of wisdom. I'm tormented by wondering who she is, where they met, if she knows about me and our DD etc. I have so many things going on in my head I'm dizzy.

He left by saying I'm mental and a mad woman. He didn't try to explain or show any remorse he just went?

I've had my suspicions as hes been very distant with me and said some nasty things but I have stuck at it and asked him if we could work it out.

Sorry if this post is a bit scatty having to type it without my boss seeing and inbetween doing work.

Hi Daisypops - So, so, sorry that you are going through this. I have been where you are now and I dont envy you.

I am sorry but what you are feeling is grief and can take a while to lessen. Your P isn't the person that you thought he was and you are grieving for him, your and dd's future and any further dc's there would have been.

I can only agree with others on here who have said take things slowly, don't think too far ahead. It is too painful

Try to keep busy. Get out and about. And when no-one is around, have a damn good cry. I still do (I did yesterday!) and I am 10 months down the line from you.

I wish I could help more but just surround yourself with people who can support you without slagging him off - that is your job.

Treat him as you would like him to treat you. Be dignified and let him see that you are doing fine without him, thank-you very much!!

Dig deep. Strap that safety belt around you as this rollercoaster is unbelievable!

Morning Daisy - hugs all round.

Stirlingmum is right - it's like a bereavement, and like that it's a slow process. We're all here for you when you need to talk.

I guess like a bereavement, the other thing is to talk to DD about it when you need it - kids need explanations, and it's important for her to know it's not her fault, it's because of grown-up stuff. The way you tell it to her will be really important to the way she sees her dad and she needs to know you both still love her. How old is she?

Just for info - I know things seems hopeless now but they can change:

My BIL left his gf under pretty similar circumstances and one of the things that really impressed me about how she dealt with it was the way she refused to descend to his level - she refused to slag him off in front of the child and was really good about access (in the end, he stopped bothering to see their son) so that he had nothing to reproach her for - dignity really is one of the most powerful strengths you have. Their little boy was about 2 when his dad left and was a bit unsettled for a while (esp because BIL was a shit about contact, access and wwas also violent and abusive to her in front of the child) but she made sure she was a rock for her son and kept things at home as consistent as poss.

And, for what it's worth, she met someone else a bit later, a mutual friend who'd always kind of fancied her and who acts like a proper father to her child and who treats her right - it can happen. They are still together 3 years later and it's loads better than if BIL had stayed on the scene.

So sorry for what you're going through right now and I really feel for you - definitely get out of the house with DD today and tomorrow - you need fresh air.

Hiya Daisy.

Its very early days yet,the last time i discovered a few weeks ago i think i cried non stop for about 4 days, i was a wreck,it was awful cos he was here and kept making comments like,ive done nothing,why u getting upset etc.

Then i had a period of calm and then i got angry.

I will prob go thru it all again tonight when hes gone,albeit a mini-version.

My neice is moving in with me for a few weeks,she is only 16 but a star and such a positive lovely person,shes been mailing me constantly and keeping my spirits up,when its a time like this you really need your friends/family.

do you feel up to talking to friends or family about it,sometimes it can help the process.

thinking of you

jen
xx

Just been out this morning and done a few jobs. Saw an old friend who asked how life was treating me, I had to tell him, I think saying it out loud helps me come to terms with it. My mum is been great shes rung this morning and said she was awake til 1am thinking about it all and she thinks hes lead a double life, he didn't spend any time with me or DD as a family, he was at work all the time, the gym or his computer, he lived like a single bloke. I know it will get easier but the dips I have are unbearable. I'm trying to keep DD's routine and shes fine, when he called round yesterday she wouldn't even go to him, she was clung around my neck the whole time-made me feel good!
He doesn't want me and DD so that makes me not want him, but the coming to terms with that is awful. Its a chapter of my life closing.

Ruthosaurus-DD is only 20 months so doesn't really understand, he was never here anyway so its not affecting her well I hope not anyway.

Hiya Daisypops - how's today shaping up? take an hour at a time if you have to. I've got to give laptop to my dd now,but will be around later tonight.

Hi Daisy, just checking in to see how you're doing. Know what you mean about the chapter closing, and loads of hugs to both you and DD. Glad she's a bit little to have a clue what's going on, but to her for sussing her dad out, eh? They don't like people who upset their mum, and she's not daft! Good lass. I hope she's a real reason for you to keep it all going - I know sometimes she'll probably be a little madam, but I bet she's a real consolation to you as well, especially when she smiles at you.

I'm glad your mum is there for you - she sounds ace. Roll with the dips and just let them wash over you. No-one in Tesco is going to see you again so it doesn't matter if you burst into tears in the freezer section.

Take care - hope the rest of your day is okay and you get some sleep tonight.

PS When meeting people who haven't heard yet, don't you just feel like you need a t-shirt with the short version on?

Hi Daisypops, hope you are ok today? I've been reading your thread and feel for you sooo much - I went thru a similar thing a few months ago.
All I can say is take each day one step at a time, make sure you have at least one activity every day and try and keep up your social life. And tell whoever you feel like telling, it's a huge relief to hear the words come out of your mouth and realise it hurts a tiny bit less each time. That's a really good way to come to terms with what's happened. You can work on the getting over it bit another time... It's normal to grieve, rant, get angry, feel total despair, but I promise you that it does get better after a few weeks!
A few months down the line I feel a lot less devastated by the actual affair, but now I'm trying to cling on to a relationship that probably isn't going to work which is a lot worse, believe me.
I've accepted that it happened, that it wasn't my fault, and that I am a nice, attractive person who is a good mother. Talking to a friend whose dad left them all for her mum's bf when she was 6, she said that they aren't that keen on their dad, but really respect their mum because she conducted herself with dignity throughout and was a real rock for them. That's what I'm going to be! And I've just started to go out with friends and look for more work and be a bit more interested in myself instead of completely obsessed with my non-existent relationship.
Sending you hugs, and will keep checking on here to see how you're doing... chin up!

Hi Daisypops, how are you doing today? Hope you're out doing something with your mum and DD. I've got to pop out but I'll check in again later.

Hi Daisy, you okay? Just sticking my head round the door to check - pop a line or two on if you can .

Hi everyone, sorry I havent been on for a while. Took DD ro the seaside on sunday and stayed overnight as the weather was lovely and she loved it on the beach.
DP turned up on tuesday morning and said there was nothing going on with the girl, she was just texting him and contrary to what I believe he loves me and does not want anyone else. I said I didn't believe him as he even cared to save her number under her name and hes been secretive, distant etc. He was repeating himself again and again that I'm the only woman he wants and he loves me and DD too much to do anything with anyone.
He said one of his workmates gave out his number to this girl and she started texting him. I don't believe him still but he wants us togive it another go? I really don't know what to do. I've said if we do try again, I want him to change his mobile number, throw the old one away, give me access to his phone and get me his shift pattern. If he doesn't agree to this theres no point as this will help me get my trust back in him. Today I feel like I don't even want to bother, but yesterday i thought we should give it a go for DD and because we do love eachother. Any thoughts? xxx Thanks again to all who have posted I really do appreciate it

Wow - that's tough. It IS up to you however so think long and hard about your terms before you agree to let him back in you life. Write them down. In addition to the phone situation - do they include couples counselling (strongly recommended)? More time for you to do things on your own and have a life (i.e. night out with friends, yoga, cooking classes)? Rebuilding trust takes a lot of time and effort and you will both need to be prepared for that. It may be worth it in the long run. Good luck whatever you choose.

He text me last night and said he wants DD but he doesn't know if he wants me.

Sorry for you Daisypops, just read your thread and new post.... how awful for you. It is not nice to play games with you, you sound so lovely and it must be tough with DD.
I can't think of any advice except surround yourself with the love and support of your friends and family to give you the strength to get through each day and always remember whatever he says this is not your fault. Some men have a habit of saying crap things to try and ease their guilt. Whether it is with or witout him you deserve better and I hope that is what the future holds for you....Hugs and best wishes.

what would you do if your DP's/DH's said they didn't know if they wanted you? Would you cut and run or stick around until they decided?

I think it's time to think seriously about what YOU want. You really need to start taking care of yourself and your daughter first, whatever that means to you. The last thing you want to do is put all of the power and decision making in his hands. It is not all up to him. It doesn't have to be a black and white decision (cut and run or wait) but I would suggest thinking about moving forward in your life without him. You can "leave a door open" so to speak and he may come back to you and it also may be too late for him by then.

Think about setting the terms. You can say something along the lines of, "Ok, you can get back to me on that but, in the meantime, I have to live my life so here is how we are going to go about co-parenting our daughter while you decide. Also, this is the kind of financial support I am going to need to maintain the household. Let's talk once a week" Or something like that. The LAST thing you need him doing is dribbling in and out of your life when he feels like it. Professing love on day and backing off the next. Trust me, it will do your head in. Take charge as best as you can hon. Be strong and decisive for you and your daughter. Please.

I hope this doesn't come across as a lecture. I had my own horrible experience when my husband left me. I couldn't quite believe it and, in hindsight, I let him walk all over me. He told me that he didn't love me any more yet I didn't kick him out. I told him that he had to leave on his own two feet. He proceeded to make my life hell. I felt like I was under siege. I left for work and panicked about coming home because I never knew if he would be there or not. He stayed out all hours and treated me badly until I had no choice but to ask him to leave. Then he decided that he would come home during the day when I was at work and leave at night when I came home. It was awful but the point is I let him do all of this because I was afraid of being decisive because I was afraid of losing him. I didn't realize that he was already gone. I just don't want you to go through the same anxiety and uncertainty because you can take some control over your own situation. Even if it's just a little.

Sorry this was long...good luck Daisypops.

Greyclay-your post makes so much sense to me. I darent tell him to go because I dont' want the hurt of him just going. I will say what you've said to him tonight and try get my life back on track. That seems the easiest and less painful option.

Well after 3 weeks of DP 'leading me up the garden path' last night he decided he was moving his stuff out of my house. I'm absolutely devastated. I've got tonsilitus to add to my feeling shitty. I'm just so low it is unbelievable. I think I'll stay single forever. I'm heartbroken.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you and I know you will receive lots of support from MNetters who have gone through similar.

I know how low you are feeling right now and the most reassuring thing I can tell you is that you will not always feel like this. This is the worst time. I know it seems impossible, but you will feel happy again in time, you will love again because you deserve it.

The fact that your ex has left is a good thing because this is where your "new beginning" can start. You are out of the hell that is the limbo stage. I can't imagine what the past 3 weeks must have been like for you.

I started seeing a therapist when my ex was in the process of leaving me and one strong piece of advice he gave me was this, "You will start the healing process as soon as you end all contact with him. Each time you try to speak with him or see him will just set you back" So I offer this advice to you. Once your ex has moved his stuff out, he should no longer be welcome in your life. No phone calls, texts or coffee meetings. When you are up to it but as soon as you can, get rid/put in a box everything that reminds you of him. Delete all texts and emails. Clean the slate. Believe me, it will help. Surround yourself with things, friends and activities that are meaningful to you.

I know it sounds silly but I slowly became empowered by taking ownership over my own environment again. Watching movies that I wanted to watch and listening to music I wanted to listen to and when. Doing things and enjoying things that I know my ex would have scorned at.

You will grieve your ex DP and you will have to allow yourself to feel all the crappy feelings that go with that process, but that is what will help you get to the other side of this. Get support where you can and keep posting here. You will be listened to and I found that "writing things out" was very helpful to me. Big hugs.

Thanks greyclay. This morning me and my dad mived his computer in to the garage. My dining room is mine again! I told DP that once his stuff is out of the house I want nothing more to do with him, thats just how I feel. I never want to see his afce again. If he wants to see DD hes going to ring my mum and she will contact me, he will then colletc DD from my mums house and drop her back off there. Its weird that the therapist you saw said this is a good thing to do. I just think in order to move on I need nothing more to do with him ever again.
I'm am absolutely heartbroken, I havent eaten since yesterday lunchtime and had about 4 hours sleep. I don't know how I'm still standing, I'm mentally drained. I'm relieved its over but grieving for what could ave been. And I wanted another DC which is making me very sad. So many emotions and parts to how I'm feeling, its hard to even begin to think how I'll do it.

Well, it sounds as though you are doing all of the right things. The "never seeing him again" issue will be a more complicated because of your DD but having your mom act as the intermediate person is a good idea. You know, eventually you may feel that you have moved on enough to eliminate that step but for now, good idea. All your DD needs to know is that you and your ex love her even though you are not together and, of course, take pains to not say bad things about him in front of her.

As for you, it will take some time to process all of your feelings and there is absolutely no pressure to do it all at once. You will need to take things one day at a time at first. Be kind to yourself and make sure to take care of yourself. Eat a little even if you don't really feel like it. Take vitamins, take a bath, get out of the house. That sort of thing. To some degree you will find you'll have to "fake it until you make it", especially for your DD's sake, but that may in fact help you in the long run.

One last thing...I know you are sad about the idea of not having another DC with your ex, but that doesn't mean there won't be another DC in your future. Stay strong.

daisy pops how are you? just read ur thread and i'm sorry your having to go through this. Just take each day as it comes try not to get to ahead of yourself "what will i tell dd when she's older etc" yourdoing really well just hang in their it'll get easier. x

Hi daisy it is hard, I've been there too. to be honest it took ages to get over it. I used to go home from work at lunchtime to cry, imagine they were together while I was lying upset and I wouldn't even think of going anywhere they might be together because I knew I couldn't handle seeing them.

But you know one day I just woke up and thought why on earth on I moping around being so sad and upset and sick, when they're probably out having fun, so I decided to do the same. I took DS on loads of little outings, called my friends up more, invited people round at night and soon I stopped thinking about them so much. Then I met someone else, XP found out and was desperate for me back! Crying down the phone, begging outside my door..but I was over him!

I did have a wobbly moment when I saw him with the OW and they had a new baby and looked so happy. But then I thought that he is probably cheating on her too, and she is more than welcome to him.

Don't be too hard on yourself, these things do take time, but you'll be fine xx

I'm not bad today. My mum picked DD up this morning and when I saw them go down my path I had a cry. I'm so sad for DD, she deserves to have her parents together but then again I don't want her growing up thinking the way dad treats mummy is normal and acceptable. I'm dreading whats to come, ex DP meeting someone new, me meeting someone new, introducing them to DD. He isn't moping around and feeling like I do so hes not worth it, I just wish the penny would drop and these awful feelings would go away. I feel like I've covered in a black cloud.

The cloud feeling will last for a little while so don't be too hard on yourself or put yourself under pressure to "get over it" straight away. This is the grieving process. You will have to mourn the relationship, that's just the way it is. You will have good days and bad days and then soon the good days will outnumber the bad.

The other thing to remember is that by the time you DO meet someone else, you won't even care what your ex is doing. Your feelings will change. Your dread will become joy and anticipation in looking forward to a new and positive life. Your daughter will be lucky to have you as a strong, independent and loving mother. Not a sad mother in a bad relationship.

Courage.

I feel a little better today. Ex DP is taking DD out today for 2 hours?! Hes picking her up from my mums. We slept at my mums last night as I was feeling pretty low and didn't want to be on my own. My mum has been great she thinks I've been a hero to put up with his behaviour for so long and I'm better of without him. She reminding me of all the stuff he did and didn't do and its made me feel better. Thank you to everyone whos posted. Its a very hard time, only 5 people I know knoww hats happened so to come on here and get advise is reassuring and comforting. Its nice to hear frompeople who are going thru the same or have gone thru it and come out the other end. xxx